You Can’t Split The Day Without Splitting Hearts

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are supposed to feel simple. In a blended family, they can feel like a stress test for everyone’s emotions, schedules, and loyalty. We dig into what actually happens when expectations get too high, boundaries get blurry, and a “nice holiday” turns into quiet disappointment or an argument that spills into the kids’ world.

We walk through the practical side of blended family life: why we choose not to celebrate on the exact holiday, how we plan around multiple households, and what it looks like to honor a child’s relationship with their mom or dad without forcing them to split the day. Along the way, we talk about the emotional reality of feeling left out, the temptation to keep score, and the hard truth that doing the right thing does not always look like a win in the moment.

Then we go straight to the issue that can wreck co-parenting and stepfamily trust: weaponizing kids. We explain why badmouthing the other parent is so damaging, how it usually points back to unresolved hurt, and how choosing emotional health creates stability that lasts. If you’re navigating divorce, remarriage, stepkids, bonus parents, and the pressure of family holidays, you’ll leave with language, boundaries, and a clearer definition of what “winning” really is.

If this helped, subscribe, share it with a friend in a blended family, and leave a review so more couples can find these conversations.

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

greg 0:00

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_05 0:07

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

greg 0:17

What's up, Baggage Claim? How's everybody doing out there today? Um, man, what a day, what a day, what a day. It has already been a week. Uh last week was rough, but we made it through. Uh and we're into this one, and school's almost over, so we'll almost have summer gest, which means she won't go to bed at 8:30.

SPEAKER_05 0:39

I'm not so worried about bedtime on podcast nights. Yeah.

Michael 0:42

So she specifically asked me, can you please be here by six today? She did.

jess 0:48

And while Greg was cooking dinner, I was ironing my shirt for school tomorrow and trying to get everything laid out because I'm so worried about going to bed.

greg 0:56

You got six days left. But if you're new to baggage claim, welcome. Thank you for joining us. Uh, we are continuing to grow. I think we're 54 countries now, 333 different cities, which is nuts. But thank you guys for listening. Thank you for the downloads. This is if I say this beyond our expectations and our dreams.

Michael 1:15

Yeah. We literally had no idea. Way past the thoughts of us figuring out how we were going to record the first episode in your kitchen. Right.

jess 1:23

And we we didn't even mean to. No.

greg 1:26

I literally went to Chat GPT and go, what's the best platform to post my podcast? That's where we start. We recorded the episode and didn't even know. Yeah, we had no idea where even to put it. So uh here we are, uh a year and a half later, still recording. You guys are still listening. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for putting it out there. But we really are blessed. And I will tell you this tonight's conversation, we talk about marriage, relationships, and we want to create community around all of those things in blended families and just regular families. But tonight is very, very much a blended family conversation.

jess 2:04

That's personal.

greg 2:05

Yes. And so this is a very, very personal subject for us. And it's one that if you're in a blended family, you deal with constantly, not just once, and you won't do it one time and you don't resolve. This is something that this is that tension that's going to live throughout the entirety of your relationship that

Holiday Expectations In Blended Families

greg 2:26

you have. Um and it it's just it is, it's true, and it's there. And so we're talking about celebrating or we're talking about expectations during celebrations.

jess 2:36

Yes.

greg 2:36

So we just had Mother's Day, and we have Father's Day coming up, which somebody really cares about Father's Day. Yes.

jess 2:43

We do.

greg 2:44

Do you know it falls like so far down on the calendar? I think it was Arborist Day and Flag Day.

jess 2:50

Arbor's Day and Flag Arbor Day and Flag Day do come ahead of Father. Yeah, but come ahead of Father's Day.

greg 2:55

So it's like flags. Yeah, it's like, bro, trees and flags come before us.

SPEAKER_05 3:00

It's just like That's so sad.

greg 3:02

But as dudes, it's like Jess always asks, like, what do you want to do? And I was like, let's grill something, hang out by the pool. Like, period, let's do that.

Michael 3:07

Yeah.

greg 3:08

Um my expectations are really small. They're really, really low when it comes to that.

Michael 3:12

Yeah.

greg 3:12

Um, but I have to manage my expectations for that because when you're in a blended family, you have a bonus mom, bonus dad. Um, we have some expectations that we've worked really hard, that oh, it's gonna be beautiful. It's Mother's Day. You know, we all take that great Mother's Day picture. We get to post on Instagram. Everybody's so excited. It's just like, oh my God, look at that. Beautiful family.

jess 3:38

It's the most beautiful family you've ever seen.

greg 3:40

Um, I think our Mother's Day picture this year was taken in the parking lot of a restaurant, which was by the lake, yeah. Which was amazing.

jess 3:48

Um the only thing that mattered was that Lucy was smiling. Our granddaughter was smiling. That's all. And looking at the camera.

Michael 3:53

That's where we took our Mother's Day. It was outside a restaurant here in Gainesville. Yeah.

greg 3:57

There you go. So it's like, all right, here we go. We got it. So we're gonna dive into this topic of expectations, and we'll get into boundaries, we'll get into a lot of different things, but this is gonna hit uh if you're with us, we have our nine-step process or our framework for how to have healthy blended families. There's the you portion, the us portion, and then the family. So we break it into those three categories. This is gonna fall into us. Uh we'll dabble, we'll stick our toe in and maybe kick our foot over into the you section a little bit. This is maybe a you-us conversation tonight about what what we're doing and how we manage this. Because if you don't manage this correctly, it's gonna wreak your marriage.

jess 4:39

It's just gonna crash and burn.

greg 4:40

Yeah, really good. And and producer Mark causes hand up already. All right, go. Question time? Oh, yeah, bro.

jess 4:47

Oh my gosh.

