Baggage Claim

When One of You Has 10% and the Other Has 90%

• Greg and Jess • Season 1 • Episode 38

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What if the real math of marriage isn’t 50-50 at all? We dive into why counting chores and comparing effort creates distance, and how shifting to commitment and service brings couples back to the same side. Instead of aiming for perfect balance every day, we talk honestly about bandwidth: some days you’ve got 10 percent, others you’ve got 90. The key is staying all in, naming the season you’re in, and choosing habits that protect the “us.”

We share stories from our home—missteps, messy moments, and small wins—that show how language shapes love. Banning the D-word changes how you see conflict. “Burn the ships” removes the escape hatch and orients you toward repair, not retreat. And a single weekly question—“How can I better serve you this week?”—can transform the vibe from keeping score to building trust. We break down practical ways to serve in what actually matters to your partner: time, tasks, talk, touch, and trust. No grand gestures required, just consistent, targeted care.

We also tackle money and shared responsibility. Separate accounts and hidden backup plans often mask thin trust; a better path is shared visibility, clear roles, and a short weekly rhythm for calendars, finances, and household load. You’ll get simple exercises to replace blame with teamwork, including a five-action challenge that focuses on what fills your partner’s cup, not yours. By the end, you’ll have a playbook for moving from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the issue,” and a language that keeps commitment at the center.

If this conversation helped, tap follow, share it with a friend who needs a nudge toward unity, and leave a quick review to help others find the show. Your stories and questions shape future episodes—send them our way.

SPEAKER_03:

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_03:

What's up, everybody? Welcome to Baggage Claim. This is a place where we'd like to have some conversation and hopefully create some community around the idea or the thoughts of relationships, marriage, and blended family, all those fun things. If you're new here, thanks for joining us. If you're a regular, you know, this is the part where you get to grab your favorite drink, uh, whatever that may be, if it's coffee, if it's been a hard day, whatever that is, pull up to the table with us, take a deep breath, and just enjoy some good conversation. Hopefully you this is after you deep breath. Yeah, just as little stress tonight. So we um just finished Thanksgiving, and there's there's so much we could unpack from Thanksgiving's. And uh always. Yeah, we're not gonna unpack that right now, not in this episode. Um, but we just want to say also to uh one of our listeners, so he's been listening to us since we started, uh, sent us one of the actual clip things that you start. We should probably figure out what the actual name of that thing is. Yeah, I don't even know what that thing is. The movie clip. Like the movie clip thing, so we can snap to actually start video and audio and all that together. No, now we've been clapping and we've moved up. And we just want to say thanks, Tony. I feel like we've really made it big now, Tony.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you, Tony.

SPEAKER_03:

We're going public. Now Jess doesn't laugh every time the platform is. Jess quit laughing, so I don't know what that means. She doesn't think that's funny anymore. But um anyway, thank you, Tony. We really appreciate that. It has been.

SPEAKER_01:

When you clap your hands or whoever it is, whoever's turn it is, it's always funny. But that the clapboard is very like official. Very serious.

SPEAKER_04:

It's known as a slate.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, a slate.

SPEAKER_03:

A slate. A slate clapboard. Thank you, Miranda.

unknown:

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Maybe one day I'll get up here at your microphone. Maybe one day we'll give you a microphone. You slow down there, cow girl, all right? Slow down.

SPEAKER_02:

Like 20 episodes before I got one.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_03:

Mike was looking, I wrote sound. I could have plugged it up from day one if I wanted. Well, let's uh let's jump into our um our fun stuff before we uh get too far in.

SPEAKER_04:

So this is just uh babe.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you, great question.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you. I appreciate that. Sorry, man, I'm struggling.

SPEAKER_01:

Dramatic. Okay. I'm a passionate guy. Would you rather have a fiery dragon or a magical unicorn as a pet?

SPEAKER_02:

Ooh, I was a huge Game of Thrones fan. So I know I'm I'm digging that dragon. Yeah, I kind of go with dragon so I can ride that bad boy. Yeah, do I get to get to the dragon as a baby? Like I raise it. So you have to raise it.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like you can you can watch Game of Thrones?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, because it'll eat me otherwise. Yeah, it will eat that.

SPEAKER_01:

I think you have to raise it from a baby.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. And a unicorn? If it's a magical unicorn, a horse with a horn on its head. It's like a cow and a few.

SPEAKER_01:

First of all, yes, it's magical.

