Baggage Claim
Baggage Claim is a space for blended families, marriage, and friendship.
Here, we dive into real-life conversations about the ups and downs of relationships, from navigating second marriages to unpacking the baggage we all bring. Hosted by Greg and Jessica, who both have rich experiences with love, loss, and family, this community is about sharing stories, learning together, and growing stronger as couples and individuals. Grab a drink and join us as we unpack, laugh, and claim our baggage—one conversation at a time
Baggage Claim
Love, Loss, and the Little Things That Matter Most
We're all guilty of seeking that elusive "silver bullet" – the one magical secret that transforms an ordinary marriage into an extraordinary one. But what if the answer isn't found in grand gestures or revolutionary techniques, but rather in simple, consistent choices made day after day?
In this deeply personal episode, Greg and Jess pull back the curtain on their 13-year relationship to share four foundational principles that have sustained them through blended family challenges, busy schedules, and life's inevitable ups and downs. Their candid conversation reveals how intentionally having fun together, embracing selflessness, letting go of minor irritations, and prioritizing communication creates the bedrock of lasting love.
Jess shares a particularly powerful perspective on "not sweating the small stuff" that stems from her experience of losing her first husband – a reminder that the very things we complain about (laundry left unfolded, items on countertops) are actually privileges of having someone in our lives. Meanwhile, Greg opens up about his journey from being communication-avoidant to recognizing how essential honest dialogue is to relationship health.
What makes this episode especially valuable is its practicality. Rather than offering vague platitudes, Greg and Jess provide specific, actionable challenges you can implement immediately: a five-minute question exercise to improve communication, ways to redefine "fun" that fit your current life stage, and the transformative practice of serving your partner with zero expectation of return.
Whether you're in the honeymoon phase, navigating the roommate years, or rebuilding after a rough patch, these time-tested principles offer a roadmap for creating a relationship that doesn't just survive but genuinely thrives. Ready to move beyond searching for silver bullets and start building something that lasts? This conversation is your starting point.
Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.
Speaker 2:And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:What's up? Baggage Claim how you guys doing this week. Thank you so much for joining us back to listen in on our fun escapades as we dive into some new stuff today. Wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, grab that favorite drink. Cozy up to that proverbial table Maybe it is a real table, whatever it may be grab your favorite drink and just kind of settle in. We're going to do a little bit of a different podcast format tonight, which is going to be kind of fun, and we're going live on Facebook. So maybe we have no one join, maybe we do. Who knows Wish we were to try.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I just want to start again.
Speaker 2:Also sorry we're a week behind releasing. I was really sick last week I could not record. But thank you for joining this week too, because it's spring break for Jess.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we usually release on Tuesday mornings but we're running a little behind. We'll go out tonight, so you'll have it first thing Wednesday morning. So if you want to download, I mean, if you're listening to this it's kind of pointless because nobody's really watching it, but if you're listening, hey, thanks for listening. Just so you know, our audience is growing, which is crazy. Every week we get new CDs, new downloads, new people from all over, which I just love seeing and it's fun. Thank you for liking, thank you for downloading, thank you for listening to us.
Speaker 2:Thank you for telling your friends about us.
Speaker 1:Yeah and absolutely we're having a blast and having fun. And just before we get into it and Jess will kill me for doing this we are working on some content for you guys. Right now it's like an eight-week kind of in-home study for your family on helping develop culture for your family. So it's kind of like what we walked through in the last podcast. If you haven't heard that, check it out. It's episode eight.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I didn't want you to talk about it yet, because we're still working on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, that means we have to work on it faster if we say it out loud.
Speaker 2:That's why I didn't want you to say it out loud.
Speaker 1:It's called accountability, so now we have to actually finish it. We have an outline started so we're trying to put that out there so you guys will have something to download, actually do with your families where you're at walk through, and so that's kind of exciting, it's out there. But anyway, today we're talking about you know, we all want that silver bullet. Like we're going anytime you talk about marriage, you talk about business or anything else that's successful, you listen to podcasts or like you know what do all the successful people do?
Speaker 2:What are successful marriages? Tell me the one thing I need to do to make it work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's like what is that one thing? Well, I mean, if we knew what that was, we would be filthy rich and there'd probably be like 5,000 of y'all on our live stream right now. But right now there's maybe one of you and thanks for watching, but there's not really a single silver bullet. There's not really a single silver bullet.
Speaker 1:I decided to, we came up with and I asked Jess this question and it was a deer in the head like but I'm like, okay, marriage is fun when it starts and it's great and you have this lovey-dovey feeling, everything is perfect. But then just life happens and you start. I mean just everything, the bills, the schedules, everything comes together and it just gets crazy. So I asked Jess, I was like tell me two things that you think make your marriage really, really successful, or you think that you make your marriage work really well. And then she asked me those same two things too. Yeah, and so trying to figure out what those two are, yeah, and so we're going to dig into that tonight and we're just going to talk about what Jess's two are, my two are. So I'm going to ask you, just please bear with us, because we're going to jump on our proverbial soapbox.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And just kind of talk for a little bit.