Michael 4:48

Did we really not figure this out? We didn't prep. So, yeah, our show prep. We've been talking for an hour and a half. We have been on the concept of what we're talking about tonight. Yes, we're gonna do that.

jess 4:58

We didn't even talk about question time.

Michael 4:59

We did not. I think I got a question. It might it might work.

greg 5:03

Okay, I I have one if you don't. It's a it's around Mother's Day, though.

Michael 5:06

All right, well, I'll shoot mine, and then if it really stinks, then you can do yours.

jess 5:10

Okay, what time is it? Question time.

Question Time And Favorite Colors

jess 5:17

It was so pretty.

greg 5:18

You're welcome. Thank you. There was a guy behind me singing at church, and he was so did you hear his gracious?

jess 5:24

He was louder than the praise band.

Michael 5:27

I was like, bruh. He was he on pitch. No. No, no, not at all. He was so happy. He was having fun. I love that.

jess 5:40

He's an older gentleman, and it was the cutest thing ever.

Michael 5:43

It's one of those things where when someone just has the confidence and comfortability to just pour their hearts out like that, regardless of what.

jess 5:51

Brandon, did you hear him?

Michael 5:52

Man, that's just something about it that just makes me happy for them. Yeah.

jess 5:57

You know what I mean?

Michael 5:58

Like it's just it fills me up. Yeah, there's no way I was.

jess 6:01

His heart was full.

Michael 6:02

That's awesome. Sweet. All right. So here's my question. Yep. We always talk about, you know, hey, what's your favorite color all of this? If your favorite color did not exist, what then would be your favorite color?

jess 6:15

Oh my gosh, that's a first grade question. What do you mean? It's like, what's your second favorite color?

Michael 6:19

Oh, well, I have like first off school. So I don't know if I got an actual first grade experience. But you did not, but then it's been a long time since I've been in first grade.

jess 6:28

That's a first grade. It's like what's your favorite color? And then you ask it, and then it's like, uh, what's your second favorite color?

Michael 6:36

Because honestly, I don't know what myself. A D brain went to what are you asking me? My favorite color?

jess 6:41

What's your second favorite color?

Michael 6:42

What's your second favorite color?

jess 6:44

Mine's yellow.

unknown 6:45

Shut up.

jess 6:47

That's what yours is.

greg 6:48

Is this yours yellow? Jess's is green. Is green and green.

jess 6:51

Green's number one.

greg 6:52

Green's my definite number one. Always. So you have green too as your number one? Heck yeah.

jess 6:56

Woohoo! No way. Why are you not talking to the microphone?

Michael 6:59

Yellow green. Green rules.

jess 7:01

Green team. But my yellow is like a muted yellow.

Michael 7:06

Yeah.

jess 7:07

No, when I say green's my favorite color, it's all the greens. When I say yellow is my favorite color, it's all of them except for like mustard.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

My favorite colors? Yeah, like the white shroot color shirt. Does anybody want to care what colors are?

jess 7:19

Your favorite colors I already know what they are. There's two, tied.

unknown 7:22

Yeah.

jess 7:23

Red and blue.

greg 7:24

Yeah, that's true. Dang, yeah, it is right. Yeah.

jess 7:26

Yeah.

greg 7:26

Uh blue's my favorite. I like blue. I like blue. I think it looks good on me too.

jess 7:31

See, blue does look good on you because of your eyes. Yes.

Michael 7:33

I would go with like a deep blue, like an ocean deep blue. Yeah.

greg 7:38

A deep blue is navy. This is not weird, but when I used to do sales and I would I was in consulting and I do sales, I had a blue, like blue button up. Like when I would dress up, and one of the ladies called me out on it one day. Like I was going to the sales office and she goes, Oh, you know what you're doing. You wore that shirt with those blue eyes. And I was like, Oh, dang it. She's like, she's on to me. That's funny. But I would, I would wear a blue shirt to try to help accentuate my eyes when I was trying to do so. Accentuate your eyes. Yeah. That's a five dollar word.

Michael 8:09

I don't have a whole lot of assets. That's right. You don't have to accentuate your eyes. Yeah, no, you don't.

jess 8:13

You have on a black shirt right now, and your eyes are still like, woo, look at me. I'm so blue. They are. Yeah.

greg 8:18

I don't, yeah, I don't have a lot going for me.

Michael 8:20

I just for me. Oh my gosh. It would be tied. It would be like an ocean blue, like the deeper side of ocean blue, not like crystal clear blue, like deeper blue.

jess 8:29

Like Greg's eyes.

Michael 8:31

Actually. Okay, stay on top of it. Or this is weird. I know it's weird, but like blackish gray. Like a charcoal black. I like it.

greg 8:46

My favorite color blue is the sky on Mother's Day.

Michael 8:50

There was not a cloud in the sky.

greg 8:51

There was a cloud in the sky, and it was so pretty. It was just a beautiful blue.

Michael 8:54

But your second favorite is red. Oh, well, you said they were tied though. They are definitely tied.

jess 9:02

Anytime my students have ever asked Mr. Peck what's your favorite color when he comes to my class, he's like, I'm not sure.

greg 9:09

I'm going this week and taking donut holes, taking Lucy and uh Miranda.

Michael 9:14

You should open donut holes in my work sometime.

greg 9:16

I'll show up to your work with donut holes. They'll be like, who is this homeless guy? We're not letting me with this guy.

