Baggage Claim
Baggage Claim is a space for blended families, marriage, and friendship.
Here, we dive into real-life conversations about the ups and downs of relationships, from navigating second marriages to unpacking the baggage we all bring. Hosted by Greg and Jessica, who both have rich experiences with love, loss, and family, this community is about sharing stories, learning together, and growing stronger as couples and individuals. Grab a drink and join us as we unpack, laugh, and claim our baggage—one conversation at a time
Baggage Claim
Curiosity Over Conflict: A New Way to Communicate
Ever wonder why some couples seem to navigate conflicts effortlessly while others get stuck in endless loops of misunderstanding? The secret might be simpler than you think.
In this heart-to-heart conversation, we explore a powerful three-word phrase that has transformed our relationship: "Help me understand." This deceptively simple tool creates space for curiosity and empathy—two essential ingredients for genuine connection. We reveal how this approach differs from typical communication strategies by going beyond surface-level exchanges to uncover the thoughts and feelings beneath our words.
Drawing from our own struggles and victories, we distinguish between merely hearing someone and truly listening to them. Hearing happens passively when sound reaches your ears, but listening requires intention, focus, and a genuine desire to comprehend another person's perspective. We candidly discuss how technology distractions, impatience, and the desire to be right can sabotage even our best communication efforts.
You'll discover six practical approaches to better understanding: listening without judgment, listening to learn, paying attention to body language, acknowledging feelings, avoiding interruptions, and practicing patience. These aren't just theoretical concepts—they're tools we're actively implementing in our own relationship, sometimes succeeding and sometimes stumbling.
The beauty of "help me understand" lies in its versatility. It works not just in moments of conflict but in everyday interactions that build your connection over time. Whether you're newly married or celebrating decades together, this approach creates a foundation of mutual respect and genuine curiosity about your partner's inner world.
Ready to transform your conversations from frustrating dead-ends to pathways of deeper connection? Listen now, and then share which of our six strategies resonates most with you. The journey to understanding begins with a single question.
Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.
Speaker 2:And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Baggage Claim everyone. Thank you again so much for tuning in If this is your first time catching us and listening to us. Thank you so much for tuning in If this is your first time catching us and listening to us. Thank you so much for joining in For those of you who have been with us since we started on this long adventure of four months.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the table.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you guys. So, wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, just kind of take a deep breath, just take and just relax. Pull yourself up to the table, metaphorically, with us.
Speaker 2:I need to take a deep breath and relax too.
Speaker 1:And have some conversation. Grab your favorite drink whatever that may be your drink of choice and just kind of relax and chill and enjoy some fun conversation today. This is new for us today.
Speaker 2:Yes, it is.
Speaker 1:Since we started, we have not experienced yet and we're not really sure how we feel about it yet.
Speaker 2:I don't feel like I like it. Producer Michael is always here.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And this week he has been a little busy to say the least, and he has not been able to join us, so we have hit record on all the things all by ourselves, yeah, but then FaceTime Producer Michael to make sure we're doing it right, and so, and literally just got off the phone with him and I was like I don't like this.
Speaker 1:So last week's episode when we talked about we don't know what we're doing, that's technically sometimes also yeah, like we're trying to figure it out as we go.
Speaker 2:But that's okay. We're so brave and strong and we're going to try this that's what I say to my niece, that he's five. You are so brave and strong, you can do it.
Speaker 1:So we're you know we're having fun. We hit a milestone. Was that this past week? Did we share that last week?
Speaker 2:No, we haven't shared it.
Speaker 1:We have not shared it yet I think and it could be kind of silly you guys out in the podcast world could be like bless your heart. It's a very Southern thing to say, but you would say that we are now in 109 different cities, four different countries.
Speaker 2:And four countries in the world want to hear what we're talking about.
Speaker 1:And we busted the thousand marks. We have over a thousand downloads and listens all over the United States and those four other countries.
Speaker 2:It's nuts.
Speaker 1:It is nuts. It's kind of fun. Thank you, guys Like. If you haven't followed us on socials yet, we're on all of those Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. We're on YouTube, so make sure to go find us, Follow us to get all the latest stuff that's coming up and happening. We're trying to get better with all of our stuff. We both have jobs. We do trying to get better with all of our stuff.
Speaker 2:We both have jobs, we both have families.
Speaker 1:We're both trying to live out the things we're talking about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we only have one, we have one family.
Speaker 1:So we're trying to do all this and push this as we go.
Speaker 2:Yes and just this past week it was my birthday and my mama was over for dinner and she was like, jess, tell me about this podcasting. Because I had not really had a lot of conversation with my mom and I said it's not because I haven't wanted to share. I was like I just didn't think this many people want to hear what we're talking about, and so that was kind of like a it's been very eye opening, yeah. But thank you guys, yeah.
