Baggage Claim

How Choosing Ten Quiet Minutes Can Transform Your Marriage And Friendships

• Greg and Jess • Season 1 • Episode 34

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What if ten quiet minutes could change the way you love people? We take a lively room—family, friends, and a few outrageous would-you-rathers—and channel that energy into a candid look at solitude, self-talk, and the hidden ways our inner voice shapes every relationship we touch.

We return to a recent challenge and admit the truth: naming one thing we liked about ourselves was surprisingly hard. That sparks a deeper exploration of why many of us default to negative loops, how encouragement for others comes fast while self-kindness stalls, and what it takes to “finish” a recurring thought so it stops running your day. Along the way, we share a sticky-note exercise that proves specific praise is powerful, a perspective on coping versus thriving, and personal practices that make quiet time actually useful—not just silent.

From classroom leadership moments to counseling breakthroughs, we connect solitude to practical relationship skills: showing up calm, communicating clearly, and choosing the silver lining without denying reality. You’ll learn how to set a simple rhythm—ten minutes of silence, two sincere messages of encouragement—to retrain your attention and rebuild trust, at home and at work. Small daily shifts compound into big relational dividends. Ready to try it this week and see what changes?

If this resonated, tap follow, share it with a friend who needs the nudge, and leave a quick review. Tell us: who are your two encouragement texts going to today?

SPEAKER_05:

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_05:

What's up, Baggage Claim? How's everybody doing tonight? If your first time here, thank you so much for joining us. If you're a regular uh to Baggage Claim, thank you for coming back. Um Baggage Claim is a place where we have conversations and community around relationships, around marriage, around just self. Um and so wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, uh grab your favorite drink, whatever that is, and pull up to the table with us and just have some good discussion. That's right.

SPEAKER_01:

You know what's good about today already?

SPEAKER_05:

Ooh, what is good about today already?

SPEAKER_01:

I did not laugh at the clap.

SPEAKER_06:

I'm so proud of you. Give me high five. I feel like we've maybe turned a corner here. We may have.

SPEAKER_05:

I mean, we've got thirty, what is it, thirty-three episodes in?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. When we originally started, we had producer Michael, we had producer Miranda. Well, Miranda's our daughter-in-law. And when baby Lucy was born, Miranda had to take a little uh leave of absence. And she's here today.

SPEAKER_06:

And she did the clap for us.

SPEAKER_01:

And I did not laugh. So do you realize we're probably bombing influence in my heart?

SPEAKER_05:

30 hours in. Probably 30 plus hours. That's insane. And you just now stopped laughing with the glasses.

SPEAKER_01:

That doesn't mean I'm gonna knock it out.

SPEAKER_06:

Can we give a quick shout out that it's Miranda's birthday? It is. We're celebrating Miranda's birthday.

SPEAKER_05:

We are celebrating it tonight, but she was out of town Saturday. We're celebrating her birthday tonight. Which will be birthday. Seven days later when this all comes out. Yes. Yes. Um, we do have an audience. We have uh some actual past guests of uh Thomas. That's true. It's got returned. N AJ, Uncle AJ. You're broke.

SPEAKER_01:

Thomas, our son, who is married to the birthday girl. Yeah. Uncle AJ, who is like an honorary son.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, he's one of our kids. That's it. Come on, buddy. You're right. He is just all went out to dinner uh from Randy's birthday, and now we're recording. So uh it's been a fun night already. Oh yeah, oh yeah. So we're um I mean we're just gonna jump in. Like we just question time. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Are we doing question time? Greg almost. I just got to go. Greg's grandfather name is G, and so we and I'm JJ, so we nine times out of ten, instead of Greg, hey, whatever. I'm like, D, this or that.

SPEAKER_06:

I will say I completely dove into saying question time, but do we have questions? You said you. I don't know. Do we have a question? Do we have a question? Hey, let's ask the audience. I think AJ has oh, that one, that one might be that one might be dangerous. AJ raising his hand.

SPEAKER_05:

All right. All right, go ahead, AJ. What's your question?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Question time.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Would you rather No, come here, you gotta get on the mic. Yeah, don't you?

SPEAKER_05:

No, walk over here and get on the mic. Don't get in front of the side.

SPEAKER_02:

Would you rather go time? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Would you rather sneeze every time you fart or fart every time you sneeze?

SPEAKER_05:

Sneeze every time you fart.

SPEAKER_02:

That sounds like it's the double whammy of awfulness every time.

SPEAKER_06:

Well, I definitely sneeze more than I fart, so I would say You do? Oh, I definitely like with my allergies. Bro, go to an allergist, man. Get some medicine.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like that's a good one.

SPEAKER_06:

Because like when you've got a question.

SPEAKER_01:

We have to answer the question for the question.

SPEAKER_06:

Because I feel like I would rather have to sneeze whenever I fart. That way I don't fart every time I have to sneeze. I enjoy sneezing more than farting. I don't. It's the reverse.

SPEAKER_05:

I would rather. Sneezing is like it starts in my toes and it's a full-body sneeze.

SPEAKER_01:

You have a range of sneezes. It's either like a oh bless you, or of are you okay? I'm a violent sneezer.

SPEAKER_05:

I'm very violent. It's very loud, very violent. But it's not like a release. Like it hurts. The problem is though when you sneeze, people go, bless you. They're like, bless you. When you fart, no one, everybody uses think uh.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Like they're looking to rate it.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't like the word. I'm a rater. I'm a girl. Oh my god, I was a solid pass gas.

