Baggage Claim

Marriage Dashboard: When the Warning Lights Start to Blink

• Greg and Jess • Season 1 • Episode 32

Share episode

Send us a text

The quiet warning lights in a marriage don’t blare—they blink. A missed look, a week of logistics-only chats, a date night postponed again. We sat down with our friend Mason for a real guys’ night to unpack how those signals show up during the foggy years of parenting, foster care, and busy careers—and how to act before the relationship stalls.

We start with the messy middle: long days, short years, and the temptation to live in triage where the loudest task wins. From there, we map practical habits that rebuild connection without drama. Date nights as a standing promise, not a luxury. An annual, kid-free trip where the long drive refreshes the deepest conversations. And a simple rule for better time together: for the first twenty minutes, no kid talk—only questions that open a window into who your partner is becoming.

Love languages become a game-changer, especially when stress pushes us to give love the way we like to receive it. Words of affirmation won’t land if your spouse is begging for acts of service; gifts won’t connect if quality time is starving. We share how to track hints in your notes app, put reminders on the calendar, and build small acts into your weekly rhythm so thoughtfulness scales. The theme is intentionality over intensity—less grand gestures, more repeatable patterns.

We also talk margin, identity, and honest priorities. If networking gets instant yeses and your date night struggles to land on the calendar, it’s not a time problem—it’s a value problem. Take a solo hour to ask who you’re becoming, what you’re building, and whether your schedule and spending prove it. Work backward from the future you actually want—what your spouse and kids might say about you someday—and make present-tense choices that earn those words.

If the dashboard is blinking—more silence, fewer laughs, not enough eye contact—downshift now. Start with one small change this week: a walk without phones, a five-minute nightly check-in, or a planned sitter night on repeat. Then tell us your favorite way to reconnect. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a nudge, and leave a review with the “warning light” you’re watching for. Your story might be the reminder someone else needs.

SPEAKER_06:

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_06:

Welcome to Baggage Claim, everybody. If this is your first time here, thank you so much for joining and listening in. If you're if you've been listening to us and hanging with us, uh thanks for coming back. Um tonight is kind of a different night. Uh, but before we get into that, uh, wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, uh maybe if you're at a place where you can grab your favorite drink and pull up to the table uh with us as we jump into some really fun discussion tonight, because it is different. Um Jess is in the bed asleep right now, if that tells you anything. She is sound asleep, sound machine on, lights out. Um so we this is a guy's night tonight. So um she's out, and uh so we have some guys in. But wherever you're at, grab your favorite drink, pull up to the table, and uh welcome our guest tonight, which I'm really excited about, is Mason Rosel. And so Mason and I have been friends for uh how many years now? How long has it been?

SPEAKER_02:

Like I was talking to my kids about that actually before I came up here, and my oldest is nine, and it's longer than that. So 10, 11 years.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, it's probably been on 10 or 11. We met on a retreat, uh a youth like youth workers retreat. We were we were just working in student ministry or next gen or whatever you call it.

SPEAKER_02:

High school small group leaders.

SPEAKER_06:

There you go. That's exactly right. And so we went to a retreat, we met each other, and we hit it off, and we've been friends ever since. Yeah. And so our families have been connected. So um, Mason, tell us a little bit about yourself. Tell like wife, kids, yeah, that that kind of the fun fun details.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So I I joke with friends that that I am in the the fog of war season of parenting right now. And so um I've been married to my beautiful wife, Brandy, for 12 years. Uh, we've got four kids, uh nine, six, three, and one, two boys and two girls. Um yeah, it is fun and it's crazy. I've heard people say that this is a season where the days are long, but the years are short.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I haven't seen the years are short part. I'm just in the days, days are long.

SPEAKER_06:

It is kind of crazy. It feels like you're like, we're never gonna get through this. Like it's just uh it's like groundhog days sometimes.

SPEAKER_02:

Just my wife Brandy has said that literally this week, Greg.

SPEAKER_06:

It's just like you get up and you do it over and over and over again it's like the movie and Bill Murray wakes up and just smashes the alarm clock.

