Stop Repeating The Same Fight

Ever notice how a new relationship can start fresh… then somehow you end up having the exact same argument you swore you’d never have again? Tonight we get honest (and a little ridiculous) about why patterns repeat, why “they’re the problem” is rarely the whole story, and how personal baggage quietly runs the show until we finally unpack it.

With Jess out sick, it’s Greg and Michael on the mics, using a tortilla-slap challenge to keep each other accountable while we dig into the real work: becoming healthier people. We break down the five pillars of personal health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial) and how one weak area can drag the others down fast. We also separate mental health from emotional health in plain language, talk about building margin before you hit burnout, and share what coping looks like versus what thriving requires when you’re recovering from divorce, resentment, or recurring intrusive thoughts.

If you’ve been stuck in anxiety spirals, depression resets, money stress, or relationship frustration, you’ll hear practical ways to slow down, grab the reins of your thinking, and choose a healthier response. We wrap with a simple challenge: stay consistently aware, get honest with yourself, and keep people around you who love you enough to tell you the truth.

Subscribe, share this with someone who needs a reset, and leave a review if the framework helps you. What’s the one repeating fight or thought loop you’re ready to break?

Transcript

Welcome And Tonight’s Weird Setup

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

What's up, Baggage Claim? What's up? How are you guys doing today? Make clear, my name's not Baggage Claim. It's Michael. That is Michael. I'm Greg. My name's not Baggage Claim either. But uh if you're new here, thanks for joining us. Um we hope to create some community and some conversations around marriages, blended families, relationships. I just want to warn you, tonight's different. It's gonna be Tonight's gonna be sick awesome. Yeah. All the ladies called in sick. Well, one said they were spending family time. You know, and the other one's sick. So we're like, all right, well, we have the stage. We turn the mics on and the camera, and here we go. So who knows what's gonna happen? So, but have you ever had this thought or this idea of why do I keep having the same arguments over and over and over in relationships? It feels like I'm stuck, that just feels like the same issues keep popping up over and over in every relationship I'm in. Have you ever had that thought question? I mean, if you have and you're you're listening, then I want to encourage you just to hang around because that's what we're gonna unpack today, and that's what we're gonna talk about as we get into baggage claim and get into who it is what we do. But we're with the ladies being gone, you know what?

Michael 1:34

When the cats are gone, the mice will play.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

We're gonna have that's what we're gonna do tonight. And we try to keep this as family friendly as we can. Absolutely. Because that's why I brought my tortillas. Yeah, so we're gonna do sh like every time someone says a phrase, we're gonna do shots. We thought that could get out of control really quick.

Michael 1:51

I can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Uh so we just have our favorite drinks right now on the table. Um, but we're gonna do something else. We have these tortillas. If you're not listening, if you're listening and not watching, we have tortillas, flower tortillas in our hands. So Jess texted a phrase that Michael says a lot.

Michael 2:10

And I don't know what it is. I'm really nervous to find out. She texted me. You're gonna slap me upside the head. And when he says that phrase, I hit him in the face with a tortilla. Likewise, she has also texted me a phrase that Greg says a lot. And whenever Greg says that phrase, I get to slap him upside the head with the tortilla as well.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

And I have a feeling I'm gonna get smacked a lot because I use-too. I use some words a lot on this.

Michael 2:34

Then we have established. You can say it now. We have we have one additional rule because I find ourselves saying the word podcast a lot. A lot. So if we ever say the word podcast tonight, the other person also gets to slap them upside the head with it.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

This may be very entertaining. If you listen, this may be very entertaining to watch.

Michael 2:53

It may not, it may be crap. And Greg's like a brother to me. This could also end out in an all-out fight, too. Yeah, we could just be brawling at the end of it. We'll just see what happens. Like get up and be like, bye. You know what?

SPEAKER_02 3:06

So, anyway, with that being said, I want to say thank you for everyone who's listening. Uh man, we've hit some goals and we're growing at crazy rates. Uh start on that. Five minutes in. Yeah. Could be a little long on this one. Um, but we're we're now in 31 different. No. No, it was more than that. Oh, what was it?

Michael 3:29

Oh, 51 different countries. Which is insane. I didn't even know there were that many countries.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Yeah, I don't know. There's a lot.

Michael 3:36

There's a lot.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

But then uh almost 300, like 296 different cities. Yeah, that jumped like insanely in the last week. Uh thanks everybody for sharing. Thanks for listening. Please keep sharing the podcast. We want it to be free uh to as many people, and the way we make it free is that you like, subscribe, that helps us. Um I listened to a podcast on the way home from the beach, and I had to pay$5.99 to listen to the next five episodes after the first one, and I was mad. I paid it, but I was mad. Um But you still paid it. I still paid it. I don't want you to have to save it.

Michael 4:11

And we don't want you all to be mad. So there we go.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

There we go. And I don't want to have to smack you with a tortilla.

Tortilla Rules And Sharing The Show

Michael 4:16

So with that being said. When are we starting the tortilla slapping? Because we need to. Okay, from this point on. So my question is have I said the phrase already?

SPEAKER_02 4:25

I haven't really been listening. See, that's gonna be listening.

Michael 4:28

I know you said it multiple times already. Dang it. All right, are we doing question time? Let's do questions.

SPEAKER_03 4:36

Question time.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

Oh, so my voice is a little weird. I'm getting over silence and fashion.

Michael 4:40

It's uh it's a lot better when there's more voices involved. It is the ladies really uh we'll uh we'll talk to them later about that. Okay. Okay. Um this is very interesting. Um, and I know you've heard about this book a lot, A Year of Us um by Alicia Munoz.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Munoz, yes.

Michael 4:57

Munoz.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

You can show it to the folks who are watching there.

Michael 5:01

It looks like that.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

It looks just like that. Okay.

