Baggage Claim
Baggage Claim is a space for blended families, marriage, and friendship.
Here, we dive into real-life conversations about the ups and downs of relationships, from navigating second marriages to unpacking the baggage we all bring. Hosted by Greg and Jessica, who both have rich experiences with love, loss, and family, this community is about sharing stories, learning together, and growing stronger as couples and individuals. Grab a drink and join us as we unpack, laugh, and claim our baggage—one conversation at a time
Baggage Claim
The Argument That Wrote This Episode
Ever sit across from your partner during an argument and wonder why the simplest disagreement suddenly feels like World War III? You're not alone. Every couple fights—it's how you fight that makes all the difference between relationship growth and relationship destruction.
When we planned this episode on fighting fair, something ironic happened—we found ourselves in a heated disagreement while preparing our notes. That experience perfectly illustrates what makes conflict so challenging: we approach disagreements with different perspectives, communication styles, and emotional triggers, all shaped by our past experiences. For Greg, growing up in a home with frequent angry outbursts made calm communication a priority, while Jess's experience with conflict avoidance created different challenges.
We've discovered that most couples fight about three main issues: money (differing values and spending habits), communication (misinterpreted messages and unmet expectations), and time together (including intimacy). These friction points reveal our deepest needs and vulnerabilities. Like a football team building its strategy around a quarterback's unique abilities, successful couples learn to work with their natural conflict styles rather than against them.
The guardrails we've developed have transformed how we handle disagreements: looking out for each other's best interests even when emotions run high, never raising our voices, avoiding name-calling, and giving each other space to cool down when needed. These boundaries didn't emerge overnight—they came from painful experiences, honest conversations, and the wisdom of James 1:19: "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger."
Whether you're currently in the middle of a "tiff" or enjoying relational peace, now is the perfect time to establish your own conflict rules. Text us your thoughts using the link in our show description, and remember: healthy conflict, handled with care and respect, actually strengthens your relationship rather than weakens it. The goal isn't to eliminate disagreements—it's to fight in ways that bring understanding rather than division.
Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.
Speaker 2:And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:What's up everybody? Welcome to Baggage Claim. If this is your first time here, welcome If you're a regular visitor of Baggage Claim. Thank you for coming back and listening to us. Baggageclaim is a place where we're hoping to start some conversations and create some community around relationships, marriages and blended families and all the fun stuff that there goes in. So, take a deep breath.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I appreciate that you do the welcome every time, because it makes me nervous to think about doing the welcome myself.
Speaker 1:Well, it's done so you don't even have to worry about it now. Yay, so, wherever you're at, grab your favorite drink, whatever it may be, pull up to our table with us, metaphorically speaking, and just kind of relax and let's get in some fun conversations tonight. Topic, or today's topic, I'm gonna say tonight but, today's topic is one that um, we always like to say that I mean the first rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club right.
Speaker 1:So we're breaking that rule because we're talking about Fight Club tonight. So tonight we're literally talking about fighting. It's that one thing that all couples do, like you do it, some more than others.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Some do it really well and some really suck at it.
Speaker 2:You're going to roll your eyes when I say this, but I Googled synonyms for fight. Here's a few other words that people might use Argue, disagree, tiff, squabble, quarrel, spat, debate, fuss. That's one Tiff.
Speaker 1:I have a tiff.
Speaker 2:I need to. I have a tiff no, but we're in Excuse me. I have a tiff. I have a tiff no, but we're in— Excuse me, I have a tiff. We live in the Southeast United States and the word that a lot of us will use is fuss we're fussing.
Speaker 1:Fussing. I call it intense fellowship, because you're fancy. That's what I call it.
Speaker 2:Let's be transparent. We don't fuss often. No, we don't fuss often no, we don't we.
Speaker 1:Actually this baggage claim started off of an argument, not the actual baggage claim, but the first time we went to go away for the weekend to plan, to strategize kind of what we wanted this to be about.
Speaker 2:We wound up in a horrible argument fight. It was bad. We started fussing.
Speaker 1:I said it we wanted this to be about. We wound up in a horrible argument. We went to the mountains in North Georgia yeah it was bad and we didn't.
Speaker 2:We started fussing and here I go fussing. I said it.
Speaker 1:No, we were fighting. I was mad.
Speaker 2:We started fussing here at home.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Before we even left to go away for the weekend to try to plan this.