SPEAKER_03 9:21

I don't like me in your place to work.

Michael 9:23

They let me in her school. They love me down there. So you may have to sign some security clearance to mine. Do background check. It's like I can't pass that background check. I'm sorry.

jess 9:31

No, the ladies in the law in the office love Mr. Peck.

greg 9:34

Yeah, they're awesome. So let's uh Brand, did you share your green and white?

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Green and yellow. Yellow. Muted yellow. Muted yellow. Muted.

jess 9:43

Light mustard.

greg 9:44

Like mustard yellow? That's a bright yellow.

jess 9:47

No, that's nice yellow.

Michael 9:53

And she likes only mustard.

jess 9:55

She just means not bright yellow.

Michael 9:57

No, are we talking like the like craft ketchup yellow? I said ketchup mustard yellow.

jess 10:02

You said ketchup. Like a Dijon mustard yellow.

Michael 10:05

Dijon mustard? Okay. With like little speckles of brown in it.

greg 10:09

Okay.

jess 10:10

Okay.

greg 10:12

Thank you for that question because it has absolutely nothing to do with what we're talking about.

jess 10:15

That's okay. So I appreciate that. It's a joy of question time. It's ridiculous.

Michael 10:19

I don't think any of our questions ever match with what we're talking about. That's true.

jess 10:23

I mean, we've talked about what kind of animal would you be or what kind of animals would bring lawsuits against humans.

greg 10:28

And first off, I'm sicking tired of the deers eating all my crap around the house. So I'm going to bring all the biggest.

Michael 10:33

I'm having to block off my blueberry bushes because I really want to pick my blueberries this year.

jess 10:36

Our ivy on the concrete wall that's around our house in the patio.

greg 10:43

Eating a nazealia bush two feet from my house. I hit the window and it looked at me.

jess 10:48

Two feet.

greg 10:48

It was like screw you. I'm eating. Yeah, it literally looked at me and I was like, go. And it's just it didn't do anything.

jess 10:54

But that explains why they didn't bloom this year.

greg 10:56

Yeah, freaking tears.

jess 10:58

Anyway. Anywho.

greg 10:59

Yeah.

Naming The Blended Family Reality

greg 11:00

Let's jump into um this fun conversation for blended families out there. Because I know that uh half of you out there are probably living in a blended family, um, which is one of those weird things I don't understand, but people who are in blended families, either they fully embrace the idea of a blended family or they fully ignore it and they try to act like they're not a blended family.

Michael 11:26

Yeah.

greg 11:27

Have you noticed that? Like we've done small groups at churches a couple of times where like, hey, this is a blended family uh group, so jump in. And people are so hesitant to get into it. And I'm like, what everybody knows. Half of you people in this room have been married before. Yeah. So like all we're trying to do is like help and point out the obvious, and you're not like, no, no, no, that's not us. Yeah. Yes, it is. Shut up and get the group. Um but it's like we either do we either say, no, I'm not, that's not me, and we want to be, but it's almost like I just want to be normal.

jess 11:56

And it's like, okay, but blended families now are normal.

greg 12:01

Yeah, and then honestly, what is what does normal even mean? Like look, all we're talking about is there's more complexities in a blended family than there is a regular relationship and a marriage. Common knowledge, like it's it just is what it is. And so this is one of those things in managing expectations for kids or for and our own selves. Yes, for yourself and for kids when it comes to celebrations that happen. And we've talked about this a little bit. We talked about Thanksgivings, we talked about Christmases, but then you have to manage, you have to schedule, you have to get those times way out in advanced. But then you have those times too. So you hear the you hear the thing, or you hear the the um man the phrase so many times, uh I can't do that because I'm already doing something with my mom. Um those people aren't really my real family. Um there's um what are some other phrases that you hear blended families here that they say that um because we use the phrase bonus mom, bonus dad, and bonus family just because it's better than step steps. Yeah. So it's just a weird title to put to that. We've never really used that a whole lot.

jess 13:14

We really don't.

greg 13:15

Um but when it comes to Mother's Day, so we're gonna specifically talk about Mother's Day and Father's Day, because we just passed Mother's Day. Yeah we're going into Father's Day. Um and so we're talking about managing those expectations and those boundaries. What do they look like?

jess 13:30

So So Mother's Day every year, your mama, bless her heart, on Mother's Day, has this usually big cookout and invites our family, like your I'd say out your family, you have to Which is about twenty-eight.

greg 13:45

My close family, like is about twenty-eight people.

jess 13:48

There's twenty seven, almost twenty-eight, when our niece has her new baby. There'll be twenty-eight of us just in our immediate family.

greg 13:57

That's my that's my sisters and their kids.

jess 13:59

Yeah, that's it.

greg 14:00

Yeah.

jess 14:01

And then she will invite extended family, like um Greg's mom has a few brothers and invites cousins and their their families, and then every now and again there'll be some random friends show up, but not so much at Mother's Day. It's more Easter and Thanksgiving when that happens, when it's like, who is that person? Yeah, but there's a lot of people, and so um we'll cook out, we'll hang out, and she's by her pool. You yeah. And so there's like a couple years ago, she got a food truck that was super fun. So she's gonna be able to do it.

greg 14:30

Well, she had the varsity food truck on a uh Mother's Day. Heck, it was so fun.

