Baggage Claim
Baggage Claim is a space for blended families, marriage, and friendship.
Here, we dive into real-life conversations about the ups and downs of relationships, from navigating second marriages to unpacking the baggage we all bring. Hosted by Greg and Jessica, who both have rich experiences with love, loss, and family, this community is about sharing stories, learning together, and growing stronger as couples and individuals. Grab a drink and join us as we unpack, laugh, and claim our baggage—one conversation at a time
Baggage Claim
Joy Beyond Circumstances
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Joy can feel like a missing person when bills pile up, the house is chaotic, and your brain won’t stop scanning for what could go wrong. We sit down as a real married couple with real pressures and ask a simple question that turns into a deep one: how do you find joy when it isn’t tied to your circumstances?
We unpack the difference between happiness and joy in everyday language. Happiness is often outside of you and temporary, like comfort, a fun night, or a purchase that gives you a quick lift. Joy is deeper and steadier, tied to what’s in your heart, your faith, and the relationships that bring you back to what matters. Along the way we talk about anxiety, worry, and why our brains naturally notice negative things more than positive ones, plus how that mindset can quietly poison a marriage if we don’t address it.
Then we get practical about building a “culture of joy” at home. We talk marriage communication, why small annoyances become resentment when you avoid hard conversations, and how simple check-ins create a safe lane to talk about money, time, and intimacy. We also call out social media comparison and the trap of chasing someone else’s circumstances instead of nurturing your own values.
If you’re in a tough season, this is your reminder that joy and hardship can coexist and you can train your focus back toward gratitude. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more couples can find the conversation.
Welcome To Baggage Claim
gregHey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.
SPEAKER_02And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Clay. Thank you for joining us.
gregWhat's up, everybody? How are you doing today? This is Greg, and I'm here with Jess. This is our podcast. We are a real couple talking about real stuff with real issues. I mean, we've walked through it. We got four kids. Baggage Claim is a place where we have some real conversations around our table or a table. Um, and we hope to create some community in the process of talking about all of our real stuff and sharing it with you. We became uh married a few years back. Became. We became married. All right, we got married.
SPEAKER_03We've been married for almost 14 years.
gregAlmost 14 years, yes. When we got married, there was nothing out there for couples in our situation, uh blending our families. So baggage claim literally came out of a necessity for us to figure out how to do the blended family life and do marriage the right way because it's just hard. And so that's where we're at. Welcome to Baggage Claim. If you've if you if you're a regular here and you've been listening for a while, you know the drill. Grab your favorite drink, take a deep breath, and pull up to the table with us. And let's get into some fun conversations today. Because what are we on, Jess?
SPEAKER_03We're talking about joy. And I have a question.
gregOkay. Sorry. I'm really excited. We haven't recorded in like three weeks. It's been a while. Yeah, it's been a while. It feels weird. Summers, we've been taking some time off in the summer.
SPEAKER_03So have you ever had a season where it's been hard to find joy?
gregUh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Or where it just kind of feels like joy or happiness is like nowhere to be found.
gregIt's it's I don't say it's crazy because we've all done it. Joy, a lot of us find that in circumstances of those different kinds of things of like things happen in life and we're like, oh, we're we're really excited or happy or joyful.
MichaelIt's easy to be happy.
gregYeah. And so what we want to talk about today, and what we want to do is like we want to see how do you find joy when it's not based on your circumstances, when it's not based on the things that you can't control. Um, so what do we do then? Where do we find ourselves? So that's what we're gonna unpack today. So if if you're a married couple, if you're thinking about getting married, if you're blended family, hang in there, uh, like, subscribe.
MichaelYeah, I ain't even married.
gregYeah, wherever you're at, listen, because we may grab something out of this. If you do and you find it helpful, man, like us, subscribe, even do something crazy like leave a comment. Um you know, just whatever it is. But before we get into all of those deep dive questions, we want to do what?
SPEAKER_05Question time.
gregQuestion
Question Time: Happiness And Joy
gregtime, baby.
SPEAKER_05That was new.
gregThat was new. That was new. Um, so we have a little thing called question time that we do each episode and basically just try to create some conversation. This helps Jess because she's she's always a nervous wreck. It's a warm-up, it's a warm-up exercise. So for Jess, we're only 72 episodes in and she's maybe about hey, I could use a warm up sometimes. Still good, good with it.
SPEAKER_03Nervy.
gregSo, question time is a way for just nervy, but not nervous.
SPEAKER_03Yes, nervous. Nervy. And sometimes they're silly questions, sometimes they're not.
gregSo what the heck is the difference between nervy and nervous?
SPEAKER_03It's more fun to say nervous.
gregOh, it's a first grade way to say nervous.
MichaelI feel that I may start using that then.
gregNervy.
MichaelI'm nervy.
gregShoot, when you get nervy, there's like a nerdy version of nervous. No. Oh. All right, Thomas, what you got?
SPEAKER_00Uh what makes you happy and where do you find joy? Ooh, who's going first?