Speaker 1:And you're mad. You're standing in this car and going and. I was like we're going to go talk about marriage and fun stuff. Get in the car. I don't even want to go away with you. Yeah, so I wasn't that, but we don't even remember what even started that whole. No, we had a conversation on the way. I was like we have to go go.
Speaker 2:We didn't speak the whole way to where we were going until we got there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then we were like, okay, why were we mad? What were you mad at?
Speaker 2:I don't know but we stayed mad for a good 24 hours after that, and that is not like us. No, it was not 24 hours.
Speaker 1:It literally was not 24 hours. That's how we got there. You thought it was but it wasn't. It felt like it Okay In your heart it was 24 hours. In my heart I was mad for 24 whole hours. Right, well, I mean, there's common. I mean, so we all fight mirrors we can all agree with that Everybody does If you're telling me you don't do that at all and you don't have our, then I'm just saying you're I don't know what you saying. You're a liar or something's broken. That sounds kind of harsh.
Speaker 2:But, um, that sounds kind of harsh. But I mean, if you're not, and you're an ace at it, good for you. Way to go.
Speaker 1:High five, yeah, you can just walk away and go find a really cool station to listen to cool music on right but if not, then you're like the rest of us in the world and let's jump in yeah, because you're a human being and all human beings don't get along all the time so what would you? Um, and I'm not, I don't want to ask you because you have the notes in front of you, but I would just be curious handy dandy notebook before we get started, because I forget this every stinking time.
Speaker 1:Um, on our podcast, there's a place where you can send us a text. So if you're on, uh, spotify apple pockets wherever it is, right under the show there's a there's a, literally a place that says send us a text.
Speaker 2:We just said that together, like it was on purpose.
Speaker 1:Click that, send us a text, get involved, be a part of this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because we want to hear from you because, as we're sitting here in our quote-unquote podcast studio and it's literally the mother-in-law suite off of our home- I'm really still waiting on someone to send me one of those clicker things I know Hadn't happened yet. So you don't have to clap and I'll laugh every time, right? But like it's, you and I and producer Michael, Producer Michael's back this week. So we're talking to all of you, and so we would really like to hear from you Talk back, talk back, talk back to us.
Speaker 1:Let me hear what you got to say. Anyway, hit that text button, Send us a text. So I would love to know, like what we think. I mean, I think we all kind of know what couples fight about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because according to quote unquote no, just life in general.
Speaker 1:Research Quoting to us and research and having friends and having a life. Yeah, we know that most couples fight about money, which seems kind of normal. Yeah, even if you have a lot of it, you sometimes might. If you have a lot of it, it's probably less likely to fight about it.
Speaker 2:I don't know. You might fuss about how much you spend or what you spend it on. That's true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, second one is communication yes, either the like thereof is usually the case. Not that I am worth fighting because you talk, communicate too much. Now husbands may think their wives talk too much, but there's a difference in talking and communication. And then the third one is the time you spend together. Sex. Okay, for guys that's a sex thing, maybe for a girl it's more like I want to go get coffee and go for a walk and let's hold hands.
Speaker 2:Yes, and me, I'm just like oh, hey, okay sorry, we'll have that description later. It's a different podcast.
Speaker 1:Oh, is it? Anyway, anyway, that's about it, that's about it. So anyway those are the three. How did you get back on track, man? My mind just went to a bad place.
Speaker 2:Of course it did so when you and I were planning this episode, we were talking about, like, how to fight fair.
Speaker 1:And you know there's pluses and minuses with every couple. Can we be honest and say we got into a? Maybe butting heads fighting was probably not the correct word we actually did butt heads while we were planning this this was about fighting yeah, how to fight and how are we fighting? Why are we fighting?
Speaker 2:and we were we had up in a really intense fellowship session over this yeah, we had two very different point of views, but leading up to our point of views once we finally figured it I once I finally figured it out. Thank you, you had a. You really had a really good analogy about a football team.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, we we love, and in the Peck household we absolutely love football. But we love, in the Peck household we absolutely love football.
Speaker 2:That was one of the like how many things stipulations when we started dating.
Speaker 1:I had three when we started dating and I was like okay, I really like this girl. Yeah, I think my questions were do you like football?
Speaker 2:I already had season tickets. You said I have season tickets to the Georgia Bulldogs. I grew up going and watching. Okay, I'll get you. I grew up going and watching football. I can speak football.
Speaker 1:Two are you okay if I drink beer?
Speaker 2:And you were like yeah, but I don't drink and you said, as long as you don't drink excessively. Yeah, in moderation I'm cool.