Michael 14:34

It was kidding me. Yeah, yeah. And then one time she got a Thomas and Miranda's well.

jess 14:41

Yeah, Thomas and Miranda's rehearsal dinner. We did the varsity food truck, and then Grandma Faye was like, Okay, this is an idea.

greg 14:47

Yeah, so she brought the varsity food truck for Mother's Day, which was amazing. And then she did another food truck one time. Yeah. Just pandemic, she did order barbecue. She was so excited, she goes, I don't have to cook.

jess 14:58

Yeah.

greg 14:58

I was like, Yeah, it's Mother's Day, you should just be able to just chill.

jess 15:01

So all that said, um, Mother's Day, the Sunday Mother's Day, we

Mother’s Day Scheduling And Boundaries

jess 15:05

just know that's what we're doing.

greg 15:06

Well, we've always we we actually as a couple sat down and said, Hey, look, right, wrong, indifferent um, we want to honor their mom on Mother's Day. They should spend Mother's Day with their mom.

jess 15:20

They meaning your children. My children, yes.

greg 15:23

And Thomas and Aaron, I would hope, would spend that with you. And so we're like, hey, I don't want to steal from that uh holiday for her. So we're not gonna plan any celebration you do.

Michael 15:34

No.

greg 15:34

If we do something for you to celebrate you on Mother's Day, we're not gonna do it on Mother's Day because I want them to not feel the pressure of how do I split that time. Yeah, how do I split that time? They don't so you don't have to split the time, go be with your mom.

jess 15:48

Yes.

greg 15:48

Um that's your mom.

jess 15:50

Um, if I've planned anything or if you've encouraged me to plan anything, it's usually the day before or sometimes a weekend before.

greg 15:57

Right. So we've always as a and then that's one of those that's a huge thing to just kind of get over. Like you have to get as if you're a blended family and you're like, no, no, no, I want it on Mother's Day. Okay, cool. But don't expect everyone to show up and be there. They shouldn't.

Michael 16:14

Yeah. Well, and that's also once you get into like with my older siblings being married and other families and things like that, like trying to do Mother's Day. We did it on Friday this year before Mother's Day.

jess 16:25

I have a mom and I have a stepmom, and then I have TJ, my first husband's mom. So I have a lot of moms in my life. And so yeah, they're spread out.

greg 16:35

And then even for us, like Miranda, I don't want Miranda to feel pressured to not go spend time with her mom to not be here. So there's so many when you add blended family, it's just there's so many layers to like 15 moms involved in the family.

jess 16:49

Yeah, when you're trying to and including Miranda, you're a mom now. I like it's a lot.

greg 16:54

When you're trying to schedule something, it can just almost be like, you know what, just screw it. We're on the school. Never mind.

Michael 16:59

You know what?

greg 16:59

Let's say y'all come into the house, we'll have a bottle of wine, and we'll just call it a day.

Michael 17:02

Yeah.

greg 17:03

Um, it's like you you get to a point where you're like, this is just not is the juice worth the squeeze here?

jess 17:10

No.

greg 17:10

Because there's a lot of squeezing going on for not a lot of juice that we're getting here.

jess 17:13

Yeah.

greg 17:14

And so you have to consider all that. That goes into the idea of just planning time to hang out. Um but as a woman, because I can't speak at that, so this is gonna be you.

jess 17:27

Okay.

When Feelings Get Hurt On Holidays

greg 17:28

Um women tend to get their feelings hurt more in this situation than men do.

Michael 17:33

Yes.

greg 17:34

Because I can tell you this I've made the decision to never take Mother's Day, like I'm not taking Mother's Day off the table for like go be with your mom. Like, I want you to go be with your mom. I don't expect you to be like called. I don't expect you to come around, I don't expect you to do that. But on the in the reverse, on Father's Day, there's been times where they went on vacation with their mom. Yeah, and I've never seen them.

jess 18:01

Like they literally went out of town And not to be weird, but like Thomas and Aaron don't have another dad to celebrate, so it's kinda like it's a built-in given for you for them for Father's Day, but your own children haven't always been present.

greg 18:15

Right. Which is weird. You know, but for me it's like I tend to be like, yeah, it is what it is. Okay, whatever. Um you as women tend to you know more emotionally involved, if that's the right word to say.

jess 18:29

We do. And so my knee-jerk reaction just now in my head when you're like, Oh, if they're going on Father's Day, it's like eh, it is what it is. But I'm like or if that happens in a scenario, is that a chance to say, well, that's incredibly um inconsiderate to take your children away from you on Father's Day, knowing that's when it falls.

greg 18:56

Right. Yeah, Father's Day is not, it's pretty sad. Like anything else. Mother's Day is pretty sad. Yeah. Like those are not it doesn't change. Yeah, those are holidays are kind of kind of there. Um it's here's here's the temptation in in blended families, and this is where I go back to. This is the this is the us portion we're talking about, but this is where it goes back to the you part of it. Um because I could get all up in my feelings, I could get mad, I could and then I could stay in front of my kids. Um I could berate her, be mean about it, those things. Because yourself, your human side wants to do those things.

Michael 19:37

And rightfully so, relatively speaking.

greg 19:40

You're like, why do you like there's no respect, there's just disrespect, there's those things. So yeah, I can choose to go that path and and get frustrated and get mad, or I can choose to go, you know what? I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna continue to honor my kids and say that's okay. You know, it's so that's the the here's the hard fine line to walk. And it's I'm not saying I have the answer. So when I say this, not saying this is the definite I've put the pen in the map, I know this is how to do it. I I've I've navigated this for 14 years, 15 years, 15 years of this this no baby. No, I was I was single before I made it.

jess 20:21

Well, you've been single for 16 years.

greg 20:23

Yeah, so uh Well nothing. So I've been managing this for a while.

jess 20:26

Whatever. Thank you very much.

greg 20:29

Um and it's I I I realize if I can go to it and say these certain things and try to plead my case, what does that really matter? And who does that help?

jess 20:40

And it's not gonna change anything.

greg 20:41

Does it help me, or does it put my kids in a more awkward, weird situation to where they feel pressure that they shouldn't feel? Or does it put the because what I want to be, and this is the this is my hot take right here.