SPEAKER_02:

I can do a magic can I finish my that might change my answer if it does.

SPEAKER_01:

That's where I was going. My magical unicorn can have powers. And what if the powers that I tell it to have is being a fire breathing?

SPEAKER_02:

But I don't think you can. And it's a dragon. It's not even.

SPEAKER_01:

No, it's still a magical unicorn. It's a fire-breathing unicorn.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, that just sounds weird and uncool. I'm still going with fire breathing dragon. Yeah, I got a fire-breathing dragon.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm going with a magical unicorn.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

She's magical.

SPEAKER_02:

All right. Well, we're tied. I'm magical. Thomas, what's your answer? Doing a fire-breathing dragon. Dragon wings. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03:

Dudes do dragons. Girls ride the little ponies with the horns.

SPEAKER_01:

When did this become a competition?

SPEAKER_03:

Always a competition, Jessica.

SPEAKER_01:

It's a good company. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Do we have one more? Or we better jump in.

SPEAKER_01:

Um I was going to do a serious one, but I'm not going to do that because it'll take too long. That'll be out. No. Okay, here's another one.

SPEAKER_03:

Would you do a serious?

SPEAKER_02:

Do a serious, but we'll keep our answers short. How's that? Short answers so we can dive in.

SPEAKER_01:

Would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

SPEAKER_02:

Ooh, that's rough. I don't want to know the date of my death. No cause. And I also don't want to know the cause of my death.

SPEAKER_03:

I want to know.

SPEAKER_01:

This is the one I was going to skip, and you're like, no, do it.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, so really second part of that question. If you could pick a way to die, how would you die?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my God. In my sleep. And you're oh so Thomas has an answer?

SPEAKER_03:

I know. Mine would be like skydiving or jumping off a cliff. I want to, I mean, you're ending with like how would you what would you say? You're like adrenaline's going.

SPEAKER_02:

Drowning.

SPEAKER_01:

Drowning?

SPEAKER_02:

Drowning is like the most peaceful way, isn't it? No. Because the moment you inhale water, everything just goes out.

SPEAKER_03:

Like you don't know, there's a choking moment there. There's a couple seconds there, like there's a time period where you don't go and you're gone.

SPEAKER_01:

That's not how I want to just in my sleep. I don't I'm not gonna know.

SPEAKER_03:

But you're gonna feel like you're gonna feel the oxygen leaving your body. If I'm running 150 miles an hour and I hit the ground, it's pretty quick. Yeah, but you're also like my luck, I would hit something and live.

SPEAKER_01:

I'd bounce bounce off the swamp. If you die immediately, no.

SPEAKER_03:

What I would still choose the cause of my death. Okay, yeah, I would give a cause. That was very morbid.

SPEAKER_01:

I wasn't gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03:

And yours wasn't, Greg. Oh, sorry, yeah, it was.

SPEAKER_01:

The date you want to know the date. Yeah. I think I would probably lean towards want to know the date.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I guess if I knew the date, then I could literally do whatever I want. You could. I would have a much more free life if I knew the date than if I knew the cause. Unless it was like three days from when you found out. And then you could be damn while you're gonna do it. Or maybe if I found out that it was three days from now, so I would go live it up, and that's what caused me to be in the hospital for three days.

SPEAKER_01:

You could not gonna die. Yeah, you could do that whole uh we'd be invincible for that amount of time. You'd be like Deadpool. You'd just do all these things and your body would just put itself back together.

SPEAKER_03:

It's so fun that none of this has anything to do with relationships or uh marriage, but it does have to do with the right.

SPEAKER_01:

There's so many good questions on here that we'll save them for later.

SPEAKER_03:

So I have I have a good question, and and it's kind of the basis of our conversation here today, and hopefully to add some input. And this is going to be very interactive. So there's gonna be a lot of back and forth, Michael, anybody else involved?

SPEAKER_01:

Thomas and Miranda, you could jump on the phone.

SPEAKER_03:

Even if you you guys that are there, we'd love to say we'd want you to get involved, but so far you guys are just blowing up our social media.

SPEAKER_02:

Social media feeds. It's so much we can't respond to.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, can't respond. I can't respond to any of them because I don't have any of them. Anyway, I'm just kidding. I'm not bitter. Uh I do want to talk to you guys. It's passion. Drama. So we did address we did add another country, so um, that's pretty awesome. And we are working toward um our live event for our 50th episode. So I hope we can have some folks there and it's not just us sitting sitting there. Talking to each other?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, I know. Just in a different location.