Speaker 1:Right. And I was like, if it's not doing football, fine, I'm just kidding Anyway. And the third one was do you want to have kids? Those were my three.
Speaker 2:I tricked you on the last one. Yeah, I still didn't get to have kids with you, but I tricked you on that one yeah you tried to.
Speaker 1:So you were like, yeah, I'm good with all those. I was like, dude, this is move forward.
Speaker 2:This is game on, so, game on so anyway, love football.
Speaker 1:Good Lord, that was totally. I'm sorry for chasing that around.
Speaker 2:Did you forget about that?
Speaker 1:Yes, so we're huge on football, love football in our family. Saturdays are fun times around our house. It's game day Daylight till dark All day, yes, and so I said you make the analogy like, as a couple, you're probably really good at one. If you're really really good, you're maybe good at two of these.
Speaker 2:Right, but talk about the football.
Speaker 1:If you're not, I don't, I am, if you're not, you're probably bad. So the analogy is Would you slow down?
Speaker 2:I'm trying to communicate here. I want you to talk about the football analogy first. I'm getting there.
Speaker 1:Are we having a quarrel session right now? When you have us, are we busting Bust? So in the as we're talking about as a quarterback, you either sometimes have a really good pocket passer yes, who's good to sit in the pocket and can hit anything downfield. Wide receivers, tight ends yes, all that fun stuff. Or you have a quarterback who is usually a runner Runner. Usually more of a runner than he is, and so sorry. Producer Michael is drawing pictures for me to look at.
Speaker 2:Okay, for those of you that know us personally, producer Michael is sitting across the room and he has a whiteboard that I brought from my classroom and he has a marker and an eraser that I brought from our classroom and sometimes he'll write notes of like hey, you're 28 minutes in. Or sometimes he'll write just like other things, like she just said. But then, like right now, you don't Pick up your mic, you don't have to call me out on this one thing that I write.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'll let it slide this time.
Speaker 2:Today's our first day with producer Michael having his own mic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we got him an own mic.
Speaker 2:So he just wrote a note for what?
Speaker 1:Yeah me, I got in trouble, Sorry. So anyway, back to the analogy with football. So either you have a really good pocket passer and if you do, you create a team, an offense around that helps support that pocket passer.
Speaker 2:Girls, just stay with them. If you don't speak football, just stick with us. Good tight ends, wide receivers you have a good offensive line.
Speaker 1:You've got great tacklers. It's a big deal to work. If you have a runner, you build an offensive team around that quarterback, built for those things. You run plays, you run all those things. So the same thing is true in a marriage. If you're really good at one of those. Then you build and you fill in for the areas and you try to figure out what are we good at, what are we not good at? How?
Speaker 2:proud were you in the moment when I could be like, yes, I totally get your football analogy? You did.
Speaker 1:And I know probably the large listening audience of us is female.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And if you don't love football, I'm sorry. I'm sorry too, but when my friend Lisa listens to this one, she's going to get it.
Speaker 1:Right, so figure out what you're good at.
Speaker 2:Yeah and it's okay, I can say out loud the things I'm not good at, and then that helps us move forward, and that's the same for you. If you can identify the things that you're not good at, then we can move forward, and that's the same for you. If you can identify the things that you're not good at, then we can move forward. But to be in denial about the things that you're not good at, I feel like, is a lot of the area where fights and fuzzes can happen.
Speaker 1:You're right, because a lot of times we don't say the things that we're thinking or the things that are, and so it creates like we had an issue early on in our marriage. Money was and it wasn't. It wasn't really money. I was doing all of the accounting hoopla, the unfund things, paying bills. Well, you and the Amazon driver were on first name basis.
Speaker 2:We were besties.
Speaker 1:Yes, they were dropping boxes, like the thing that they put on your porch. Okay, where you literally zip it up.
Speaker 2:You said when we first got married. This was two. Christmases ago, what you're referring to?
Speaker 1:The dude dropped off a box on our front porch that he could put packages in that was waterproof.
Speaker 2:It was their own Amazon warehouse situation that they don't drop off at houses. But we had one on our front porch that he could just be like. I'm just going to refill this when I come back tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Hey, welcome, I have a problem. Well, you know, but anyway so we had to have having those discussions, communicating about that was we had to do it in a very healthy way.
Speaker 2:When we first got married, we viewed money very differently.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:Like when I was a single mom, I had my own free reign and I could do my own thing. And then you, as a single dad, you viewed money differently as far as, like a business point of view, because that's where you came from.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And I? I did not, and so we viewed not the value of money but um the importance of money, future building, yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know what word.