Michael 5:04

Um that lemolade. I said limoulade. That lemonade looks very appealing. It does look appealing because it's getting warmer outside. Dude, I could I used to make my own homemade lemonade. We're going off so far off trail already. You can just enter ask a question. These are a couple of questions, but uh I'm asking this. Question number 145. When you're sad, um, what could I say or do that would help you feel more comforted? You want to go grab a drink? That would actually be a really good one, I'm sure, yeah. If it were me, it would be either you want to hit up the driving range.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Yeah, it's a good second one.

Michael 5:52

Um sexy mind. Oh no, you can't read that. She knows your phone's being used over here. I hate she's not feeling well. But um so no, for me it would be going to the driving range or uh just going to play around a golf. Honestly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:16

You never go wrong.

Michael 6:19

Golf and some fireball sounds crazy good right now. Especially with the weather. And whatever that one drink is that you made that one time. The one that we put in the water bottle with the was it Kool-Aid or was it uh Yeah. It was vodka with Skittles, just a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

That is what it was. The Skittles, yeah. And you mix it with Sprite. It's very good. Anyway.

Michael 6:40

Alright, so moving on.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

Enough with our drink favorites.

Michael 6:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

So are you gonna lead us?

Why The Same Fights Return

Michael 6:46

Oh, all right, so for those of you who are listening, I just wrap him upside down. Sorry, I was gonna hit in the face with a tortilla. That was a pretty good hit. We literally had to distance our chairs away so that my hand would not be able to actually hit his face and keep just a tortilla on it. Now I'm nervous because you're gonna be listening ridiculously hard in my mouth. This is gonna be an interesting podcast. So going back to the first question you asked at the very beginning of this episode, um, have you ever had an argument that it feels like you just keep having the same fights, same issues over and over again? Um, specifically tonight, and I mean I'm sure as you guys know, we're gonna chase rabbits. That's especially the two of us, that's who we are. But um, we're talking more specifically focusing on the you aspect of our health and relationships. How am I doing on a personal level? How are you doing? So we've said it on here a thousand times. Yes, the the three tiers.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

Yeah. Uh and the third the first year being the you part. Like if you want to be uh if you want to have a healthy relationship or have a healthy marriage, the key to that is being the healthiest person that you can be. Yes. So key in that. And so you have been uh you went through divorce how many years ago? Oh gosh, was it three years, three, three and a half years? Yeah, it was yes, it was just about so going through that, um we we may dig into that some because I want to know what you've done because you're a lot healthier now than you were when you were through that.

Michael 8:21

Goodness, yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

And the things you process, the things you worked through, the things that you did to become healthier, because just like our last week's episode, The Ghost at the Table, the ghost is those memories, those hurt feelings, those things that we have in our past, we bring to our present relationships. If we don't unpack those and deal with those, they just res resurface.

Michael 8:42

Yeah. Well, and uh absolutely talking about you ourselves, but going to that question you said, are there arguments you have consistently, things that keep recurring? And I don't know why, but the first thing that popped in my mind, because this is something that uh you're grabbing those tortillas awfully quick. You're making me nervous. You're making me nervous, Greg. It's just digest a stress ball. The tortillas must I know, right? The tortillas my stress thing, right? Um But for me, what popped in my mind was do you have personal frustrations that keep getting you over and over and over again? Do the same things frustrate you over and over again? Um, do the same things uh give you depression, same thoughts keep circling inside your mind, um, whether they be um self-doubt thoughts, whether they be thoughts of things you've messed up on, things you've done wrong, whatever that is, you have the same thoughts keep coming at you. Um, because that's specifically something I wrestled with very hard, especially in the first year after my divorce, um, was wrestling down some of those thoughts that just kept, kept coming over and over again. Even when I thought I wrestled them down and they kept coming back, you know. Yeah. Um But I mean, I think that's one, we can talk about that. But I thought just another play on with the um another perspective of that first question you opened up with, specifically as we're talking about the you particular tonight.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Yeah, because if you've been in a relationship and that relationship ended, someone felt wronged, someone felt hurt um in that relationship. If not both. Yeah, whether you ended it um or whether you didn't choose to end it, someone walks away with some animosity, some hurt, some pain. And if that's not dealt with in a healthy way and and and unpacked, um you just drag that into the next relationship and you go in with those same expectations, those same thoughts, and then it's just you're shooting yourself in the foot before you even start the race. And you expect to have a healthy, healthy.

Michael 10:43

And expect to perform well in the race.

Five Pillars Of Personal Health

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Right. It's just not gonna happen. It's just not gonna happen. And so as much as I tell you, you have to focus on the you being the healthiest version of you, whether that's um emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, any of those things.

Michael 11:01

Dude, it wasn't until I was about 27 years old in my life that someone actually sat down and walked through the full scope of personal health. Um, and if if you're listening to this and if you've not had anybody do that with you, but those five things specifically mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health, and financial health, those things are so tied together. And the way it was explained to me was like this is that if any one of these five areas of health fall, it's gonna start pulling down the others. Right. So if your emotional health is really, really weak, your financial health is probably gonna start going down.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Tell me the difference, in your opinion, of what emotional health and mental health. What how do you differentiate the two in your brain or in your head when you're walking through those things?