SPEAKER_02:

If it is just us there, we're gonna have one heck of a time. It is as we always do. And I will pay somebody to show up and ask a question. If we all chip in like five bucks, we can get at least one person.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. No, bro, who's$20 if you walk in here and ask us a question?

SPEAKER_01:

I'll write it down on a note card for you. You don't even have to think of it.

SPEAKER_03:

So here's my I've I've probably done, I don't know, 15 weddings in my time um over the years. Some have been incredibly interesting, some have been very formal, some uh very informal. I've done our kids' weddings, the ones that are married so far, uh, which has been fun. They were both by done weddings, you mean you officiated. I officiated the weddings, yes. Yeah, that's a great way to say it. Thank you. That's a big deal. Um they were two completely different experiences. One was completely off the cuff, and the other one I called off the cuff in the rain. Yeah, I had no notes, no nothing. It was pouring down rain. Um then the other one I called my son-in-law uh our son's name, Cody.

SPEAKER_01:

Like Kelly and Cody are gonna get married, and we're like, No.

SPEAKER_03:

And then I was like, oh. So anyway, we have these. This is enough about how stupid I am. Let's talk about something else. And so um, we have these things we always say at marriages, and we're, you know, we're preparing for you know the what's to come and what's out there. But I've heard this phrase a lot in premarital counseling, and and I always just thought it was dumb and it really didn't make sense. But I want us to kind of dig into it tonight and talk about it and what does it mean in real life scenario that we hear this phrase marriage is 50-50. So agree, disagree. Uh if you agree, tell me why. If you disagree, tell me why. Uh go.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I mean, you just really built that up. I was like, it's dumb when people say that.

SPEAKER_03:

No, I didn't say it was dumb. I just said I I never really understood it, but I I'm open for suggestions.

SPEAKER_01:

So Well, I mean, before I even give my opinion, um if you look at it like this, do you do you, as my husband, want 50% of my effort?

SPEAKER_02:

Ooh, good question.

SPEAKER_03:

I've never heard of it posed like that. Well, it depends on what we're talking about. If it's 50% of your effort on cutting the grass, you can do the front yard or the backyard. Right. You can do the totally, I blow 50% of that effort. Yeah. I mean, you could have blown half the gutters out or half the um No, I mean, when you think about it that way, it's kind of it's kind of silly to be like, oh, you know, if you showed up at work, you'd be like, all right, boss, I'm gonna give you 50% today. Not many people are gonna be excited that you're there participating in that. But I mean, it's something we say, why do we say that then?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. I think maybe just because like literal logic is 50 and 50 go together to give 100%. But I feel like if I'm not I don't know, I'm jumping ahead to giving my opinion, but that's the this is the part where you do this.

SPEAKER_03:

Your podcast is the part of the card. This is your podcast, so you can give your opinion.

SPEAKER_01:

But I I think I I should be giving you my my full effort, my 100% is what I should be giving to you. I'm not only giving you 50 with hopes that you're gonna give 50 and we're just gonna somehow make it. You know?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. But I uh Michael, you have some because I have something on that though, but uh because I don't even know that that's realistic either.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't think I do but well, and that's what I've heard is like you know, you hear just being in church and also doing like tech production music. Like you I've been to multiple marriage conferences, things like that. People like no, it's not 50-50, it's 100% to zero. Like, you know, both sides should be bringing a hundred percent. And that makes sense, but also going to what Greg was saying, I I feel like that's not always realistic.

SPEAKER_03:

No, I'm I I would be pissed if I only got to if I'm thinking you're not putting anything into this, right? Yeah, like, oh, you put 100% and I'm gonna put a hundred percent, wink wink, like like how does that but but the the the thing is, like, if and we could pull up studies and look at those things and saying how how many times in our life, like how many days, because have we been 100% have we nailed everything? How many days have it been like? I mean, let's just think about let's just okay, let's take the last two weeks of our lives and go, okay, let me think about the last two weeks. How many days did I just nail it? Like I was 100% on my game. 100% all day. All day, every day. Yeah, in my relationships, my communication. Yeah, I didn't I can't remember one of those days. I'm I maybe I'm I mean, I'm pretty good, so I I think I'm above average.

SPEAKER_01:

You're so humble, dude.