Speaker 2:That's a different thing Anyway.
Speaker 1:But it was good for us to at least have that conversation, and we always refer to money as a relationship. Yeah, what's your relationship with money Is?
Speaker 2:it a good one Healthy one?
Speaker 1:Is it unhealthy? Is it like? What's the relationship like? So we talked through all those things because we knew what we were good at, what we were not good at.
Speaker 2:Yes, thank you for circling back on that so likely. For the most part fusses, fights, disagreements, whatever you want to label it they come from unmet expectations and most of the time, unmet expectations come from a lack of communication.
Speaker 1:Right, a hundred percent. And then when you fight usually when you're fighting it's like I've been done wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I want to. I want to win. I want to prove myself that that I'm right and you did me wrong, like that's. I need to be vindicated. I want to prove myself that that I'm right and you did me wrong, like that's.
Speaker 2:I need to be vindicated, I need to be, I need to feel like I was right in this Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so when we were even having this discussion, though, we started butting heads over the whole idea, because I was looking at the root. We're looking at fights. I was looking at the root cause of like, why are you even fighting in the first place? Because that's the way I look at everything. I'm like everything has a root to it. So I'm pulling and pulling and pulling, looking for where did this start, where's the beginning of this? And you were looking at it, I'm a silver lining girl.
Speaker 2:Completely different and my viewpoint that we've talked about multiple times on the podcast. My viewpoint is I see the best in things, I see the good, I need to see the positivity part and so in my worldview, my perspective of, like, I'm going to do the things I can as I go throughout my day, my life, whatever, to make sure that we don't hit those speed bumps, we don't hit those roadblocks of places where we could disagree.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you also hate conflict. I do. You don't like conflict at all, not at all. And so you'll do anything to avoid it.
Speaker 2:I will, and that's good and bad.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, I'm not saying, if you're around, someone who loves conflict. There's a problem there too, yeah they're probably either an MMA fighter or they have some issues. Yeah, not slamming on MMA fighters. I've got some friends who are, but it's at the same time.
Speaker 2:it's like no one loves conflict, no one loves fighting uh, you're usually trying to figure out and you the way you're wired. Um, you don't love conflict, but you love the, the, the places where you get to explore the, the why and the. You know what led you to where you're at.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But then sometimes that's the gray area that makes me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:Yes, and so it's trying to figure, yeah, trying to balance all that and figure it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so when we were having this discussion, we were back and forth on.
Speaker 2:And we were quiet for a long time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this was probably one of the hardest podcast prep times we've had long time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this was probably one of the hardest podcast prep times we've had. I feel like it probably was the hardest ones because of our different viewpoints and I don't remember what got us to that part where we were like okay, we're looking. I think I said that, that we're looking at this in two different ways.
Speaker 1:Well, we were all over the place.
Speaker 2:Like we just couldn't get our head around it.
Speaker 1:And so I called a great friend of mine. I love dearly Mason.
Speaker 2:He's the one I talked about that did that really cool quote from when he was at West.
Speaker 1:Point we hadn't done that yet I really did actually. We did during the practice, did we?
Speaker 2:say it out loud here no, not yet. Oh, cool, okay, well, go ahead and do that.
Speaker 1:Anyway, mason, we kind of shared where we were going, where we were at, what was going on, and he just—it was really cool, he kind of—he didn't say anything we hadn't said, but it really helped us go okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, we see it now.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I apologize for feeling like we had already said this, but what he did say is nonetheless important, whether we said it out loud yet or not, but he said one of the biggest quotes that he can remember from when he was at his time at West Point was from General Schwarzkopf the more you sweat in peacetime, the less you bleed in wartime.
Speaker 1:So the more you sweat during sex, the less you bleed during fights, right.
Speaker 2:No, I mean that's during fights, right? No, isn't that the I?
Speaker 1:mean, that's not the. I'm sorry, I apologize. I mean I didn't mean to. I get what you're saying. The whole idea is that if we're being proactive.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're working during the peacetime and you're working on where you're going, your face, I can't get over your cheesy grin.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I have a stupid grin on my face.
Speaker 2:I apologize, but it helps if you work all along instead of just idling and coasting, and you work on communicating. There's a lot of like quote unquote battles that you will avoid.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, of course.
Speaker 2:And there's a lot of things you can take into perspective when you are going through relationships together.
Speaker 1:I mean Well, these are great things to have. These are great talking points. Yeah, if you're like, I don't know what we can talk about when we go to dinner, all we talk about is the kids.