SPEAKER_05:

You know what I mean? Toot. New pass gas. Toot. You got a question? I do have a question. Come on, AJ.

SPEAKER_01:

I never answered that question because I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_05:

This is questions from the audience. Like number two here. Okay. Hold on. Is this a is this appropriate for our audience? Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

I thought of a new one. I thought of a new one. Okay.

SPEAKER_04:

Just making sure. Would you rather be able to never use toilet paper again or never use a fork and knife again?

SPEAKER_01:

Never use a fork and never use a fork and knife again.

SPEAKER_06:

Hands down fork and knife.

SPEAKER_01:

Fork and knife.

SPEAKER_04:

What about a bidet?

SPEAKER_01:

That's not a part of the question.

SPEAKER_04:

You don't mind a baba do. Boba do bobaet. You gotta start using like different theories, you know, like could I use chopsticks? Could I use a bidet? Like other solutions. Okay, so wait a minute.

SPEAKER_05:

It's either no toilet paper or no silverware.

SPEAKER_04:

Fork and knife. You can use chopsticks.

SPEAKER_05:

I will tell you this. I was uh uh when I was I was in uh uh in Korea.

SPEAKER_01:

What are you about to say?

SPEAKER_05:

They have really, really nice debate debates, uh debate debates.

SPEAKER_02:

Bidets bidets, bidets, badays.

SPEAKER_05:

Good gosh!

SPEAKER_02:

What are we talking about, Greg?

SPEAKER_05:

Sorry, this Marguerite is talking. Yeah, but anyway, so it had like um not only was it water, but it had heat, air, massage like a car wash material. Warm water? Yeah, it was patterns next level. I can't. It was amazing.

SPEAKER_04:

So I might try one of those.

SPEAKER_05:

It almost made me want to buy one.

SPEAKER_04:

Um my old roommate had one. I was sad when he moved out. Yeah, I don't I don't it's great. Was it like heated? Heated toilet seat, heated water, heated air.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, he said it was like a$500 banana.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, it was it was good.

SPEAKER_03:

The good one was. So he's from California, so yeah. Those are amazing. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know what that means. He's just bougie for Orange County.

SPEAKER_01:

I have a would you rather?

SPEAKER_05:

All right, shoot, Jess, go for it. How many questions are we doing in this three? At least three. This is the last one. Would you hold on, it's for Tatum. Tatum, would you rather we gotta do a question time?

SPEAKER_01:

Do it right for Tatum. For Tatum. Question time.

SPEAKER_05:

Tatum, would you rather shout out to Tatum? Sneezer Fart.

SPEAKER_01:

Would you? No. You'd probably rather would you rather be allergic to sunlight or be allergic to your own sweat.

SPEAKER_05:

Ooh. Sweat. Because if I could be outside, that'd just be miserable for me.

SPEAKER_01:

And my menopause is a era of life. I sweat in my classroom.

SPEAKER_05:

So I will say it's gotten colder here in Georgia, where we're at. And I've slept in six degree with her. Jess says she wakes up freezing, but I've literally slept in night.

SPEAKER_01:

I go to sleep freezing and then I sweat the rest of the time. I think I would rather be allergic to sunlight because it's easier to be in the shade.

SPEAKER_06:

I don't know. I think I'd rather be allergic to my sweat. And I sweat all the time. Like I'm thinking like built in the deck this last week, and like I sweat like I don't know sweat.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm literally standing in the front of my classroom teaching breathing.

SPEAKER_06:

But I think I would rather be able to like go out to the beach or go out to the lake.

SPEAKER_05:

If you can't be in the sun, that just sucks.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah. I think I'd rather choose to be in the sun. So great question time. All right.

SPEAKER_01:

Well our audience is not engaged and we're going to be able to do that. That doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_05:

They're over there talking about stupid crap. So we talked about, we just had one that posted uh when this comes out, it'll be seven days ago. Yeah. Uh so it's called the Solitude Paradox. Uh so the whole idea is that your relationships is a fancy word. Your relationships are better when you spend time alone. And which sounds kind of like you can manage your time alone. Yeah. And so we talked about that idea, we threw it out there about hey, being alone or in solitude makes the relationships you're in better. And so, but we never really we we gave a couple of tips on things to do. Then we did the exercise. Some challenges, yeah, some exercises like spend 10 minutes alone uh this past week, like no radio, just in silence. And then we said, say the one thing that you love most about yourself. Um and we'll be pushing that on our social media this week or last week was hey, tell us something you like about yourself.

SPEAKER_01:

Um So the three of us tried that challenge in our own. I say tried because I didn't do very well.

SPEAKER_05:

So we had yeah, we have a we have a little text thread between the three of us called our bag exclaim crew. And so we basically were like, okay, say one thing you like about yourself each day. Um and Michael and I were firing them off. And it was after day one, Jess went, she ghosted us. I did, she completely silenced. So it's almost like I was side texting Jess, being like, hey, you gotta chime in here.

SPEAKER_01:

I was like, I don't like anything about myself today.

SPEAKER_06:

Like that was hard that once usually like day three, it took me till the end of the day because like and I would just think and think and think. And I'm like, I don't have anything to say.

SPEAKER_01:

Like we we've done been doing this for seven or eight days at this point, and there's only been like maybe three days where I participated. Not because I don't want to, but just because that's that hard for me to pick out something I like about myself.