SPEAKER_02:

I will say I did have last week I had a crazy day and I like dominated that sucker. And it's I feel like that was a good day, but even then So you made it in the 90s though. Yeah, I did I could see that like 80s, 90s, something like that. Yeah, but even then that was like I was wore out. Like I came home and like crashed, like just was done.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, because if you're giving 100%, that means I have nothing left.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely nothing.

SPEAKER_03:

Like at the end, I'm done. Like I'm spent. That's like I used 100% of the gas in my engine, it's now done. My car's done.

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, so it's it's it's it's an interesting concept for me when we talk about relationships and we talk about the whole percentages and the the ideas of 100% or 50-50.

SPEAKER_01:

And um I was just thinking about like when I went back to school and our four who what did you just do?

SPEAKER_03:

Something popped in my glass. Did you hear that?

SPEAKER_01:

You hit yourself in the mouth, no.

SPEAKER_03:

Something exploded in my cup.

SPEAKER_01:

I was thinking about when I went back to school and the kids were like middle school ages and everybody doing a sport. I had a full-time job, you had a full-time job. And also I was going back just to college, and there were days where I had gone to work all day and then I'd had to well, most days actually, I would come home and have hours of homework to do um in between dinner and sports and all the things. And during that span of our life, that what two years?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um I mean, I wasn't given 100% to everything all the time because I had a different focus for that. It felt like forever, but that short span of our life, I had to give the most attention to my school work and that you had to like double, triple your efforts in all the other places. So I mean, there's been spans of times where I I know I haven't given you 100%, but and when those times have happened, it's kind of like you you cranked it up to give even more.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. But I think that's the that's the interesting thought here behind all of that. It's like if we s uh for me, uh just my gut kind of tells me if I'm looking at things in percentages, because I've I've owned three, four businesses in my life. Some by myself and some I had partners. And when you partner, it's um it's they always say um every every advice I've ever, every business advice I ever got said no one should ever be 50-50. Somebody should be 51, somebody should be 49. Somebody has to be able to one to make the decision and be done. So it's always like, don't go into a partnership uh in business 50-50. Like it's never a good idea. And so when I hear all this in relationships, that's what my mind automatically goes to is like, ah, God, that just feels weird. But then also, too, all the business advice, and I would give this the advice to anybody starting a business with a partner. The very first thing you do when you start a business with a partner is you figure out what your exit strategy is gonna look like. Uh from day one, you decide what it's gonna look like and feel like when we separate.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, which sounds like one of those really unfun things to do, but it's like we're not gonna be emotional because it's literally running a business with someone is like being married. It's it's there's so much to that. But so many times we look at marriage the same way we look at business in us, because then we keep score. Like you did what you did this, you contributed this, you didn't contribute that, you contributed this. And then it just it feels like it. My gut says you just whittle it down to score keeping. Yeah, then it just becomes like a well, you did this, and you did that.

SPEAKER_02:

You think of like 50-50 or 100-zero, like that doesn't have anything anything to do with commitment either. Like it's separating because I think that that brings you to look at uh the actions, it brings you to look at the chores, it brings you to look at maybe the money, who's bringing in what.

SPEAKER_01:

Like I was just gonna say, like today, uh for an example, um if we were keeping score, you would be way ahead. Like today. Today, yeah, you worked on my Jeep trying to change the brakes, you cleaned the shower, like there's like a list of things that you accomplished today. Our background's falling down around us. When when I was like quote unquote, I was just at work.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But like as well.

SPEAKER_03:

I just wanted them to be done. Um I didn't look at them in a way of Right.

SPEAKER_01:

But like Michael said, if you go, if you look at stuff uh in a scorekeeping frame of mind, I mean you could literally be like, Well, I did all those things and you haven't done anything today for the house or for me, or you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

That's dangerous.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. So you say it's commitment.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I say when I when yes, because when you look at that, like that changes a lot of how you perceive all these small things. Whereas if you're looking at commitment, I think it changes the mindset of being like, hey, this might be a crazy season, you know, I might be pulling more of the weight, quote unquote. But next season the other person might be carrying more of the weight. Like it it's an ebb and flow.

SPEAKER_03:

So what if that season turns into a norm? Like um just what if? I'm just saying. I know there's lots of these opportunities where people go, man, I feel like I go home and I work all day and I come home, and then I I gotta do dinner, then I gotta clean up, and then I gotta do this, and then I gotta do yard work, and I gotta do and it's goes on and on and on. It's like, okay, well, maybe that for if it's for a season, that changes our perspective. But when that's just life, yeah, what then? How do you how do you navigate that? What does that look like? Well, I think And that's not rhetorical. That I'm looking for answers.