Speaker 1:Like. This is just us trying to be real and real life conversations, things we struggle with, things we're trying to figure out as we walk through this journey. But thank you for joining us on this journey with us and I hope you enjoy it today. So we're jumping into a phrase that I use all the time. Michael, our producer, he rails me on this a lot, always saying because I use this phrase with him. Michael and I used to work together a lot and we would have a lot of one-on-ones like once a week.
Speaker 1:And I probably use this phrase hundreds of times with him, but the phrase is help me understand.
Speaker 2:You've used that phrase millions of times with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and sometimes I use it and I don't even realize I'm using it. So that one statement is help me understand. So we're going to try to unpack that. But think of it this way. I'm kind of a handyman, so I like to think of it this way. I have a bunch of toolboxes and I have a lot of tools scattered all over the place, and so if you ask me what my two most important tools are, I can walk in there and show you.
Speaker 2:Right away.
Speaker 1:These are the two things that I have to have in order to do anything Well in marriage. I believe that there are tools that we add to our toolbox, metaphorically, and how we are successful at marriage and relationships even outside the home not just marriage, but even Relationships in general. Yeah, how we marriage, but even Relationships in general. Yeah, how we communicate, how we operate outside of our household. So what we wanted to do today is provide you with a tool that I feel like is a very, very essential tool for a healthy, good, growing relationship.
Speaker 2:Yes, because, no matter where you're at in your relationship or what season you're in, you've never been there yet and you haven't mastered it. So for you to walk into something or a conversation about whatever's going on or how you're feeling in the moment, it's okay to not know how to handle it, but if I'm having big feelings about something or you're having big feelings, I want to understand that, or I should want to understand that. We'll put it that way, right.
Speaker 1:We heard this great line from a pastor this past Sunday and it's just in Mount Church, and Brian Hall made the statement. I was like whoa, yeah, he's like if you think you've got it all figured out, then you just need to sit down.
Speaker 2:That was huge, and I was like whoa. We haven't talked to Brian about that, but I sure would like to go back and talk to him about it, Like he probably had no idea how big that phrase really was For us anyway, yeah.
Speaker 1:It was just like man. That's very, very impactful for us to be like yeah, that's a huge statement, because so many times, even in social media, everybody's like you have to look at. Social media gives the highlights Everything's great, everything's good, we have all these things together, but behind the scenes it's like no, it's not like that at all.
Speaker 2:No, it's really not.
Speaker 1:And so we're portraying. We want to just say, hey look, we don't have it figured out, but we're trying, and if you want to join it's awesome. So so help me understand. Is, when I talk about that tool, that one tool is just a tool in this idea of communication. This is just one tool.
Speaker 2:But it takes communication a step further.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's like communication is here and this is like a layer underneath. Yeah, so this is kind of a subtitle of communication. I think it's just essential for relationship building. Yeah, so you tell me, when I say that phrase, what do you think about or what comes to your mind?
Speaker 2:The phrase that helped me understand.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the good, bad or the ugly.
Speaker 2:Well, in the beginning of our relationship, before I figured out some things that helped me communicate better because I still learn, I'm still learning how to communicate better it felt negative to me in the beginning of our relationship because I'd never really had anybody say no, explain to me why you feel that way, because when you would do it, I felt like, oh gosh, this is not okay.
Speaker 1:But you went to counseling for a lot of times I did, so you didn't get that in counseling, or was counseling just different, or was it that was a counselor relationship not a? No, my counselor.
Speaker 2:It was specifically geared toward grief and how to walk one foot in front of the other through grief too, and he was a Christian counselor and he still he still does counsel people now. But it was very much a. It's okay to feel how you're feeling, but let's figure out how to keep moving forward. It was not a. Well, let's unpack how you're feeling. Why do you feel this? I mean, it's kind of obvious. I felt like at that point of what I had experienced losing my spouse.
Speaker 1:The trauma was pretty obvious, yeah, so I didn't really have to unpack why I was of what I had experienced losing my spouse.
Speaker 2:The trauma was pretty obvious, yeah, so I didn't really have to unpack why I was feeling what I was feeling. It was just to help me move forward and not get stuck. So I have never I've never actually had, other than you, someone help me to be like it's okay to feel like that. So let's talk about why you feel that way and what brought you to where you're at, so that we can understand one another.
Speaker 1:I've never had that I got and for me, it developed over and I'm still learning communication, because I'm still not great at it. It's still trying to be better and better every time we have conversations, or have conversations outside our house with other people. For me, it was through consulting and facilitation, small group facilitation, those kind of things where I was just really focused on asking questions and trying to figure out what people were thinking, where they were at, how they were moving there, what was going on.