Michael 11:58

Yeah. Um for me, emotional versus mental, uh, I can have thoughts in my mind that I don't allow to affect my emotions. Okay, such as what? However, there are thoughts in my mind and my mental health that can very much so affect my emotions. So there are there are some things that are very tied together. So today we were talking about some things that I'm working through just with some friendships of mine that that I'm wrestling with right now. And it's not like it's an emotional thing at all. It's a mental thing in a lot of ways. Just because I see how certain aspects are developing, how things have certain circumstances have happened, how I've been treated, how I've been talked to, um, things like that. And it's hard for that to not affect my emotional health.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

You know what's interesting, we were talking. I keep my guard up because I feel like I'm about to get smacked. But um you're having that tortilla so good right now. I'm in ready mode with tortilla. Um what's crazy too is when you're in leadership, like this is from the corporate sense, but this actually goes perfectly well with any relationship. When you've been in a really good, healthy relationship, it's really easy to tell what bad relationships look like.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

When you've been in really good leadership at a company, when you've seen someone who leads well, who loves their people, who who just do a really good job at leading, you you know, you can always find something to nitpick because no one's perfect. But then you go where somewhere where the leadership is just horrible and you're like, oh, it's easy. It's so easy to see. It's like writing up, you're like, how do you guys not see that this is so bad? Uh but people who have never seen good leadership don't know that. There's so many people out there who are living in really jacked up, broken relationships because that's what's been modeled for them or what they've been in. And they've never really seen the healthy side of that to go, no, no, no, there's there's a healthy side to this relationship. Not saying it's I'm not saying you gotta leave the person you're with, they go, they're unhealthy, so I'm leaving them. This is a look at what's unhealthy and go, how do we make this healthy? Like, what do we make make this right? Like, how do we because when you see because but your temptation is, is because I I get this, I've I've heard this before by lots of couples. You see someone who just they're like, Man, their life looks perfect. It looks good. It's not first off, it's not perfect. Uh no one's life is. They go through ups and downs. It's where how they handle those things.

Michael 14:24

It's how I mean they've made it to be as healthy as it is.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Yeah, how they work through them. And if they can laugh when they're broken, laugh when they're they're wealthy, they can they can when they can figure it out, you're like, okay, that's that's what you need. That's what you're chasing, not the we gotta have the boat, the house, the other things, because those just don't satisfy. It's that that deep connection of and you see those couples and you try to dismiss and go, oh, they have every just because everything's easy for them. I promise you, I've never met a couple in my fifty-some odd years of being on this earth and counseled so many married couples in in church and around just outside who have a perfect. I've never met one who said, Oh, we've had a perfect marriage, everything's been great. Yeah. It's just been handed to us. No, no one, whether you think it is or not, has been there. So just mark that off your list.

Michael 15:16

Yeah. And just say that's not true. Going back to those five pillars of health, you know, how do you separate? And you may have a different answer between what's emotional health and what's mental health. Um, to me, the two are actually very, very similar in that they, I think they affect each other the most more than any of the other ones. Um but the truth is, if your mental health and your emotional health is going down, well, chances are your financial health is going to go down. You're probably gonna end up spending more money on things, trying to bring satisfaction, trying to bring instant joy, that kind of thing. But then also if that's happening, you're probably not eating as healthy. You're probably not working out as much, which means your physical health starts going down. Yep. And uh just one, what I believe as well, your spiritual health has a significant tie to all of these things. If your spiritual health isn't good, your emotional health is probably not gonna be as best as it can be. No. Um, and that I even include your financial health, your physical health um isn't gonna be what it should be if your mental health isn't there.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Yeah, because when you feel the stress of finances, which is something everyone feels at some time, if not now, you feel stressed, you don't work out, you don't, you feel like I can't buy gym membership, I can't do this, I can't do that because I want. And it does, I mean, working out has been proving to help your your emotional mental state. It's a very good thing for you. And that's why I'm saying it doesn't cost you anything to go walk. Just go walk. Like just start walking, like your neighborhood. It doesn't cost you anything to drop to the floor and do as many push-ups as you can or sit-ups, or just jog in place or do jumping jacks or do burpees or any of it. It doesn't cost you anything to do those. Like, there's ways for you to get around that. You just have to find you just have to want the solution. So, but it is crazy how those five tie together in such a in a formative way. Yes. Um they all affect each other.

Michael 17:08

Like, and I I'd challenge you if you're listening to this, um, keep that in mind. I don't know if you want to book ear that or whatever, that concept. Because if you realize the next time you start feeling yourself short on temper, the next time you start feeling yourself um really, I don't know, maybe even pinch and pennies or when you find yourself in a rough place, like this plays such an effect. And I will tell you this, for me, for the longest time, it didn't help my preventative side of things, like to keep me before going to a bad place, but it helped me get out of a bad place a lot quicker. And I mean a lot quicker because I was able to be aware of it. I was like, okay, today, how's my emotional health? Do I feel like I'm about to explode on someone if they just walk in my office? If someone calls me and corrects something or whatever that is when work, like, is that gonna piss me off? Okay, well, let's start looking at why. Why is that gonna piss me off?

SPEAKER_02 18:05

Well, and the other side of that too is and and I'm a guy, so I'll be vulnerable here, I'm honest. Um, I was watching a commercial the other day. It was a I can't remember what the commercial was. No, I was watching it, dude. I got emotional, like I started crying, like a really deep sob, like watching this, and I'm just totally emotional. And Jess comes in, she's like, Are you okay? And I'm like, I don't know. Like I honestly don't know. I was like, I just watched this and she goes, Yeah, that's really that's really emotional. She's like, Wow, and I'm like, Yeah, but why am I so upset about it? I was like, what is wrong with me? Like, and I think it's because sometimes when we deal with stress, we have stress, we have all those things, and we don't talk about it, we don't allow those emotions, and we had not been, it's just nose to the grindstone, just go, go, go. I think those things, emotions just like, hey, you gotta we gotta get out. Yeah, and so they start going, and you're just like, oh, okay. And sometimes they come out in those weird ways. Yeah. Um so it's just something to keep in mind.

Michael 19:11

Well, and one thing. I was listening to a podcast. Oh, you got my earlobe missed. You did miss. That was bad. I did miss. I did. I got the microphone. I tried to tuck my hat belt down a little bit. Turn your hat backwards. Okay, that's fair. I just don't want to get like hit with my eyes wide open. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 19:31

But it's not going in your eye hole. If your eye falls out, that's gonna be great for YouTube. You probably get censored.

