A Six Month Marriage Reset That Actually Works

A thriving marriage isn’t luck, and it definitely isn’t a roll of the dice. We’re six months into the year, so we’re doing a real-time marriage check-in and asking the question most couples avoid: if the tools to build a strong relationship are sitting right in front of you, will you pick them up, or will you keep hoping things magically get better?

We talk through what makes check-ins work without turning into a fight. That means setting ground rules, celebrating wins first, dropping the blame game, and building what we call “umbrella protection” so both people can be honest without shame. Michael also shares a powerful navigation story from old school ocean travel: even a one-degree drift can land you miles away from where you meant to go. That metaphor hits hard when you’ve ever heard the words “we just grew apart.”

To keep it practical, we narrow the focus to three areas that drive most conflict in marriage and blended families: time, attention, and emotional connection. We explain how to rate each one, how to talk about the “why” behind the number, and how to spot the moments you worked well as a team versus the moments things fell apart. If you want a proactive marriage, this is a simple reset you can do anytime, even on vacation.

If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs a reset, and leave a quick review so more couples can find the tools to keep unpacking.

Transcript

Welcome To The Chaos

greg 0:00

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_06 0:06

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Pagage Glane. Thank you for joining us.

Michael 0:16

Said I was ready. Welcome to Baggage Glaim. Greg just knocked over Jess's water.

jess 0:31

All over the floor. Yay. Baggage Claim.

greg 0:36

Welcome to Baggage Claim, everyone. Thank you for joining us today. What a crap show. Professional. If you're in a marriage, a blended family, you have found your home. Welcome. Come in, take your shirt off, pants off. No, don't do that. I'm sorry. Hey. Well, only if you're in your home, not if you're in our home or you're in the bed. Cool. If you're in the car, don't. What? Sorry. She keeps saying babe. That's my. Welcome to Baggy Sclaim, everyone. On a serious note, this is a pleasure. We're hoping to create some conversation and community around marriage and blended family. Sorry, we're having a good time tonight. Well, it's also summer.

Michael 1:20

It's summer, and we're into episode two in the same night. Yes, we are. We're in the middle of summer, so like y'all are going on vacation next week.

jess 1:29

We're going on vacation like 14 times.

Michael 1:31

I'm on vacation the week after that. And then y'all are back for a week, but then I'm gone for a week. So we're having to double up, triple up some nights.

jess 1:38

And Miranda is gonna be gone 14 times this summer, too. So it's like a lot of moving parts. So we're just doing what we can.

Michael 1:44

So we're trying to knock all this out in a couple of nights. Yes. And so bear with us.

greg 1:49

Uh if you're new here, it's not like this all the time. Just every every every now and then. Just every Tuesday. Yeah, every Tuesday.

Michael 1:56

Every Tuesday.

jess 1:57

Every Tuesday when we record. Not all the time. Yeah.

greg 2:00

So we drop episodes every Tuesday. This is a place where we just talk about relationships and all the fun stuff in between. And um I'm excited about what we're talking about tonight because it it it really is kind of a uh a cool thing. Back uh we did an episode in January.

jess 2:18

I think it was end of the year, first of January.

greg 2:22

Yes, episode 43. Miranda, what was the title of that?

SPEAKER_04 2:26

Small Steps, Real Change, a year-end marriage check-in. Awesome.

greg 2:31

So we're six months removed from that, I think, if my math is correct.

jess 2:35

We are six months into the new year.

greg 2:36

So we wanted to we wanted to do something and say, hey, what if we checked in with our check-in? And what if we just took a look about where we're at? But I before that, I want to ask a question.

jess 2:48

You know what I think is interesting? You just said we're six months removed from that. And I said, Yeah, we're six months into the new year. Ooh, those were opposites.

greg 2:58

They were removed and opposite. But what if what if I told you, everyone listening out there, after that ridiculous intro that we just did? Thank you. If you're still with us, thank you. What if I told you a thriving marriage isn't a roll of the dice? What if I told you that you have all the tools to build what it is that you need sitting right in front of you, would you pick them up and do them? So that's the question for tonight. That's kind of the lead in to where it is. If a thriving marriage isn't just a roll of the dice, but if you had all the tools sitting in front of you to pick up and create this thriving marriage, would you do it?

unknown 3:46

Okay.

greg 3:47

So that's the question we're gonna jump into. Sorry? That's a good question. Thank you, sir. Thank you for thank you for saying that. Thank you for asking it. Yes, thank you for asking my question. I asked the question. So, anyway, that's what we're gonna be digging into today. So, but before we get too far into that topic, because I just don't want, you know, I tend to get ahead of myself. Every episode. Every single episode. Every single time.

jess 4:13

Yes.

greg 4:13

So I'm thralling back. And um I'm so proud of you.

jess 4:16

Thank you. It's growth.

greg 4:17

So what are we doing now? So what so if I'm not talking, what are we doing?

jess 4:21

It is questions.

SPEAKER_04 4:26

Miranda? Okay.

If Our Pets Had TikTok

SPEAKER_04 4:29

If your pet had a TikTok, what kind of content would they make?

Michael 4:34

Ooh, if your pet had a TikTok, what content would it make?

jess 4:38

Yeah. Okay. Most of us in this room, while we're recording this evening, we're dog people. We have a cat. We well, my cat, yeah. And me and Greg, we have an outside cat. But so our answer is gonna be dog.

Michael 4:54

Mine will be dog related.

jess 4:55

Yeah.

Michael 4:56

I don't know. I feel okay, so I got two, because if it was Nala, I feel like she would be posting like survival videos. Yes. Like survival, you gotta say what that is. That's your outside cat. So Nala is my barn cat. So I live out in the woods on the backside of a cow farm, tons of cows, bunch of woods everywhere around. So she is outside to you inherited the cat from Miranda A.

jess 5:16

Thomas. From Miranda A.