Speaker 2:It's going to be a little bit different because usually we'll share what we want to share and at the end we'll unpack that baggage together and sort of you know, give you a challenge or you know suggestions to work on, but this week we're going to kind of talk and unpack as we go. Yeah, we'll do something at the end so that you guys have something to go off of, but it's just going to be a little bit different this week.
Speaker 1:And we are working on having some guests show up in the next few weeks, so that could be fun If we can bribe anybody or pay them to come on here or whatever to share with us. So cool, let's get started. Let's jump right in. So, jess, tell me what your two are and we're going to take turns. So, jess, tell me what your two are and we're going to take turns. You'll do one then.
Speaker 2:I'll do one.
Speaker 1:Okay, we'll go back and forth. So tell me what your two items are.
Speaker 2:Tell me what your two things, tell them to you.
Speaker 1:Concepts.
Speaker 2:Both at one time, or you want to do one at a time.
Speaker 1:I don't know, you can surprise me.
Speaker 2:Okay, so one of them is to have fun together.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:I know it sounds basic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I mean there's a lot of truth in simplicity. So when you say have fun together, help me unpack that a little bit. What does that mean for you? Define that.
Speaker 2:You need to be friends with your significant other, I mean, if you don't like them. As a person, enjoy doing things together.
Speaker 1:So the whole chicken and egg thing, like what came first, the chicken or the egg? So what comes first? Is it the friendship or the fun? Or the fun? Like do you have fun with somebody and be like, oh wait a minute, we're friends, or is it you're friends with somebody and you're like, oh, this is actually fun?
Speaker 2:I think it's according to how you start out, like some folks were friends in the beginning and then realized oh, I have feelings for that person. Maybe I want more than friends. Other people, like you and I, had never even knew each other existed, so we didn't know anything about each other. So as we were getting to know each other and just becoming friends, it allowed me to know more about you and how we could have fun together getting to know each other. But I don't feel like that should stop the longer you're married.
Speaker 1:I agree, but why do you think it does stop, though, Like? Do you have an idea or a thought? Why like? Because it's, I mean, friendship should be easy. I know it's work, it should be, it's like in your relationship, yeah, but also as an adult.
Speaker 2:Having, you know, actual friendships in the world is hard anyway.
Speaker 1:It actually is.
Speaker 2:But just like friends that are not your spouse, you have to be intentional to see those folks. You have to, you know, check your calendar, see whenever we can get together and hang out or you know those type things. But we should do the same thing with each other.
Speaker 1:You know it's crazy to be intentional. Yeah, you said you had to be intentional with those that aren't your spouse, but it's the same thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Even people. I mean the person you're married to Even more, so yeah because it's just easy just to get into the roommate phase and we've been in the roommate phase a few times to be like you're just nose down doing stuff and there is no fun.
Speaker 2:Right, there's a bunch of kids, or you know finances are tight, or it's just you know you're working on a project where you're not home as much, or something like that. But if you're not intentional, it's not going to happen and your definition of fun can change over the years, like when we first got together. One of our first dates is you took me indoor rock climbing. Had I ever done that in my life?
Speaker 1:No, Did you think it was fun?
Speaker 2:It was fun, okay, and I made you go watch me paint.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was the. I remember it was a sip and paint and I was like, what does that mean? And he was like, oh, they drink wine and they drink when we paint. And I was like, oh well, I can do the sip part. I don't know about the paint part. So I remember it's so funny because we went with, I think, damon and Tracy.
Speaker 2:We did. But I had been going for months and months before that and I was friends with the owner. So she was like, oh, you brought a dude with you, okay.
Speaker 1:So I rolled in this cooler a rolling cooler. That's how classy I am. Yes, it's a rolling cooler into this. And I sat on the cooler yeah Right behind me and every time I would open the lid he'd go meow and everybody would look at me and I'd be like anybody want a drink and everybody was looking at me like it was every single time.
Speaker 2:It was so classy, yeah, I couldn't sneak around.
Speaker 1:No, but that was, I knew how many drinks I had by the end of the painting.
Speaker 2:And that was part of us getting to know each other and becoming friends then.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it was just. I think it was making the allowances for hey, what is it you like to do?
Speaker 2:I'll go try that out. What do you like to do? I'll go try that out. But now we've been together 13 years and our definition of fun has changed. You know, used to it was, you know, date nights or whatever. I mean, we still do that, but on a regular basis. You know, although all but one of our children have left the nest, it looks different now because most evenings we've got, you know, our grandbaby and her mommy and daddy over here.