SPEAKER_02:

No, okay, so I'll bring an answer. If you are looking at it in the terms of 50-50 or 100% zero, then yeah, you that is gonna lead to a lot of frustrations, and that frustration is like how does that come out? Um but and it takes me to a book that we read, Crucial Conversations, whenever you're going through hard conversations, always stay on point, always go after your goal before you even get into a hard conversation. What is your what is your end game? What are you trying to get out of this? So when I look at this context in the same way, what are you trying to get out of it? Ultimately in your marriage, uh it's long term until that is hard, it's a it's a lifelong commitment. So when you look at it in terms of that 50-50 or whatnot, I think that can lead to frustrations that lead to arguments that are simply just arguments about uh chores or arguments about that. Whereas if you are looking at it as in commitment and you can sit down and have those conversations with an understanding and a mutual trust and agreement by saying, Hey, we're both committed to this, that together, whatever we're facing, we are going to do together. That just simply comes down to uh communication and understanding where each other's at, to say, uh, hey, I know it's kind of been a season of this, I've been doing a lot more. It would be nice to get some help.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, or it would be nice to take a that's a big, big question to ask. Because that one question could or just that statement, asking. Yeah, you could have kicked a snowball down the hill and just watch what happens. Very much so, very much so. It's like, oh my gosh. But again, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_01:

What do you mean you'd like some help? I've been doing this.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, in saying this is a together thing. It's not a me versus you, how much have I done versus how much you've done, but it is a together thing.

SPEAKER_03:

Because I I I think it's a mindset issue. Like it's it's really interesting. Oh man. More of our decorations behind us. Now it's just one big loop. We got a big loop.

SPEAKER_01:

It's even now.

SPEAKER_03:

We're doing some Christmas decorations.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh I did what you said!

SPEAKER_03:

She did just ripped it.

SPEAKER_01:

I did what you said. Yeah, put that there.

SPEAKER_03:

That's just what just matched.

SPEAKER_01:

I did.

SPEAKER_03:

This is just how we roll up in here.

SPEAKER_00:

Born gently.

SPEAKER_01:

I did what you said, Miranda. Hey, I love it. Oh, perfect. So one thing is that simply you crap. Yeah, we'll put a link.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, we'll put a link for socials if you'd like to get some of this. It's a very Christmas. Sorry, if you're listening, now I have a garland wrapped.

SPEAKER_01:

Christmas garland handmade by Miranda.

SPEAKER_03:

It's Greg's Christmas garden. We forget sometimes that everybody's watching us, they're just listening to us.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, okay, I forgot how we even got to where we're going.

SPEAKER_03:

Garland, garland, not garlic. What is happening?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my gosh. But when we have been in those seasons where you were pulling more of the weight or I was pulling more of the weight, or whatever, the the thing that helped us survive those is lots and lots of communication.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Lots of intentional time. Yeah. Like making sure we spend time. But there's there's couples out there who don't have any of that, who aren't doing any of that.

SPEAKER_01:

And they're just doing it's like you can't start in your head now that you have the garlic.

SPEAKER_03:

There's a lot, there's a lot of there's a lot of garlic, but it's kind of caught me in the ear, scared me a little bit. But like we it's the same idea, though. Like we had couples that we've known that have separate bank accounts. And I'm like, okay, help me under what are you doing?

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

They're like, well, they can't manage their money. And I was like, well, that's your money. So like it doesn't matter. Like if you're gonna be broke, be broke together. If you're gonna have money, have money together.

SPEAKER_01:

It's more fun when you're broke together.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, it's the idea, like, it's like, okay, so what how does that how does uh for me it just baffles my mind because I'm like, how in the world are you moving forward in a committed relationship when you're separate? Yeah, yeah. Like you, you, you have like that's just saying, I'm not, I don't know. I don't know the way I trust you. Yeah, I'm not, I don't, I don't know about that. Like I trust you with these other things, but not with the money. Right. I don't know about that. And uh it's just one of those weird things for me. I'm like, bro, if you can't combine your checking accounts because you don't trust each other, we need to stop right there and have a conversation around that. Like we need to resolve that. We need to wrestle that to the ground and unpack that before we move on.