Speaker 2:Which is a very positive thing, because you, as the person asking those questions, it was purely of curiosity and I want to know how you got there. But for someone like me, who had never had anything like that before, it felt like almost like I'm in trouble, like what I said was wrong just because I never had that.
Speaker 1:And that leads us into I think because we were talking about this at our favorite little hangout spot called Mellow.
Speaker 2:Mellow Mushroom around the corner in Gainesville, Georgia.
Speaker 1:We spent a lot of time there, but anyway, the first thing I thought of was like, hey, you've got to have. There's two things For me when I think of that phrase, like when I use that phrase, if I unpack that in my own thoughts, there's two things that are always present in that. It's curiosity. You have to be curious to understand why people think and act and do the things they do. There has to be some curiosity there and there has to be empathy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I feel like you can't have empathy until you have curiosity.
Speaker 1:I feel like Okay, what do you mean If I'm?
Speaker 2:not curious of how you're feeling. That means I don't want to be able to empathize with you.
Speaker 1:Okay, how about that yeah?
Speaker 2:Because when we were planning this, you and I came up with this sort of loose definition of what empathy means to us.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm looking in my handy-dandy notebook if you're watching us on YouTube or not, but I have my little notebook here.
Speaker 1:If you're listening, if you're watching, you see it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that's true, I said it backwards. I'm sorry. I still get so nervous when we're doing this, I can't help it. Empathy, we said, is a respect for how the other person is feeling, even if we don't understand.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think for me I use the idea of your trauma of losing TJ, and so for me, I've literally sat and asked you questions like tell me who he was, tell me what did he like to do, what did he not like? And some people may look at that and go I'm not having that conversation. I don't want to. For me, I wanted to understand.
Speaker 2:Him as a person.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you because you shared 12 years of your life with that person.
Speaker 2:That's where I was going with that, because I shared a big piece of my life and had kids and a life exactly what you did before me as well. Right, but because of the way your first marriage, how it ended, is different than mine. We needed to each understand that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and so I think that for me the idea was I don't know, what it's like to lose a spouse in a traumatic situation like that.
Speaker 2:You don't know what it feels like to be a 31-year-old widow with little kids.
Speaker 1:No, I have been. I mean, I was in my 30s and I had two kids and I was single but I didn't. It was different. It was a different trauma, oh 100%.
Speaker 2:It was a trauma equally, but it was just.
Speaker 1:And so for me, I want, like it's not like, oh, I just want to have empathy. I'm curious as to like I'm still curious too about your like, the way you have, the way you live your life, going through what you've went through, experiencing what you experienced, and then still being able to see life the way you do, with such a joy, with such excitement, even the going to the Braves game yesterday, so excited, so so much fun, I mean, and it was just like sometimes we lose sight, but you've been through those things, so it's just really. I'm curious about that, so I'm always asking questions, digging into that.
Speaker 2:Well, even like then, some people may not view it the same way I do and I may get choked up just because I'm going to talk about Lucy, our, just because I'm going to talk about Lucy, our granddaughter, but looking at her, and even though she looks exactly like her mother most of the time, just looking at her and being like that's TJ's granddaughter, like that's wild and it's not a, my heart's going to fall apart and I'm going to go into a puddle and cry. But it's just like, wow, the amazement factor, and I don't know if that's unusual or not, but what do you mean?
Speaker 2:I don't know, I feel like not necessarily I feel like but I know some people who have struggled in a similar journey to mine that didn't look at it like I, or still don't look at it like I, or still don't look at it like I do. Yes, I mourned and felt that grief and that heaviness for such a long time, but I also know because of actual conversations that TJ and I had, because of his own life experience. He was like if something happens to me, please don't just stop, don't freeze. I want you to be happy, I want you to continue, and so I knew that he would encourage me to do that. So, moving forward this many years later I mean he's this year he will have been dead for 25 years. Oh, excuse me, 15 years. I just added an extra decade there, 15 years.
Speaker 2:But I feel I have a hard time saying this about myself. But I feel proud of myself for not going straight to that sadness of, well, he's not here. Well, no, I know, but I also know he's in heaven. But I also know there's in heaven, but I also know there's like wow, that just that amazement of what God, the way I view what God has done in my life. I don't know. It's just like you said. It's just all in the way I look at things and I had to make a really conscious effort to be able to do that. It's not natural.
Speaker 1:I don't, yeah. Most people are not just generally happy people. They just see life with fun and zeal and if any I mean if you ever got, if you guys ever get a chance to spend time with Jess, you will. You'll see that Everybody loves her because her energy is. So I don't think everybody loves me, but 98, 99% of the people and of course, there's probably 99% of the people.
Speaker 1:You just have amazing energy, thank you. This is very attractive to people and so, but I agree the curiosity part is that helps lead toward the empathy. But, if you don't have, if you're not curious how other people think and you don't really care about empathy, then you're just going to one. You're just going to be angry a lot in life. You're going to have a hard time communicating with everybody.