SPEAKER_05:

So why like and I texted in the group and we're like, why is it this is so freaking hard for us? Like, why is it that we allow society, we allow everything in our lives to talk about the negative parts of us? And we could all, because if we went the next seven days and said, tell me one thing you want to change in your life, that's a quick Yeah, it's a lot easier to do. Yeah. Why is that? Like, why have we programmed ourselves or why have we allowed people to tell us all the things we need to change versus telling us all the things that are good?

SPEAKER_06:

Well, I don't think we take time to actually sit back and think about the things that we like about ourselves. I mean, when's the last time that you've ever had anybody encourage you to do that? Even just in society. Like that's not a common thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I will say our principal at our staff meeting today, she gave us each a sticky note after we had some pretty heavy uh content that we had already gone over. But she was like, We're not ending on a negative note. We've had a lot of heavy stuff we've talked about. So she gave all the sixty something of us a sticky note, and she said, Write your name at the top. So we all did. And she said, trade with someone around you and then write something that you like about that person or an encouragement, like a specific personal thing. And we did that, but we all traded around three times. And she even brought up, she was like, You see how easy it was for you to pick out something that was positive about somebody. Like I even had a somebody's name who I don't know personally, but I'm like, you have the best laugh. Like when you laugh, it fills up the room. And that's what I wrote on her paper. But I don't know her as a friend, but all of us, it was like we were firing them off. And she was just our principal said, Okay, okay, okay, we have to like, you know, end this. Y'all need to go home or whatever. But it was so easy for me to pick out stuff I liked about either my teammates on my grade level or like that person I don't really teach with, I don't teach with her at all. She's a fourth grade teacher. But that was so easy for me. But then when I got my own sticky note back, because that was the end, they were like, whose ever sticky note you have in your hand, take it to that person. But then reading the comments that other people wrote about me, I was like, Oh, wow, okay. Like, but I can't pick out those many things about my own self.

SPEAKER_06:

Why? Why not? I don't know. Well, I mean, go back to solitude, like the paradox, we we don't spend time intentionally with our own thoughts.

SPEAKER_05:

I I did it one time, I had a dry race marker, and I would every morning I would write something on my mirror, uh, just to encourage myself, and then I would write stuff on my head.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, after we got married, you brought me in on that.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, so I would we had the big mirrors in our in our bathroom, and so I would write notes to Jess with a dry race marker on a mirror, because you can just wipe it off. Yeah. Um and then I would write things, it would be three things on my mirror I would write every day that either I wanted to accomplish or things I liked about myself or just to encourage myself.

SPEAKER_01:

Encouraging your own self.

SPEAKER_05:

Um and I know that sounds and some people think that sounds silly, but the idea is even like selfish, but yeah, but no one's everybody's telling us what we need to change. No one's really telling us, hey, you are amazing at this because it feels so self-gratifying. And so we've uh and I get the idea of like we want to be better people, we want to be uh moving forward, we want progress. Um so we always try to improve those areas of our life where we feel like we're not, I guess, up to where we want to be. But sometimes we focus so much on that that we forget what we're really good at. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's there's been very few um spans of time in my life where I have been able to say positive things about myself. I and you know this. I I read my own thoughts and about myself personally in a very negative filter.

SPEAKER_05:

Which is in this is completely interesting to me because you are the most encouraging person I've ever been around.

SPEAKER_06:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05:

Like you literally encourage everyone around you, like even me. You you'll text me out of the blue and be like, I'm so proud of you, I love you, I'm so grateful for you. Like you're you encourage me so much, but it's so interesting because you take that into your relationship.

SPEAKER_01:

Whether you are beating yourself up, but you you carry that weight in that relationship, yeah, and then but it's really easy for me to encourage others, yeah. And to pick out like small things uh how to encourage other people.

SPEAKER_06:

Like for me, it's fulfilling to encourage others. But yeah, like I love encouraging others, absolutely. But this week has made me think like why do I not ever do that even on a small scale to myself?

SPEAKER_01:

Why can't I not make my own heart happy?

SPEAKER_05:

Because if we switch that if we switch that like our challenge was say something you like about yourself.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

If we challenge that and say, hey, say something you love about somebody in your life.

SPEAKER_01:

My gosh, that would be so easy if I were like our three groups. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

That would be crazy. I could write a page tonight on that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Every day. I could do that, hands down. And it makes sense.

SPEAKER_06:

But that's crazy to me. And I know we've talked about this before on the podcast, but it it makes me go back like we get in our own echo chamber in our own mind. And that takes me back to the statistic where it's the average mindset of a person in America. We have a 13 to 1 negative ratio. We think 13 negative thoughts about ourselves to every one positive thought. So it's so much easier to look at someone else.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't even like to talk about myself, but like today we had a team meeting for my grade level, and it was we've had some changes happen with some curriculum stuff. And it's been hard, and it's going to be hard for a little while. It's fine. We're gonna meet the challenge. But one of my teammates, my next door neighbor on my hallway, she was so complimentary of me, Dana, of course. She was so complimentary of how I led that meeting, and my she even said my countenance, the words I chose, my tone of voice, how I led our team through that difficult meeting to like help us put our next foot forward and get a plan and who's doing what, and this is what it's gonna look like, and I'm gonna order this and that and whatever. Like there was a plan, and I was just like, No, I'm just trying to keep our feet under us because this starts Monday and it it's Tuesday today, you know, when we're recording. So I was just trying to like, we're gonna stay above water, we're not gonna drown, here's what we're doing. Um but literally it was just like a survival mode. But after the meeting, she pulled me aside and she said, You did such a good job leading us just then. She was like, the w your tone, your even your body language, and it was just like on and on and on and on. And I was just thinking, Wow, I would have never thought that about my own self. But why can I not think that about myself? That's so it's frustrating in my own mind.