SPEAKER_01:

But moving forward with uh is marriage 50-50 or not? There uh this song can actually came on when we were eating dinner. There's a song, it's a country song. I guess you'd call it country. It's 90 10. And the chorus is give me you on your worst days, I'll give you my best. Um when you only got 10, help me. 90, I'll give you uh or something giving 10 and I'll give you the 90 that's left. Or um It's uh who sings it? Muscadine bloodline.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, muscadine blood.

SPEAKER_01:

But I can't remember the exact chorus, but it's talking about if you've only got 10% that day, I'll give you the 90 that's left. And I mean, that really is kind of what we're talking about because there's there was those days and there have been days where I've only got I've got literally I'm I'm I'm walking up to you if I got 10 to give. 10% is all I got today. And I I don't think I do as good of a job as you do, but you you'll step up and give that rest that what's needed. Um you've always been really good about that. But I think I think it's just you're selfless when it comes to that.

SPEAKER_03:

But what if what if? No, this is a big what if. What if we shifted the mindset of marriage? Like what if we just from the word go? The Bible tells us that this is the uniting of two people, that you're no longer two, but you're one. So one being, I can't separate myself from myself. Like I am one. Like what I do to myself, I do to you. What you do to your it's like it's just that same thing. What if the mindset shifted in the because I'm all about how we think and how we see things. Then we started talking about the idea of um burn the ships. And if you don't know the idea or the story behind that, was yeah, Cortez, a guy who was exploring, uh, I think he was a Spanish explorer. Yeah, exploring hit Mexico and basically told everybody else, hey, just burn the ships, because we are going, we're not going anywhere else but here. Like we have landed and this is it. We're gonna make this work. Um, and you may look at that and go, that's really cheesy. It's really not. It's really not. Like you're like, I'm no matter because if I don't care if you're new to me, if you're brand new, get married, congratulations. Thank you for finding us if you're brand new. If you're seven years in, you know what I'm about to say. You're gonna you're gonna get pissed at each other, you're gonna get mad at each other, you're gonna get frustrated at each other. That's called relationships, that's called wife. Um, and if I always have the idea that I have a way out, I automatically start looking for that way out. And and and it just changes the way that we when I'm all in, it changes everything.

SPEAKER_01:

The way you approach everything.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, and it's like the grass is always greener. If you're sitting here and it's not good and you're saying, oh my gosh, I've got an exit, I've got an out. Oh man, it just I don't have to stay in this.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, yeah, it's it's always easier to quit.

SPEAKER_03:

It's it that whole grass is greener thing, I've always thought was interesting.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a weird analogy. Because it's not always the grass is greener.

SPEAKER_03:

No, there is some greener grass out there. It's greener where you water it. But because they they've Justin Bieber quote.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh my gosh. It's it's greener because they've worked to make it you work at it. Yeah, they've fertilized it, they do all the work that it takes to make it look like that. If you want yours to look that way, then work at it.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Like that's what that's that's what it's called. Like it's relationship. If if this is news to you, I am so distraught. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01:

You've got to you've got to take that garland off for yourself. You won't turn your head.

SPEAKER_03:

If if your relationships, if this is news, I'm sorry. Relationships are work. They're not fun always. No, they're not. And if you're looking for sunshines and rainbows and unicorns all the time, sorry. There's dragons there too. Uh, and they like to burn stuff up down, and sometimes it's not fun. Uh so that's just that's just life. That's just relationships. They what we want to help provide is ways to help navigate that, give you tools to kind of we want to help you burn your boats.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So you're not trying to find a way out, but to actually work together.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and ultimately that's that's the first step in order to say, I really want this marriage to work, is like, okay, well, I'm not going anywhere else. Like, I'm not looking anywhere else. And I told you we were we drove down to Florida uh when this airs. It was this past weekend, but when this airs, it'll be a couple weeks from now to see our kids, um, our our grown kids, a couple of our grown kids in Florida. Um, and we were having this conversation on the way down, and I was like, I think when we give things a name or we give them a place, it it starts to affect how we see things. For instance, um, well, I was running one time. I was trying to do a lot of running. I was like, as I was running, if I ever get to the point where I'm like, dude, my knee really hurts. When I start and I give that something and I said, My knee hurts. Oh, this is in my mind, you give me 15 minutes from now, I can tell you how it is a horrible idea for me to keep running that I probably could become paralyzed and have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Right. So I should just not even just run, I should stop walking and just sit down and take a break. Yes. Um, because that's what we do. Everything falls into that category. And we start putting all of our attention. Well, the same is true in our in our relationships, especially in our marriage. Like, don't ever use the word divorce.