Speaker 2:And a selfish disposition.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's not okay. No, it's just, it's hard to live life that way and have fun with it, so it's like in your marriage.
Speaker 1:communication is one of those things that it just. If you ever say, oh, we got this mastered, then, as Brian Hall would say, then you should sit back down and listen, not to say we have this figured out. We're on this journey with you.
Speaker 2:And we, you and I, together as a couple, we have a very unique perspective on things just because of our past and how we came together. Call it if it's your first marriage and you're raising kids and doing all the things you still have to be able to reach that part of okay. I can see you feel frustrated today, so help me understand what's going on. Yeah.
Speaker 1:What happened? What happened when we go sideways? Yeah, and most of the time it's probably not you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's probably not. It's probably outside circumstances or something else that's going on in that situation. So it's a. It's a really. This whole help me understand thing is a curious, but yet I like to use the word discovery. I like discovery. I think that's a fun, a fun phrase to get into.
Speaker 2:It is, and so, like when we're planning these podcast episodes that we record, we have some planning conversations and we started getting into talking about how, okay, what's the difference between hearing versus listening?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And so I literally Googled.
Speaker 1:Well, we discussed it. We thought we had our own opinions about what we thought it was and we're like, well, let's just actually see what the Google machine says.
Speaker 2:Because our very like bottom line opinion. We thought, ok, well, hearing, you're not an active participant. Ok, listening, when I said you hear it and apply it. But when we Googled it, we learned even more. And also the amount of things that define these words shows you which one's more important in my opinion, because hearing is passive and you're just receiving sound.
Speaker 1:Okay, yep.
Speaker 2:That's it. Listening is active, it's voluntary, with an intentional process. You actually have to pay attention and you're trying to understand and that's not even. That was not couples, that was nothing, that was just basic. What's the difference between hearing versus listening? Yeah, and so that word you just said, discovery, really kind of nails it with listening.
Speaker 1:It does. I think there was a I heard this phrase one time I can't remember where it was at and it was probably in a training or something, but they were talking about active listening versus just hearing. And it says because what happens most of the time is like if you're saying something, I'm listening and I'm waiting for a pause so I can say what I need to say. Yeah, that's hearing Like. If I'm, if I'm listening to, I'm waiting for a pause so I can say what I need to say. Yeah, that's hearing Like if I'm listening to you and I catch yourself in the middle and then I'm going. Did you want to say something? And be like I did, but.
Speaker 1:I forgot what it was Because I was so interested in what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So sometimes when we're communicating with someone, we're almost to the point where we go just shut up so I can say what I need to say. Yeah, just let me say what I need to say. It's not about you, it's about me. I need to say what?
Speaker 2:I need to say.
Speaker 1:And I think and help me understand is you ought to be so engaged in that conversation that you're just like what you want to say is secondary. Yeah, it takes a backseat it should. So it's almost like when you finish, you're like I had a question, but I got a better question now, Like I heard something in that that was intriguing.
Speaker 2:So that's that curiosity we talked about in the beginning, because if you're not curious and being an active listener, how are you going to reach the point where you can empathize with that person you're in conversation with?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good point.
Speaker 2:Period, yeah, whether it's your spouse or friends or business or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, if you want to, I mean this is a huge. This is a huge thing even in business, like, especially if you're in sales man, just ask great questions to people. People love to talk about themselves, people love to hear themselves talk. But in the same sense it's like but you got to listen. You got to listen for what people want, what they need, but the same goes true for your significant other in your life. Like hearing them and be like, oh, I heard what you said, okay, but did you listen? Yeah?
Speaker 1:It's like it's that hard balance of trying to figure out what Right you know it's like okay, because if you're actively listening, it's exhausting, it's hard to do, it's mentally exhausting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's draining. Like you can't do that all the time, like it's just not possible.
Speaker 1:It's not. So give yourself a little leeway and saying it's okay, yeah, it's all right If if you're not all the time, but you know, sometimes I'll be on my phone and you're talking to me and you'll be like did you hear what I said? I'll be like absolutely, and I just rattle off what it is you said Right Five minutes from then I'll be like I have no idea what she just said to me.
Speaker 2:Instead of I don't call you out for being on your phone, I'll just say I'll wait till you're finished with what you're doing on your phone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's not. It's so nice.
Speaker 2:It's nice when they say put your phone down.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because.
Speaker 1:I'm not as subtle. I would use the conversation because when we're in the car where Jess is a passenger princess who does nothing but sit over there in the passenger seat, I am a passenger princess in life, because that's what you created for me. And sometimes it's on her phone and she just. It's natural the algorithm has her.
Speaker 2:Like it knows your number, Like you'll pick up.