Speaker 1:Or this or that the other work, or here's some things to talk about. What was it like in your house when you were growing up? Did you guys fight? Did your family fight in front of you? Did you did? Did people raise their voice? Like what? What was that like? Like, allow each other the opportunity, because those things 100% affect the way that you deal and you deal with conflict in the way you fight in your relationship. Now, yeah. Those things happen and.
Speaker 2:I can say with 100% transparency that even this, many years later, we still are learning about one another. I mean, there's still stuff that comes up in conversation was like, oh my gosh, you never told me that before Just about what we experienced as we were growing up. So it's important to take those things into account as a couple as you go. Like you've got different personality types, you've got different temperaments, you've got different love languages. You've got, you know, like you said, the house you grew up in. And even if you go all, however many years you've been together, you go back to how did you envision marriage in the first place? Like, are you hanging on to that? And it's not what you thought it might be. So the root of some of your intense fellowships comes from that and you might not realize it.
Speaker 1:Right, and so it's just having this simple discussion and maybe asking those simple questions like what do you expect out of marriage? What do you expect out of me? What do you expect out of our money? How do you see money, all those things Like time together, like how do you, what do you expect? Like what do you want time-wise?
Speaker 2:Like for real, be honest.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and those are. I mean, those are really really deep questions that you can get into, like, for me, fighting was that's just a thing at our house. It wasn't my mom, this is my dad. He just couldn't control himself. Yeah, um, but there was lots of yelling, screaming. It was very, uh, violent. It's just sometimes it was violent at times, um, but for me it was nothing.
Speaker 2:It was not that like I did. I don't have vivid memories of my parents like communicating about things in front of me. Like my dad had a wacky work schedule. He worked most of the time nights while I was growing up, but what I do remember it was like talks about like money or things like that, and it was not a comfortable thing and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and they did not communicate with just the two of them a whole lot in front of me and my cousins, and so I didn't really know what that really looked like, right, um, but and so for me, like it just came to the, it just made me think about it the other day, and I don't think I've shared this with you we were, we went to the Braves game, part of Jess's birthday week yay celebration.
Speaker 1:well, afterwards there was some guys in uh, we were were at the Yard House and we were hanging out, oh gosh, and there were some guys—.
Speaker 2:Such a disaster.
Speaker 1:No, it was not. We were at—you see it that way. Here's the difference right here. Okay, we're at Yard House and these guys over there and they had had too much to drink and they were being loud and they were just yelling and they were trying to have fun, and then they just took it too far. Next thing, you know, this one guy's shirt's completely unbuttoned. They're arm wrestling, knocking chairs over.
Speaker 2:One fella fell out of his chair all the way to the ground he did. I thought it was hilarious. I thought it was funny, but me and my friend— Of course I wasn't sitting next to them either.
Speaker 1:But me and my friend am she and I were, we were nervous, miranda was nervous, our daughter-in-law, we were just like oh my gosh and I was intrigued.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you and thomas were zoned in like what's about to happen?
Speaker 1:and so the guy you know cop, comes in, tells him to leave, the guy starts screaming. One guy starts screaming and yelling and he goes outside and he's storming around just to talk and miranda's like that makes me so nervous, I've never seen seen that before. And I was like what? I was like you've never seen that before and she's like no, and I'm like bro, that's nothing Like. It just reminded me like I grew up where that was absolutely nothing Like. You just ignored that. So we all that to say. We all have different stories, we all come from different places and those places have everything to do with how we act emotionally, mentally, physically in these situations. And fighting usually is a heightened sense of emotions, all those things that go into it. So if you're not aware of those, you can make some really bad decisions.
Speaker 2:You can. There's a verse in James it's chapter 1, verse 19 that says Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. There's a verse in James it's chapter 1, verse 19 that says Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.
Speaker 1:Yeah, some of those are hard for me. A few of those things are hard for me to do.
Speaker 2:I know which one is hard for you Slow to speak.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you are a good listener.
Speaker 1:I'm full of opinions.
Speaker 2:Well, you are full of opinions, but it's not out of disrespect. Your brain works on an ADD level of if I don't say what I have to say right away, I'm going to forget my point.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But when I'm on the receiving end of that, it feels like interruption. If I don't just remember, that's like how your brain actually functions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's something I'm working on.
Speaker 2:But it's okay that that's how you work.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm working on it and I was going to say something the other day and I caught myself and at the end of it, you go what were you going to say? I caught myself and at the end of it, you go what were you going to say? And it's like I don't know. I remember I have no idea, I forgot.