Speaker 1:Or even sometimes we may drive to like we go to, or we have this thing on Friday afternoons. We go to Mellow.
Speaker 2:Mushroom, mellow Mushroom, mellow Mushroom. Sorry, yay, mellow Mushroom. So we go to.
Speaker 1:Mellow Mushroom right here by our house.
Speaker 2:And we think we're sneaking away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we have. And then all of a sudden they show up, or other people show up, and it was like, yeah, we knew y'all would be here. And then our table winds up having five or six people at it, which is not bad, it's fun.
Speaker 2:No, it is fun. But your definition of fun can change, but it's important to it. The whole idea is just to enjoy your time together.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Whether you're covered up with kids or you know they still crash your dates or you know whatever, what have you? Or going to walk at the park could be a definition of fun, and it is for us a lot of times. But it's just important, the whole idea of like I know it sounds like very simple of just have fun together, but it's mostly about being intentional, to enjoy your time together as a couple.
Speaker 1:Okay. So I have maybe a challenging question in that. Okay, say you're together, you're in the middle of marriage, things are tough, it's just hard. And you're like, okay, I hear you, jess, but I can't see the fun. I just can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, when you say you should have fun together. What is that Like? How do I start that? Like, how do I even just I don't know, I'm not jumping to the end for the unpacked part, but for you to go, if I'm in this and it's kind of tough right now, what's an initial kind of how do I start this? How do I just do that?
Speaker 2:You got to talk about where you're at and be honest and talk about what would make your heart feel lighter, what would feel fun for you, what would make you feel connected to me? Is it just literally sitting in the porch swing and listening to music and being quiet together? Okay, it's just a connection. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it doesn't have to be extravagant, just a way to be connected.
Speaker 1:Gotcha Okay, so just make a step, basically.
Speaker 2:Anything.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what's the most fun thing you love to do right now?
Speaker 2:Right now.
Speaker 1:Like if I said hey, I have a fun weekend planned for us. What are your hopes in that fun weekend?
Speaker 2:Hopefully throw the top back on the Jeep and go riding in the mountains. That's always fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, there's always. This is not riding in the mountains, this is riding in the mountains too. A winery somewhere.
Speaker 2:A winery somewhere.
Speaker 1:That hopefully has live music.
Speaker 2:Yeah, live music. So those are Jess's two favorite things, and a pretty view, yeah, and outside.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I know, if we're outside listening to live music and there's wine nearby, you're a happy girl.
Speaker 2:I am.
Speaker 1:So and.
Speaker 2:Or go find a random creek somewhere and have a picnic and turn music on your phone yeah, that's true. So I mean it doesn't have to be expensive, Right, or a big deal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're definitely proponents of that. We've lived on a.
Speaker 2:Shoestring budget.
Speaker 1:at times I don't even know if you'd call it a shoestring. It may be a flip-flop budget.
Speaker 2:Or a toothpick.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a psych-walk budget here.
Speaker 2:It's to do, but we managed to have fun no matter what.
Speaker 1:This is a fun kind of this just kind of makes me laugh. I look back at it now. One of our fun dates used to be we would go get a box of tacos.
Speaker 2:I think we talked about this one time From Taco Bell, yeah, and just watch a fun movie.
Speaker 1:Well, just what two weeks ago, last week? No, it was like two weeks ago, yeah, so we're out and I was like, dude, let's go get a box of tacos at Taco Bell and just go home and veg out and watch comedy shows or something You're like yes. We go to Taco Bell and the lady's like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. And I was so heartbroken I just drove off.
Speaker 2:You did. You drove off out of the drive-thru. Yeah, I just left.
Speaker 1:And there was a woman behind us. She was like y'all okay? Yeah, I was just upset, I was heartbroken. You were like they don't do boxed tacos anymore.
Speaker 2:I did yell at that oh my gosh, we need to get out of this place.
Speaker 1:I was upset. I wanted to relive that moment.
Speaker 2:She ruined your fun.
Speaker 1:She did. She did ruin my fun.
Speaker 2:All we were trying to do was eat tacos and laugh.
Speaker 1:Yeah at it, all right. My first one was have fun together. What's one of yours? Mine is uh god, this is a big one for me. There's I have two and they run neck and neck, so it's kind of I would say um, it's not about you, don't be selfish. Don't be selfish if If you're selfish, then you're just going to lose.
Speaker 2:Okay. What does that mean to you in real life?
Speaker 1:Okay, so when we you want a short answer, I'll give you the answer. I have my heart when we got together.
Speaker 2:Preferably the answer you have in your heart. Okay, I'll go with that one, preferably.
Speaker 1:So it was when we got together. It was okay. I want to love you, I want to respect you, I want to honor you. I have Callie and Cody, who went through the drama of divorce, who were with us seven days and without us seven days. So I need to figure out how to communicate with them, stay connected to them the seven days they're not with us, and then the seven days they are with us that they integrate into our family in a way.