Michael 5:17

Thomas, yes. Um, she has been not a city cat. No, she was not a city cat. She is a uh purebred born wild feline specimen. Yeah. Um, and she does great at that. I've already had both mice and birds left at my doorstep over the past week.

jess 5:35

Well, she's giving you presents.

Michael 5:36

She is. She is. She's a sweet cat.

jess 5:38

Um, so she would send you survival TikToks.

Michael 5:41

She would be like, This is how you thrive in the wild.

jess 5:44

Like, I know that would be the what about the dog point of view?

Michael 5:47

Um, the dog would be like pimped out, yo, this is my crib. And then he'd be like, oh, because he always runs away. There's a like you have to tell what kind of dog you have, though. So I got a big old black lab. He's a big old baby, he's about 10 years old, and he's like 95 pounds, massive. He thinks he's a lap dog. The chillest lab.

SPEAKER_03 6:06

He's the goodest boy, though. He is the goodest. He's the goodest boy.

Michael 6:09

He really is. But he also has some friends that live about a quarter of a mile away that he has discovered over the many years of living on this property. Nice, yeah. Because whenever he runs away, I'm pretty sure I know where I can find him. Uh so I feel like one, it would be hey, check out my crib because this is where I hang out all day, right? You know. Um, but then he's also like, oh yeah, check out my friends. This is the lake where we go to, we hang out, we jump in the mud hole. Like all these things. Like that would be Max. Absolutely. I would follow that TikTok channel. All right, Miranda.

SPEAKER_04 6:42

You have two very, very, very different dogs. Yes. I feel like Jack's would be a little mixture of like conspiracy theory. He's a nervous wretch. But also parkour.

Michael 6:54

Parkour?

jess 6:55

Yes.

Michael 6:55

Yes. That dog is. I agree with that.

jess 6:58

Max is a Max. That's your dog.

Michael 7:01

That's my dog.

jess 7:02

I was looking at you when I said it. Jack, he is a a mutt, but there's a lot of like lab whippet uh mixture in him. Yeah. So he's big and he's skinny, so he doesn't realize his size. No, he does not.

greg 7:16

It's like you make some meth and cocaine together and gave it to that dog and put black fur on it.

jess 7:21

Yeah. That dog is just so sweet, though. But he doesn't know he's a big guy. No, not at all.

SPEAKER_04 7:28

Parkour fits him greatly.

greg 7:30

Yeah, that does. Next, what's your other maple?

SPEAKER_04 7:33

I think would have a cooking channel. She would.

Michael 7:36

I can see that. Absolutely.

jess 7:38

She's a chunker. She's a she's a mutt too, but she's got some like pit in her and something else that makes her short and stocky. Like short, short. She's a chunker. She's a chunker.

Michael 7:50

Yeah. This is a great question. I'm enjoying this one.

jess 7:53

Yeah, Maple would definitely have a cooking channel.

Michael 7:55

So you take one of our dogs, I'll take the other dog.

jess 7:58

Okay, well, I'll take it. They will. I'm gonna take Bailey because he's my dog.

Michael 8:05

Oh.

jess 8:06

We have two golden doodles. Um, Bailey is a mini golden doodle, and mini is like a loose term.

greg 8:14

He's he weighs about 18 to 20 pounds.

jess 8:17

Yeah, he's a chunker for a quote unquote mini. He's he well, when we got him, he was black as night.

greg 8:23

Like he's probably over 20 now.

jess 8:25

He's a chunker. Yeah, he likes to go. He's a big boy. Yeah. But the more haircuts he got when he was a little guy, I mean he's like a silverback gorilla color. Yeah.

greg 8:34

He's just like changed colors completely.

jess 8:37

But he is so scared. He is the most little anxiety-ridden guy. I feel like he would probably get on Jack's channel of like some conspiracy theories, but also like how to be a mama's boy. Like he wants to be under my legs, like if I had my feet propped up and we're in the living room, he wants or even under like when we're eating supper, he wants to be under my chair. He's a mama's boy. So he'd be a cross between like a conspiracy theory and how to be a mama's boy.

Michael 9:05

Yeah.

jess 9:06

I feel like he also would have videos about kids.

SPEAKER_04 9:10

He is the best with littles.

greg 9:12

Yeah, Lucy rides him like a horse. She does, sets on him, stands on him, and he doesn't do anything. He's so patient. Yeah, he's just like such a good dog.

jess 9:21

He and he wants to give Lucy all the kisses.

greg 9:23

Yeah, he's always only her.

SPEAKER_04 9:25

Only her.

jess 9:26

But like he can be literally, I have my feet propped up, and he'll be laying under my legs, and then is like he won't move, but Lucy wants to move through there, and she'll just step all over him, and then she'll grab his ears or pull on his tail, and he's just like, You're the best thing ever.

greg 9:42

Yeah, he doesn't do anything.

jess 9:43

He's the sweetest. So Baxter, that's your dog.

greg 9:46

So Baxter is our miniature petite golden doodle, and he's maybe a whopping 12 pounds.

jess 9:53

12 pounds.

greg 9:53

Maybe. Maybe it that's pushing.

jess 9:56

Maybe.

greg 9:57

So um I would think Baxter's kind of blonde head. He looks like uh the dog version of me a little bit. Yes, he does. He kind of has my personality. Um he literally follows me around the house with the show.

jess 10:09

He's hyper, hyper focused on you. Like we were trying to watch a movie last night, and he was just literally on the the like the upholstered ottoman and staring at me.

greg 10:21

You you just literally staring at me does that.

jess 10:27

You can tune it out. I can't, because now he's developed within the last couple months, or maybe just since I've been home for the summer, he's developed this fake gag reflex thing he does trying to get attention. And he was just staring at you and doing this sound, and you were just like, we were watching the movie, and all of a sudden I said, Can you please pay attention to your dog? Because he's gonna fake himself into gagging if you're gonna be. He clears his throat.