Building Margin Before You Break

Michael 19:38

Michael's office I would die if my eye fell out, I think. You can just poke it back in there. I've seen it on YouTube. You've seen it on YouTube. All right, so we were talking about the the five pillars of health, and uh, I was listening to a audio media format of someone recording their conversation. Um, and it had to do with health. And he was talking about margin. How do we prepare margin in our lives? And we we do it a lot more so in like finances, right? We we make sure we got margin, we got the savings account, you know. If you follow the Dave Ramsey thing, you know, the six months emergency fund, all that kind of stuff. And we build in this margin for our lives. But when do we do that for our emotional health? When do we build in margin for our mental health or our physical health? And uh, and he's a pastor, the the j the host had on a pastor on his show, and um I'm just trying so hard not to say the word. Um, but on the show, the pastor was speaking, he was like, I've got people who come into my office every day who need to share their burdens. And it's hard to not share and help carry those burdens with them. And so he was going on about how I have to maintain margin in my emotional health, in my spiritual health, so that I don't get pissed off when someone comes in sharing their problems. You know, and I'm sure you've had these days, whether being on staff at a church or not, because I know I've had them. Like some days you just have really crappy days, and you're like, if someone comes in my office right now and unloads all of their issues, I'm I'm not even in a place to deal with that myself, let alone try to help walk them through it.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

I learned that that hit me like a ton of breaks, it's a quick story. Um, I was a 12 stone at the time, and they had uh pastor on call today, and so it was me. And so someone's like, Hey, there's a lady here who wants to talk someone. And I was like, Great. So I go up and we sit down in one of the rooms, and and I was like, What can I help you with? She goes, I don't know. I don't know why I'm here. And I was like, Okay. Well, do you want to like what led you here? And she goes, Honestly, I pulled on the train tracks and I just stopped and I cut my car off. And I was Was waiting on a train to come. And so she said, I she goes, Greg, as m as much as I'm sitting here talking to you, I heard an audible voice say, Go to 12 stone. And so she goes, So here I am. And I was like, Oh my gosh, wow. Like that's a it was crazy. One of those moments, like I started my day, did not think I would intersect with that at that point. And it was really much a um and then just got to sit and talk with her and just encourage her. And we walked through a lot of stuff and uh connected her with some local counselors we had and did just but for me it was one of those things like you never know. Yes. You never know, though, even if you're in a relationship, you wake up and your your significant other isn't is not having the best day.

Michael 22:50

No, and that's what this is so crucial, I think, in marriages, is to be able to maintain that margin. And it's never gonna be perfect. You're never gonna have all of it together so that every time your spouse has a bad day, you've got everything perfect made. Right. You know, but at the same time, if you both focused on yourselves to be healthy, to maintain that margin, there would be a lot more grace on the the days where you don't have it.

Letting People Help You

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Well it's just like even yesterday, I felt sick. I felt so bad. I I got home from work and I did an urgent care visit on the tortilla, your hand on it.

Michael 23:24

But uh I hesitated. That was my my problem. I wasn't holding the tortilla. You said it. I'm gonna have to hold on.

SPEAKER_02 23:31

So I'm there feeling crappy, I'm medicated, and Jess goes in Ba's dinner and starts cooking dinner. Um, something we usually do together. Um, but I'm just I feel horrible.

SPEAKER_03 23:46

And and so I know that's my word, so you just run the eyeball.

Michael 23:55

Well, you shouldn't have looked.

SPEAKER_02 24:04

I'm swinging left and this sucks. I'm at a disadvantage. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry.

Michael 24:09

I'm gonna pause because you got to finish this story. I'm not gonna.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

I'm at the um I'm I I go over and sit at the bar and she's just making dinner, and I felt horrible because I wasn't helping as we usually do.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

Um, and it wasn't that I was doing anything wrong, she was doing anything more. It just for me, it was just one of those things. I'm like, why does this upset me so bad that I can't participate in help? Why is it that I I feel bad? And I know this this is a thing for me. I feel bad when people just do things for me. I'm very much independent in that way. And so it's hard for me just to sit on the couch while she cooks dinner and says, Oh, dinner's ready, and I just go get it. Like I just that's so hard for me. Um, and so I have to dig and go, why? Because Jess sometimes wants to do things for me. Like she'll ask, Hey, do you want something to drink? I was like, No, I'll go get it. She's like, No, let me let me do that for you. No, I got it. But it it's almost like I'm stealing something from her and doing that because that's just my ridiculous independence side of myself. Um trying, I don't I don't know, trying to just sometimes I think, well, I don't I can do this on my own, I don't need anybody. But you do.

Michael 25:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

You do, completely.

Michael 25:25

I think you always need someone.

SPEAKER_02 25:26

Yeah, you're we're not created to be by ourselves, period. I don't care where you're at and I don't even care where you're at in your spiritual journey when and if you want to read the Bible, whether you believe it or not, that's on you. But um and it's just it is like you read the story of creation, um, and Adam was there. God created Eve for Adam to have companionship. Uh we're never meant to live isolated by ourselves. It just wasn't intended that way.

Michael 25:55

So that being said, how do you how would you encourage someone or how you in your past work on your health? Meaning all five, but I'm I'm actually more so curious to hear from you specifically on the emotional and mental health side of things.