SPEAKER_02:

Some days getting the kids out of the house feels like that.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um but yeah, we've got four kids, two boys and two girls. Um it's it's really cool, just kind of how um, you know, the Lord has plans that are different than ours sometimes. And and we um we're foster parents, and so that's kind of a unique spin on our combination of kids. And so our oldest two are uh biological. Um, our third, we fostered and then adopted him, and which is adorable. He is he is sweet um and awesome and crazy as a three-year-old. Um, and then our youngest, we just started fostering about um two months ago. So, you know, figuring out what four looks like and uh definitely gives me a lot more respect for you and Jess of making four look easy.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, four, four is like a um what's crazy though is that as they get older, when those four start bringing their friends over, it like multiplies fast. Yeah. You like lose control really, really quick. And you're like, hold on, wait a minute. We're outnumbered here, way, way outnumbered. So that's cool, man. Like it's a and also too, uh call your just did it, she just had one of you, your little girl had a uh kind of a fundraiser thing where she got to we bought some cookies, we sampled some of the four, which were amazing good cookies.

SPEAKER_02:

So she yeah, so she's she's flinging chocolate chip cookies now at nine years old.

SPEAKER_06:

To raise money for her school. Yeah, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so she's having fun with that, and uh, we're having fun, you know, helping her learn and understand business and and kind of figuring it that out as well. So yeah. That's funny. Fun, fun season of parenting.

SPEAKER_06:

It is. So, Brandy, does she she like what does she do for work? Is it just take care of the household?

SPEAKER_02:

Or does she I'm not she she yeah, she's my better half in every sense of the word. I I joke that she's got all the skill sets and I'm in sales for work, and so I just get paid to talk to people. Right. Um, but she's a graphic designer and really kind of all things creative. Um she does a really, really good job of that. But right now she's doing um a phenomenal job, you know, raising the kids, being an amazing wife. And uh yeah, I'm just doing my best to kind of keep up and not be the weak chain in the or weak link in the chain.

SPEAKER_06:

And she always has her hands in all kinds of things, it's never just one thing. Like she's like, oh yeah, I was doing this, or I was doing that. I think last time we were down there, she was like, Oh yeah, I'm doing these other two part-time jobs on the on online. And I was like, What when? Like when do you do that? I so like I said, I'm I'm just trying to keep up, man. Yeah, I agree. Jess is the better of us. Yeah. She's definitely the smarter one.

SPEAKER_02:

So we both married up and out of our league for sure.

SPEAKER_06:

That is true. For sure. And so it's funny you talk about you you the the fog of things. I was literally having a conversation with Michael, um, our producer, just tonight, and I was like, bro, I had a weird moment this week. Um I was like, and it had to do with lunchables. And he's like, what? And I was like, I was at Kroger. Expired in a weird moment. You're like, well, I went to the old Kroger where we used to shop all the time. Like we were in the thick of it. Four, and so we would sneak off and have a date afternoon, and we would sit at the Starbucks and we'd have coffee. I was like, I went in and I just I don't know what it was, but I had this nostalgic moment. And I just sit at the table where Jess and I used to have coffee, and I was just sitting there and I was like, man, I I kind of me I really miss this. But I was like, but I I don't. Like, we're different. And so I get up and I was like, I gotta, I gotta shop. And so I go shopping, and then I'm I'm getting groceries and and and I stop in front of the lunchables. And I'm just standing there staring at them, going, and I know people probably thought I was crazy because I'm just sitting there looking at them and I was like, this was a weekly discussion for Jess and I because we have four kids and they always wanted lunchables. Three of them did, Callie did not. Um, and they were so expensive. So we're like, we're not gonna buy them this. We'll just make them their own. And we would have this discussion every week, and I was like, I don't know the last time Jess and I've talked about lunchables. I was like, I can't remember when that is, but I was like, that time went by so fast. And I look at it and I was like, we're different people now. Like we we don't have those same conversations, we don't have those same struggles or hurts. They're different. And but at the same time, it's like just life moves and we change. We become different people. We become not in a bad way, we just evolve. You know, you got four kids, you are in the fog of war. Like you're you're at it. I mean, when you get up in the morning, it's go time. Yeah, kids getting dressed, going to school.

SPEAKER_02:

So yeah, sometimes in the morning they come to you before you're ready for the morning, too, which is always interesting. Um I don't know how you and Jess are, but like uh for Brandy and I, like she's a morning person. She's up in the morning, like at the gym. She knows that she's got to have that like time herself to make sure that she's you know figuring out. But it's weird, you know. I feel like I'm I'm getting up earlier and earlier just to like kind of make sure that I'm starting not up against the ropes. Right.

SPEAKER_06:

So it's like I get my feet under me before we start. Exactly. Jess gets frustrated to me because when the alarm goes off, I get out of bed and I'm like, whoo, let's do it. Let's attack this day. And she's not, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02:

I want to be like you when I grow up. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_06:

It's like I'm gonna have coffee and I don't want to talk.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm more like her.