Michael 10:53

Yeah, to get your attention. Yeah, he was and But I will say it's the politest little clearing of the throat in the world.

jess 10:59

It is polite. Except for when Why are you so down on Baxter too? He's just a nervous wreck. No, he's not.

greg 11:05

He's you you make him, you take your anxiety.

jess 11:08

But also what he what he taught himself is if their food or water bowl is empty or almost empty, he will go and he'll nudge the whole getup where it's at and he'll flip the bowls.

greg 11:22

This is not this was my you you've taken over mine. I told you they would be different. Yes, you've taken over. You've made Bagstroud to be this high maintenance like he communicates. He talks.

Michael 11:34

He's actually quite brilliant.

greg 11:35

Yes, he's a smart dog. He's just letting you know what he wants. He is a highly intelligent, so his TikTok would be full of frat parties like beer pong. He's going to he's go he loves he loves football and he loves to eat popcorn.

jess 11:51

He does. I think he would also be on the survival list uh TikTok, like how he can figure out how to make that work.

Michael 11:59

Yeah, like he's a smart little guy. He's smart. He's uh yeah. Can I have input as to what I think his uh TikTok would be?

jess 12:05

Yes, because you know Baxter and Bailey very well.

Michael 12:07

I do. So in the movie We Were Soldiers, great movie, by the way, they define their general as the guy who tested parachutes. I feel like I feel like Baxter would be the one who tests parachutes and makes videos of all of his jumps. I could see that.

jess 12:28

I could see that. He'd be like, let's go, guys, wow, and they just jump out of the plane. I could see that. Yeah, because as long as his dad was with him. If Brad was there holding his hand, yes, he'd be like, he'd be wearing the goggles and the whole get up.

greg 12:40

Because he just is just slamming Baxter hand over fist. When Bailey barks so needy when Bailey barks at a squirrel, a deer, a leaf in the yard. Or the wind blowing. Yeah, the wind, something made a sound, so he's barking at it. So what Baxter does is jumps on him and starts attacking him.

jess 12:58

And then Baxter gets in trouble. I know.

greg 13:00

Yeah, you get on to Baxter for he's trying to tell him to shut up. And you get mad at Baxter.

jess 13:05

No, I know.

SPEAKER_03 13:06

It's a whole thing.

greg 13:07

Yeah.

Michael 13:08

It's a great question. I don't know who came up with that question, but it's a great question. We spent six minutes. I know, right?

greg 13:14

If you're still here, thank you after the intro and all of that. Now you know so much about our pets.

jess 13:20

And then I challenge you to give your own pet like what you think their TikTok might be, and that says a lot.

greg 13:26

I love I love it. We love our dogs. I love our buddies. So all right, jumping into our topic.

The Six Month Marriage Check In

greg 13:32

So our topic overview is back in episode 43 again. What was that, Miranda? Boom, go.

SPEAKER_05 13:38

Uh, small steps, real change, a year-in, marriage check-in.

greg 13:42

So we took uh at the first of at January, and it doesn't have to be January that you do this. We just thought it was a good natural flow for where we're at. We created a marriage reflection check-in sheet. Uh, we put that up online. It's still there for if you want to find it on our Facebook. You find it on Facebook, Miranda.

jess 14:01

Yeah, Facebook, Instagram.

greg 14:03

It's on our links. Links downloads.

jess 14:05

The easiest place I found it was on our Instagram.

greg 14:07

Just go to the link tree. It's down at the bottom of the link tree.

jess 14:12

It'll tell you, like, oh, you've already done this or whatever, but really it'll go in your email inbox.

greg 14:16

So it's a really cool worksheet we put together for a couple is just to say, hey, this is something just to check in and see where you're at. Kind of like take a snapshot of the year.

Michael 14:28

Yeah.

greg 14:28

Um, maybe six months of the year could be the whole year, whatever it is you're at in that journey. And so we wanted to revisit that since we're six months in.

jess 14:36

Yeah, it's broken down in categories, so it's not like this whole like, you know, eating an elephant one bite at a time or whatever that phrase is, but it was like we broke it down. Okay. I've never I've only seen an elephant that's you one time.

Michael 14:52

I've ridden an elephant before.

jess 14:53

No. Of course not. But what I'm trying to say is it we that's a marriage is a huge subject in general. Yeah, so we tried our best to break it down into specific categories to help couples talk about where we're at and why we're here.

greg 15:10

Well, the the thing is we wanted to give you, because we asked, hey, if I could give you the tools to have a thriving marriage, would you pick them up and use them? Like all you gotta do is use the tools. I'm gonna give you the tools, but you have to pick the tools up to build this. Like a hammer is an incredible tool. But if you don't use it or know how to use it, then it's not really good for anything. Yeah. The same is true for marriage. Like, we can give you all of this stuff, but unless you pick it up to use it, like it's not really any case. So you may be asking, and I don't I don't know if we're here yet. Like, why do we check in?

Michael 15:42

Are we there at that point? Not yet, but I mean we can talk about it, but I mean, I think the importance is like even when you look at businesses, any organization ever there's a period of awareness, self-reflection, self-analyzation, figuring out what worked, what didn't work, and then move forward.

jess 16:03

And then make changes to adjust. Yeah, and make changes to adjust.

Michael 16:06

The reality is if you want a successful business, you must do those things.

jess 16:11

And then in correlation to a marriage, if you ask any married couple, if I if I gave you these three easy tools to make your air your marriage work, would you pick them up? Everybody's gonna say yes. But then like, are you really?

greg 16:26

Yeah, are you really right?

jess 16:28

That's that's the question.