Speaker 1:You have aaron grayson, thomas, who lost their dad, uh, two plus years ago. How do I try to help fill that gap? Not fill that gap? Uh, be there for them when they need me, when. Don't overpress that. At the same time, stay in communication with my ex over medical issues, school issues, sports issues, while at the same time making sure that you're not mad because I'm having to call text. Be in touch with my ex that you know, like you feel secure in that our relationship, that you're not in that one. So it's like I'm trying to juggle all those things on top of have a job.
Speaker 1:Manage that job, manage just our family and just trying to make sure that we're doing the things that I feel like we ought to be doing, and loving each other and caring for each other.
Speaker 2:Well, you did a good job at all of that. Oh well, thank you, you still do.
Speaker 1:So all that, when I say, man, if I always wanted my way, then I was always going to lose, Like there wasn't a moment just to go. I just want what I want. Now, there was those moments.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Usually I put my headphones on and go walk around the neighborhood and just be. You know I want this, but it's usually over some stupid selfish thing, you know, and it's just. That's a. I mean. I know that sounds a lot of people are going to listen to this and go. Well, that sounds incredibly sad and unfulfilling.
Speaker 2:Right, I can see that.
Speaker 1:My joy was not in just saying, hey, I want everything I want, because, at the same time, what I wanted was our family to be happy.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I wanted us to live life to the full. Like that's what I wanted. In order to do that, there was a lot of things I had to juggle and make sure happened at the same time. So, that's kind of when I say that that's where that comes from.
Speaker 2:Well, one way you live that out, though, on a daily basis now is all my school mornings. You get up early, even though you don't have to, and you make my coffee, fix my water, make sure I've got everything packed up and help me get everything to the car so I can get to work early like I like to, and you don't have to do that.
Speaker 1:No, I don't.
Speaker 2:I enjoy it, though, Like I enjoy getting to see you, not every morning, not everybody would.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, not every morning, though there's some mornings where I'm— it's rare where you don't. Yeah, okay, it's rare, yeah, but that's something I enjoy doing with you and for you.
Speaker 2:Right, but then after I leave that's when you get some time in the morning to kind of get yourself ready for the day you get your coffee and Baxter snuggles up in your lap and Bailey under your feet and you know you kind of recharge yourself a little bit.
Speaker 1:I do, I usually. It's usually when I watch the latest YouTube golf thing that I watch, or I'll catch up on a podcast that I've been wanting to watch or see, and I do watch those before I jump into something. I've been debating on whether to start exercising. Start my exercise directly as soon as you leave. It just doesn't sound fun at all to me. But I'm trying to find those things too that help not only recharge me but make me better.
Speaker 2:Because if you just give and give, and give and give and give, with nothing to give from, then it's not going to come from joy.
Speaker 1:Well, it's a gas tank. I mean, this is basically your gauge, your gas gauge, like car runs on gas, it runs out. You got to refill it. So the idea behind that is, people may look at it and go well, dude, if your life is all about giving to someone else, serving someone else, what do you do for you? I find things that I enjoy doing, that really fulfill me, that I recharge from, and you may hear those and go well, that doesn't do me. That's why I'm saying find what recharges you, because you have to fill your gas tank back up because it's going to get drained again and your kids, whether you want it or not, and your significant other are going to need things from you, yes, and so they're going to take not all the time, but they will take and so you just need to recharge. My recharging is I mean, I get to go play golf a good bit with friends, which is incredibly fun.
Speaker 2:Go on, guys, trips I do.
Speaker 1:I've went on some guys trips to Austin, to Tennessee, to Nashville, to New Orleans, going on a golf trip this year which I'm really excited about, with some buddies, and my recharge is when I get to go to the gym in the afternoon.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so you do that. Recharging for me, though, can be as simple as grabbing coffee with a good friend of mine and just saying, like, being in that coffee, just having great conversation, gets me pumped up and I get excited about it. So I mean, it's like it doesn't have to be. I got to go on a trip, I got to go do this. It could be. Being around people recharges me. This is just how I'm wired, so that's my thing, and that goes right back to if you want to be a great husband, if you want to have great relationships, be the healthiest version of yourself. Know what recharges you, and then find ways to pull yourself out and serve those that are around you. Serve your kids, serve your wife, Serve them. Sometimes it's not fun, sometimes they're thankful, sometimes they're not, but that's not. You're not doing it to get a pat on the back. You're just, you're serving them. Serve, and don't make it about you and watch what happens. It's kind of fun it's kind of crazy.
Speaker 1:So all right, how about your next one?
Speaker 2:your next one was uh, don't sweat the small stuff don't sweat the small stuff. I know there's a phrase that's used like over and over and, over and over again.