SPEAKER_06:

I don't know how that uh how it got that way. But uh so tonight I want us to to talk about something that we as men, I don't know how many men we have. I know we have some that listen to the podcast, um, but we're not talking about guns or war or any fun things. We can. I mean I mean, yeah, we may get there. Uh we may get there to something really cool at uh at some time. But in relationships and a marriage, like we're fixers. So anytime the wife comes to us, we're like, oh, we want to fix that. We always want to fix. And sometimes it's it's not meant for us to fix, sometimes it is. But I want us to be to talk about and think about being proactive in um our relationships. And you and I were talking back and forth and texting about I was like, kind of think of it as a sense, I think of it in the sense of um Jess or I one of them called them the emojis that pop up on your dash when they light up. She's like, oh, look, the engine emoji is on. Yeah. Uh what does that mean? I was like, it's usually not a great thing. Yeah. Um check engine light. Yeah. It's like the and so we have these lights and warning signals that that pop off in our car to tell us when something's wrong before something else goes really bad. Yeah. Um, so tonight I want us to kind of dig into and talk about what are those in marriage? What do those look like? And how do we, you may be like, bro, I have no idea. Okay, so how do we find those? Yeah. Uh what are those for you and Brandy uh over the years, being married, uh, as long as you have with kids, what are those warning signs that pop up, those things that happen that just kind of say, you know, what what's happening? Yeah, what is there something wrong? Do we need to, do we need to assess? Do we need to to take care of this before? Because sometimes we if you ignore those warning signals and just keep going, your car's gonna break down, it's not gonna work. And it may be too late to fix it. So it's like marriage is the same way. Like, what do we do? How do we fix it?

SPEAKER_02:

So Yeah. I you know, I think that you know, that that's kind of my initial thought when it comes to those warning signs is um you get a heads up, but you don't know how long that heads up is gonna be. Um and so um you you may have heard that that kind of lighthearted phrase around procrastination that if you wait till the last minute, it only takes a minute. That is not the case in my experience with marriage and some of those warning signs. Yeah. And so I think what's so tough, depending on you know, your marriage and just the season of life that you're in, like um, like we're in a season right now that like busyness seems to be um just like at our doorstep every single day. And it's just it's a lot. Um, I'm in my mid-30s and you know, it just seems like the demands of work and marriage and kids and like trying to figure it out, you know, you know, if you're religious, like what that looks like in your community, it's like it's all happening all at once. Yeah. And I remember sitting, um, kind of having this epiphany one at some point when I was thinking about work. And if I just look at work, my marriage, and being a dad, if I'm giving a hundred percent air quotes here to those, that's really only 33% for each, right? Right. I would fire myself. Like, yeah, like, oh, yeah, like I'm giving it all to my marriage, which is 33%.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, if you told Brandy, like, yeah, hey, babe, I'm gonna give you 33% just to do that.

SPEAKER_02:

Get every bit of my 34%. Yeah, hard pass. Hard pass on that.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, no, thank you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, so when I think about that, you know, I I think the main thing, and you already said it, it's like you need to be aware of it. And, you know, I I think is um sometimes um we fall into the temptation of just like getting into a rhythm of life where it's it's really just like a fire drill activity or or a triage situation. So whatever is like the loudest or the most in our face, that's what gets our attention.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, and you've got to go back, especially when you throw kids and and other just competing demands in the mix, in my opinion. And I'm by the way, yeah, for listeners or just for our relationship, like I'm not saying I gotta have this right. This is just what my dumb self fumbling through it for 12 years of marriage, it looks like. Um, you need to make sure that you remember like where the marriage needs to sit.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And I've heard you guys talk on the podcast and even just as friends before about like not falling into the temptation or trap of like allowing your kids to be put first and foremost over the marriage.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And um your kids were probably way better at this, but my kids are are loud, Greg. It's like have you been around, man? Yeah. Okay, they're dad, dad, dad, dad. It's like, stop.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah. You know, and can I have five minutes where you don't say my name? Yeah. You don't say that.

SPEAKER_02:

And depending on how you're wired, you know, if you're an extrovert, introvert, like, you know, some of us, you know, my wife needs some space and some time with like quiet to, you know, to decompress. And so anyway, I'm I'm talking about this in a roundabout way, but the idea is that like for me, I need to be to be like my best self and be aware of those warning signs. Like, I need to make sure that I'm still looking at the dash and not just looking around in in the car and like just figuring out like, hey guys, you know, here's a snack. Like, be like be aware of those things. Yeah. And and don't think that someone else is going to like address those or it'll just take care of itself.