Tools Only Work If Used

jess 16:29

Yeah.

greg 16:29

I mean, yeah, this is the that's this is the simplicity of it.

jess 16:32

Yeah.

greg 16:32

So I think though, in doing this, there's a you have to be careful when doing these kind of check-ins, kind of like self-evaluation assessment things. Because you can tend to get it can it it can get heated really quick. So what we need to do in order to help this is because this is literally not to start a fight.

jess 16:54

It's not a blame game.

greg 16:55

We started baggage claim, literally started baggage claim because we wanted something to help us thrive in marriage. And so we're like, we can't find that anything out there that we like. So let's create something we like for ourselves. And if you find value in it, then take it off and use it.

jess 17:12

And we're not saying we tried a few things and it was like, eh, but we looked for 13 years at that at that point. We looked for 13 years for things that were practical that will work for blended families, number one, because that's where our heart is, because that's what we are, but marriage in general, because we realize the more we work through blended family issues, it's like, wait, this really actually works for everybody.

Michael 17:36

Right. Yeah. Yes. And many times the the hard thing when you do these analyses of your marriage. Analyses? Is that a right word? Sometimes I make up words. It is that's I've never heard of assessment.

jess 17:51

I feel like that's like a plural.

Michael 17:53

Yeah, we'll take it. Right?

jess 17:54

It's better than analysis.

Michael 17:56

You understood what I meant. Yeah, I did. It's a good word. So I may have made up a word. I don't know. I don't know if I didn't know.

jess 18:01

We're gonna go with it. I like it.

Michael 18:02

Um, when you do this, we're talking about personal things. Yes. Things that are very much deep rooted in who we are, how we do things, or more specifically, how we messed up.

greg 18:14

Yes.

jess 18:15

That's the harder part.

Michael 18:16

That is the hardest part. Because the reality is when you look at growth in in any concept of teaching growth, growth requires loss. Because you must take away that which holds you back.

jess 18:30

That's a heavy statement.

Michael 18:32

That loss requires pain. Therefore, growth requires pain.

jess 18:38

Loss, though.

Michael 18:39

Yes. So when we don't want to lose. We don't. We don't very much. We want to hold so many things close to us, but the reality is if you want to grow, you must get rid of that which is bad so that you can take on that which is good. So if we do that, and loss usually reveals that's why I'm in my brain right now.

jess 18:59

I'm sorry, I know we're recording, but loss is a heavy word.

Michael 19:04

It is.

jess 19:05

I don't and that I feel like that's probably where we're going too, though, in this whole discussion. But like when you're discussing like what works and what doesn't work, that doesn't mean a win or a lose, though. No, always. But it might feel that way.

Michael 19:19

Well, I mean, think about it. When you want to lose weight, you want to grow healthy, right? You gotta go to the gym. You gotta cut something out. You gotta cut something out. Maybe you gotta cut out sweets, maybe you gotta cut out that, you know, dessert after dinner, whatever that is. However, when you talk about a relationship, we're not talking about physical growth, even though that can be part of it.

jess 19:40

It's part of it.

Michael 19:41

We're also talking about emotional growth, yeah. Therefore, it also requires sometimes a little bit of emotional loss, you know, it's emotional hurt.

jess 19:50

Can in this situation, can the words growth and loss be interchangeable?

Michael 19:57

No. And I can explain that especially through my divorce and what we've talked about this many times, okay, Greg. Like I was like, I mean, how many times did I tell you? Because I know I said it over and over and over again, you can have growth. Growth requires loss and hurt, but hurt and loss does not always guarantee growth. No, yeah. You can go through hurt and it not give you growth.

greg 20:23

The the thing for you, and you're getting I I think what you're getting stuck on loss.

jess 20:28

I know how my brain works.

greg 20:29

Yeah, you're thinking loss of something permanent is gone from you, like you've lost that.

Michael 20:36

Right.

greg 20:36

But here's here's the thing I would challenge you in, and we've talked about this. How many couples or how many people have we seen who's lost someone very dear to them and they get stuck there?

jess 20:48

Okay, yeah.

greg 20:48

So they never grow from that, they always get stuck in that place. So that's where there's the opportunity for you to grow and learn from that. And I think that's where uh you talk about you learn to find happiness in the little things and all those. You took this opportunity to grow through that really that pain and that loss. Like you had the loss and the pain, you could grow through that.

jess 21:10

And I guess that's why I'm kind of uh some people choose not to do that. Stumbling with that.

Michael 21:16

Well, I mean, my main statement to you over and over again when we were walking through divorce was I'm going through hurt and loss. I need guidance from outside my perspective to make sure I grow.

greg 21:28

Right.

Michael 21:29

Like, don't let me go through because I'm going through a hell of a lot of hurt.

jess 21:33

Right.

Michael 21:33

And a hell of a lot of loss.

jess 21:34

And not to compare.

Michael 21:35

I do not want to get through this without growth.

jess 21:38

Yeah, not to compare our situations, but like my situation, I was 32 and there were no that had nobody to help me through that loss slash growth. But you, thank God, yeah.

Michael 22:00

The growth could come from the growth.

jess 22:03

I don't mean to get stuck on that. I'm stuck in the street. No, that's a great point, though.

greg 22:06

That's a great concept. But even if you're in your your marriage and no one, there's no been no great loss, or there's no tragedy, there's no there may not be a lot of trauma. You need to be like, look, man, we're okay. I think we're okay. Right. We're not living our best life, but we're surviving. Like we're treading water. I'm saying, but what if there's more? Like what if you can have more? But in order for you to have more, you're gonna have to let go of some things to move forward. Well, then letting go means you have to talk to each other and look at each other with like, we use the idea that umbrella protection. I need this umbrella protection. This is one of those conversations. I need a safe space where I can be honest. You can be honest. I'm not shaming you, I'm not throwing blame on you. This is on us. This is a something for us to grow through together.

Michael 22:52

Just an awareness.

greg 22:53

Right. And so we're just evaluating and assessing what happened, what was truth, what can we change, what do we need to do differently? And so we get caught up sometimes and we take that so personal that you're just trying to attack me and be like, no, no, no. If we don't move, if we don't figure out what we did wrong, we can do the same thing again when it comes up.