SPEAKER_05:

Well, since we have a studio audience, um I would love to involve them because it's usually just the three of us in this room. So I would love you guys, AJ, tell me uh two things you like about yourself right now. And here, you gotta come talk in the mic. Yeah, come over. Set behind the camera. Yeah, come over to you.

SPEAKER_01:

So Henry thinking, Miranda.

SPEAKER_05:

And uh behind the camera, put your eyes back in your forehead, Miranda.

SPEAKER_01:

Either way.

SPEAKER_04:

I guess right now I really like my job and the job I provided for myself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You have worked really hard for your job.

SPEAKER_04:

That's something I really like.

SPEAKER_01:

Um see, like right now, okay. You're having trouble thinking of a second one. I have I have three or four listed in my mind right now for you.

SPEAKER_04:

I just like what I really like myself is how I just always know how to have a fun time. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01:

That's one of the ones on my list.

SPEAKER_04:

No matter what, like every night this past week, I've just found something to do to have fun and enjoy my time and enjoy the life I've been given. So I've got it, yeah. Thank you. Perfect. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05:

I will tell you this when AJ shows up, I smile. I immediately start smiling because I'm like, we're gonna have fun. Yeah, we're gonna have a good time. For sure.

SPEAKER_06:

We've hung out like what, five times maybe? Dude, this is like you're like my best friend.

SPEAKER_04:

Absolutely, like stupid chills.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, absolutely. I'll just tell you this before we start recording in our garage, we have like a 75-inch TV. We watch football, Saturday, and the two of y'all are out there singing karaoke. Singing karaoke to the top of their line. Yes, I wouldn't say too about producer Michael and AJ.

SPEAKER_01:

Y'all could not be more different.

SPEAKER_06:

Oh, like very people.

SPEAKER_01:

But also, there's so many simulators that just joy and enjoying who you're around.

SPEAKER_05:

Come on, Miranda. Get up here.

SPEAKER_01:

Come on, Miranda, later.

SPEAKER_05:

Miranda won't even get off the couch and get over here. Come on, producer Miranda.

SPEAKER_01:

Come on.

SPEAKER_06:

I will say Producer, birthday girl Miranda.

SPEAKER_01:

Producer, birthday girl, Miranda, and I are a lot alike and our self-talk. And so I know that this is hard for you, but I know there's two things you can say.

SPEAKER_05:

We just want recording because most 98%, 99% of our people listen.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_05:

So go ahead. Yeah, just tell us what you got.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, first thing.

SPEAKER_05:

Give us two.

SPEAKER_01:

My photography. Yes. You are such an amazing photograph.

SPEAKER_05:

You want a phenomenal photographer?

SPEAKER_01:

Go on Facebook and search you photography. Simply U photography. And check this girl out. Yeah. If you want to be tan before your photo, you can also search Simply Tan and she'll make you glow well.

SPEAKER_05:

It's really cool to watch her work.

SPEAKER_01:

You are an artist many ways. How sweet Lucy is. No, okay, that's but say it, but frame, but frame it as a compliment to yourself.

SPEAKER_04:

I am a good mommy.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, you are. You are such a good mommy.

SPEAKER_05:

You are.

SPEAKER_01:

You are such a good mommy.

SPEAKER_05:

And Miss Lucy's she's asleep, maybe like 15 feet from us.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, she's she's sleeping in G and JJ's room. Okay, Thomas Jack.

SPEAKER_05:

All right, hey, no vulgarity.

SPEAKER_01:

You can't say bad words. Firefighter Thomas cannot say bad words.

SPEAKER_02:

I like that I like to help people.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. You're a community helper.

SPEAKER_02:

That is a good thing.

SPEAKER_01:

That's true.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, I guess I would like to think that I'm a good dad and husband. Yeah! Yeah. I got approval from AJ.

SPEAKER_07:

AJ approves.

SPEAKER_05:

I would say you guys are. You guys are phenomenal and very involved parents, which is really cool to be.

SPEAKER_01:

You're very hands-on parents.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes. It's cool. It's cool to see you.

SPEAKER_01:

As hard as it is to have a newborn, and you I mean, you were literally newlyweds when you had her, like literally a year and uh five seconds after you got married.

SPEAKER_06:

A year and five seconds.

SPEAKER_01:

But all of that, y'all are just y'all have taken it on so well. And I know there's frustration. I mean, we're we're parenting adults, and there's still frustration, but you've done a really good job. And AJ, I mean, see, here I am complimenting y'all. AJ, your determination is admirable. It truly is.

SPEAKER_05:

We've watched you go from this struggle and work and work and work and pay for your ways to smoke house to the pilot. Yeah, too.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so really nothing.

SPEAKER_06:

How do you shift this whole encouragement mindset to ourselves? How do we encourage ourselves more?

SPEAKER_01:

I really do that. That's what we're here to talk about.