Speaker 1:You picked it you literally yesterday, picked up your phone to look at something and you I look over there and you're scrolling on Instagram. And I was like, and then you put your phone back down and you're like wait a minute, I didn't even look at what I was supposed to.
Speaker 2:I didn't even look at the thing that I was supposed to go there for. That's how captivating that is. That was so embarrassing.
Speaker 1:And so it's almost like we're riding in the car and Jess is over there scrolling. I was like it is. You're having a conversation with your phone is so fun.
Speaker 2:You're acting like that's current. Well, yesterday was current. Yeah, it's pretty current, but a few years ago you did bring that up to me about how oh so fun it is to ride in the car with me because I'm over there on my phone and I have to still make a conscious choice to put my phone down so I can be an active listener when we're in the car.
Speaker 1:I mean because most of us it's that whole idea of engagement. Yeah, Like you're not going to have any kind of conversation if your face is in the phone. No, if you're engaged in that and I'm sorry, I know that may sound old-fashioned to me, but I'm just telling you like you're going to miss a lot of life because you're looking down Because you're on your phone, so you know.
Speaker 2:I mean bless our own kids' heart, all of them. It's rare that we have everybody together, but when a few of them are with us and we're sitting, we love to sit in our garage because it's not really. If we live in an older home it's more like a carport, so it's open, it's more like a bigger covered patio, basically, and we use it that way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's in vans and stuff out there.
Speaker 2:And we can be sitting out there and it'll be you and I talking, and the other adults that are our children will be on their phones. And it's not because they're being ugly, it's just that environment, the world they're raised in. We had to make that conscious effort, but we had to say, say out loud hey, can y'all put your phones down and like talk to us?
Speaker 1:that'd be fun but I mean that's for everyone, it is. So it's again. We go back to um this again. Help me understand. It is a sub-level of communication to say there's got to be some curiosity, there's got to be some things, um. But you have to be active, listening, like the curiosity. If you're not curious, again I agree with you. There's no empathy, no, you're. There's got to be some things.
Speaker 2:But you have to be active listening, like the curiosity. If you're not curious, again I agree with you there's no empathy. You're not actively listening because you're like I don't really care what they have to say. Yeah, you just want to be right, yeah, so if you choose to start using this help me understand phrase it- should not be saved for only when you're in what we like to say for an intense fellowship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the idea for this is not that— it's not a weapon. Yeah, there's not a winner or a loser.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:This is not something you use to go in and say I'm going to prove my point and I'm going to say help me understand why your answer is so wrong and so stupid because, mine's right, your spouse is not your opponent, right?
Speaker 2:So this is like I said this is not a weapon to keep in your back pocket to use against your spouse. This is for you to use with each other and not just intense fellowship moments.
Speaker 1:No, this is just everyday run-of-the-mill conversation of hey, here's some like just whatever it may be, like Jess may come home and it's frustrating. I was like ooh, okay, help me understand what happened today.
Speaker 2:Why are you aiming that at me? Yeah, what's going on and I could just be like it was a rough day with my littles in first grade.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so then my next question is okay, tell me about it, Let me hear it and let me help you fix it or help you feel better. There's not a lot of feel better to that, but you know, and for guys I'll tell you this this is a hard place for us Because when you use the phrase, help me understand this is not about trying to find a solution to her problems.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just sometimes need you to just listen to me. This is about trying to understand her thoughts and her feelings and she, honestly, she may not understand her thoughts and her feelings either. So it can be a bit of a rabbit chase sometimes and you just like sometimes the rabbit just disappears. You're like, okay, let's move on.
Speaker 2:Okay, great, we're good now yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's like it's not a. It's not a fixed situation, it's not a. Don't go into this thinking. I'm just trying to get to the fix it part and I just want to be right and I'm going to win this. If you're starting that way, you're in trouble.
Speaker 2:Yeah, is it always easy for us to use this phrase and try to live this out? Absolutely not, because you get frustrated still.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do get frustrated, Like we had this conversation and I'll be. I'll be. This is me being candidly honest. So podcasters you're getting the candidly honest version of us. You get that anyway, really we like to do challenges sometimes, so we had this one challenge the other day. We're like we're going to try to be have.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:We're going to try to have fun time seven days in a row. Greg Beck, we lasted two days, two days. So we always try to do something, dude, we're just trying here, okay, like we're throwing stuff to the wall.
Speaker 2:My face is so red.
Speaker 1:Your mom don't listen, so it's okay. It's okay, your friends may, but anyway we're trying this and I was like yesterday day I was like I have an idea, let's challenge because this is fun. We went to the Braves game. I was in charge of getting tickets, parking passes, directions, literally everything.