Stop Weaponizing Kids After Divorce

greg 20:56

If you want to know the most effed up thing with blended families is somebody got hurt, and so therefore they use the kids as a pawn against the other parent to justify the way that they are.

jess 21:08

They weaponize the children.

greg 21:09

Yes, and I'm gonna say, if you're doing that, you're jacked up, stop, go see a counselor, go see a coach, get some help because you haven't even dealt with the stuff. So what you were hurt, so what things went bad, so what you felt like you were wronged, the kids didn't ask for it, the kids were put in it, stop doing that. Yeah, but so many times in blended families we do that, and it's natural because you you want to jump back in and go, I'm gonna defend myself.

jess 21:35

And you want them, you want them to be on your team, right? You want to feel validated, you want them to be able to do that.

Michael 21:40

And even from an outsider, because I didn't come from a blended family, I've seen that my whole life growing up.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

Yeah, like that.

Michael 21:46

I would say that is not uncommon in blended families.

greg 21:49

No, it's very, very that's the root cause of a lot of really dysfunctional kids in today's world. It's like parents want to set boundaries, they they want to be the good. Parents, so they give the kids whatever they want, whenever they want it. And it's not like, no, no, no, no, no. And then they talk crap about the other parent in front of them and talk about how bad they are or what they did. Your dad is this or your mom is this because they did this and they did that, which is oh God, totally irresponsible. Yeah. It's totally irresponsible and not helpful or in any means. But it happens every single day.

jess 22:26

Then what happens is it turns it into a us versus them. Like it could be a me versus Callie and Cody or you versus Thomas and Aaron Grace if we're not careful about it. I know you and I have been very careful about it.

SPEAKER_05 22:40

Yes.

jess 22:40

But a lot of folks are not mindful about it when you're, like you said, badmouthing their other parent because that it didn't go your way. Right. Or you didn't get what you wanted.

greg 22:52

Or, you know, well, you want your kids to feel the same way that you'd be like, uh it's almost like I I don't want my kids to love him because he did me wrong, or I don't want them to love him.

Michael 23:01

It's almost like you're justifying your emotions. Right. 100%. That's exactly what I think sometimes we gotta step back and ask what are the pros and cons of this? You know? It's like wow. Outside of the five minutes that you're or thirty minutes that you're being emotional, right? And in your feels and all of that. But like what does it help accomplish?

jess 23:23

Well, I'm just like, okay, let's pretend like it's a different situation for me.

greg 23:28

I can see we're getting so emotional about this because it's just so real that I don't believe. No, I'm not saying for us we've dealt with like we've met with oh my gosh, probably 10, 15 different couples who deal with this exact same thing constantly, like all the time. And so I tell them, I'm like, do not talk crap about those kids' parents in front of them. Do not. If you you may be so irate and mad, do not talk crap about it.

jess 23:56

But those babies have nothing to do with it.

greg 23:58

No, they don't. I was like, if you want to walk out of the room, the two of you can go off somewhere by yourself. Yeah. You can rant and rave all you want. And then, but not in front of those kids. You do not do it. That is not your place.

jess 24:10

It shouldn't. No. I'm just what do you gain other than, oh, I feel like the kids are on my team when you're bad mouthing the other one?

greg 24:20

For me, it tells me one, you haven't resolved the issues within yourself. Like, so you're still toting around a lot of baggage.

Michael 24:29

Yeah.

greg 24:29

And a lot of hurt, a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, whatever that may be, you've not unpacked and dealt with yourself, which tells me you're gonna have a really, really hard time health in a healthy relationship moving forward.

jess 24:39

Right. And also

Emotional Health Shapes Every Choice

jess 24:41

it's with.

Michael 24:41

So when I was in counseling, uh, especially after my divorce, and a lot of circumstances I was walking through in work life as well. I just remember being like, man, personally, I'm in the healthiest place I'd been. I had been working through divorce, I'd been working through finances after divorce, working through housing after all of these things. And I had built and worked so hard. I mean, Greg, you walked through a lot of this with me. Yeah. And I just remember being like, why am I so down? Why am I still like I feel like it's just chasing me everywhere I go? And uh my counselor said something, he's like, when you are living in emotional hurt, that affects all of your other emotions.

SPEAKER_03 25:26

Yeah.

Michael 25:26

Even the healthy ones, even the good ones, even the good things that you're working on, you're building towards. So be healthy in all areas. And if that means you got to chase something down and work through it, process it, finalize it, put it done, like knock it down, be done with it.

jess 25:41

But that's being a healthy you, and a lot of people can't address their own selves that way. Yeah. I mean, that's where that's coming to.

greg 25:49

Well, because it's easier to blame someone else. Like, so much easier. You have couples who go through an affair, and then the person who had the affair wounds up being the like, oh, they're the victim in all of this because something else happened. Like so many times it's just so you're like, what? Like this is this is so backed up, it's so different. But then we don't address those issues or work through them. And so therefore, that baggage follows you through all of your relationships.