Speaker 2:And for me I'm not quick to speak, I am a good listener and I'm good at being slow to anger, but then the face you're making it takes me a minute to process, so I'm not going to be quick to speak Like there's pieces and parts of that that you can pick apart that are strengths and weaknesses for each other, just like where there's holes way back to your football analogy there's holes in that.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so that's what really helped us develop some guard wear Guard, wear Guard.
Speaker 1:Maybe rails, rails, okay, that sounds. I mean guard wear could work. Guard wear, wouldn't those be pads?
Speaker 2:It could be Like shoulder pads, shoulder pads yeah, I would love to wear a pair of shoulder pads one time and just lower my shoulder, and just not you To me.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, no, man, you looked at me when you said that. Just lower my shoulder.
Speaker 2:I mean, I'll lower my shoulder, michael, maybe. Why are you so angry at Michael?
Speaker 1:He didn't do anything that I do.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's a great question. What did Michael do?
Speaker 2:Obviously, I've never played football. I've never played football.
Speaker 1:I've played flag football a million times hitting is the best part I was just about to say how much fun so fun until you get laid out and you're like then it changes things yeah, then you're like whoa, why are there things flashing like there's?
Speaker 2:lots of flashing things. I just feel like if I could just wear all the pads one time that's fun it hurts sometimes, but it's fun. I feel like that would be so fun Anyway.
Speaker 1:The whole idea. I mean honestly, I mean all of this with fighting. We keep going back to communication and talk about it and where you come from asking those questions. Yeah, like on your day. It's the same analogy, and I'm just full of analogies tonight.
Speaker 2:I'm so proud of you. You're so poetic, honey.
Speaker 1:There's the sarcasm drips from the microphone. The communication aspect of not having these conversations before and then just blowing up is about the same as walking into a restaurant sitting at the table. When the server comes up, you just look at them and make eye contact.
Speaker 2:You expect them to know already what you want.
Speaker 1:Right, you would say Greg, that's ridiculous, that's foolish.
Speaker 2:But it's so not if you really think about it.
Speaker 1:But we operate that way in our relationships all the time.
Speaker 2:I'm supposed to be able to walk into the room and you're supposed to be able to read my facial expressions and my body language and know exactly what I'm feeling. Sometimes I can. It's weird, but I'm just kidding, I don't.
Speaker 1:If you think you can understand a woman, bro, get you a podcast, write a book. You're about to be filthy rich. So I'm just saying we're, we're all complicated, we're all um, but it's just Women are not the only ones that are complicated.
Speaker 2:Guys try to feel like oh, we're so simple.
Speaker 1:Uh, we are.
Speaker 2:But you're not.
Speaker 1:Oh, we are no you're not. No, you're not. Nope, that's a different podcast. Nope, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2:Okay, let's go through some rules the guardrails that we talked about, that we actually do have for our marriage. Yes, look out for the best interest of each other.
Speaker 1:Correct. What does that mean though?
Speaker 2:That's hard, though sometimes, when I feel like I'm right and you feel like you're right, it's so difficult to make sure it's like I need to feel, like I can understand why you think you're right.
Speaker 1:But you know what's weird, though, sometimes in an argument, like we get into it and we're like neck deep into this argument. Like it's not we hadn't just started. We've been into it Like we're back and forth, or you know, we're volleying back and forth like this, comments and things, and then it comes down to like there's a part of this has happened, okay.
Speaker 2:Umbrella protection. I'm going with you.
Speaker 1:So there's times where I'm just like you have a force field. Crap. I think she's right and I'm wrong, but then I want to argue my point anyway, just so I can feel like and sometimes I just catch myself trying to argue my point which I don't even believe. Sometimes I don't even think if I know it's right, but I'm still going to stick to my point, and I don't understand why I do that, other than just pride.
Speaker 2:You're so cute.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just being honest and so I mean so it's almost like when you're looking out for the best.
Speaker 2:Would you? Okay, here's a good question. Do you think that you are more quick to be like okay, you're right, I'm wrong. Or if I'm more quick to be, you're right, you're wrong?
Speaker 1:I'm wrong Me.
Speaker 2:Do you think that?
Speaker 1:Because I analyze faster and quicker. You do and it runs through my whole and you're over there. You're still in emotions, you're about to cry, which is going to mess with my working through emotions, because when you start crying, all that just goes out the window and I can't focus. I only cry when I'm really mad, though yeah, I know, I know that, I'm well aware, I'm well aware, and I don't like it, okay.