Speaker 1:My so cute Dale Murphy jersey on and get in the car, yeah and I was like I have an idea how about, for 30 days, I'll be a passenger, princess, and you sit over here and I sit over there. We didn't even entertain that thought. No, you didn't even give it. No, I mean, it was just like nope, we're not doing it. And I was like why not, like, why not?
Speaker 2:And so it is Well. Our son Thomas and his wife Miranda were with us and Thomas was like Dad, you'll never make it. You don't like to ride with me in the car and make it. You don't like to ride with me in the car and I I never in 13 years and I know it may be frustrating but also you think it's cute too. But I've never had to make like the big plans because you enjoy my ridiculousness of excitement sometimes, yeah, but yeah, you know I, I like to see a glimmer of hey, I'm here Of rest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm in this, but I think my more frustration on the communication part is yes. You're not a, I'm a. I'm a probably what you would call the person, I'm a driver. So I like to hey there's no, nothing's happening here. Let's push things down the field.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:My kids always tell me, they always write me and go. You never sit still and you're never just kind of chilled, relaxed, which is an issue.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying, that's what you should be Until we go on a trip and then you check out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's hard for me, so I, but when there's a conversation we need to have, I know we need to have it, you know we need to have it you know we need to have it.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to start it.
Speaker 1:No, you just sit there.
Speaker 2:And it's sometimes so frustrating going.
Speaker 1:Just say it, Just say it. I just want you to start it and then it may be two minutes, but it sounds like two days. It feels like two days and I'm just like she's never going to do this. I'm going to have to, and so then I just break, and that's a frustration for us, but it's something we have to, that I have to work on.
Speaker 2:I do too, but I mean, my struggle is I read into your body language and your tone of voice when we're having a conversation about something Like I literally watch everything you do and I'm like gosh, his tone of voice got really flat, really frustrated. Oh, he's so mad at me, but you're not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes you read into those. I know I'm not very good at hiding my frustration, though, which is why I look like that's like a laser focus for me.
Speaker 2:I'm like, oh gosh, he's you know whatever.
Speaker 1:So there you go guys, there's my—I'm horrible at body language and tone. Apparently that's just things I do, and I do realize that sometimes I need to work, because what you do—not only what you say it's how you always say it. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So, and we all have to work at it. I feel like that's right next door to the golden rule, it's the next door to the golden rule. What is that? To treat others how you want to be treated. Also, too. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
Speaker 1:That's true, I mean it really is. And like, for instance, like if you're reading body language and tone, if we're having a conversation and your phone is turned face up on the table, I don't feel like I really have your attention.
Speaker 2:That's wild.
Speaker 1:And then if your phone's turned upside down on the table. So I started doing that and I got in the habit of turning my phone upside down, not that I'm hiding anything, but when I was at a business meeting. That's interesting and my phone would like if something popped up and I could see it, your eyes would go straight there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my brain and then I'd be like what do they want, what do they need, how do they need that? And so then I started putting it in my pocket. Well then, it's in my pocket and it's vibrating and it's like okay, that's just as bad as it being there. So it's almost like and this is not just marriage, this is just I don't just lay my phone down.
Speaker 2:I just lay my phone down, I don't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you.
Speaker 2:But I can see what you're saying though.
Speaker 1:But we naturally like for me when you called me about playing games on my phone, because naturally when my butt would hit the couch you would go straight to your games. Yeah, my phone would open and I'd play some stupid game.
Speaker 2:And I didn't even realize I was doing it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was way deep into that and it just when you brought it to my attention I was like, man, that's right, you're right. And then I started looking at you. Know, the kids were like what level are you on, dad? And I was like they thought it was cool, 4,000 something. They're like I'm on 120.
Speaker 2:And I was like, oh my gosh, I have a problem to this day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm so proud of you and I have some buddies who really want me to get so we can play PGA Golf Live online together game system, but I'm like I don't think it's like an addict.
Speaker 2:I don't think I have control. You don't have the cutoff switch for that.
Speaker 1:No, I would be like full on invested, building a career and trying to be like a professional golfer from a video game and so um, but it all that to say like we man body?
Speaker 2:language too, we have our own things.
Speaker 1:We still work the body language thing is, too, is like put your phone away. Like put it away, cut it off if you have to, whatever it is. Yeah, that's why we said no phones at the kitchen table, so we could actually have engaging conversations.
Speaker 1:So if you're at work and someone's, don't leave your phone laying on the table, don't leave it up, just like. At least just put it away. I was, I was at a. I remember this is a guy I really liked and I've been trying to have a meeting with this guy for months and finally he gave me the time and we sat down and we just started talking. We're five minutes in, I'm sharing and he pulls his phone out and just starts talking, typing on it, and I was like while you're talking to him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was talking to God.