Michael 23:13

Do you ever find yourself having the same arguments over and over again? Yes. This comes from a lack of awareness and a lack of a check-in, quote unquote, right?

jess 23:21

So instead of a loss, could you look at it uh through a like, and I'm we're not a guard, we're not gardeners in our family because we have deer that eat everything. Could it be more like a pruning? Like you're you're trimming back things that like sure you may lose part of the plant. Hypothetically speaking, again, we're not I'm not a gardener. But you're pruning back things that may feel like a loss, but really it's gonna make the the whole unit.

greg 23:51

Usually you prune things that are dead, that are that are dead or dying to make the other plant healthier.

jess 23:56

So it's not truly so it's not a loss.

greg 23:59

Well, it's I mean it's not, but it is.

Michael 24:03

Well, and if you can think of your marriage in the same way, it's not a loss. That's where I was going. And I don't I don't want us to get hung up on this and spend the entire Okay, I'm sorry. I mean, honestly, we could spend an entire episode on something like that.

greg 24:13

Yes, we could, but that's not the intention of this one.

jess 24:16

It's not. And I'm sorry, I got carried away. It's okay on one word.

greg 24:21

You you you you did anchor to that one really quick.

jess 24:24

I didn't mean to.

greg 24:25

Yeah, it's all right.

jess 24:26

That's not what we had talked about at all.

greg 24:28

So we So we talked about you need a safe space, you had to have this umbrella protection. This isn't a blame game, it's not shame, it's not one on the other. Uh, but the idea is that we walk through this together to figure out where we're at. And you may be like, okay, Greg, I get that, but why? Like, what's the again, what's the purpose? And we talked about successful companies, successful uh organizations. Um they know what they're doing and why they're doing it, but this is kind of the concept, the concept, the idea of why we're doing it is Michael, you want to unpack that for us a little

Growth Can Hurt Without Shame

greg 25:02

bit?

Michael 25:02

Yeah, for sure. Um, sometimes I nerd out, geek out. I love history. Um, you know, what is it, 1992, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. No.

jess 25:12

No, no, 1492. Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Yes, I'm 100%.

greg 25:18

I don't think it was 1992.

jess 25:20

First grade teacher knowledge here.

greg 25:21

I think Prince saying about something in 1992.

jess 25:23

I love getting 1999. We're gonna party like it's 1999.

Michael 25:27

That's right. Columbus. No, my mom used to get so annoyed at that. I'm always saying 1992. Well, um, but anyhow, this is a good thing.

jess 25:34

Thank you for putting me in the category with your books.

Michael 25:36

This uh this oh my gosh. No, it's more just the fact that I enjoy teasing.

jess 25:41

Um gets a good reaction.

Michael 25:44

But anyhow, this concept comes from like old school ship travel um over the oceans. We didn't have GPS, we didn't have, I mean, you had a compass, right? But the reality is if you're traveling stars, yeah, exactly. But uh before we had GPS, before all of these things, you couldn't just simply rely on a compass, you know, because the reality is if you followed a compass going west, and that's where you're traveling, there's so many other elements that can drift you off course. You've got currents, you've got wind, you've got gravitational pull changing your current. You could be going straight west and never deviate from west. But the reality is, over a thousand mile journey, just a single degree off course could set you over 17 to 20 miles away from your destination when you get there, which is a significant difference. Yeah. Right. So when you look at this traveling, how did they do it? How could they travel to a specific port? How can they travel to a specific time or place over thousands of miles on a ship with nothing but a compass? Well, they they use something called celestial navigation, which is dependent on the sun, dependent on the north star look locating, they would travel for X amount of time and then they would navigate and say, Okay, well, where am I compared to the North Star?

jess 27:09

Where am I anybody else singing Pirates of the Caribbean right now?

Michael 27:12

Yeah, you can play some Pirates of the Caribbean, you know, Jack Sparrow with his compass. Be great. Yes. But they would travel for a time and then locate where they are and find out how far off course they got, then correct. Then they would travel for a time and then look for where they are, find out how far off course they went, then correct. So this concept was called, you know, there's many different ways you can, but it's taking a site, and what we're calling a check-in is this same thing. And it's a critical song concept. Um, because if you just pointed straight west and sailed, you could still be way off at the end of your target. This one degree difference could make a 17 to 20 mile or even more difference over the end result of where you're going, what's your destination. So in your marriage, you could be going straight west or straight north, whatever that direction is. But if you don't have check-ins, if you don't have these constant calibrations of understanding where we are compared to what is true north, our end result destination could be drastically different. Yeah.

greg 28:13

Drastically, well, things change in the journey. Like when you're in the middle of the journey, something's gonna change, something's gonna happen. Like when you're in that journey with your spouse, things are gonna change with you guys, and things are gonna be different. And so constantly trying to figure out and check in. Yeah, well, it's just life. Yeah, it's just life, it's just how it works. And so uh it's one of those crazy things to think about, and you look at it and go, why don't we do this in marriage? It's really interesting to me why we as a society haven't made this a part of marriage to be like, hey, have you checked in? Have you guys really looked at and seen like where are you at? Yeah, what are we doing? Where do we need to go? What needs to happen? So um, it's just one of those crazy things that we just don't talk about in marriage, which doesn't make sense.

jess 29:04

Well,

Did We Quietly Drift Apart

jess 29:05

I think it's scary.

greg 29:07

Well, why don't we?

jess 29:08

It's scary because you think like if we're on this same ship that you just described in my mind, I was like I said, Is anybody else thinking the Pirates of the Caribbean? If we're on this boat together and there's this one guy that's in charge of navigation that tells the captain where to steer, and you're just trusting him and or her, and it's just like here's where we're going. So if you if you take that whole like mysterious voyage and then you apply it to marriage, it's like, well, we think we know what we're doing, and we think we're going in the right direction, and we think we're going in the same direction, but are you really?

Michael 29:50

Well, how many times do you hear marriages talk about oh we just grew apart?

jess 29:54

Right?