Speaker 2:So, so, and I don't like it.
Speaker 1:Okay so and I don't say it in an arrogant way, I just think it's a.
Speaker 2:No, I don't think that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we know each other and how each other works really well at this point.
Speaker 1:Which also can be a bad thing, because when you do that and you're not looking out for the interest of someone else, you know what buttons to push, you know which levers to pull.
Speaker 2:Well, that's a whole different conversation of using that as a weapon.
Speaker 1:Well, that's one of the rules.
Speaker 2:Oh, gosh and okay. Another rule that we have set I mean, this is from the get-go no yelling. We literally have never, ever, ever raised our voices at each other, and we've never raised our voices at our children either.
Speaker 1:No, because I think if for me, if I'm doing that, I am making decisions out of emotion. Yes, and I am not going to be.
Speaker 2:That doesn't feel intelligent.
Speaker 1:to me it's like if I can just scream the loudest, then I'm going to get the most attention.
Speaker 2:And intelligent. That's a good word, and so I'm like I don't.
Speaker 1:We had one time our kids Right when we did this. This is in the beginning. I was in the dining room. This is our very first house we had together, all of us together.
Speaker 2:I thought you were about to talk about the Disney experience, the Orlando experience, disney experience, the.
Speaker 1:Orlando experience. I'm trying to drag my skeletons out, aren't you? But anyway, it was.
Speaker 2:We were in the, Jess was in the other room in the kitchen doing something, I was in the living room at a table and Thomas was raising his voice, yelling at you gotten some emails from a couple of teachers and got a couple of like posts, I guess, from the online report card system and they were not so great reports and I was talking to him, just like I'm saying right now, and showing him it was either on the computer or on my phone, and showing him it was either on the computer or on my phone, like okay, talk to me about this, talk to me about this. I was just asking some questions.
Speaker 1:And his defense is where you're talking about. And so, thomas, when he was younger, his defense mechanism, when he was always wrong and he knew it yeah, we brought this to attention later he would raise his voice and get really loud and really angry when he knew he was wrong.
Speaker 2:And very, very defensive and just mean.
Speaker 1:And so he was screaming and yelling to the top of his lungs.
Speaker 2:Really close to my face.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I remember walking in there and it was instinctive, like I didn't even think about it, and I got.
Speaker 2:You put yourself in between us. Yes. And I got right in Thomas's face and I remember saying— you backed him up against the counter on the other side of the room and he was probably what 15, 14, something like that Taller than me, already bigger than me, which I feel like was part of his trying to be the dominant figure too.
Speaker 1:Maybe. But then I was like, if you want to yell at someone, yell at me. Don't you ever talk to your mom?
Speaker 2:yeah, it was like you're not talking to your mom, you're not talking to my wife that way. So yeah, the the phrase is doing that anymore the phrase that sticks in Thomas's head still to this day is nobody talks to my wife like that. I don't care if she's your mother or not, it was just I don't. I don't like yelling, because I grew up around a lot of screaming and yelling and it's just.
Speaker 1:it's one of those things like we can have conversations, intelligent conversations. Share our emotions, share our feelings, if we can't take a walk.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Cool off, come back and let's share.
Speaker 2:And we're not saying we're so perfect and we don't fuzz or fight or whatever. Because in that same house where we first lived and we all got together, there were several times where you would put on your weighted backpack and you'd go walk the loop around our neighborhood so that we could have an intelligent, not quite so emotional conversation.
Speaker 1:Maybe some constructive conversation.
Speaker 2:Constructive is a way, better say but you know? But that all goes back to that house. You grew up in some things that you need to take into consideration.
Speaker 1:Because when you start yelling, the next thing that happens you always. When you raise your voice, you start yelling. Next thing that happens is you start name calling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a no-go. You start trying to call names. So we're like we're not going to do that, we're not doing that, you're not going to call the other person. Because when you go from the yelling to the name calling, things get physical, and that doesn't always mean putting your hands on one another.
Speaker 1:They could be throwing things, no one should be putting their hands on anyone else in a marriage. If someone's putting their hands on you and you're out there, call Get help.
Speaker 2:Text us literally. Don't stay in that We'll figure out how to get you some help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's a terrible place to be. It is. But like, if you're in an argument, you're yelling, you start calling names. Then you naturally are going If you want to win. You're like I're going to start hurling insults, personal insults at them. You're going to start calling them and I'm telling you, my dad was the worst at this. There's not a name you could come up with that haven't been called by him, and then usually he was drunk or hungover and then the next day he'd be like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:That's the thing I was about to say.