SPEAKER_03I will. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00Go for it.
SPEAKER_03What makes me happy is like pretty sunsets, reading a good book, a fire in the fireplace. Those are all the things that make me happy.
MichaelOoh. Just a few of my favorite things.
gregThose are those are pretty good.
SPEAKER_03What brings me joy? Our grandbaby. It's just you can't help it.
MichaelShe is kind of contagious. She did the the she blew a kiss on FaceTime earlier. Oh my gosh. Yeah. We're FaceTiming her because she's not.
SPEAKER_03Being with our family, like, that's just it's in my heart always. And however many of the kids we get to be, it just grows joy.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
MichaelSo I would say happiness for me, and we Greg, you and Thomas, you both know a lot about this. Anytime we just go play golf together, yeah, like seriously, I don't care how I played, I don't care how good or crappy the course is. I don't care the customer service of the Rangers or anything. When we get to go play golf, it it just I'm happy. I enjoy it. It's great. You get to go out being nature, you get uh a lot of, especially where we are, you get to see the mountains, you get to see lakes and waters and all. You get to rag on each other, and sometimes you get to see the water a lot more often if you're rag. Um you see the woods more. Yeah. But uh, so happiness for me, I mean, that's an immediate. I mean, there are a few others, but and I was telling y'all earlier, two things tremendously that bring me joy, no matter where I'm at, no matter what I'm doing. One, my dog. I got a black lab, been with me, he's 10 years old.
SPEAKER_05Good old Max.
MichaelOh my gosh, August 9th. When is that? That's like next week or the week after.
SPEAKER_03The week after.
MichaelUm, he's turning 10 and he's getting gray, he's getting old, but uh incredible dog. And honestly, just I mean, going home, it's been a long day. He comes at you, his tails wagon, he's happy, and I'm like burned out and ready to go home and go to bed. And I'm like, all right, let's go run, let's go play a game, let's go do something, you know. And and that's an immediate joy bringer. But also my young, I've got a lot of nieces and nephews. And uh, I don't know if they listen to this much because all of my nieces and nephews bring me joy, but my young ones, oh my gosh. I've got like four that are like under the age of three right now. Oh my gosh. Just FaceTime them for 10 minutes, and my day has changed completely, completely.
SPEAKER_03Well, Lucy's considered your niece as well. That too, yeah, that would be fine.
MichaelBecause especially with the glass windows you'll have in your dining room. I drive up and I can see her arms up. She's like, She does get excited. She does.
SPEAKER_00How about you, Thomas? I don't know. Uh happiness is being outside, and then college football is coming here. September 5th, baby. Oh yeah. Yes. So excited. Um and then Joy is Lucy and Miranda. They're really the place that brings me back whenever life sucks. Yeah. So yeah.
gregMan, I have a my happiness. I have a few of them. I love being if I can do if I can be outside, I love being outside. I love Saturdays in the fall. Uh there's nothing better. It's like everything. Especially something smoking on the grill, too.
MichaelYeah, something smoking or chili in the crock pot. Sometimes I just want to turn my smoker on just for the smells.
gregYeah. Smell is going, game days on the TV. It's just like everything's everything's right. Um, I love a good fire in the fireplace. I do that. I actually like to read, I like a good book. Um, but my joy is man relationships, just a family, my friends, like hanging out with, like when many on Christmas or Thanksgiving, we get to hang out with the whole family, or just a random time we all get together.
SPEAKER_03No, my heart wants to express it.
gregYeah, it's just like that's that's joy for me. Like hearing Lucy squeal and get so excited over something simple, that just brings me joy. It just reminds me of the things that really matter in life. And I I lose track of that.
SPEAKER_03This will bring you joy, this little story. She'll be two in a few weeks. And today I put on a dinosaur shirt on her, this little pink dinosaurs. And I said, Lucy, you know, come put on your dinosaur shirt. She screamed and squealed the happy squeal. And as soon as I put it on, she started walking around roaring with little T-Rex arms. And I'm just like, oh my god, if I could just live in this moment forever, it was so sweet.
gregIt's just sad to me that life, worry, stress, anxiety steal all of that from us. It's just like, why can't we just act that why can't we just be fun? Just have fun.
MichaelThings have such power over our joy and happiness. Right. Because I don't want it to. Me either. I don't think any of us do. Yeah. But it does.
gregYeah, it's like when you go on vacation, you're sitting on the beach, and you're like, man, I just want this to be forever. Like, I just want this feeling. But it's almost like we we can, we just don't allow it.