Speaker 1:He's like yeah, I just got. I just hey, yeah, Okay, I guess, and he takes the phone, lays it down and he picks it up again. And I just got up and I was like hey, man, it's great talking to you, I'll talk to you later, you know.
Speaker 2:Yikes.
Speaker 1:Talk to you later, and so I just left Now. Some people, this is really harsh, but for me it was like this guy doesn't if I sit here for another hour in chair, he's not going to hear a thing, I have to say yeah, and he doesn't want to hear what I have to say, so I'm not going to be here. That's wild and that's probably a little extreme.
Speaker 2:Don't do that with your, because they're not listening to me.
Speaker 1:They're not listening to me, Bah Deuces, but it's almost like you have to. You've got to set some boundaries, set some parameters for when you are communicating when you are talking. You know what does that look like. It's not always easy. Don't have the TV on.
Speaker 2:No, it's not always easy for us to maintain the help me understand posture about communicating, but I feel like if people would do that, or if I mean including us it would change the way we communicate with each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely does.
Speaker 2:It's not like I'm just trying to hear the words you're saying. No, I want to know where those come from and why you feel the way you feel, and even what responsibility do I have in that?
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, it's the curious factor.
Speaker 2:It is Like you've got to be curious, it is.
Speaker 1:So are we to our unpack section.
Speaker 2:We can unpack.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's unpack this bad boy a little bit more. So here's something I know about myself and you may be completely different I feel like I'm way more educated than I am disciplined, like I have a lot of knowledge, like a lot of knowledge. It's putting that knowledge to work Interesting that sometimes I struggle with. So I have to take small little bites, I have to take things in small little. So as we unpack, we're going to do something a little different. Yeah, this time too and this is mainly I don't want to say it's mainly for me, but this is just how I operate.
Speaker 2:And you may be like that's ridiculous. It's very helpful for Greg and people like Greg. Yeah, we, while we were kind of researching and talking, we, after we talked through it, we made a little list of things that we felt like might would be helpful for our listeners, right?
Speaker 1:So we were like hey, unpack, we're going to give you five things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and see if one of these five kind of resonates with you. Well, it ended up being six, but that's okay. Okay, so six out of these six things.
Speaker 1:I thought it would just be five. So if one of these things resonates with you, Now we had a list of 20.
Speaker 2:We did.
Speaker 1:But we're the kind of people if you go to a restaurant and there's 20 pages on the menu.
Speaker 2:I'm just going to be like can I have chicken fingers and fries? Yeah, we get paralyzed.
Speaker 1:So we're trying to go to the bare necessities and go okay, let's find something here and work on it. So we got six.
Speaker 2:So here's the things that we talked about and you can, as I read, if you want, to interject and kind of talk about what we talked about, or I can just go through all of them. We'll just see what happens. Yeah, just go, okay, here we go, the first one, and these are not in any particular order. It's just kind of like these are the finalists of the pageant.
Speaker 1:Number one was listen without judgment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, number two listen to learn, and those might go together.
Speaker 1:They do a little bit. I think the whole idea when we talked about the phrase help me understand is about the curiosity part. It's about learning how they think and feel in that situation ever, who that may be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because if you're not listening to learn and you're not listening without judgment, you're already thinking, like you said a little while ago without judgment. You're already thinking, like you said a little while ago, you're thinking in your head of how can I respond to this? To defend myself or deflect or whatever?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're already trying to figure out how to make your argument to make them feel the way that you feel and think the way that you think.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, so that's not the point. No, pay attention to body language and environment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's back to the phone and how you say it and what you say it like loud, not inflection, so just make sure it's all back to.
Speaker 2:Maybe how my tone sounds when I'm talking about something, and if I change my tone you may not dial into that, but I do so. If that's something that your partner has brought up to you, you should be mindful of it. You don't need to change who you are, obviously, but just be mindful of that.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes you, because you like to say you're dramatic. Like you're being dramatic and I like to say no, I'm just passionate.
Speaker 2:You are being dramatic and I like to say no. I'm just passionate. You are very dramatic and anybody that knows, greg personally will agree with me, and there's only one person that said the word passionate and that's when you stuck to it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 2:Preston said it. I don't think Preston listens, but he's the one that used the word passionate and it's all his fault.
Speaker 1:Dramatic Regardless. Yeah, and sometimes you will be like, hey, you're a little passionate about this, aren't you? Yeah?
Speaker 2:you're a little worked up.
Speaker 1:And so, yeah, I'm like okay, maybe I didn't hear myself or catch myself.
Speaker 2:So next on the list was acknowledge your partner's feelings.
Speaker 1:Okay, which is a—.
Speaker 2:Feels like the whole point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but sometimes in counseling. If you've ever been to counseling, it's like what I hear you saying is and this is how it makes me feel, yeah. So it's almost like those phrases aren't terrible phrases. No, they're not, but it's almost like I want to acknowledge where you're at, because what you're saying is sometimes maybe not what I'm hearing. Yeah, if I'm listening and I'm like okay, so you seem frustrated?