Speaker 1:So cliche, but for me what's small stuff, because I don't want to sweat it.
Speaker 2:Okay. Well, an example I could use in our everyday life is when you're working on a job sometimes and you come in and you kind of unload your pockets on the island in the kitchen and your tools and stuff kind of hang out there for a day or two and I could let that drive me nuts, but I don't. Or when I'm doing laundry and again like if you've been on a job and there's 45 screws there in the washer just so you guys know, I do golf tees, or I do some handyman stuff.
Speaker 1:From time to time I do real estate the area, but I also do some handyman stuff and work on some remodeled things here and there. So that's where the screws and the things in my pockets come from. I don't just put random things in my pocket and walk around. So if I'm on a job and I have shorts and I'll put screws or things and I try to unload those, but it just doesn't happen.
Speaker 2:The other night, whenever we were cleaning up and turning TV off and stuff to go to bed, you brought back like four pairs of shoes that were all over the living room. Yes, and you were like apparently all of my shoes were in here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had flip-flops and shoes and stuff. I don't know why I just had shoes randomly throughout the house.
Speaker 2:I had seen the shoes, but also I didn't care.
Speaker 1:Well, I didn't realize until I needed a pair of shoes and I went in the closet I was like none of my shoes are in here. Where's my flip flops, yeah? So my stuff was stored all over the house and it is interesting that you don't do that. There's a lot of people who that would irritate the crap out of them yeah. And just frustrate them. So thank you first off. How did you get there and how do you stay there? Why are you?
Speaker 2:the way you are. Yeah, why do you do that?
Speaker 1:Because I always want to say thank you and I think there's a lot of guys, but I love to put my crap on the island and I get cussed out. No, Just my stuff, though, doesn't stay.
Speaker 2:No, it is not that bad. Please do, because it's not that bad.
Speaker 1:It doesn't stay there long.
Speaker 2:No, maybe two or three days Maybe. Again, I don't care. So that's why I'm like I don't know. Why am I the way I am? Well, I've always been an optimistic kind of person. For the most part, I try to find the good. I'm a silver lining kind of girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just in general as a person. But for those of you that know us personally or that you've listened, my experience in my first marriage losing my husband within this few months after and I know I've mentioned this before, when I would hear wives complain about their husband, like you know, when he put his dirty clothes in the laundry or he leaves water bottles all around the house and this, that and the other, I'm like but he's there, he's there to do it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because I've lived the alternate of that of there is no one, not a husband, there to leave a mess, right. There is not a husband to pick up after, and so having that ripped away and being so thankful that I have you, I'm like that little stuff does not bother me at all.
Speaker 1:That's interesting. Yeah, question, I haven't. I probably never asked you this.
Speaker 2:Oh boy.
Speaker 1:Did TJ like? Did he put his stuff away? No, no, he wasn't. Did you get frustrated with him?
Speaker 2:then he was a very messy man Most of us are. Yeah, most of you are, but it didn't really bother me then either, though, honestly. But then when you're used to that and then it's just gone, it reminds you of.
Speaker 1:You kind of miss the mess.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you miss the mess a little bit, and so it's just kind of like you know that really, you know, I'd like to stumble upon an empty water bottle somewhere. You know that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:So the question for me is, because you and I have had this discussion too Like we feel like we are very intentional with our time with our kids and we tried to slow down. But even looking back, I go, man, I wish we would have slowed down a little more. Um, cause now they're, they're out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm so excited cause we're going to see uh Cali girl in a couple of weeks down in Pensacola. I'm so excited to go see her. Anytime we get to go spend time, we spend time with our kids and just get excited.
Speaker 2:That's our nickname for Callie Callie girl.
Speaker 1:We are in that and we look back at it. There's always that hindsight, it's always 20-20. How do you have that without losing a spouse? To hear you say like that's a I mean, because a lot of people, most people listening, are like, hey, my marriage is.
Speaker 2:maybe it's tough, maybe it's good. There's not a lot of people that walk my path at the age I walked it Right. It was a hard path.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so again, I don't think you give yourself enough credit for how much you've healed and how much you've grown, and how you love and how you do those things is a huge, huge, huge part, and I think it just speaks volumes to who you are, but also to how do you get there, how do you make that happen?
Speaker 2:For me, it's just a way of thinking. For me, it's just a way of thinking, and okay, and transparency, are there things? If I let them drive me nuts about you? Yeah, I'm sure I could. We were talking earlier. I was like there's a couple of projects around the house that I would like to have finished, but are they annoying enough for me to nag you about it? Absolutely not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because, ultimately, if we sit down and talk about them, they annoying enough for me to nag you about it. Absolutely not. Yeah, because ultimately, if we sit down, and talk about them they're annoying to me too, I'm sure, Like it's just like oh God.