jess 26:17

And then you dump some of that baggage on your own children. Oh, you're going to just to get them on your team or you know, think that you're the the the victim or whatever. But that puts so much more emotional stress on them that is so unhealthy. I'll tell you for them as they are growing up and become adults their own selves to make their own choices.

greg 26:38

We made this decision early and we tried really, really hard. So when Callie and Cody would come home from town with their mom, we would literally sit down with them and go, Man, we're so excited you guys are back.

jess 26:49

Tell us something fun you did with your mom.

greg 26:51

Yeah, tell me something fun you guys did. I want to hear about the cool stuff you did with your mom. Uh, tell me what's going on. Like, what'd you guys do? Uh, what's happening there?

jess 26:59

Not out of being nosy, but just trying to amp, not amp it up, but like help them see that it was a positive support. That's the word I could do.

greg 27:07

And so the idea was I I'm so glad you had fun with your mom. That's awesome. I'm glad you guys got it. Like we went and saw the latest movie. That's so cool. What did you think about the movie? Was it good? Like, just it wasn't like a I'm trying to get information. No. It never was a bad talk. Like, I'm not gonna say anything mean or hateful or degrading about them because that's their mom. And I want to support that. And so, and the reason that we were is because we were okay with who we were.

Michael 27:34

Yeah.

greg 27:34

And the decisions we had made up until then, and we resolved and unpacked those things. We don't. And all and I know we f it feels like we're crazy all over the place right now, but all this connects right back into the idea is if you don't manage those expectations and have boundaries for yourself, when Mother's Day rolls around or Father's Day rolls around, you will feel like your heart's getting cut out.

jess 27:58

Yeah.

greg 27:59

Uh it's it's hard. I'm telling you, bro, in a stem, it's hard.

jess 28:05

It is hard.

greg 28:06

Um, and so you have to be able to manage that and understand that and support each other, supporting each other and supporting the kids with their uh their mom and their dad or ever who that is.

jess 28:20

So that kind of brings us to the unpack

Doing Right Still Costs You

jess 28:24

portion.

greg 28:24

Already? I mean Can I can I say this though? I'm gonna jump on my soapbox real quick.

unknown 28:30

Okay.

greg 28:31

So follow, follow with me. I I I can't tell you how many times I've sat down with a couple and they tell me I can't stand so-and-so's blah blah blah, husband, wife. I can't stand, they do this, they do that. All they're trying to do is tear us down. All they want to do is this. It's like they are like they're talking it just goes on and on and on, and I'm like, just stop. Like, just stop. Do you say what do you say? Like when you're around them, what are the words that you use to encourage the mom to encourage that? Because here's the reality of the truth. We even say if you do the right thing, you'll always win. That's not that's not true. Doing the right thing means you're probably gonna lose. And lose is I mean, that's a it's an interesting perspective because I don't I don't know what you call winning and losing in this. Um But I'm telling you this, uh call me a loser or whatever, but I'm not gonna bad talk um the kids' moms or the kids' dads to make myself feel better about the decisions I made. If I'm not okay with the decisions I've made, I shouldn't have made them. Those are my decisions, they weren't the kids, the kids didn't ask for this.

Michael 29:45

Yeah.

greg 29:46

And so, in the same sense, I look at and go, you're in this relationship, you made these decisions, stand behind the decisions you made, support them. Because I guarantee you they they may or may not talk great about you. They may talk crap about you when you're not around. So what? That doesn't have anything to do with you.

Michael 30:04

Well, and also like my question is we all have good days and bad days. Emotions can change with the direction of the wind so quickly. But if you're wanting to look for your own well-being, your family's well-being, you and your spouse. The question is, which is gonna provide more stability? You being healthy because someone else's decisions or you being healthy because of your decisions.

SPEAKER_05 30:35

Yeah, yeah.

Michael 30:36

And that's are you gonna be healthy because of a poor decision someone else made? How long is that gonna last? Because realistically you're gonna be looking, waiting for them to make another poor decision so that you can boost yourself up again because it's not lasting.

jess 30:49

And that's the difference about the boosting yourself up part. That's where you have to be careful.

Michael 30:53

Well, it's a false boost, yeah, right? It's not really a boost.

jess 30:57

It's based on a circumstance.

Michael 30:58

Absolutely. It's not a long-lasting. It does that that kind of, and I don't know, the the word I'm going to is confidence. That kind of confidence in yourself is not long lasting.

jess 31:10

No, and it's shaky at best.

Michael 31:12

But and Greg, you talk about when you do what's right, you're not always a winner. But that's the peace. Boom.

Define The Win As Peace

greg 31:20

But I have the peace within me knowing that I did the right thing. That's for me, that's what it's about.

Michael 31:25

Well, define the win. Define the win. Is the win you just feeling better, that you're better than the other person? Is that the win? Or is the win that you're actually truly confident in yourself and who you are and what you're doing?

jess 31:39

I feel like a lot of times, not a lot, most of the time, we define a win as did we do the right thing for the kids? Right.