Speaker 2:No, I'm not frustrated. Okay, are you mad? No, I'm not mad, okay.
Speaker 1:So what feeling is it? So it's almost like helping kind of identify where they're at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and sometimes I mean I know you and I have had that literal conversation where you were at and I'm like I don't know what feeling I'm feeling, but here's how I got there and that's helpful. But if you're not acknowledging your partner's feelings, that means you're not listening without judgment and that also means that you're not trying to have empathy towards your partner.
Speaker 1:That's true.
Speaker 2:I mean all of it. Next is don't interrupt to try to control your emotions.
Speaker 1:Yep, and that goes to the whole idea, because if you're interrupting, You're not really listening.
Speaker 2:No, it's like just shut your mouth and let me say what I need to say.
Speaker 1:When you interrupt, it's not being ugly, it's if I don't say these words, I'm going to forget what I'm trying to say Sometimes they're usually not communication, we're just talking about something stupid or something dumb and I'm just like ooh, and I'm just like ooh, and I cause I did that one day and you go, you gave me that. Look like, don't say what you're about to say.
Speaker 2:Cause you were talking and so.
Speaker 1:I didn't. And then you finish, you go, what'd you want to say? And I was like actually I forgot, I don't know what it is.
Speaker 2:Well, we had company the other day too, and you were trying to jump and I finally said, babe, let him finish his story. And you're like, oh okay, like it hadn't even dawned on you because you were so excited with your thoughts. And then I added this at the end is be patient. You have to be patient.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because for each couple to kind of think about discovery, think about a treasure map, like when you're looking for something, you're looking for truth, you're looking for truth, you're looking for your feelings, you're looking for truth, you're looking for these things in these conversations. Sometimes it takes a while to get there, yeah, and you just have to be patient. But here's the thing If you allow people to discover those things for themselves, it is so much more powerful than if I tell you themselves.
Speaker 1:It is so much more powerful than if I tell you Like if you discover for yourself going man, I'm not my body language, my tone is not great. I'm going to be more out to change that next time, versus you having and us having a conversation and go. You're really bad at body language and I'll be like you're just angry. You're just mad, I don't care, you know, it's like yeah, and so it's the discovery part of that and that has to do with anything just with learning and the curiosity part of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there has to be that element of that in in there yeah, because I feel like, through the things that we talked about recording now, as well as when we were talking about beforehand, the the big goal is to to help me understand is to gain empathy for one another.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because, like I said earlier, empathy is not just I'm trying to make you feel what I feel. I just want you to understand how I got there.
Speaker 1:And sometimes that road is very curvy and very long it can be. Yeah, and that's not a bad thing. Yeah, you just have to be willing to go on it and be, patient. So here's one of those out of those six may have been like okay, yeah, I hear you. That is kind of that. I would star that.
Speaker 1:We're going to post this list on our socials, so if you're not following us, make sure you do so you can catch this. And then we're going to share kind of the one that we're struggling with and what we're working with and how we're trying to get past the ones that we're struggling with.
Speaker 2:Because we want to give you things that are actually helpful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Maybe even conversations that we may just jump on and go live and be like we're having a discussion right now.
Speaker 2:I'm here with this, oh no.
Speaker 1:Just take it to the next level of realness.
Speaker 2:But thank you guys for joining us today. Yeah, because this is something like we keep sharing personal stories, like we still work on this. Yeah, we still are working on understanding each other because, like I said earlier, there's never going to be a season in your life that you've already mastered, because you haven't gotten there yet Right, and so trying to understand each other's feelings as you go is going to make it a lot better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so just be patient with each other, just love each other.
Speaker 2:Do something.
Speaker 1:Do something fun together. Enjoy life it's short. Make sure that this is just another one of those tools to stick in the tool bag to go let's try this and see how it works and play around with it, because I mean, we're all different, we all communicate different, we act different, we come from different backgrounds. But that still doesn't mean we can't have great good civil conversations with people to understand, and sometimes when we say help understand where they're coming from, you may not even agree with their mindset or where they're at.
Speaker 2:You don't have to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not about that. Yeah, it's about, if you can understand oh, I understand why you say these things.
Speaker 2:And I'm not trying to change your mind. I just want you to understand me, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think if you approach conversations more that way, you're going to see a lot more growth and healthy growth out of that than you would if you're going trying to prove your point. Plant your flag. I agree so thank you guys for joining, keep sharing, keep liking, follow us on socials. Thank you guys, so much, maybe we'll you know, keep growing and keep expanding and we'll keep doing these podcasts yeah, thank you yeah, catch you guys later. Bye.