SPEAKER_06:

So how do you and how do you and Brandy with I mean, with your crazy schedules? Yes. Um, and you guys are different. It's it's so crazy because your wife is so much like my wife, and you and I are so much alike. So when we get together, it's really easy to hang out because they kind of connect to themselves and we do. Uh, and we're kind of that sales, you know, we'll just talk to we'll talk to anybody. And so we're just over there yapping, and they just maybe just sitting just quietly, just hanging out together and enjoying every minute of it. Exactly. Um, how do you guys in the moment being different people, the schedules, the craziness, the work, how do you find time or or where are you finding time just to to to have that moment of quiet peace together? Like where have you guys found a solution yet? Are you still looking for it?

SPEAKER_02:

Um I don't think in the seasonal life that I'm in, you'll just organically find time. Right. So it it's the it's the make time approach. Yep. Um something that has been a priority for us, but has not always been followed through with actions, but something that that just, you know, transparently I'm trying to get better at is making that time for the date nights. Um date nights are not a cure, but if you're not having them regularly, I found, especially if you're someone like me that's like married their opposite, you know, personality type and whatnot, you can kind of get in this position where you're you're almost like ships passing in the night. And I think a kind of jumping ahead a little bit of like a warning sign that I was thinking about before we talked was like, you don't want to be in a situation, or I don't want to be in a situation, my marriage, where I'm like, I feel like I'm coworkers with my spouse. And it's like you handle this, I handle that. But there's almost like an unhealthy level of independence between the two of you.

SPEAKER_06:

You become you become roommates. Yeah. And it's like you don't need me for this. Yeah, we're just I've got it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Type thing.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And so those date nights have been really life-giving for us because it's allowed us to like take the time to kind of reconnect. Sometimes you guys sit there for a little bit and just be like, what the heck is going on this week?

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah. You know, and then also too, because what what was crazy for that is like I think the intentionality is so, so key in in marriage and and in any relationship. Like, if you're not intentional with your time, it's gonna go somewhere. Yeah. And it's not gonna go where you want it to go. Um, but I think even then, like being intentional even in your conversations, like we've done that. We go on a date, we're just like, man, wow. What a week. It's like, okay, we're gonna spend the next 20 minutes, we're not gonna talk about kids. Uh let's talk about I want to talk about you. I want to I want to hear about you. I want to hear about something for you. Like, tell me, tell me something you've been thinking about. Tell me something that's going on with you right now. Um because it's easy when you have four kids and they are wanting your time, it's easy to uh to be so focused on that that that becomes even on a date night. Hey, we spent our entire date night together and we talked about our kids the whole time. And it's not bad, I'm not saying it's a terrible thing, but I'm just saying if you're not intentional about spending some quality time with your spouse talking to her about what she's after, what she's going through, you're never gonna see those warning signs. You're not gonna because you may hear them through something that she says. Um and so it's just just being able to just listen and be intentional with that.

SPEAKER_02:

So maybe maybe another way of putting that, um, and I agree, is just that idea that your spouse is more than maybe the role that they're playing right now in your marriage. And so there will come a time, and I've heard you guys talk about it, and you're experiencing this now, right?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Where the kids, if you've done your job well, will move up and out.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Yeah. And so um, you don't have to have kids. You know, if you're listening to this and you don't have kids, you know, maybe it's work that has kind of become that just all-consuming busyness. Yeah. And it, you know, if you're not intentional about it, like you said, it can just kind of creep in. But the idea is for me, um, and again, I don't do this well all the time. I'm trying, I'm trying to figure this out. But if I'm not careful, the easy thing to be is talk about how crazy the kids are or how crazy work is, like whatever. But that's not the reason you got married to your wife or your husband. Yeah, because they they're gonna leave.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, they're gonna leave.

SPEAKER_02:

The kids will go, the job will change, you know, that project you're working on will come to completion, or you know, whatever. But trying to figure out a way that's like you can know the person. And so I think the date nights are important. We've also, this is something we it's harder to do, but we have done a good job of this. It's obviously much less regular, but I would say probably once a year we've taken a kid free trip. And we have been so fortunate to have like parents or friends or whatever like help out and make that a reality.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And those are the times, because like for me, you know, a two-hour date night, you might not be able to like get past the brain fog.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

But we've laughed at the fact that like if we drive down to the beach and like where we live is you know, five to six hours to the beach, right?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

In that drive, when there are not kids constantly just berating you with questions of where, you know, are we there yet? I'm hungry, I've got a pee, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, you you have some of the deepest conversations that we didn't have since we were dating back in the day. So that's been another like just practical. Again, when you see some of those warning signs, like these are things to alleviate that. But we can we can talk more about whatever we're doing.