SPEAKER_05:

And it's phenomenal in the in the fact that you can rewire the way you think. But we don't we don't do it so many times. We just get stuck in this rut and we stay there. And it's like almost changing the way we think, changing the way we view ourselves is not it's not an easy thing, but it can be done. It just takes us focus and some work on us to be able to do that. And so we gotta change some things up. Uh we gotta make change happen, but we just totally get stuck in that and we don't move from it. Yeah. So it's a start with the simple thing. So just even if it's a personal, just inner, inner focus kind of thing. Because we talked about solitude and the importance of being alone. How it uh and I think it's being with our own thoughts and being okay with those thoughts, as crazy as they may sound, as um I mean unorganized as they may sound, like Oh, crazy unorganized. Yeah, I'm I'm ADD. So it's like if I sit by myself somewhere. So you're like 50 different thoughts you're wrestling through.

SPEAKER_01:

Like Yeah, it's insane.

SPEAKER_05:

Well, I mean, I have to work to see focused.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, not even just by yourself. Like you you forget to finish like the last two words of a sentence. Although in your brain, you know what you wanted to say. Oh, I I But as it's coming out of your mouth, you don't finish the sentence because in your brain you're on to the next three sentences. You heard that.

SPEAKER_05:

I still get caught in the moment. And I realized, like, AJ and I, I was walking into the house to get the book, and AJ and I met in the little walkway going to the house, and we started talking and cutting up. I literally got into the house and I'm sitting in the kitchen. We're just laughing, and I'm like, why did I come into the house?

SPEAKER_06:

I'm sitting there like, I don't even know why I came here. You're waiting on him to get back to me and start recording.

SPEAKER_01:

And you one of the and I think it's cute. It's not annoying to me, but one of these things that you do, you'll say, Well, I I was gonna hand you this, but I was gonna go get the. And then you walk off to do whatever you do, and I was like, Okay, I'm gonna go get the what?

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So thoughts can hurt us though, and like your thoughts are running so rampant in your head. My thoughts just you know, you come to a fork in the road and you've got, hey, here's positive lane and here's negative down. Mine, my thoughts go negative immediately. Like and it's just like, nope, that's where we're going. Yours are like, I don't know where I'm going. I'm going everywhere. Well about you.

SPEAKER_06:

Just everywhere. It's everywhere. There's literally no telling.

SPEAKER_05:

I don't and this is this is not a great thing. I cannot start with that. Like, this is my protective mechanism I've I've learned over counseling. When someone is very negative toward me or in me, I just don't have them in my life. Like I just eliminate them from my life. Because I'm like, I don't want that, I don't need that, I don't need that distraction, and I don't need anyone to beat me down.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

It's a kind of a safety net for me because growing up with my dad being I mean, I I was called anything you can think of, I was called by my dad. Like I was yeah. And so it's like I dealt with that for a long time, and then I got a part where I was like, I don't really care what you think about me. Like the people I care that think about me are the people that are closest to me. Like the people in this room are what matter to me. And so that's the what they think of me matters. Outside of that, I'm kind of like whatever. That's that's cool you think that way, but I don't really care.

SPEAKER_01:

Like So you think that transfers to your self-talk?

SPEAKER_05:

I think so a lot, because I'm just like, yeah, I don't know. It's like reading the it's like reading the negative comments in uh in a social feed. Like and I I found myself doing this. I'm s I'm more intrigued with the comment section of TikTok than I am the actual video. So as soon as I watch the video, sometimes I hit pause and I go straight to the comments. Absolutely. It's always the comments.

SPEAKER_01:

It's so rare for me to do that. And really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

I'm always doing that. And it's just immediately it goes to negative. People immediately go to negative screenshot.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it's so funny that you said that because a friend of mine sent me like a screenshot of comments. It was like an educational content TikTok, but she had pulled up the comments and screenshotted that and sent it to me. And I I was just like, Do we know some of these people who are commenting? She was like, No, just look at what they're saying. Like, we can identify with this, this, this, and this. And I was like, oh, okay. I didn't think about that part. I'm like, do we know some of these people who are saying this?

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So I I don't I don't know. It's just it's interesting how my own mind works as we're talking about this. Like I hear that.

SPEAKER_06:

Well, and I got to thinking, I mean, just as we were we were talking through it as our our participation audience was um, I dropped my fidget to wing it. You know, just sitting here and encouraging one another, man. Like one, I don't and when talking to listeners, I don't know where where y'all are at, but like there is something so fulfilling and encouraging and uplifting about encouraging others. Yeah. And and I sit back and I'm like, gosh, why can't I do that to myself? Yes, why can't I do that to myself? And then it like it takes me back, and I know we shared a little bit about this last episode, but like there's been a time in my life where I was encouraged by how I encouraged myself, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01:

It does, it does when you say it, but can I tell you, I've never had a span of time in my life where I've thought that way of my own self.

SPEAKER_06:

So you never had you never pep talk yourself?

SPEAKER_01:

No, never. Ever.

SPEAKER_06:

There was a season, especially after going through divorce, like I did it all the time. And mind you, I was also going through counseling, going through a lot of things, and I talked about everything that went through my mind. Greg, you know, like I didn't hold anything back. I talked about everything that I was going through in my thoughts.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I don't mean to interrupt you. No, you're fine. There was maybe like a six-month period when I was a widow where I'd worked my butt off to get my feet back under myself, get a routine, get just get mine and Thomas and Aaron Grace's life together. Where I was like, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I can do this, I am doing it. And I could tell myself that daily. And that's when my counselor was like, and that's when somebody's gonna come into your life that wants to date you and marry you, and you're gonna be like, don't mess this up. When we met, I was very confident. I can say that.