SPEAKER_02 26:14

For me, um and this may be some lowlights for me. So uh when I went through my divorce, I had a lot of anger and frustration. I was mad at a lot of people. I was mad at God. I was mad at um and I didn't treat there's some people in my life I didn't treat very well. And um I I don't feel great about that. I just I was just angry, I was mad. Um and I mean there were times where I would just I mean, I didn't even go in my house, I would just sit on my front steps and drink until I fell asleep, or and um I think I was driving home one New Year's night with Lily, my black lab, and she was sitting over there and I was just we were just having a conversation because I talked to her a lot, especially when I had my kids. So I was just chatting with her and I was like, this is not the life I want. Like this is not this is not what I know God had intended for me. Um and I was just looking at it, I was like, we're gonna make some changes, girl. Um and she's just sitting there. Listen, I can't man, if she could have talked, she would have been like, bro, please. I know. Um But I got home that night and um as usual we split a bag of um, it was probably like 1240, and we just turned the TV on and we split a bag of uh microwave popcorn and a Bud Light. Um we halved that, and then I was like, here's what we're gonna do different. I was like, I'm gonna get involved with a group of guys who love God who can be honest with me, you can point me in the right direction. That's step one. Step two, I'm never going to say no to my family over money. I will always choose my family over money. Um going to chase um that. Like I'm going to chase healthy relationships with my family and my friends, um, good ones. Um and I think the third one was just like I'm just I'm gonna get involved again. I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna go, just I'm just gonna get more involved. And so those those three decisions, man, little did I know, just just led me up. Just I was like, I'm just gonna take small steps to to make those things right. Uh and I did. And it's as crazy as it is, it wasn't a few, it was shortly after that that I met Jess. Uh shortly after that that I got a job opportunity to go make a year's salary for three months of work. And so I was like, I could go work for three months, make a year's salary, I was doing a consulting gig.

Michael 28:41

Why not?

SPEAKER_02 28:42

Um and I so I had my kids for seven days, and they were my wife for seven days, ex-wife for seven days, me for seven, ex-wife for seven. And so I called her and I was like, hey, I have an opportunity for to go three months. Um, would you keep the kids for three months? And then when I get back, I get the kids for three months. And she was like, No, I'm not doing that. I won't do it. I was like, okay. So that thought reminded me in my head, said, We're we're never gonna say yes to money and no to family. And so I called the guy and I was like, Man, I'd love to. Thanks for your opportunity, can't do it. I was like, displaying the situation, he goes, All right, so no hate it, no worries. But you know what's crazy? I never missed. I feel I feel like God honored that uh decision, and money wasn't the issue, provided in other ways, and uh things just happened and created healthy relationships with my kids. Um but it's just interesting. I still run into people from my divorce who still seem angry or frustrated, and it's so interesting to me because I'm like, that was 15 years ago. I've let go, I'm not mad at my ex-wife, I'm not mad at any of the things she said, anything she may still say. I don't care, I don't know. Um, but the thing is, is like I don't carry that around with me. Like I've forgiven them, I've moved on, and I've let go of that hurt and that pain. And and just like, why are you still carrying it? Yeah 15 years later. So it's why it's more than 15 years old. It's like it's not even it wasn't even yours. It's just crazy. I'm like, you're toting a weight. It's not yours to carry. But we do it in relationships all the time.

Michael 30:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:19

All the time. And it just it's we don't realize how much it affects us.

Michael 30:24

Bro, I mean, even just forget husband and wife. Dude, brothers and sisters, brothers and brothers, sisters and sisters don't talk for years. Yeah. Because we just hold on to crap.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

Yeah. Like my friend Joe Peyton, love Joe to death. Created a lot of havoc in my life, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain, a lot of havoc. There's people who are just so frustrated him and like, I won't talk to him. I hope he does this, I hope he does that. And I'm like, how are you a Christian and say that about that guy? Did he make bad choices? Yes, 100%. Does he know he made bad choices? Yes. Do I not love him for that? Why how how would you say no to that? And that's I talked to that guy often. Yeah. And I told him, I was like, I love you. You need help, you call me. You need something goes wrong, you call me. Because I don't want to know if I screw up and do something wrong, everybody I know and love is gonna throw me under the bus and go, I don't have anything to do with you because your life's not perfect.

Michael 31:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:20

You made a bad decision, you did some bad things. I don't want to do everything.

Michael 31:24

And I would dare question that friendship in general if that was the case.

SPEAKER_02 31:27

Yeah. It's just sad.

Michael 31:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

I'm like, I don't I don't but we surround ourselves with that and we care those things because we don't deal with those we don't become the healthy person. We don't deal with that crap stuff.

Michael 31:37

We don't have the margins, so we hold on to it.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

Yeah, we just put it in our backpack and carry it around with us for the rest of our lives. We never unpack it.

Three Questions That Force Change

Michael 31:44

I remember I don't know if you remember this conversation you and I had. We were sitting at Diletto R.I.P. It's hard to say it. It's gotta be the letto. It's good to be the letter session. Dude, we had so many. It was like a basically a standing weekly meeting that we just would always go and I would just unload all my crap. Um thank you because I did that a lot. But uh but I remember there was one day, dude, I was just fed up with a lot of things at that point. And I just remember you asked me three questions over and over again. And this is what I remember, so if I say it wrong, correct me. But it's basically, how's your life? And my response was like, I know the three questions. It was like awful draining them. And you were like, Well, why? And honestly, I was like, dude, I'm just I'm struggling with the divorce, I'm wrestling with trying to not let it carry into my work life and everything else, and I'm just like, I'm I'm drained. And then the last one was, so what are you gonna do about it? And dude, the first time you hit that, like it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I was like, holy crap.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

So three questions.

Michael 32:58

Is that were those the specific three questions?

SPEAKER_02 33:00

What are you doing?

Michael 33:02

Okay, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

What do you want to do and what are you gonna do about it? And then we asked them more than once. Yes, we did. Because your first ones were kind of surface level, yeah. And then you answered them, and I was like, okay, so what are you doing?

Michael 33:17

And you looked at me all kind of weird, and I was like the thing is the more I thought about it, the more my questions changed. Yeah, they did changed. The more my answers changed.

SPEAKER_02 33:24

Yeah, that that that was the only rules. I'm gonna ask you these three. Can't give me the same answer.

Michael 33:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

And you can't say, uh, I I don't know.

Michael 33:32

And I just remember walking through that moment, and it took what, maybe two minutes. Yeah. Obviously, we had a long, longer conversation in that time frame, but those specific two minutes knocked me on my butt because it was just this even though I already knew it, the realization hitting home of saying no one else is gonna fix this for you. No one else can fix this for you. And I remember one of the biggest things I was holding on to were things that I went through in my divorce. Things that I couldn't let go of. Yeah. Even though we had talked about those things over and over and over again, I couldn't for some reason let go of it or be okay with it. Right.