SPEAKER_06:

What's even fun too? Like I remember the very first trip we went on, we call it an adult trip that we went to the beach with like four or five other couples once a year. They were in a big house. We would all go. I remember we get up in the morning and I just look at Jess and be like, hey, I got your stuff to the beach. She's like, No, I can take it. But I'm used to going with all the kids carrying like the pack mule. Yeah, the job of everything. Everything. I was like, oh, I can tote your chair. Like, that's not a big deal. And it was just so crazy to go and be like, set two chairs up and be like, okay, so now what do I do? Like, what do we do now? Like, we just hang out? Like, what do we just take? And so it was really fun, but so refreshing. I'd say anything you can do, that's a that's a huge, huge plus in marriage, is to take some time and just go be with them. Whether it's the beach, whether it's the mountains, whatever that looks like for you guys. That's a yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I think the destination is an it doesn't really matter. You can just drive. Yeah. I mean, honestly. Yeah, that's true. It's just that time to reconnect and to kind of refind yourself um as a couple and individually, and just like clear cle, you know, clear the clear the brain fog that happens from just the the groundhog day routine that we find ourselves in.

SPEAKER_06:

Because you're gonna have that lunchable moment too, one day. Yeah. You're gonna be standing at Croger going, hmm, when's the last time we talked about that? When's the last time I did that? And so it's it's when you look back on it, it's so bro, it's so different from when you're in it. Like you're in it and you're like, I'm not thinking about that. Does everybody have food? Yeah. Like is everybody eating lunch? Like, uh was lunch paid? Like, is are we all good? So it's hard. I I realize and understand it's really hard to just not even hit the brakes, but just take your foot off the gas pedal for a minute and just be like, all right, maybe I don't have to run wide open all the time. But uh you know, I get that it's hard. So finding it, I I agree. I don't think you find it, I think you have to decide and make and make that intention to to go get it. Yeah, where's that time? Where's that stuff? Let's go get it. 100%, man. All right. So tell me uh if I was just saying for you guys, man, what's one thing in the 11 years for kids? What's been one of those things that's been like, dude, if I've known this from the beginning, I would have been implementing this in my relationship or my marriage. Do you have one of those kind of nuggets that's there to just be like, bro, this is something that I wish I would have done all along?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. That's such a great question, Greg. Um So for us, and again, let me just be clear. Um, if you any personality uh tests you take, Brandy and I are opposites. Like does not matter. We have done them all. And it's just like she could just take them and I would say, okay, what's the opposite quadrant? That's me, right? Save you some time, babe. Um, yeah, exactly. Yeah. Um if you're familiar with the the love languages, um, that is something that I wish that I knew about.

SPEAKER_06:

What are what are yours?

SPEAKER_02:

So if you're not familiar with the love languages, it's just kind of this idea, and you can add color and context to this is very high level. Um, but just the idea that there are different ways that we give and receive love. And the way that I would explain it in a marriage is there are certain things that when they are given to you, really fill your bucket up. Yeah. Where you're just like, you got the confidence, you got the you know, win at your back, like this is awesome. And then there are other things that it's just like, man, you know, nice to have. I think at the end of the day, we need all of them, but there are definitely ones that are our leaders in just the way that we're wired that make a big difference.

SPEAKER_06:

So you got uh words of affirmation, words of affirmation, uh, acts of service, acts of service, gifts, gifts, physical touch, physical touch, and quality time.

SPEAKER_02:

Quality touch. There's five. Gotcha. Yep. And so for myself, my number one is words of affirmation, my number two is physical touch. For Brandy, her number one is acts of service, and her number two is gifts. So yet another assessment where we're opposites.

SPEAKER_06:

There you go.

SPEAKER_02:

Here's the interesting thing that I wish I would have known and has like really been like an eye-opener for me. You need to know where your spouse kind of falls in that type of environment.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And you need to make sure that you're proactive at giving love in that way. Right. Well, dumb Ace and that makes sense. But if it's not your go-to when the busyness creeps in, when work gets crazy, when the kids are noisy and you know, the ball schedule's insane, you're gonna revert to the way that you give and receive love.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So I'm gonna tell her, because I'm words of affirmation, you're you're such a good mom. You look beautiful today. You know, I I am so proud of you for blah, blah. That's like womp, womp. You know, nice to have for her. Will you freaking load the dishwasher, man? Yeah. Like it'd be great if you do the laundry. Right. But that does not come naturally to me, and it's not something that I'm like thinking about naturally because it's not how I receive love. Right. And so um, someone much wiser than me said that a healthy marriage is like a race to the back of the line where you're trying to like serve the other person. And you know, biblically we talk about the fact that like you don't keep record, you know, which I think is very sound advice for marriage. Right. And so when it comes to like love languages and things like that, it's what can I do and how can I be proactive to in my case, doing acts of service for Brandy that shows her what I would want to be told about me in a way, like how I'd want to be affirmed.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