SPEAKER_05:

You were very much, I don't need anything. And that was probably the most attractive thing for me to be like, oh, she's got her stuff together.

SPEAKER_01:

I didn't need to.

SPEAKER_05:

Like you were running your subdivision, you would run around your subdivision uh in country walk uh every so often. I was just like, okay. As well as all the other Yeah, you were like doing the after school.

SPEAKER_01:

I pushed a car up a hill.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, you did. You told me about it. But it was interesting because you you had such a confidence about yourself.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. But it wasn't just the working out or whatever. It was like, no, I was I was running my life.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, it does. I mean, all of that does have like what you eat, what you put into your body has uh affects all of and here's the thing, and another- I felt guilty yesterday because I ate three pieces of candy at school.

SPEAKER_01:

I was stressed out.

SPEAKER_05:

So I know some of you may be listening to this and going, okay, I thought this was about relationships, thought it was about marriage. But I'm telling you, if you don't believe how you think about yourself, how you see yourself affects your relationships, pull your head out of the sand and join the real world because it 1,000% directly reflects how you speak to, how you react to, how you communicate, and how you talk to your significant others.

SPEAKER_01:

Whether or not I enjoy spending time alone or just doing my own thing, I do know that there are things that I do that are my own thing that make me feel better.

SPEAKER_07:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Like working out every day makes me feel better. As silly as it sounds, getting to read for thirty 45 minutes before I go to bed. It makes me feel better.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Like just little things.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah. Yeah. Because we we say I've said it once, I'll say it a thousand times. And I'll keep saying it. I'll keep beating the drum. If you want to have a great marriage, be a very, very healthy person.

SPEAKER_06:

Great you. Yeah. Be the best version of it. I mean, how are you, and you know, if you're in a marriage relationship and you're saying, you know, till death do us part, this is something you want to be for the rest of your life. If you can't wrestle the own issues in your own mind, how are you supposed to wrestle the issues between you and a spouse?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, for crying out loud, if you want to be a good friend, you need to be a good you.

SPEAKER_06:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

It's not just about marriage. If you want to be a good friend, if you want to be a good parent, a sibling, if you want to be a good you in a relationship, you've got to be a good you first. Like you can't you can't bring an unhealthy person into any kind of relationship.

SPEAKER_05:

Trevor Burrus, Jr.: So we talked about this idea of the solitude paradox of being alone makes you better with others. So we talked about being okay and sitting in yourself, sitting in your own thoughts. So what does that look like? Help me help me understand what that looks like, what that means for you guys to sit.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it's different for all three of us sitting here at this table.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I just said what what it what it is for me. It's getting to go to the gym and or getting to read or just having a few minutes to decompress where I don't have to say words. Because at work for me, because I'm a teacher, I say five million, thousand, trillion words a day. And I have to make a hundred choices a minute and you know, all of the things that are incorporated in my job. So I think it's like well, because I spend so much time with other people and doing things with other people, although they're littles, it's hard for me to switch gears to be like, here's what I need for myself. Because my days are long. And when I get home, it's like, no, I want to be with you, I want to be with the kids, I want to be with Lucy. And it's just like, it's hard to make that choice of no, what do I really need? Although I know what it is.

SPEAKER_05:

Well, because there's there's many people out there whose lives are extremely busy and full of stuff and full of activities.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

But the idea is if you don't figure out how to take just a few minutes of time to center yourself and ground yourself, then you're not being the best version of your stuff.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't have anything to give if I don't do that. Right.

SPEAKER_06:

For me, you know, going back to the when I do have solitude, when I work on my thoughts, or when I just have thoughts, like I get so many thoughts. So many. And especially like the negative thoughts, like just hounding at me, like, why aren't you working out more? You know, why why haven't you lost more weight than you already are? You know, you should be better than where you're at. Why aren't you doing more at work? You should be accomplishing more. Why haven't you done more on your barn that you're building? Like all these things, like, hey, you know, I wish I could see the end result, but I'm not, because I haven't done all the small steps to it. But then uh it's so easy to get drowned out with that. And one thing that I I went through in counseling um a couple of years ago was uh we sat down and we were like, look, it's it's not wrong to cope sometimes to distract yourself from the thoughts because sometimes they can just overwhelm you so much to the point that it can lead to anxiety, it can lead to depression and all these things. But the reality is coping and thriving cannot coexist. So it was a matter of being intentional to take a moment and say, I'm not distracting myself from my thoughts. I'm going to be intentional to be alone and I'm gonna latch on to one thought and I'm gonna nail it down. Yep. And I'm gonna complete that thought. Um, so for me, what that helped with, because and and I don't know if this is just a me thing or if you all have had this, but whenever you have a thought that comes out at you that you feel negative towards yourself, that thought is going to be recurring. So I've had that thought last week. Well, it's gonna happen again today, it's gonna happen again tomorrow, and it's gonna happen again next week. And so for me, it was a matter of taking that one thought and wrestling it down. And if it came down to saying, okay, no, you're believing in a lie that maybe someone has said about you or that you have a preconceived idea about you, you need to stop believing in that lie and here's why. Or if it's true and I need to change, start making that change. Gotcha. Because then when the next day comes and that thought comes back, I already have the answer to that thought. I don't have to reprocess that whole thought. That thought already has already been finalized. So if it comes down to, you know, hey, what did I work through in my divorce? Okay, was that my issue? Was that something I need to change? Okay, well, then either one, work on changing that. That way, tomorrow when the thought comes back, you say, No, that thought's not gonna hinder me anymore because I'm already working on it. I'm changing that about myself, or saying, no, that thought's a lie. I'm not gonna believe it. And don't get me wrong, it takes time because, like for me, especially when I was going through divorce, like tons, dozens and dozens of those thoughts. And I had to take numerous nights where I never slept, numerous nights, like all these times that I had to wrestle these thoughts. And sometimes I had to journal it. Sometimes I had to work on it for an hour and then get away and distract myself, then come back to it and keep thinking about it. But the significant change for me, where it became an encouragement to me, was finalizing those thoughts when I had them so that they didn't drown me.