SPEAKER_02 34:20

Well, because you kept, and I remember this because I tried to do the same thing, and everyone who's gone through divorce has done the same thing. You try to rationalize irrational decisions. You try to make the decisions that were made, you try to make them make sense. And they just don't make them. And they're never going to, as much time as you spend, they're not going to, so you have to let go of that idea to go, well, I don't understand why they did that. Well, you're you're never going to understand.

SPEAKER_03 34:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:48

Because it's not a singular event that caused what happened. It was a lot of different choices that led to that place. Yeah. Some may have been you, some may have been them. But naturally, sorry, naturally, what we want to do is we always want to blame somebody else. But it'd be like, and I and I and so counselors say this all the time, and I get what they're after, but it so pisses me off because when I was going through my divorce, my counselor kept asking me, Well, what was your role in the divorce? What was your role in the divorce? And I'm like, bro, I ask that in a better way. Like, I didn't I didn't do what she did. So I don't that doesn't make sense. Like you're asking me. So it's like, this is not I understand. He's like, what did you not meet? What needs did you not meet for her that allowed her to take these steps? Okay, we can talk about that. And let's be more specific. But it just you hold on to those things. Yeah. And you just, you, you, you want that's your that's kind of your brain and your your your emotional self trying to protect it. To be like, okay, well, she's just crazy or he's crazy or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we make these excuses, and then they have to become villains and we have to hate them because it makes us feel better about it.

Michael 36:04

That's about the only way we get through it.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

Yeah.

Michael 36:06

But or even then, for me, one of those things was it's like those irrational ideas and things I couldn't work through kept coming back. And I remember I, because I worked through this in counseling um with my counselor, and uh, we talked through the idea of um coping and thriving. We all have coping mechanisms, right? When emotional health gets crazy, that coping mechanism may be, hey, I'm gonna go spend 50 bucks on Amazon, right? Or whatever that is, I may go get some drinks or whatever. But um thriving and coping cannot coexist. It's either one or the other. They cannot exist simultaneously. Um and I remember that conversation that you and I had where you asked me those three questions over and over and over again, and I just remember saying it No one else can fix my emotional health. Yeah. No one else can wrestle the thoughts I'm wrestling. You know, and and I remember because it was like the next day I went to counseling and I talked to him about everything we we shared. And this is where we went into the idea of um thriving and coping. And uh I remember the one thing that stuck in my mind, and and this is me. I mean, I believe the Bible, and uh scripture says that we should take every thought captive to the obedience of God's word, meaning we wrestle it down with truth. And that's it. Not your truth, my truth, their truth, no, the truth, and that is in God's word. Um and so I remember taking those thoughts, and this is what brought me back to that original question you asked at the beginning of the episode of this episode. Um and uh it it was for me that was recurring thoughts that I could not, I couldn't wrestle down, I couldn't get rid of, I couldn't do anything. And a lot of times I I uh I coped. I'd get up at two in the morning and I remember because this was very much something I did. I'd take some crowned vanilla and I'd take a Red Bull and I'd mix them together, and then I'd go out and build some because I didn't want to go to bed. I didn't I didn't want to go back to sleep um exhausted, but just not I didn't want to dream, honestly. Right. Um and so there were many, many nights where I coped and got by doing things like that. But then there were some nights where I was like, we're gonna go five minutes tonight and we're gonna wrestle these thoughts down. And if it gets overbearing, I'm gonna grab that crown of vanilla and that red bull, and then I'm gonna go outside. But for right now, I'm gonna take five minutes and I'm gonna try to wrestle this one thought down. I'm not gonna take it because there may have been a thousand thoughts, but take this one thought and I'm gonna wrestle it down until it's done. Yeah. Whatever that may be. Yeah. And then if that like because a lot of that, because it was irrational, it was I can't explain why she did what she did. But I'm gonna be okay with it because this is the life I'm living. Right. And I didn't like that answer for the first 30, 40, 50 times I told myself that answer. But I remember that first night that I did that, I was like, okay, now what? Because I almost didn't kind of believe it even. Yeah. But then guess what? The next night it came back up. Yeah, I was that much quicker to be, I already knew the answer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:25

Yeah.

Michael 39:26

Well, then the next week that thought came back up. I already knew the answer.

SPEAKER_03 39:29

Yeah.

Michael 39:30

And so it was literally a systematic of one after the other after the other being able to work through those thoughts so that because if we and what is it, Einstein said this the the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. But we do that with our mental health all the time. Oh, all the time.

Resetting Spirals With Truth And Habits

SPEAKER_02 39:48

And then the crazy part is in relationships, we so often don't even think about just like, hey, good man, work on yourself. Be like figure that out. Figure because we talked last week, um, know your operating system. Like it was a couple weeks ago. Actually, know your operating system and and how you work, how you think, how you process information, how you do all those things, because it matters when you go into a relationship. All of it does. Your mental health, your emotional health. Like for me, I don't know how or why, and it could have been the way I was raised. Um, I do like I deal with depression from time to time. Um, most people who know me probably would have no idea I do that. Um but it it it does from time to and for me, it's this crazy thing. I was like, I always deal with depression, I deal with anxiety sometimes. I've never I've only had one like panic attack, and that was at my last job because uh it literally everything blew up. Um it's only happened to me once in my life. Um and it's scary, it's weird. But I'll go and reset. I do a reset, and sometimes that reset is I gotta get away from everything. Uh if I'm at home and I can't get away from everything, I just tell Jess, I'm like, I'm gonna go lay down for a minute. Don't, I just need, I need, I need some time. I'll just shut the door, lay down on the bed. I'm not tired, put the head, pillow over my head, whatever, and I'll just get quiet. And I'll just be like, just breathe. I'm just focusing on my breathing, thinking. Um, because everything's stressed, and I'm just even when I get depressed that way, and then I always have the thought to my head, no one's coming to solve this for you. So let's figure out what the truth is, where we really at. Like cut away the emotions of I feel this, I feel that. I don't care about how we feel, where we at. Yeah. Like what's the truth of where we're at in this moment, and when we figure out where we're at, because I feel like emotions drive like my emotional side will drive my feelings.