Michael 29:55

Yeah. Oh, we're just different people now.

jess 29:59

It's like, did you check your compass though along the way?

unknown 30:02

Yeah.

jess 30:02

Like, did you?

greg 30:03

Yeah.

jess 30:04

Did you do some check-ins?

greg 30:05

Because here's the thing like, you don't have to do this marriage recalibration assessment thing at the beginning of the year. You can do it anytime you want. You can do it right now. Like literally right now. Like you're on vacation, you're going, uh, you're riding in the car. Kids are probably watching something on the iPads or on the entertainment center in the car. Uh, if you're listening to this, you can choose right now to say this vacation, we're gonna recalibrate, we're gonna assess, and we're gonna do things different.

jess 30:34

If you choose to, you can go back to listen to the episode that we're we referred to in the beginning, but you don't have to.

greg 30:40

No, you can listen to episode 43 if you want.

jess 30:42

Right.

greg 30:43

Uh, but you don't have to. You can you can go download the worksheet and and go, hey, let's walk, let's walk through this. Yep. Let's walk through this together honestly, and with our with our kind of our like set your ground rules, set those things in motion to say, hey, we're gonna this is not about blaming each other. This is not about shaming each other, this is just about loving each other, figuring out if we're on the same page, heading in the same direction.

Michael 31:07

Well, and you have a set of ground rules.

jess 31:10

We do.

Michael 31:10

And I love those sets of ground rules. Y'all want to walk through that? Sure.

Ground Rules For Hard Talks

Michael 31:14

Go ahead.

unknown 31:16

Go ahead.

Michael 31:17

Wait, who me or you? Yeah, I don't know. They're your ground rules. I don't know. Yeah, go ahead. You talked about them earlier.

jess 31:23

Okay, well, some ground rules that are important to Greg and I that we've tried to convey to baggage claim community is to first of all celebrate your wins together.

Michael 31:32

Yep.

jess 31:33

Because you you should be in this together. And so I'm a silver lining girl and look for the good.

greg 31:40

And said make it fun. Like it's it's gotta be it should be fun. Yeah, it should be fun. It's there's gonna be moments of tension, but make it fun. If it gets too like intense, you can I mean it depends.

Michael 31:55

Like you may have been going through a great season and you don't have that many things to reflect on that weren't wins. Yeah, but it may have been a hard season. Yeah, could be.

jess 32:05

But I think if you if you refer to it in marriage or any relationship or even business or professional career, it's always good to start with the good. Always, always. Um, and then when you do start reflecting on the losses or the negative cut on that word. I'm sorry, I won't. Or the negative or the bad. What didn't go right? Like, that's okay too. Like, everything is not gonna go right all the time. It can't.

greg 32:33

If it if you think everything has gone right, you're lying to yourself or you're gonna be like, You're lying to each other. Yeah, I'm just gonna say it. Yeah, that's just not life.

jess 32:41

No. So when you start reflecting on the things that that didn't go so great, you need to be able to just talk about it without shame. Like, I'm not gonna say to you, and you're not gonna say to me, like, well, you did this and that caused us to this, that, and the other. Like, we may have to point out things, right? Or choices that each other have made. And that's where also the the filter of like, no, we're doing this for growth, we're doing this to to move forward.

unknown 33:11

Right.

jess 33:12

And that's hard to do.

greg 33:13

Yes. Also, too, this is not about grading where you get a you get an A or you get an F. It's not about that. It's about noticing what we can do better and how do we make this better.

jess 33:23

Right.

greg 33:24

So as we move forward, that's just kind of the simple thing. Yeah. So those are our ground rules. Pretty simple, but it's just it helps protect everyone in the process, if that makes sense. Yeah.

Michael 33:34

As you walk out. I would say one on my side, one very important thing. And this is not to say that we should be robots in what we do, but leave your emotions outside.

jess 33:46

That's the hardest part, though.

Michael 33:48

That is the hardest part because when you say something, hey, there was something that you did that hurt me or affected me. That's personal. Especially when you're doing it to the person that you should be most intimate with.

jess 34:04

And I will I will just say, like, rather than hearing that, I'm going to want to be like, but you also Yeah, you did earlier because something was something was said earlier about you you react to emotions very like you you snap at emotions, like you don't handle those very well.

greg 34:26

And I was like, Yeah, you do. You just kind of jump to the conclusion, goes, Yeah, but you do too.

Michael 34:31

But that's our natural, that's our natural reaction immediately.

jess 34:35

I don't enjoy it, but I this is here's a dis a baggage claim disclaimer. Like we take our own advice, we're not telling you guys these things. Yeah. We're not saying like, oh, we do all these things perfectly because we're the perfect people and blah blah blah. No, no, we're not. And I literally did do that. I'm sorry, hun.

greg 34:58

No, you don't have to apologize. I think that's just that's just normal.

Michael 35:01

Well, that is our normal reaction. Yeah. And when we allow our emotions to cloud our judgments, when we allow our emotions to take over in these kinds of moments, specifically when we're trying to assess and evaluate and move forward and grow, yeah, our emotions stunt that growth.

jess 35:19

And I think that's the thing it that that's with every relationship.

greg 35:24

Yes. But I think that's the point where instead of uh we avoid that, and when we avoid that, we stunt the growth of our entire marriage because we don't want to address that hard issue. Absolutely. So we just do clear of it. Yes. So we're gonna say, no, we're gonna address that. We're gonna talk about it, and we're gonna move forward. We're gonna address the elephant in the room and we're gonna move forward and we're gonna have a good time. So all right. How do we move forward? What do we do? Well, the check-in itself. Yes. So go go download the check-in. Yeah. Go to our socials, download it. You can have it on your phone, your tablet, whatever you want. If you want to email it to yourself, I don't care.

Michael 36:03

Right.

greg 36:03

But that's something you can walk through together in that process.