But the way that I serve the in the way that I'm like and and and here's the the kicker. And marriage is hard, right? Yeah, yeah. That's not easy for me to do because it's not my natural thing. But if I would have known that in year two, three, four, or five of marriage, I would have probably de-escalated a lot of like tense situations where I'm just like, you know, why are we like so short with each other? Like, what's going on? Yeah, why are you mad? Yeah. What's going on? Yeah. As guys, as we try to solve that ever-changing Rubik's cube that is our wives, like that was something that's really helpful for me.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, because you're trying to figure out your wife, you know. So she's just like, how do you not know this?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

Like Jess's is words of affirmation and gifts.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_06:

And she always just laughs and she goes, Just tell me I'm pretty and give me something.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

And I'm like, okay. And I forget You got an easy one on your own. Yeah, I forget that from time to time because but then just today she sends me a text. It's just this incredibly sweet, thoughtful text about our relationship. And it was just I'm provoked. Like I'm I'm I'm literally um sitting on a bathtub recalking this bathtub. So I'm digging this nasty crap. And she sends this text. I'm like, man, the first thing went through my mind is like, oh, that's so sweet. And I was like, that's her love language. And I was like, crap, I haven't been doing a good job at that. So immediately went to, I need to do more of that for her because that's what she hears, that's what she feels, that's what she connects with.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Um, and that and that's an interesting point. And I think something like as guys, as we're trying to solve, I joke with the Ruby SQ, but trying to solve it is like, how can we do a better job of like being aware of it and taking the first step? Because if we're not going to keep record, then it doesn't matter who like acts first, but it kind of does. Like, let's be the ones that like start that.

SPEAKER_06:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, and that's where I'm often dropping the ball.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah. And it wasn't like a bad thing, like just like, oh crap. I beat myself up a lot of times because even even for us, we just get busy in life. I mean, even without kids, we you you're gonna find something to fill your time. Like you, you will. If it's not kids, it'll be work, it'll be something else. Uh so it's almost like you're gonna find it. So even once they go, like if you're saying, I can't do it now because I have kids, you're not gonna do it when you don't have kids either. So it's one of those steps like take it now and do that and figure it out. And so I think that's good. I think it's good stuff. Wow. It's not easy. Um because it's a relationship and relationships of work.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Have you heard that? Um, I think it's a Maxwell quote. It's something to the effect of like the things that are most worthwhile are uphill. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

Actually, we talked about that in a um couple weeks ago.

SPEAKER_02:

I heard it was butchered the quote, but that's like a marriage.

SPEAKER_06:

I I heard and and um because when I worked at Twelfthone, we would hear Maxwell like all the time. Oh yeah. Like he he would do, and so but he said that that was one quote he said to me that just that not to me personally, but we're in a small group, and he said that, and I was just like, Oh, that's so true. Like, everything worthwhile is uphill. He's like, because then he said the analogy goes, tell me something you've done that was easy. And I was like, hmm. He's like, okay, now tell me something you did that was really hard and challenging. And I was like, Oh, I had like three things pop in my head. He goes, see, you it's it you'll remember those. The easy things, you're just like, oh yeah, I don't I don't remember that. Right. And so it's it's so true. But all right. Well, man, love languages. Um, that's a good it's a good one. It's been around forever, too. There's a book out there. Who who wrote that book? Who was it that wrote the five languages? It's Gary something. Yes, it may be. Just type in five love languages and it's not a good one. Fact check me on that, don't yeah. I didn't come prepared with my notes. Yeah. Like right on my arm. Yeah. Hop on Eva's audience, type in five love languages. There's probably like workbooks upon workbooks, and um, you can probably, but it's pretty simple. It's not just got mad at me because uh we took the test and mine came back and they were all I scored the same on every single one of them. And she got so frustrated. I mean, she goes, just pick, she goes, why can't you just pick one? And just and I was like, babe, that's easy. Just do any of those five things and I'll be happy. And she's like, I don't believe that. I was like, oh, there are certain things that I gravitate to more, but I'm just like, yeah, I'm not I'm not a words of affirmation that's not huge on my list, or I'm not a gifts guy. So it's like So it is different from her perfectly. It is different from her because I'm like, you don't have to tell me, you know, how how great I am. I guess uh I was like, but you don't have to buy me anything. Like I don't ever buy myself, but she buys me things often. Yeah. Um, she bought me something not long ago, and she goes, I just thought I thought you would like that. And I was like, I actually do like it was a golf hat with Bigfoot, uh golfing. That sounds like you had to. Yeah, I was like, I should really like that hat. Thank you. And so uh, but I would I would never buy it for myself. Um, but so she knows that. So it's the whole knowing, it's not just knowing. And I think that's the crazy part too, even about personality tests. People take a personality test and they want to say, know who you are. And I was like, that's good, but the the the better part is knowing the person that you're with in the relationship, knowing who they are, how they operate, how they work. Uh, because when you're communicating with them or you're doing life with them, like knowing how they work makes a huge difference because you see that everything through your lens, yeah, not through theirs.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