Michael 41:57

Oh, very much so.

SPEAKER_02 41:59

But my mental health can drive my emotions, which drives my feelings. Yeah.

Michael 42:04

Okay, can you can you back that up because that's something that needs to be unpacked to separate the emotional and the mental side of things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:10

The mental the mental set that I have or the way I'm thinking, the way I'm affects my emotions, which affect my feelings. So therefore, I feel like I want to cut that off at the root of the mental part of the depression usually deals with because when I get depressed and things are bad, the world's on fire. Our finances suck. Yeah, marriage sucks. This we're never gonna get out of this hole, we're never gonna get here, we're never gonna get there, well, this isn't gonna happen. And those are just my emotions feeding in, and they just start spiraling. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. And I have to just detach from that. I don't know. Some people do it in lots of different ways. I built a cold plunge for myself, and I'll go get in the cold plunge, and because it it requires and people will be like, it's so dumb, and blah, blah, blah. One, it helps me focus. When I get in that really cold water, I have to focus on breathing because your body reacts all of a sudden and you start, you get really cold, and you're just like settle it. You just focus on your breathing. When I you get your breathing down, then I can focus my mind and it clears so well. Like you're just that clears my head. Like when I'm just whatever it is for you that you do that, and then in the moment you go, What's the truth? Because no one's showing up to solve this for me. Yeah. No one's showing up to go, oh, here's a million dollars, Greg. Oh, here's now would that be awesome? Of course. Yeah, right.

Michael 43:34

No one's gonna show up and go, if anyone listening to this just wants to give someone a million dollars, I will gladly volunteer to distribute.

SPEAKER_02 43:41

Take it. But even for that though, like if I'm looking for Jess to meet all my emotional, mental, all those needs in my life, I'm looking in the wrong place. She's never gonna do that because she's human. If you're looking for the person in your relationship to fulfill all those roles for you, they're gonna Yeah, you're gonna wind up. Yeah. And so you have to focus on the truth when you know this, but the truth mentally helps me focus my emotions, which focus my feelings.

Michael 44:14

Dude, when you were talking through that, especially when you identified and specified the the mental versus the emotional, you like unlocked a memory in my brain that I can't tell you the last time I thought of this. Um I grew up playing sports, football, baseball, I had a bunch of brothers and a sister. So we we grew up playing sports all the time. And my dad, I remember he would always say this, and I remember when he first started saying it, because I have older brothers, so he was more so saying it to them, and I was like six, and I honestly had no clue what the heck he meant by it. But he always said, attitude determines behavior. Attitude determines behavior. And then as I got older, I remember, you know, when baseball games get heated, or you know, someone trucks to catch you at a home plate, because we used to do that back in the day. Like, like there were heated moments in games, there were fights, there were things that broke out. And I remember my dad always told me your attitude determines your behavior. And coming back to this now, what you allow yourself to think will control your emotions. And you have complete control over what you allow yourself to think. Yeah, 100%. I can understand emotions, emotions can take over. Well, emotions always happen in the moment. Yes, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 45:28

They happen in the moment. Someone wronged you, someone did something to you, your emotions or your natural emotion is going to kick in. That that's a normal thing.

Michael 45:38

But uh when when you explain that, the way that I allow myself to think can change how I feel and how I treat others with my emotions. And I think that's brilliant because so many times we ride on the coattails of our emotions and we never grab onto the reins of our mental state, our mental well-being. I was talking to a guy, a good friend of mine.

SPEAKER_02 46:03

Um we were just talking about um how sometimes when people drink, how they just they I mean, I've been around some people. I grew up with an alcoholic, but sometimes when people have too many drinks, they act, they go off the hinges. Or even just a couple. Yeah, they go off the rails, they go crazy. And and we're just talking about that. And I was like, this is my opinion on it. And I was like, neither here nor there. I'm sure there's research out there to back it up if you look. It's like people who act that way, it screams to me, I have unresolved issues and baggage, emotional could be trauma in my life I've never dealt with. And so when I have an an alcohol or whatever it may be that and allows that to come out, the true feelings of who they are come out. I was like, you may my honest opinion, I don't hang out with those people. And I was like, I'm not not being mean and not being judgmental. Those people have a lot of stuff they haven't dealt with, and there's not going, and you have to go, because when you hang if you're with someone and they have a couple drinks and all of a sudden they get loud and mouthy and they want to fight somebody, I'm like, why do you all of a sudden need to feel like you had to prove yourself to violence through somebody else? Like because they made you mad, I need to go beat them up. They disrespected me, I need to beat you, don't even know that person.

SPEAKER_03 47:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:21

It's like, how how does that make sense? And you it's like, dude, it just shows me you're a very uncontrolled person. Control your emotions, control your thoughts. Um, some of that may have had to do with the time I spent um doing karate and kickboxing. I mean, you control your emotions, and so you control your thoughts. Just be but it it's a simple thing.

Michael 47:43

Like it's you are not controlling your emotions. Your emotions are controlling you.

SPEAKER_02 47:48

Yeah, you're letting someone Like that's the reality of it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're giving that other person the power over you to control your well, but they cut me off. They don't even know you. How do you know they didn't cut off? What do you what if they're in an emergency situation, their person the person they love the most is in the hospital and they're trying to get there? Wouldn't you do the same thing? Like, why so why why go to worst case, best case? Like just let it so why let it go? Yeah. Like just let it, you got other things in life to worry about. It's like those things, it's like settle down, control yourself, but look at those five things we talked about uh uh in our in ourselves, our our mental, emotional, our physical. I'm telling you, physically working out will help you. Um if you say I can't, do something. Um it will be just go for a walk. Yes. Don't carry your how far do you don't don't care, don't listen to this. You can if you want to. I'm not gonna tell you not to listen to this while you walk. It could be fun. This uh media presentation. I'm gonna try. But it's like do something just to even if it's go outside, uh go get on a treadmill, walk, do something. Um it's just an excuse. When you say I don't, I can't, it's an excuse.