Time Attention Emotional Connection

jess 36:09

The check-in itself might be in like four different categories. But um tonight we're gonna talk about the three, there's three really big categories that are really important. Um the first one is time and attention.

Michael 36:22

Yep.

jess 36:24

And the second, we'll we'll go back. And the second, well, time and attention, I just put the third is emotional connection. And so I've there's a most, I feel like most arguments or disagreements or or not seeing each other's points of view are from those three things time, attention, and emotional connection. And so you throw in scheduling and events and family obligations and all the other things that that are outside interferences, they they can just crash these three these three areas.

greg 36:56

So we we always say it's not about grading, it's not about those, but this is something to give yourself a rating from one to ten. One being, okay, we that was horrible. To ten was like, we knocked it out of the park. That was amazing. So where do you where do you fall on that scale of one to ten? And why do you think you fall there? Because this is where the interesting part comes. You as a woman will see something different as me as a man. You may say we were at a three, and I'm like, bro, we had coffee together, we're at a nine. And you would realize we had coffee once in six months. Yes, we're good to go. Yes.

jess 37:32

I I've this is a lame lame example, but you would be like, I fixed your coffee before you went to work every morning. Maybe I didn't appreciate that enough or whatever.

greg 37:42

Right. So give an example, like give your reasoning for why you put the number that you put on there, and then talk about it. Like allow yourself to be able to chat about that number and have some open communication about it.

jess 37:55

Now I know the the overview of this is to grow as a couple, but there are pieces of these things that are all about personal growth too, though. Yes. You have got to be honest with yourself of what your part is in these areas that contribute to your marriage. Because yes, it's you and him or you and her together, but what are you actually doing that brings you to these grades that you're giving?

Michael 38:22

Right. Can I say this? Because someone told me this once. Your personal growth will directly correlate with how honest you are with yourself. Yeah, I agree with that. Because if you can't take a realistic self-analysis, then you won't grow.

jess 38:41

Yeah.

Michael 38:43

And one thing that I love about these three things, now I've I've gone over the the check-in list, the full document y'all have there, and it's great. And it goes into a lot of detail, a lot goes into a lot of deeper things. So, like if you've got time and you're really serious about investing in your marriage, investing in your relationship, go in and do that. Yeah. But also the reality is these three things right here. If you're both satisfied with the time you're spending with each other, if you're both satisfied with the attention you're giving and the emotions or receiving, and you're both satisfied with the emotional connection you have, the reality is you're probably talking about all those other details. Right.

jess 39:24

Yeah, I would hope so.

Michael 39:25

Yeah, I mean, realistically, you're you're probably gonna cover 75-80% of all the details y'all have talked about. Right. Yeah. Now, if you're having a hard time walking through those three points, go dive into that. Get more in-depth.

jess 39:39

Just pick one.

Michael 39:40

Go dive into that. But these three points are such a great starting point. Yeah, I would agree. Hands down.

jess 39:48

And I I'll just be honest, like, these three things are a lot of the things that we've talked about a lot during our own marriage. Yes, 100%. Before even baggage slang was a thing.

Michael 39:59

Yeah.

jess 39:59

Like there's been so many moving parts, and we have so many kids, and it's just there's just a lot and a lot of baggage that we brought in. It's like, are we are we spending time with me and you to make sure that's developed? Are we are we paying enough attention to the thing?

greg 40:16

I sort of say there's five million questions you can ask around these three things.

jess 40:20

You can, yeah.

greg 40:20

So dig into these, ask these.

Team Wins And Team Breakdowns

greg 40:23

A couple of more really important questions, I think, to ask also, too, as you move past just the time, attention, and emotional connection is like what moments did it feel like we were good as a team? Like, what are the moments where we feel like as a team we killed it? Like we did good. That's yeah, that's one of the questions. Another one is what moments did we feel like that we weren't a good team? Like, what were those two things like? So compare and contrast, and this is what be careful we're not throwing stones here. But like, hey, when do we when do we do really good as a team? And then break that down and go, okay, so what do we do that made us good as a team?

jess 41:03

But you've got to be honest with yourself.

greg 41:05

100%. And then when you say when we team said we weren't good as a team, like at together, what fell through the cracks? Like, what did we miss on that? So it's like just as crazy as it sounds, those simple little things of just asking some clarifying questions to just help. Let's let's dig into this a little. Help me understand what do we do good, what do we not do good?

jess 41:27

Yeah.

greg 41:27

And let's move, like, let's figure out how we move past that. But gosh, as we've been talking about this for these past 30 whatever minutes, it's there's so much of this personal growth and personal like Well, that's because the whole framework we have, we say if you want a healthy marriage, be the healthiest person you can.

Michael 41:47

Yeah.

greg 41:47

So in our nine-step process for like our framework, our blueprint for having a successful, thriving marriage, the first three steps depend on you. It's all about you. It's all about you. Nothing about anybody else. And so that's a huge, huge part of that uh in that.

jess 42:04

So also no matter what your background is, if you're coming in from a you know, a blended family, or it's just you and somebody else you fell in love with and you're having a you're gonna m get married, have a family. Like, it doesn't matter where you where you're stemming from in this relationship process because all of this works for everybody.

greg 42:25

Yep. So let's unpack because we're we're way into this episode. Yeah, we are. Let's jump into this uh because we were like, this is gonna be a short one, but it's not.

SPEAKER_06 42:33

It's not.

greg 42:34

We thought it was gonna be a short one. Yeah, so let's jump to unpack and let's get into this.

jess 42:39

You gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself.

greg 42:41

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. That's on uh that's airbrust on the t-shirt in Myrtle Beach, I guarantee.

jess 42:47

100%. So check yourself before you wreck yourself. Yes. So also it's a song from the 90s. You're welcome.

greg 42:55

So knowing what we know, hearing what we've heard, um, just going through, walking through the idea of hey,

Be Intentional And Fight For It

greg 43:03

don't wait. You don't have to wait to a certain point to do a check-in.

jess 43:06

Please don't wait till everything's fallen apart.

greg 43:08

Yeah, like you can do this now. You can anytime you want, anytime you choose. We're providing you the resources, we're providing you the material, we're providing you everything you need to have a thriving marriage, to work toward that.