SPEAKER_01:

That's what I was about to say. You worked through them and you wrestled them down to a place where you could there was an end point and then you move forward. I have not been able to get to that place for myself because if even if it's like a negative thought I made up in my own head, which most of them are, um, or if it's something, a negative thought that's actually true, I cannot, I can't, it just keeps cycling. It's just a it just cycles through. I may forget about it for a little while, but it always comes back. So this is something I very, very, very much struggle with. Very much.

SPEAKER_05:

But I almost think it's that's the importance of having somebody in your life who is like honest with you, like real and honest.

SPEAKER_06:

It goes that you're almost like, hey, is this the truth or is this a live made my- Bro, you and I, like, okay, my divorce was like what two years ago?

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06:

And not three months ago in this room after recording, we stayed till like one o'clock in the morning. Like, just in me, I got crazy emotional that night because I'm like, dude, I am resurfacing these things I thought I dealt with, and it's hitting me upside the head like crazy. Yeah. And I mean, seriously like, I mean, I'm just not gonna lie, I was balling my eyes out that night. Like I was going through a lot. And I was like, dude, tell me, like, speak truth into me right now. I don't care if it's gonna hurt me. I don't care if it's gonna encourage me, speak the truth so I know where to move forward with. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

That is one thing you're being good at, though.

SPEAKER_06:

Radically change that night was in a massive turning point for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, even just little things. I and I know, I I think you're the greatest thing that there ever was, ever. But like even on the days, most of the days, where I couldn't come up with anything positive to say about myself, and I would talk to you about it, and you would say, You can teach little people to read. Like it was just very what I think are basic things like, well, that's my job, but not everybody can do my job. You know, it was just you're very good at encouraging people by that, and I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_05:

Well, it's you you look at people, it's how you choose to look at people. Like you choose to see the positive, you choose to see the good things in them, or you can choose to see the crap you don't like.

SPEAKER_06:

And you'll always find what you're looking for.

SPEAKER_05:

Right. 100%. 100%. That's such a true statement. And it's so I'm I'm so sick of living in a world where everybody tells us the things we need to change and be like, okay, I get it. We want to we want to improve, want to be better. Like, dude, we're reading the book we talked about last week. Um, comfort crisis. Like, hey, don't be comfortable, keep pushing. Well, I do that so much. Sometimes I lose sight of the things that are now.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

I'm like, this, but let's enjoy the journey. Like this this is a journey we're on. We're like, we're never getting today back. Today's gone.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Like whatever you did today, that's gone. Those those those are memories now. Whatever you get to do tomorrow, you get to pr you get to choose that. You get to predict that. You get to like you, and some things are thrown your way that you don't get to choose. But you know what? You get to choose how to react to it. And so that's the that's the thing that I in relationships and marriage and for yourself, I'm like, bro, just take a minute, take a deep breath, relax, and just focus on some good and encourage each other. Say something sweet, say something positive about your significant other, say something positive about the other person in your life. It's not hard. It takes just a few minutes. You're not that busy. If you say you're too busy, you're I'm sorry, you're just you're that's a lie.

SPEAKER_06:

And you stop stop lying yourself. Trevor Burrus, Jr. Well, and if you look at the difference, there is a book I read, gosh, when I was in college so long ago, uh, The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. Um, I can't even believe I remember who wrote that book. But uh the the concept is this is he's saying, like, if you're on a 10-mile trek and you veer off by one degree to the right, over that 10 miles, you'll be so far off your point. So just that super small shift seems like absolutely nothing. We wouldn't even consider it to be an issue. But over 10 miles, that's tremendous. And you think you say, just focus on the good. Focus on what is encouraging and uplifting, and not only just for you, but maybe your your spouse or your kids or your friendships, your relationships, your co-workers, your boss, focus on what's good. Imagine two years from now what that's gonna look like.

SPEAKER_01:

That's true. My mom has always said about me, I'm a silver lining girl. Like I could be delivered the worst news, and I have been. But even just like things that happen in our family, like she says, I can find the silver lining, which is easy for me to do in a big, like big situation, like a um, you know, overall scenario. And even if I boil it down to, you know, if one of my friends or uh one of our family members is having a hard time, I can find that, but I can't always find that for my own self. So I feel like like I know we've been talking about and maybe this is unpack. We usually kind of talk about where we want to unpack before we get here, but here we are.

SPEAKER_06:

I feel like we've kind of been unpacking progressively, excuse me.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like for unpack, like I know we've been talking a lot about solitude and self-talk and those kinds of things, but I feel like a really big thing is whether it's your spouse or a friend or a teammate or a coworker or just a trusted somebody that can help you help remind you of those good things of your about yourself because I'm sorry. People like me who lose sight of the positive things about my own self daily. I have people like Greg and Michael and our kids, and I have friends and coworkers that can very easily just at the snap of a finger tell me something positive about myself to bring me back on course.