Speaker 2:On the flip side, it's probably as annoying as I'll get out to you that I don't fold clothes as often as I probably should. It's not probably, it is annoying to you.
Speaker 1:But you're not ugly to me about it ever, you know. Yeah, laundry is a hard thing for us, yes. It gets to the point where we literally this is the way we've tried to overcome that it gets so bad. We're like I don't have anything to wear in the mornings and I'm searching through laundry baskets.
Speaker 2:It's just not where it belongs.
Speaker 1:So we will literally dump it all on the bed. We'll turn some music on the TV, sometimes grab a drink, sometimes not. It really depends. Most of the time we don't.
Speaker 2:And we're just like head down, we're trying to get it done and just like, let's just finish this.
Speaker 1:So we sort you have a side, I have a side, we sort it out.
Speaker 2:We hang up our stuff, put it away. I put mine away. It literally doesn't take us 20 minutes. In the summer, when I'm home, laundry's not an issue because I'm home, I do it and I put all of ours away. But it's just so busy and time is such a rare resource. I guess you can say that I don't want to be in our bedroom folding clothes. I want to be out in the house, in the main area of the house, where everybody else is or where you are. I don't want to be back there putting up laundry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, your day's so short. Yeah, and that's when we say, hey, look, we live in the same world. You guys do Like it's crazy in our house. Yeah, like Jess. During school she gets home literally maybe at 3.40, 3.45. Sometimes she changes clothes, she's at the gym by 4 30. She comes home at 5 20. Uh, we maybe have 35, 40 minutes. Then we're cooking dinner. Yeah, cook dinner. Then it's like cleaning up and then jess goes to bed at eight o'clock. I always rag her, sometimes at 7 30, so we're no more eating and she's trying to go to bed are hard.
Speaker 1:Okay, firsties are hard work so jess was to go to bed because she's getting up at five o'clock, which I get, and so it's like we get when we say, when we're saying all this stuff, we're not just spouting off a bunch of crap.
Speaker 2:No, it's stuff we actually do and try to do and be mindful of. Yeah, so trust me, I understand that time is valuable, so that's why, again, it's so important to not sweat the small stuff, because if you you do, the small stuff becomes all you see, and you can't see any good. All you see is the stuff that drives you nuts so you kind of see what you want to see yeah, kind of like what we talked about mindset, not too long ago.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's true. It's true in that past episode.
Speaker 2:Gotcha all right all right, so your second one was the old, dreaded C word.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that we all say and we all throw around, and a lot, most of us suck at it Communication, yep. So communication is my, that's my soapbox. I'll jump on that thing faster than anything, and sometimes I know you're annoyed by it, but also too, it's—.
Speaker 2:Not annoyed. Challenged is a better word.
Speaker 1:Okay, maybe challenged. Yeah, that's probably right. But I've seen so many relationships, like professional relationships, personal relationships fall apart because of lack of communication. I mean, in all honesty, most relationships end because of poor communication. Yeah, even in the fact I know I've said before most end with bad communication and unmet expectations. That unmet expectation is due to communication. Yeah because you didn't communicate about it.
Speaker 1:And so it all goes back to this simple word of communicate, back to this simple word of communicate. But it's so simple and so complex all at the same time that sometimes we just get ticked. If it was like you know what, I'm just not going to do it. The mountain seems too big to climb, I'm just not going to do it. And so we don't, yeah.
Speaker 2:So when we decided we were going to have a relationship after we became friends, it pretty quickly escalated to hey, I want to actually date you. How frustrating was it to learn that I was a terrible communicator at that point.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't think I'm a phenomenal communicator.
Speaker 2:Well, you're way better than me. So I think I was and you've had portions of your career that depended on that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, where I had to do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think the most frustrating part wasn't that you sucked at it. I think I wanted to understand and know how you were feeling and where you were coming from, and you just did not have words.
Speaker 1:No and you would not use your words and you would just be like I don't know and I'm like, well, what does that mean? I don't know what that means and I was like, well, what does that mean? Well, you just get frustrated and we'd be stuck in this, we're just spinning our tires. And I was like, okay, we're not going anywhere, we've got going anywhere. We got to figure out a different way to do this. So it's like we got to ask some better questions and figure out what those questions are to get you to thinking differently about your thoughts and your feelings Well, I perceived it as negative interesting you're questioning me and my thoughts, it felt negative and then on my side, I was afraid I might say something that would be hurtful unintentionally or it would be, it would just.
Speaker 2:It just all felt like the potential was just negativity, rather than just literally tell me what you're feeling I mean now I know that but that. But that's not how I've functioned before.
Speaker 1:That's interesting that it came from a negative point. Like you, saw things as me asking questions as I was attacking you. Yeah, interesting Okay.