Michael 43:22

Yeah.

greg 43:22

If you need more help, you want to talk to us, DM us on our socials, reach out. You can email us at info at unpack together.com. There's lots of ways you can get in touch with us.

jess 43:33

We've had a few people reach out, and we actually had an in-person meeting with some listeners. Yes, it was. Thank you, Tanya and Jason.

greg 43:38

So yeah, if you if you need more, do that. But an unpack. What is one thing? Give me one thing, uh, team. We can walk away with the unpack. I need Jess, Michael, somebody, Miranda. Give me an unpack.

jess 43:52

Okay. Well, here's my first thought. You're not expected to have a perfect marriage. No matter what time frame you're in or where you came from, you don't need a perfect year to have a perfect marriage. You just don't. But what you do need to have, this is just my thoughts, is an honest perspective on your own self.

greg 44:15

Okay.

jess 44:16

For your own growth to contribute to your marriage.

greg 44:19

Okay.

Michael 44:20

I like it. Michael, you got anything? To segue from what you said into what I was gonna say. If you're not growing, you're stagnant. There's only two ways you can move in health in a relationship. It's either up or down. The reality is, do you want to move up or do you want to move down? Our natural inclination is gravity. Yep. Everything, everything in nature is bound by laws. Gravity holds of takes hold of everything. Your relationship to. Okay. So outside of that, going into this is if you're not steering the car, where's it going? Right. Somebody's steering it. Either somebody is steering it, or you're just haphazardly and hopefully still on the road.

greg 45:17

I say I just say it's when I say someone's steering it, it's either social media, it's either your schedule, society. Society. There's like so many outside factors that are deciding what you do and who you become as a coach.

Michael 45:30

And and I don't know why, but this concept has been on my mind for specifically this week so much. I've had so many conversations around this. I don't know why, but I feel like the need to say it. We as a society, going to this concept, if someone is driving the car, either you are, society is social media, whatever it is you it is that's influencing you as driving it. We have lost in this world the respect and reverence of marriage. Interesting. We have. Yeah. I mean, there's a reason why divorce rates are minimum at 50 plus percent. We have lost the concept of when you say I do, when you say till death to us part, when you say for sickness or in health, for better or worse, no matter what I do. Those are just words we say these days. I don't think we mean them. I mean, statistics show that we don't mean them.

unknown 46:27

Right.

Michael 46:27

All right. If you mean them, then you've got to be intentional to enforce them. You gotta be intentional to make sure you follow through. These, and I'm not saying these are the only steps you can ever take that make you follow through. There's many, there's numerous. This is just what we've collaborated on, how we've talked through, what we've seen have worked. Try. Fight for your marriage. If you want a marriage to last to the end of your life, be proactive.

jess 47:01

Well, I mean, the key word is just try.

greg 47:04

The reality is if you're not gonna fight and work in this marriage, and you're like, no, I'm not in love, I'm gonna get another, let me lay you in on a little secret.

Michael 47:12

You're gonna have to work at that other marriage too. Well, and guess what? Divorce rates for a second marriage are in the 70s percentage, which is ridiculous.

greg 47:20

You walk in with a lot more baggage.

jess 47:22

So just now you have not claimed. Yes.

greg 47:25

So my my unpack is be intentional.

Michael 47:29

Yeah.

greg 47:30

Like I can't tell you how many mapping compass classes I've taught on uh land navigation with compasses and maps and uh topo maps. And it was always you're always, always, always the guy who's leading has the map and the compass, and he's up front. And it's not once, it's not twice, it's fifty times a day. They're checking their compass, they're checking their map, checking their bearings, checking the compass, checking the map, checking the bearings, yeah, all day long to make sure you get where you want to go. If you're not intentional with your marriage, you're not gonna get where you want to be. So be intentional. Yeah, um, before you can't.

Michael 48:11

And they can look like many different things. Like we had talked about this before. It can be very formal, business-like, if if that's what's gonna work for you. It can be fun, it can be go happy however it works. I mean, we even talked about heck, if you've got to make a game out of working through the negatives you've got to talk through. Okay, well, every negative you got, take a piece of clothing off. Like, you know, they always say, Are you naked, right? Yeah. Like if whatever it takes for you to be able to work through these steps, make it happen. Fight for your marriage. Yep.

greg 48:43

It's it's so, so true. You just you gotta be intentional, you gotta work it. But it's gonna take work. You're not gonna get there by the roll of the dice.

jess 48:50

It's simple, but it's so, so, so hard to do.

greg 48:53

Yeah, the implication.

jess 48:55

But is it worth it?

greg 48:56

The implementation is is the hard part, but yes, a thousand percent over. Yeah. So do the work, put in the time. Um, what is it we always say? You don't need you don't need a uh a perfect year to have a perfect marriage.

Free Resources And Closing

greg 49:10

You just need two people that are willing to keep unpacking.

Michael 49:13

Yep.

greg 49:13

Because there's always going to be baggage to unpack. So thank you guys for joining us. Thank you for hanging out. Thank you for being a part of what we're doing here on baggage claim.

Michael 49:25

Yeah.

greg 49:25

Yeah. Help us create, like, help us create the community. Like, go like socials, share the socials. You can find this stuff on our link trees in there. Go download that. That's free. We did that to help you to give you some tools to help build a thriving marriage. That's that's all it's for. So go to unpack together.com. There's a marriage audit, kind of an audit of of your marriage on there. You can take it, it's free. It's a really cool assessment. Um, let us know what you think. So, anything else to add?

jess 49:56

I don't think so.

greg 49:57

Go doubles. Have a good one.