Michael 31:45

I think that's the key. And that's significantly different. Yeah. So uh that's many times we don't define the win, we chase the feeling. Yes.

jess 31:56

Yeah, and you have always, always, always been way better at navigating that feeling than I have. Because I'm an emotional, I'm an I'm a girl. That's just what we do. But you have always been so much better. And I applaud you for being able to get there, even before you met me.

greg 32:14

Well, there were times where you'd be like, you need to fight for that. And I'd be like, No, we don't.

jess 32:18

Well, you need to say this. And why did you not say this? And so there's there was one.

greg 32:24

There's been a lot of those conversations, yes.

jess 32:26

Between us, yes. But there was one time you said, Okay, I'm gonna show you what happens when I address this. It didn't go well. And I as soon as we got off the phone collectively, I was like, Okay, you were right, and I will literally never say that again. Never.

greg 32:43

It wasn't, it's it's for me. I've always run it through the filter of I love my kids. I want to protect their heart.

jess 32:52

Yes.

greg 32:52

And so I'm gonna do, you know what? I'll take it on the chin. So what? I don't care. I don't I don't care if you say the hard things about me. I don't care if you say things that are not true about me. That doesn't matter because I know the truth always wins. And no matter what that time, that time frame may look different for me than it does for other people.

jess 33:15

That conversation was early, early, early in our marriage.

greg 33:18

Yeah.

jess 33:19

And so I was still in the defending you part, and I had not learned firsthand yet of what it looked like. Oh, wait, no, that's not what it's about. We're defending the kids' hearts and the kids' future and the kids' emotional health.

greg 33:36

Yeah.

jess 33:37

So I mean, I had to learn that lesson.

greg 33:39

And I'm okay if I don't come out as the winning parent. I'm okay. Um our kids came to our house, they had rules, they had tours, they had things to do, um, they had set things that were there, and they weren't always fun. We didn't do always do a fun stuff. We tried to make it as fun as we could, but at the same time, it's like we set the expectations, we had those set. Um but I always always fought to protect the hearts of our kids, no matter what. Even with Thomas and Aaron, like hey, I I'm not gonna act like you didn't have a dad before me. I'm not gonna act like that didn't exist. Um I'm not gonna act like even with Callie and Cody, that hey, things with me and your mom didn't work out. I'm not gonna act like she did something, I did something. That's that's not the case.

jess 34:33

That's neither here nor there, as far as they are concerned.

greg 34:35

Yeah, I love you and I'm here to support you. And I'm whatever you need, I'm here for that. So that's the hard part because I'm I'm I'm telling you, if you take that stand, you will take it on the chin more than once. And it's not fun.

Choosing Not To Be “Winning”

Michael 34:50

So can I ask and and if this is you repeating yourself, you can make it very brief. What drove you to the point to say that you're okay with not being the winning parent? Because I can imagine that that was a heavy battle to fight in your own mind.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Yeah.

greg 35:08

I it it wasn't quick, I can tell you that. It took me a while to get there. Um I think I was just so broken, so I if I'm honest, I didn't I didn't have much to offer other than the tr the truth and my love. I was just like, I I love you and I care about you. Um I don't know the narrative that was shared on the other side, and that's okay. I don't need to know. Um I wanted to know. Of course we do. Yeah, you know, we all wanted to know.

Michael 35:49

I can't imagine.

greg 35:51

Yeah, but it's like I I told my kid, I I told Jess this is like I'm never gonna tell my kids what happened. Unless they asked. Unless my kids ask. I was never, never gonna indulge anything.

jess 36:04

Years, years later, at different times. They did ask.

greg 36:08

They did. And we had conversations around it. And then again, at the same time, I still honored their mom. I didn't throw their mom under the bus and any of that because that was never my intention. It still isn't to this day. Um, I don't want to dishonor them in any way because it's ridiculous. Like I don't hold I don't hold anger, I don't hold hurt, I don't there's of course it's hurt, there's scars, but I don't hold animosity, I don't hold any of those things toward any of uh her at all. Like if anything, uh Jess and I literally have prayed for her and her husband to have that they have a great marriage. Like that's what I want. Because I want our kids, like even early on, I was like, I want our kids to see healthy marriages. Yeah, I want us, I want them to see what healthy, thriving, good relationships look like. Even when things go south, you can still have good relationships. Like you you can still work through that. But I think for me it was like I wanted to be justified, but that was all man. When I really, really, really dug into it, it was just about me. It was ego-driven. Like, I just want to be right. And I'm like, why does it matter if I'm right or if I'm wrong? Like, what does it really matter? Who cares? And so for me, early on, it just was kind of that this is not about me anymore. And so I love them and I want that to be best for them. And if I'm trying to justify myself, I'm trying to make myself right in their eyes, and that's just that's about ego, and that's about me.

Michael 37:40

And so many times, not to make it sound weird or whatnot, but the battlefield of proving yourself right creates so many casualties. Yeah.

jess 37:52

And it's exhausting.

Michael 37:54

It is exhausting.

Realistic Expectations And Growing Kids

jess 37:55

But to tie it back into what we were talking about with how to have some healthy boundaries with this not Mother's Day and Father's Day are days where it's like, oh, it's all about me.

greg 38:07

It is we try to make it about it.

jess 38:09

Yes. But is it?

greg 38:12

Yeah.

jess 38:12

And so I feel like that's kind of that's a boundary that we have to be careful of in a blended family.

greg 38:18

It is. You have to manage that in a way. I told Jess, I was like, you're you're my favorite and I love you. Whatever you want to do today, I'm gonna do it. I don't care what it is.