Speaker 2:I've never had anybody in my whole life that did that, so it was like why are you asking me so many questions Like what I'm? Telling you what I think, I'm telling you what I want to tell you.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So it literally felt, it felt really negative in the beginning.
Speaker 1:And sometimes.
Speaker 2:I still fall into that.
Speaker 1:I think, yeah, and I think, but also too, I, I think, sometimes I get, I like to say passionate. You say uh, use a different word, uh, then I'll say, when I become very passionate, yeah, you say I'm a dramatic. I say it's passionate, uh, it's neither here nor there, it's it's here, over here with dramatic. It's neither here nor there, uh, but the reality is is like it. It's my tone, in the way I ask. It's not just about asking the question.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, your tone sometimes is like shutdown city for me.
Speaker 1:It's in the way that.
Speaker 2:I ask it. It's the way you ask it.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So, guys, it's not about just see. I can text my friend Michael, who's our producer here, who's behind the computer and headphones on. I can text him a question and just simply be like so what did you think about this? And without the context of that, he'd be like what does that mean? What are you talking about?
Speaker 1:But then if I sit down and go. Hey, I heard you had a meeting the other day with so-and-so and you guys were talking about this. How did your conversation go about that and go? Hey, I heard you had a meeting the other day with so-and-so and you guys were talking about this. How did your conversation go about that? That's a completely different way of asking the same question. It's just a little more in-depth in getting there and I get it.
Speaker 2:Can be, overwhelming, it really can be, Because sometimes how fast your brain thinks, you can fire off like 20 questions within two minutes and I'm still back here processing the first half of the first question. So you have to also be mindful of how your partner communicates and processes communication.
Speaker 1:Right, not just communication, but how they process and that's still many years later.
Speaker 2:It's a frustration for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah it is I'm learning to slow down and to just sometimes be quiet, and that's still many years later. It's a frustration for us. Yeah, it is. I'm learning to slow down and to just sometimes be quiet, because that's a good thing for me not to be talking all the time, but that's my thing. If I'm going to tell you there's one thing you ought to fight for, it's fight for communicating with your significant other.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And do that to the best of your ability, but like ask her how her day goes If she's in the gym class, what did you do?
Speaker 2:in the gym today and then actually listen to her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, don't just ask a question and get on your phone. Put your phone down. Yeah, Lock eyes and say hey, what was good about your day?
Speaker 2:Even when you do ask me how the gym goes and I'm telling you the ridiculous things that we did in the circuit training, even if you're not interested, you do a great job of pretending like you are. Or even if I tell you some first grade story from today and you're really intentional about getting to know my students with me and like I can't believe so-and-so did that. Or he's so silly when he said, and like whether I don't know if you actually it's going to sound ugly. I don't know if you actually care, I don't mean it that way. Or like invested in what I'm saying, you care about it. Or like if you're actually invested, I don't know because you don't show me that. You show me like you said. You put your phone down, you look at me and you know we. You actually engage in what I'm saying. So I feel like I'm being listened to.
Speaker 1:Well, that's the friendship. Yeah, Like, if I'm friends with you, I'm going to be invested. Like if we go to, if we go to have coffee and you get on your phone, that irritates the hell out of me. Like, if you're getting on your, like if we're going to have coffee and you get on your phone and you're doing it, I'm like bro, bye, but we don't do that?
Speaker 2:Just take my coffee and leave?
Speaker 1:No, we don't do that. It's like I'm not doing that Like I said time aside to meet with you. Like if I'm with you and I'm sitting. I'm going to be intentional about my time, because communication is not about talking all the way, yeah, it's the way.
Speaker 2:you everything, yeah, so be intentional with that okay, so we have. We've sort of we've kind of unpacked as we've gone today. Yeah, um, so let's talk about what our friends can do. This is sort of like the unpack version uh, it's a little bit different. So let's talk about some, maybe some action steps for our friends that are listening okay, okay, okay so. How about you For communication? What can they do? Ooh, okay.
Speaker 1:Wow, all right, start. Start with communication is like set aside some time that this week say, hey, we're going to have and I know I've said this challenge once and I'll say it again because I love it and it's so stinking helpful. It just gets you in the fun mode of doing this. Do 10 minutes because it's really short, put your phones away, set a timer for five minutes and for five minutes you do nothing but ask questions. The person who's getting the questions asked to them can just respond. You can't interject. If you're asking questions, don't interject, just ask questions. Ask them can just respond. You can't interject. If you're asking questions, don't interject, just ask questions. Um. And then, when the five minutes is up, you switch roles. The person that was um switches and they start asking questions and you start answering.
Speaker 2:Well, the whole idea behind that is not just talking but listening. That's. Communication is not just about sharing, it's actually listening what the other person is saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just try that simple exercise once. Just try it once, and then you'll get in the habit of just talking.