SPEAKER_04:

No.

SPEAKER_03:

Like if you're at the point where you're gonna say, Oh, I'm gonna throw around divorce or I'm gonna call a lawyer, then what happens is every time something goes wrong, every time that there's a doesn't go your way, speed bumper, yeah, you you automatically start looking for excuses. Maybe we just shouldn't be together on that divorce. Yeah. It's the same thing. But we do it over and over and over and again. It's like, bro, so when I say I understand the whole I'm 100% in, like I'll give you 100%. I can't give you 100%, but I can guarantee you this I'm not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Like I'm I'm gonna be here. Uh there may be days where I don't want to get off the couch, but I'm gonna be on the couch.

SPEAKER_01:

But there may be days where I don't really want to talk a whole lot.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But But I mean I don't like you. Yeah. Just I don't really have a lot of words to give.

SPEAKER_03:

And so it's this crazy thing, though, that we in marriage is that we overanalyze all of those things and we just and we look at it as this, uh well, I wash the dishes and I cleaned the floors, and you haven't done any of that. So how do we Okay, let's get to unpack. So are are we at an unpack place? Can we do that?

SPEAKER_02:

Or is there something else you want to add? No, I mean I think following through all of this is going to all be unpacking. So let's discuss. Okay, so now we need to take a minute.

SPEAKER_03:

So I'm all in.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so

SPEAKER_03:

And I'm doing ninety percent of the stuff and ten percent all the time.

SPEAKER_02:

Well I think first off the question is have you both uh been able to articulate and communicate that you're both all in? And what does that look like? What does all then look like? Well, to me it's burning the ships, you know, and and I is something we we talked about a little bit ago, you know, this concept, like say you got this big old melting plot between you and your spouse, right? You're standing on one side and they're standing on the other, and you're like, okay, here's, you know, I'll give you X amount of this, and then what we put in the middle is what we share and what we do together. Well, I may be holding on to anything, and it could be anything from, oh, I I still got a chance to go live a single lifestyle if I need to, or if I want, you know, I can that's my back backup plan. Or I mean it could be as much as having someone that you're like, oh, well, there's still a backup plan. It could be anything, but no, that melting pot is what you were saying earlier, the two become one, and what becomes one is inseparable. So when you're looking at that melting pot in front of you to both mutually say, I am putting all of me inside this melting pot.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I was gonna say, um, when you're thinking about, you know, what percent of 50, 50, 100, whatever. I think the big part of it is is can you be really honest with yourself of what you are actually giving?

SPEAKER_04:

That's good.

SPEAKER_01:

Like I wanna be able to say I'm giving you 100% every day, but can I also be honest with myself to be like, but are you really? I mean, that that that's hurt get that's hurtful to your own thinking because we want to think better of ourselves, but if your spouse or your significant other is asking, like, I need more, or you know, can we meet in the middle more often or whatever the case may be? No, but you're too proud to really think about, okay, what am I actually giving? Um, am I giving enough to where they can even recognize it?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. So would this be a crazy unpack exercise? What if you wrote down everything you've done in the last week? Is that does that fall into score counting?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, I think so.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm just spitballing you. I'm throwing stuff on the wall to see what happens.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, if we're doing something like that, it would almost be like write down the things you're willing to give up for your spouse.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Because I'm uh the the idea is like self-awareness is a huge part. I mean, that's the first step into making a change. In some people's heads, if they're at 10%, they may be like, bro, I am giving so much.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And just like, eh, are you really? Like, um, I do like the idea though. I think it's more helpful to ask the question, what have I done to support my significant other this way?

SPEAKER_01:

That's what I was about to say. What maybe even, and it it might be hard for you to do because again, it's self-awareness, but um what have you done? Can you name like maybe five things that you've done that really matter to the other person? Because there's things that you do for for me that speak to my heart that don't really do much for you. And I would say this versa.

SPEAKER_03:

Like 100%. I unclog the shower and clean the shower because you really, really wanted it to. Uh-huh. And it wasn't, it was dirty, it was nasty. Um, but I didn't, I mean, there was a thousand other things I wanted to do. No, but I did that because I knew you said, I'm gonna do that when I get home. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna do that now so you don't have to do it when you get home.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, and it wasn't like I was expecting anything in return. I just wanted to do that to take that off your plate.