And so being able to flip that.

SPEAKER_02:

So I I think with that too, something that I have struggled with, and like even just in this season, trying to figure out and articulate like what's the root issue that I'm I'm trying to like move away from. But knowing your spouse just like any relationship takes work. It's not like a static point in time. Um and knowing what they need and and like you know, deepening that is so important and such a worthwhile pursuit. Yeah, but one of the ugly sides of busyness that we allow to creep in also is that lack of margin. And people's brains work in different ways, but like for me, if I don't have enough margin to kind of have that mental bandwidth to like pivot and think about that, it's like I'm just my brain is just jumping to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing. And I miss some of those probably like really small, but those small things become cumulative opportunities. Um to have the time to like pursue her and and like figure that out and and and see those warning signs. And so that's where it's um you know, just kind of trying to be accountable. Like for me, it's like, well, you see the light on the dashboard, but how long, how long has it been on? You know, right?

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, have I just not noticed it?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Yeah. And and am I living my life in a way that like I'm able to react to it pretty immediately? Right. Or is it like, oh shoot, it's on, but like I'm going 80 miles an hour down the freeway and I can't exit right now.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah. No, I agree. I'd say you you made a statement. Oh, go ahead. You want to say something, Mike?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, no, I had a question for you. Um, just as far as you you're talking about, you know, in the craziness, the busyness of life, it can be hard to remember these things. You know, so how do you prep for that? Uh whether whether it be prep or whether it be a uh a working on yourself to have a mental shift to be able to think of it more just naturally. But for listeners who either one feel like they're in that busyness of life and they're not aware, not aware that they're missing working on whether it be love languages or being that initiating thing to their spouse. Yeah. Um, what do you take that helps you be consistent in that? Like anything from prep work to setting reminders on your phone or or whatever that is for you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. That's a great question, Michael. So I'm I, as I go through more life, I become keenly aware of the way that I'm wired and the strengths and weaknesses of that. And so um I married someone who's very organized and I'm not. And so the practical things that I do that have been helpful. Um, you know, I'm I'm in the business world and so I live and die kind of by the calendar. And so kind of I hate this term, but like I calendarized things in like our relationship also and like reminders and things to like check in and follow up on. Um brand gifts being important to Brandy, and Brandy celebrates people so well. And so I feel this like pressure build every time it was like Mother's Day or an anniversary, or like, I'm gonna fumble, yeah, fumble again. And so in my notes, in my in my in my phone, I have like tried to be a better listener and pay attention. You know, her her birthday is um in October. And you know, she might drop hints in March. But if I don't write those down in March, October's gonna come and I'm gonna freak out and I'm gonna be that lame gift card husband, where it's like, I love you, but it's like gift cards doesn't say that, buddy.

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, and so those are some practical things that I do. Um, and then I think the other thing that is just like I've had to kind of take a long look in the mirror is how many like business or professional or networking or whatever things have I like said yes to quickly versus like how hard do I find it to schedule a date night? And that's something where it's like tough love to myself, but like my priorities might be out of whack there. Does that make sense? Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