Speaker 2:The first time we did that exercise, we both were crying. Yeah, we're so emotional, we're emotional.
Speaker 1:But here's the thing, though, about communication. Like, communication is not just talking about crap that's going wrong. Communication is talking about absolutely everything. Like hey, our money is crap. This week we don't have any, so we should be eating this and that, or we shouldn't be doing this or we don't need to go out this and I know you don't want me to talk about it. But even the communication of what happens in your bedroom, like the intimacy side, you need to talk about it. We treat that like we don't talk about it. We can't talk about that, we don't want to talk about that, and so we go with all these unmet expectations and all these crazy things. When it comes to that, it's just a conversation. Just start and I get it. You're putting yourself out there when you do that with all those things, but just start the conversation and that's an. That's an easy way to get used to starting asking questions, because you would say you're bad at asking questions, but when you get in that exercise, you kind of do really well.
Speaker 2:Thanks.
Speaker 1:So that's my one thing.
Speaker 2:Okay, so what about when you're thinking about being selfless was something that our friends can try. I know what we talked about earlier.
Speaker 1:I would say do something for your spouse or your significant other, that there is absolutely no return on investment for you In the corporate world we call that ROI. There's literally no return on investment for you. In the corporate world we call that ROI. Like, there's literally no return on investment other than I'm going to give to you because I love you and you're my partner. So I'm going to do something for you and I don't expect anything in return. And it could be guys. I'm saying something as simple, like if you know her favorite candy bar, her favorite candy or something, just buy that and just surprise her with that. And just I mean surprise her with you. Know, put thought into it. Don't do like, oh, I'm going to get a Starbucks gift card. No, like know what kind of coffee she gets from Starbucks. Like know what her favorite candy is, what her favorite thing is? Don't make it huge. Make it something. Something. Start small. Like let's don't go over the top here.
Speaker 2:Uh just something really simple. Just get her flowers, just because you think that's what every woman likes. That's not all of us yeah, just say it's flowers I mean, I love to look at them, but I don't want you to buy me them yeah, so it's no, but you should know that, because that's communication.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just do something. That I mean. And a small question could be like what's one thing I could do this week that would just make you smile.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Ask her that question and see what she says. Or ask him that question and see what he says. Do it for each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's kind of a fun. It's just not the dudes for the for seeing others. Yeah, both ways. Just do something nice. Don't expect anything in return. Don't be ticked if they don't notice it. Don't be ticked if they don't do anything. Just do it, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you love them.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:For simply that Serve.
Speaker 1:Just serve man. When you serve other people, it feels good. Yeah, it's just a good feeling. So how?
Speaker 2:about you. So the things that I was talking about mine are simple, but they're not as far as have fun together, schedule a date night. And a date night doesn't mean you go out in the world. It could mean, after the kids go to bed, you sit down together at the table and have a cup of decaf coffee and just talk.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Or, you know, go sit outside for a few minutes and look at the stars together, Like it could be something super, super simple.
Speaker 1:Be careful and don't fall into just watch a show. No, don't, because that's the lowest level of connection you can have with someone, because you're not even talking, you just need to do something together, right, do something together regularly, okay.
Speaker 2:And also the other one I said don't sweat the small stuff, that's just a soapbox. I'm going to stand on forever. Think about the things that drive you nuts, about your spouse, things that you might hear Like be mindful of what you're saying, and things that you might be nagging about, or things that you just won't let go of. And think about why does that drive you so crazy? Why?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And is it that big of a deal? Because I can assure you, when you dissect it and you look at it and you compare it to the big picture, it's not. And if it is something that's a big deal, then you better learn how to communicate about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then have a conversation around it, be like, hey, when you put your stuff on the island, it's not the best thing in the world. What's the solution?
Speaker 2:for us not to do that. Do I need to make a basket for you somewhere?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so don't be like you get your stuff off the counter and that's not where it goes, because everybody knows it's not where it goes.
Speaker 2:Why don't you ever put your stuff up?
Speaker 1:Why don't you ever yeah, so just figure out a way to have that conversation. All right, so that's good. Do we want to do a question?
Speaker 2:One last question I think we'll save it for next time.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:No, you know what we'll do. We'll do a short. We'll post a reel this week with our question.
Speaker 1:All right. So thank you guys for joining in tonight. Thank, Thank you for listening. Make sure to like subscribe. Do all the fun stuff, the sharing, Tell all your friends yeah, all that good jazz For you guys. If anyone joined us on a live man, thank you, you deserve a drink, Thank you.
Speaker 2:And maybe send us a message or I don't know if we're already friends text us or whatever, and just let us know what you thought and what we can do better.
Speaker 1:So hopefully we're trying to increase and do more and more for our show. So if you have ideas, please let us know. Um, but thank you guys so much. Love you guys. And uh, we'll see you next time. Bye.