SPEAKER_01:

So So can our listeners name some things that they've done lately just for that?

SPEAKER_03:

So how about this? Yeah, okay. So write down five for the last week, write down five. Yeah. That's not even one every day. That's five out of seven. Like I did something um for my significant other. Like, did something for them just for that. I mean, I think that's a good place to start, to start the conversation. And this is where you had to be very careful. I think it's very important to start the conversation. And that's where I would like for us maybe to roll into maybe the next few episodes uh to talk about roles and responsibilities and expectations and how those, because those things play hand in hand with the same.

SPEAKER_01:

And we're talking about what percent are you giving? And if if what you're giving is not actually something that they want to receive or something that speaks to them, it's like, is that really giving? Like, are you just kind of going through the motions?

SPEAKER_02:

It is okay to ask your spouse how to best love them. Oh, yeah, and how to best support them.

SPEAKER_01:

We've revisited that conversation hundreds of times.

SPEAKER_03:

That was one thing um that I caught too. Charlie Kirk used to write his wife a note every day, every week, the end of the week, and uh he would ask her the question, How can I better serve you? Yeah, how can I better serve you this week? And I was like, that's so powerful. What if we asked, like literally every every week at the at the end of that, whether it's Saturday or Sunday, you asked your spouse, how can I better serve you this week? Because I want to do that. Uh that alone is a is a is a mind shift. It is. Um, and uh it just changes it from you to to someone else, which makes a huge difference in how how how you do everything. So 50-50 is crap.

SPEAKER_02:

Is that what I'm hearing? Well, and if I can even I would agree, yes, but even going on what you said, how can I serve you? That changes your entire heart motivation as to why you do what you do.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's what I was trying to say, which I'm so grateful there's more than just my mind here. But serving and giving, I feel like go hand in hand. And so when we're talking about what are you giving to your marriage, to your spouse, it I mean, it basically does boil down to how are you serving one another.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, well, and if you're looking at it as an investment, right, then it very easily turns to that 50-50 or wherever you put that number at. But when you turn it to serving, like it changes everything. You do this because I love you, because I want to build you.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, it changes the lens that you're looking at it through, honestly. It really does.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

It's like I'm not just doing this so you won't complain about it, not you specifically, just yeah. I'm I'm not just doing this just to mark it off a list or so you won't nag me to death. No, I'm doing these things because I want to serve you and I want to serve our marriage and for for you know the greater good of our us as a couple, our family, and all of those things. When you change the way you look at it, it changes everything.

SPEAKER_03:

So, guys, I'm gonna give you some. This is free. You don't have to spend me money. Oh, thank God. Yeah. So, you know, you're welcome. I'm gonna start with that. You're welcome. If you want to win, plan, plan a coffee day. If your wife doesn't like coffee, go get her a glass of wine, whatever it may be.

SPEAKER_01:

Or hot chocolate.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, hot chocolate, and just sit down and and ask her that one question. Hey, I love you, and how can I better serve you? Ask that question and then spend the next 30 to 40 minutes just talking about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Ladies, after you answer that question, then you ask the same one and you have to be willing to hear it.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

That's the thing.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and that's uh just ask the question and see what happens. Just start the conversation.

SPEAKER_01:

If you burned your ships when you got married, then you should want to hear what each other has to say.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, when if you burn your ships, it means the two are one. Therefore, anything you do to invest in your spouse is investing in you as well. And both should have that mindset because you're investing in you together as a collective, one unit.

SPEAKER_03:

That's true. Wow. That's good stuff.

SPEAKER_01:

It is.

SPEAKER_03:

So I'm never gonna in premarital go, you should be 50-50 in marriage anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

Don't ever say that again, honey.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, ma'am. I'm kidding. Thank you guys. I just want to say thank you guys so much for joining us to uh today and just listening. Uh, thank you for sharing. Uh, thank you for liking. Please like, subscribe. Uh, all the good stuff we're trying to do we're trying to grow. We have some numbers we're trying to hit. Please share it. Uh, hit the share button. Uh, text us. You can text us from um, I know from Apple Podcasts and from Spotify. Yeah, you can just send us a text if there's something you want to hear, something you want us to talk about. If you agree, disagree, whatever it may be, let us hear it. Um, but thank you so much for taking the time to to be a part of our podcast. And uh thanks for joining Bakers then.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, good dogs.

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