Michael 38:29

Yeah.

greg 38:29

And if our kids choose to join us, because I get it, our kids are grown, they got their own family, they're getting their own families, they're getting their own lives. And if I'm pissed at them because they're not, you know, dropping everything at your there's a part of you that want your kids to be like, I just want to be with you.

jess 38:46

Yeah.

greg 38:46

But there's also a part of me that goes perfect.

jess 38:48

I'm not saying I'm perfect because I did get my feelings hurt over a couple of things this past Mother's Day weekend. But as soon as I felt that, I was like, that's not okay.

greg 39:01

But we we actually had I mean we had some conversations about it. They're growing up. Life is changing, life is different, it's not the same. And um, but that's okay because we have each other.

jess 39:14

Yeah, and it's a lesson that you learn over and over again as everything changes and they grow up and they have their own lives.

greg 39:20

Yeah, and it's I'm telling you, it's it's not easy. It's it's mean. What is that? The guy said, man, what's your favorite thing about having kids? And he's like watching them grow up. But it's also the worst thing. What's the worst thing? He's that watching them growing up, yeah. Because it's like, yeah, they get their own families. But there's you're like, okay, cool. That's what we wanted. That's what we prayed for, that's what we worked for. That's the reason we we pushed our kids the way they did, that they would love and grow and be families that we would be happy with.

jess 39:55

And so also on an old saying, like the best thing you can give your kids are roots and wings. It's like sometimes I want their roots to be a little deeper and harder to pick up.

Michael 40:06

The wings a little less strong.

jess 40:08

Yeah, and the wings like smaller, yeah, a little bit more fragile, but that's what we want.

greg 40:13

But again, it's it's having some realistic expectations, though. Not it's not about you. I told I told a guy one time, we we just met, and he was like, he was about to get married, he's about to have a blend of family, and he goes, What's one advice? And I was like, if I'm gonna tell you one thing, walk away from this point on, it's not about you at all. Period. Like you come down on the list. And a lot of people would say, Well, that's not true.

Michael 40:39

That's wrong.

greg 40:40

But I would tell you, I was like, there's so many things that fall, like you want to be right, you want to be right by her, you want to be right by this, it's not about you. I want to do this, I want to do that, it's not about you. Like, there's so many people that come before you now. So if you make this choice, just know. This isn't like, bro, if you're still thinking you, you're not ready for this. And so it's okay. But I think about when we started this, like we literally started this, and all our kids were playing in the yard, and we're just like do we do we really think what are we doing? Yeah, we can pull this off. Like, who are we? Like, our kids come, my two kids come from divorce, your two kids come from losing their dad, and here we are putting this together. And then and then I look at just as crazy as it is, you fast forward till now. Was it yesterday? Lucy and I were playing with a sprinkler. Yeah. Yeah, our grandbaby and I were playing with a sprinkler in the in the driveway, both soaking wet, having a blast, and I look at and I go, This is the thing we hoped for. This is the thing we wanted, and here we are. So it's like, don't lose focus of that. Like I could be selfish and go, I want my way, bro. I'm telling you, my way was sitting in the driveway playing with that little girl. So it's like we get sidetracked with, I just want to be right. And I was like, what does that matter? Who cares?

SPEAKER_01 42:09

Yeah.

greg 42:10

And so when you're thinking of Mother's Day's gone, yeah, Father's Day's coming up, dad's, have some reasonable expectations. Don't get your feelings hurt, be honest, but for the love of God, respect the other person, whether they deserve it, whether they need it, whether they should have it. Don't bad talk. If you're at the point where you're doing that, stop. Just stop. Um and all you can do is just love on them and support them.

unknown 42:40

Yeah.

greg 42:41

That's my advice to just, I mean, if I'm unpacking, that's my unpack for tonight. It's just don't do that crap. Um love your kids. Your kids didn't ask for this, they're in it. Uh they're they're they're here and they're trying to figure it out too, the same as you. So wow, what a freaking heavy topic, man. But one that we don't discuss much is blinded families, and blended families act like it doesn't exist and it's freaking there all the time. It is. Yeah, because I get it. There's some crazy exes out there who want to sue you, take you to court, do all the things. I get it.

jess 43:23

But you just nailed it. Just remember your kids didn't ask for any of it.

greg 43:27

Yeah, yeah. And leave them out of it.

jess 43:28

Period. No matter how you got there.

greg 43:30

Yep.

jess 43:31

Whether it's my story or your story. The kids didn't ask for it.

greg 43:34

Yeah.

Audit Invitation And Closing Thanks

greg 43:35

So my advice, love like today's the last day. Hug, share, love. It's all the fun stuff. Because you don't know what you have. You don't know what's ahead of you. And um, thank you for being a part of Baggage Claim. Thank you for listening. Thank you for downloading. Thank you for I just I can't say thank you enough for for listening to us, for being a part of this. If you're still Here and you haven't checked out or moved on.

SPEAKER_05 44:02

Thank you.

greg 44:03

Yeah. Bless your heart. So please keep like subscribe. If you feel crazy enough and you're just like, bro, this baggage claim thing is interesting. Go to our website, unpacktogether.com. There's an audit there you can take. It's like 27 questions. You can do it on your phone, laptop, whatever. Get some results. Uh, figure out where it is that you're that literally takes less than five minutes.

jess 44:28

I did it, and the results were super accurate. Yeah. You just gotta be honest.

greg 44:32

You gotta be honest. Yeah. Um, but it's it's kind of a fun thing. Go to unpack together.com, take the audit. Uh, we're not trying to sell you anything, we're not trying to push anything. We have some stuff coming out. You can get on a wait list for some training stuff we have coming out. It's all there. Um, you can find it. If you can't, DM us, send us a message. Um, but thank you for for following follow us on all the socials. All of them are out there. We're on all of them. I think the only one we're not on is LinkedIn for obvious reasons. But we're not on LinkedIn, but uh anyway, uh outside of that, we're on all the others, and uh thank you guys so much. Love you guys for listening to us. And like anything else to add?

jess 45:14

Even though I have on a Braves jersey today, as always.

SPEAKER_03 45:19

Go Dogs.