Speaker 1:And I always hated that. So I always told my kids when my kids would, they bought me a t-shirt and said I was like don't be sorry, be different. Yeah, because I was like I don't care if you just say I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:The front of it said don't be sorry.
Speaker 1:And the back said be different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was just like don't tell me you're An adult loses control in the escalation thing that we were just talking about. It's like, oh, we're going to go to sleep and then tomorrow we're going to just be like nothing ever happened.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, sorry, that's not how it works. You don't get that Nobody said mean words to someone else, that you call someone else names, if you're. If you're a, I may catch crap for this, but if you're, if you're in a fight and you're throwing things and punching walls, that's the behavior of a five-year-old, like that's. That's, that is, stop and figure out where. Why are you? Why are you at that point where you need to throw something or punch something? Why do you?
Speaker 2:feel the need to be so like right quote unquote in that situation where you can't listen to the other side and you're going to literally pitch a fit so that you can get your point across. That doesn't make any sense at all.
Speaker 1:Because if you're doing that, you got some anger, some pent-up anger that's down in there that this is a way for it to come out and that is not healthy. I'm sorry, it's just, there's a lot better ways to do that. Don't be throwing things, and I'm not saying in the fact of you feel like you're something bigger, like I mean, yeah, I spent a lot of time in my life Not a lot of time, probably three to four years of my life doing karate, did some kickboxing, loved it. I loved fighting. Fighting was life. Uh, doing karate, did some kickboxing, loved it. I loved fighting. Fighting was fun. Like physical fighting was fun for me. It was too fun for me. That's why I had to get out of it, because it wasn't healthy for me. I really enjoyed the fight part yeah, um but I enjoyed the challenge.
Speaker 1:but the idea was is that I don't? I don't need to throw anything or hit somebody, even when I'm angry, that just this doesn't make sense? I was like, if you're threatened, like if someone's threatening you, like that's a different story. That's not it. We're talking about your significant other.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Your partner that you're having a conversation with. There should be no reason. People are throwing and hitting things.
Speaker 2:That's what I wanted. I want to loop back to like the synonyms. I know, as cheesy as you think it is, we've used the word fight a lot and it doesn't mean physical. That's a different level and that's something else that we're not talking about right now, because that's a different level that involves other people, other than podcasts. If that's where you're at, you need to get some seek, some help, because there's people that can help you. But I feel like, if we go back to the original purpose of what we were talking about, of you know, if you're disagreeing with one another, the very basic building block of your relationship should be the ability to listen to one another. Learn how to communicate in a way where your partner can listen to you and understand what you're trying to get at.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:And a big part of that is don't interrupt each other, and then it might take. I mean, you and I are a good example. It might take me a minute to get where I'm going and even if you feel like you need to say something or whatever, just don't interrupt each other, because that makes that other person feel like it's not you know. Her or his feelings are not valued, and then that's where some fusses might come from. So you know, that's a big thing to keep in mind too.
Speaker 1:So, as we wrap it up, remember those three things money, communication, how we spend time together. Those are the three things that most couples are fighting about. Figure which ones you you're good at, which ones you're lacking out. Figure out a plan to how do we communicate, how do we close the gaps on those, to be better at those situations, sharing our expectations for all of those, and let's figure out how to move forward in a good, healthy way. Sit down after you figure that out. Yeah, next step write down some rules for your fights.
Speaker 2:What are the? Rules that we're going to both talk about, agree upon and then do and be patient with one another while you figure that out, because you're all working toward the betterment of your relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is an ongoing conversation. You're probably not going to finish this in one sitting.
Speaker 2:You may, you shouldn't, because as you go through seasons it's going to change.
Speaker 1:Yeah and whatever season you're in you're going to have. I mean, there's fights are different for different seasons around different things.
Speaker 2:So we know this unpacked portion has been different because we've kind of unpacked as we've gone through Correct. But it's impossible to not do that when you're talking about how to fight fair and how to work towards the same goal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so thank you guys for joining tonight. Mm-hmm, keep your guard up, have fun. I don't know. I was holding my fist up, like you guys could see in a podcast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when we paused this in, that's what we did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're trying to make fight motions.
Speaker 2:It's okay.
Speaker 1:Hey, thanks for joining us, thank you Be sure to like subscribe share.
Speaker 2:Thanks for pulling up to the table while we talked about fighting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, go fight fair, see you guys.