Well, yeah, that's made as guys, that's it, that's always a struggle. I feel like that's a struggle for every dude out there who's listening because sometimes it's so easy just to throw yourself into work. Yeah. And that becomes our identity. So many times just becomes who we are. And that that's not even way, way more than that. Um, but it just becomes the natural thing. We're like, no, no, no, I can do that. I'm gonna do that well. And we just throw ourselves into it. It's like, bro, yeah, that's that's not the answer. Maybe like um, we were just talking about, I was like, dude, I think it's uh my whole moment at Kroger the other day just made me really just kind of stop and look at and kind of think and reflect. And I was like, they're so important for for people, for men. I was like, I would encourage someone to take time, get away, and just maybe if it's even like a few days or a day or whatever, and just maybe sit in some space, some quietness. Like don't have your phone, maybe go out. I connect outside. So it's like go outside somewhere, sit down, maybe get a pen and pencil, and just I know that's crazy, but I was like, figure out what do you want to be about. Like, what do you want your life to look like? What do you want your family to look like? Is it about a job? Do you want to make money? Do you want to be like, what is it you're chasing? What do you want to be about? And then go be focused on doing that when you leave. Like if it's with and then create space in your life, like around it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, your calendar and your priorities and what you say yes and no to reflect that.

SPEAKER_06:

Because the reality is if you're honest with yourself and you look at your life right now, your calendar and your checkbook are gonna tell you what's important to you. Uh and so it's like looking at those things and taking a step back and go, what do I really want to be about? Because you're gonna turn around, blink, and you're gonna be 15 years down the road. Yeah, 10 years down the road. And you're like, wait a minute. Right. Like that what happened to the last 10 years? Did I get done what I wanted to do? Did I get to pour into my kids what I want to pour into them?

SPEAKER_02:

Or did I just show up 10 years later? Yeah. I I think that the C so I joked kind of at the beginning of the episode about like the fog of war. I've had conversations with a lot of guys that are in kind of that 30, mid-30s, mid-40s like range right now. And um, I think we've talked about this before, but I was a part of this group, um, like a discipleship group, that did a really cool exercise where it was this whole idea of like writing your own eulogy. And if you're thinking about working backwards from like, what do you want said at the end? And who do you want to be in the room? Yeah, saying what? And the that real intangible pressure that I feel sitting here at 35 is I feel like everything is hard all at once, it's all worthwhile, blah, blah, blah. But this is the make or break season.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And so, like, I love that we're talking about the the warning lights, but I I think, I think kind of like as a takeaway or challenge for all of us as men, is like it's easy to say, it's hard to do.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, and so figuring out, like, to your point, what are those things that we can work backwards from to make sure that we we arrive to the destination that we want to and not just show up like on the side of the road somewhere and be like, well, that was that was weird. Yeah. That's quite a right.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's just say I I told Jess, um, I was like, I got a text from Thomas. He was like, What are you doing? I was up late last night and he works at the fire station. So he's like up sometimes in the middle of the night, and he texts me and he's like, What are you doing Thursday? And I had I have a job that I'm I'm working on uh remodeling some of the a house, and I I really need to be there working. And I was like, I'm not really sure what you what you got planned. He goes, You want to go dove hunting? Because we had a we baited a dove field on some family land, he and I did a couple weeks back, and this past Saturday was opening, and we didn't go because we just didn't. We watched football and hung out. And uh he's like, You want to go dove hunting? And I was like, it took me a minute. I thought about it, I was like, man, I really need to do this job, I need to work. And I was like, absolutely, I'd love to go. And I'm like, that job will be there. And I was like, how many more times am I gonna get the opportunity to go say yes to that? Uh, how many more times is he gonna ask me to go do that? And I'm like, so yeah, I'm gonna say yes to that. Like it's gonna cost me, but I in my mind, I've got to be. It's worth the cost. Yeah, that costs. It's worth the cost. That's an easy, that's an easy payoff. And then we're gonna have a blast. We're gonna shoot some guns. Yeah. So we're gonna have fun in the process. So it's like, uh, yeah, absolutely. So I think there's there's always that. Well, we're at a point where we're 35 minutes in. I don't, I don't want us to, I don't want to cut us off. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna kind of again, it's different, you know, and it's a podcast. We can do whatever the heck we want to. So um we're gonna take a Wild West out here. We're just doing it as we go. Do it from the Jess is gonna be like, what in the world?

SPEAKER_02:

Why did you let him on the podcast? We're on this upper trajectory.

SPEAKER_06:

I didn't have notes and you didn't follow the notebook. That's what's wrong. This is my nightmare.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

So we're gonna take a break and we're gonna um we're gonna come back in and this may be we may do a part two, or it may be just a really extended one, but we're just gonna take a break. Um and and then jump back into this conversation. So if you want to hear more of it, you can uh catch the next one. But uh are you good with that? Are we good with that? Can we do that? Yeah, I guess we can do whatever we want. So thanks, guys, and uh catch us to hear the end of this as we jump back into some more really cool guy stuff. Thanks for listening.

Head Shot

Greg & Jess

Host