Michael 49:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:06

Uh but to know no one's showing up um to save you. No one's showing up to you, be the best version yourself, I guarantee you, it will reflect every relationship you're in at work, uh, whether you're married, whether you're staying where you're at, looking for when you meet the person you know, you're gonna know where they're at, whether they are a healthy person. A healthy person's not gonna be like, ooh, she's got like she's she's off the hinges. Uh let's go. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It's like, no, you you you you know, healthy people want to be around healthy people. Yeah. So that was lame. I haven't I just have I even said my word no nice. No, Jess gave me a horrible phrase. She was it a whole phrase or was it an actual? I was thinking. You haven't used that at all tonight?

Michael 49:58

I have not used that at all tonight. No. So is a word.

SPEAKER_02 50:01

I got two.

Michael 50:03

Everybody uses you use it a lot more. I know.

Audit Resource And Closing Takeaways

SPEAKER_02 50:08

I've been very mindful of it. Thank you. On that note, um, I I would just like to say thanks, baggage claim folks, for listening. Um, we are working on a process um for a almost like a we call it baggage claim audit to see where you're at in any of these phases where you're specifically on like this you piece, because until someone walked through these ideas with me, dude, I had I didn't have a clue.

Michael 50:35

Right. So this is basically for you, and you may have that clue. You may know. You may be like, amen, or we're preaching to the choir and everything we've talked about tonight. But if you're like, hey, hearing this, and you're like, I want to know where I'm at, this is a great resource for that. Yeah. Unpacked. It just helps self-identify. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:53

And it's just a way, like, I'm not trying to sell you anything. I don't have anything to sell other than merch. Yeah, yeah. If you you put your email in.

Michael 51:01

So that costs a whole lot. So and um you're not gonna be able to do it. We don't even have an emailing list right now.

SPEAKER_02 51:06

So you're not really unsubscribing or subscribing to anything. I'm literally the only thing we sell is merch, and that just helps us pay the try to pay the bills and pay for the tortillas and the and the microphones and the all the other fun stuff we have. But yeah, it's unpack together.com, go take the um audit, just kind of baggage game audit. We're working on getting that up, streamlining our uh website to make it better, um, and create some resources for you guys just to just to be better in life and in relationships and all those fun things. So, man, what a fun guy's not. It wasn't that. It was fun. I enjoyed this. I this was it's good not having women tell us what to do all the time.

Michael 51:53

All the time.

SPEAKER_02 51:54

We need it most of the time.

Michael 51:56

The majority of the time.

SPEAKER_02 51:57

Yes, that is true.

Michael 51:58

I do feel bad, Jess was not feeling very well at all.

SPEAKER_02 52:02

Yeah, but yeah, she went to bed early, which is yeah, kind of crazy. But anyway, you guys that are out there listening, my friends in Finland, uh still loving you, hoping to get to Finland. I want to see that little island, see the get the thing back building the cabin. Uh, all our other people and all the other countries, man, Singapore still rocking it. That's right. Uh you guys got to keep those downloads because some places in Texas are catching you with downloads.

Michael 52:28

Are they gonna take up? Was it third spot or fourth spot?

SPEAKER_02 52:31

It was it was third, and it dropped to fourth, and I think someone some place in the main Dallas, Texas, somewhere jumped up into third spot, which is really kind of crazy.

Michael 52:40

I love the Singapore's still in the top five. You still got it going. Yeah, keep it keep it up, spread the word over there.

SPEAKER_02 52:46

So but uh love you guys, thank you so much. Umpactogether.com, go check it out. You can find merch there, you can find the baggage claim audit. Um, we'll try not to make it as confusing um when you go there, so it's pretty obvious what you need to do. But uh love you guys. Thanks for listening. Um have a tortilla, smack a friend with a tortilla just for the fun of it, because tortilla fights are fun.

Michael 53:12

Um they are actually a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_02 53:14

It is fun just to smack your friends.

Michael 53:16

It really is.

SPEAKER_02 53:18

We got into one of these in the kitchen one time and we found pieces of tortilla for like a month. I can I don't even know how they got in like the drawer.

Michael 53:25

It was on top of the cabinets. Yeah, they were angled. Because you're your uh um what do they call it? The hood is like angled. Yes. Yeah, and there was one up there. I was yeah.

SPEAKER_02 53:34

Yeah, it was fun. I think that was a Georgia game day. Um which G Day game is coming up. So anyway, I everything else said, anything to add, takeaway?

Michael 53:46

Just be aware. I I would say like one takeaway with all this, because the the reality is like I've known about this for quite a few years now, and it's easy for me to go by a month without even thinking about this concept of working on my self-health, working on my margin, specifically emotional health. Because what did I say when I got in today? I was like, dude, I need uh a shot, I need food, I need something because today has been awful. I am done. Yeah, and I'm it still happens, it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 54:16

Yeah. When you think you have your hands around it and it's figured out, that's when it's gonna happen.

Michael 54:21

So just maintain consistent awareness.

SPEAKER_02 54:24

Yeah.

Michael 54:24

That's what I'd have to say.

SPEAKER_02 54:26

Yeah. Hang in there, say, I I'm all about being aware. Being I like, and if you can't be honest with yourself, get some friends around you, yes, I will help you help you be honest. Not in a mean way. Um, you don't need friends to just tell you you suck, you need friends to tell you uh the truth.

Michael 54:43

Friends who will say, I love you and care about you enough to not let you go down this road. Yeah. So that one got the corner. I didn't mean to pull it over.

SPEAKER_02 54:54

My bad. All right. Well, with that being said, no doubts. No doubts.