SPEAKER_05:

So here here's so here's here's one thing I would like to here's one thing I would like to do, kind of a shift from what we did last week. Because we said say something uh that you like about yourself. So I would I would say this week, shift. Do it, do it, do still do your 10 minutes of solitude, quiet, no radio, no nothing, just silent, wherever you are, if it's sitting outside, riding in the car, whatever it may be. Um but as a result of that. You okay? Say something you like about someone important in your life. Say something encouraging to them. Whether it's a boss, a coworker, a spouse, if you have a spouse, significant other, somebody you work with, take two people each day and say something encouraging to the actually tell them. Yeah, you can text them, you can say it to their face, uh, text them or say it to their face or whatever. Just two things or just one thing you like about them to two different people each day. It's not that much. No. You're talking about two text.

SPEAKER_01:

That's gonna be so much easier than saying things I like about my own self.

SPEAKER_05:

But I want to encourage you, spend some time alone and think about those things. Like continue to wrestle those thoughts, continue to to spend those, but then say those two things or the the one thing to two different people that are important in your life and just encourage them. And I hope if you're married or you have a single one of those is that person.

SPEAKER_01:

I it may be hard for you to take in what somebody says that's positive about your own self, especially if you view yourself in such a negative light. And that's gonna be part of the challenge too, though. Sometimes just is to be able to see it and say thank you.

SPEAKER_05:

Thank you. It's not wrong to just say thank you. No, it's not. Say thank you. I appreciate that. Like that's an easy thing. Because if we don't start to shift the way we think, the way we see people, the way we see ourselves, it it directly reflects the relationships in our lives, the closest ones to us, all of them that are around us. So um it's a huge shift, but it's a big one. But it's one of those things you have to unpack. You have to unpack it if you want to be healthy.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Uh and you have to face it. And so it's just this is what it is. So are we good with those two challenges? I'm good with that.

SPEAKER_01:

I love it.

SPEAKER_05:

And so I I want to encourage um people, I I want to see this on social media of people encouraging each other instead of the the the reverse of us uh us cutting each other down. So take some time, encourage somebody, uh, give them that avoidance. If someone is uh posting, but you may you may not have to agree with them, that's okay. Uh just if you don't agree with them, you don't like what they're saying, just keep scrolling. That's what uh go somewhere else. But just be encouraging to someone.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

So and lift somebody up. Say something positive. So solitude is it's a beautiful thing. It's a hard thing. Scary thing. It's scary. Oh, it's scary. Um I love it.

SPEAKER_01:

Um I don't love it.

SPEAKER_05:

I today I was working on a rental house and I got there, and um there was this this is weird, it felt really weird. If you would have seen me, you'd be like, This guy's a psychopath. Uh, because I literally just it was cold outside this morning here in Georgia. And I'd been working and I just sat in the chair and the radio was off and everything. I just sat there and it was quiet. And I just sat there for just a few just a little while and just listened. It was just kind of just trying to take it all in. It was kind of you enjoy that. I do.

SPEAKER_01:

I do not.

SPEAKER_06:

I did that in the car today. I was I drove about five hours today, and for about an hour I just radio off, music off, everything off.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah. Just be in your thoughts, man. Be good, be okay with yourself. Sit in that. That's a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you to our friends who are going on this journey with us.

SPEAKER_06:

Yes. So please. Yeah, and I would encourage you, like, if this is out of your comfort zone, like for our listeners, like try it.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

If it's if it makes you uncomfortable, that's more of a reason to do it.

SPEAKER_06:

Yes.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, that's even more of a reason to do it. If you're comfortable doing it, then that's an easy thing. Like, do something that makes you kind of all uh feel uncomfortable. Yeah. So, but thank you guys for joining us. Uh thank you for continuing to spread the word. Um, we keep we keep growing, we keep reaching different countries, different cities.

SPEAKER_06:

Hegan, isn't this week over 2,000 downloads for us? Yeah. We're over 2,000.

SPEAKER_01:

2,000 pretty big. And we're in 13 countries now.

SPEAKER_05:

Over 175 cities. That's wild. All over the place. We sure would see.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe we should say this at the beginning of a podcast. We sure would love to hear from some of you folks. Fu fukes. I have a cough drop in my mouth. Some of you folks that are listening.

SPEAKER_05:

That means people. All you guys. Folks, folks. Which is a very southern term.

SPEAKER_01:

You're gonna make me cough again.

SPEAKER_05:

So uh like we really be. And if you've listened this long, thank you. Uh you can uh you can shoot us a text from the podcast. Uh you can catch us on all our socials wherever we're at. Make sure to connect with us. If you have something you want to talk about, let us know. Uh thanks for sharing. Thanks for uh subscribing, for following us on all of our platforms. And we're just gonna keep recording and keep producing as long as you keep listening and keep sharing. Yes. Yeah. So thank you guys. And um, you know, go dogs.

SPEAKER_01:

Go dogs.

SPEAKER_05:

Go dogs. Oh, we got a big game this week, isn't it? We did.

SPEAKER_01:

Georgia, Florida. Yeah, so it's Gator Hater.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, beautiful game. Love it. Oh, yeah. So uh thank you guys. Have a uh have a good rest of your day and uh change some loves. Yeah. So you guys, see you all.

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Greg & Jess

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