SPEAKER_03Not our last vacation. We were in a tropical storm. Yeah, it's pretty bad. We were in a tropical storm.
gregYeah. It was, yeah, I don't want to go into detail, but it was rough. So but so that's what we want we want to unpack this idea in marriage because if you think marriage is like the honeymoon or like the wedding, I'm I'm sorry. Welcome to the real world. It's not there's gonna be highs, there's gonna be lows, there's gonna be things that pop up, the car breaks down, the air conditioner goes out. The brakes go out. Yeah, the brakes are out in the car. Oh, we lost a blinker. That's gonna be $500 to fix a blinker.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, because my blinker's fancy.
gregYeah, another story for another day. Not a normal, but it's like those things happen and we allow them to steal our joy, our happiness. And the difference between because uh we need to talk about what's the difference between happiness and
Happiness Vs Joy In Real Life
gregand joy. Do we do you like to address that? Do you know the difference?
MichaelYou read the definition earlier because we we were specific to look it up. Do we have that?
SPEAKER_03No, I wrote I took notes.
MichaelOh, how brilliant of you. The teacher among us took notes.
SPEAKER_03You know, I am going back to school next week.
MichaelI did not take notes.
SPEAKER_03So joy um mainly comes from within you, it's in your heart, it's not circumstantial, it's just something that's in you. Happiness comes from the outside, like what things can bring happiness to you.
gregIt's kind of a temporary state, temporary feeling. Yeah. Gotcha. Okay. So well said. Thank you. So, I mean, it's one of those things we do, we sometimes intertwine those in happiness and joy. But thinking about your marriage and thinking what that looks like, I mean, how many times do you sit around the table and be like, hey, let's have a talk about finances because that's gonna bring us joy. That's gonna make us really happy. So it's like, why don't we have a hard conversation? Because that's gonna be very joyful. Um, so we I mean, but it's a real part of life.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
gregBut we like to think about sometimes, and that's why I said I started our podcast saying we're a real couple, we have real hard conversations, real life experiences. Yeah, we we're walking through some things that sometimes are just are just real.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
gregAnd so we want to embrace those, talk about those, and just be like, hey, marriages have ups and downs, and sometimes the downs suck, and sometimes they don't suck as bad.
SPEAKER_03So And it's okay not to always feel happy because that's what things are bringing to you. But it's important to keep your eye on that joy and to know what brings you what what brings you joy in the first place.
gregSo uh thinking about that, like how do we how do you, or or mean, or maybe this is too early for us to ask that, because uh if joy is that deeper inner thought, kind of like a a moral compass, as you would say. I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. Our faith, our faith, too. Yeah, your faith. You find joy in your in your faith and um and knowing that you know what the truth is, you know where that leads. Um how do you build a system around that? Or can you is it even possible to build a system to find joy through no matter what?
SPEAKER_03I think it is. It's possible to build a system.
MichaelI would say yes, and and it's crazy because we don't really talk about these concepts and talk about these things much, but um, this is something I've actually been struggling with over the past like six months, a good bit, is just trying to not let the circumstances around me dictate how I feel because it's so easy to let it. And I'm not gonna lie, when y'all first started talking about this, it was like, oh my gosh, I need this conversation tonight. Like, I need this because I need to just refocus because I've had this conversation multiple times. This is something my parents talked about in my life growing up, being raised, you know, that I learned a lot. But it's great to be able to refocus. And yes, I do believe that you can develop a culture, you can develop uh a system not only in your heart, but in your life, your daily schedule things you can do to help bring about a consistent emotional state in your life. Very much so.
gregIs would you say it's in a like is it a choice? Happiness, joy, is it a choice? Well, I think happiness is a circumstantial like I mean, you give me ice cream and be happy. We had ice cream night last night.
SPEAKER_03All of us had our own personal pint. It was awesome.
gregYeah, it ran into a one of those. Thomas is like, I'm going to Walmart. And I was like, Are you for real going? Because if you are, I'm going with you. But if not, you know, wound up we bought four packs of the house.
SPEAKER_03There was a lot of ice cream in the house last night.
gregIt was awesome. But then when the ice cream went away, we're like, Okay. All right, here we are now. Let's all go to bed.
MichaelThe reality is it's easy to be happy when life's going great. But let's just be real. Life is not always gonna be great.
SPEAKER_06No.
MichaelSo should we just be sad whenever life isn't great?
SPEAKER_03I think you need to choose to actively seek joy. Like remind yourself of what brings you that joy. Even if you don't feel happy. I mean, I could have a horrible day, and then Lucy walks in the door with squealing and laughing, and I'm like, well, there's my joy.
gregYeah.
SPEAKER_03I mean, you can't help it.
gregWell, the thing is sometimes we need those reminders. You know, it's like we we have reminders of what life is really about. I think we have like for me, I think the way to help me, I guess, I don't want to say concrete or connect myself back to joy is remembering what it's all for. Like you get I get caught up, like I was caught up today in thinking about okay, how close is it? Is it close to the end of the month? When is the 15th roll around? What bills are due here? What's due there? What I have to pay here, what do I have to pay there? And I'm like, dude, I'm trying to work through next month just based off of financial reasons. I was like, that that's not joy. Like, that's not, and I'm just feel like I'm wishing the next, not wishing, but I'm just goring the net the next month out.
SPEAKER_03Already worrying about it for it's here.
gregYeah, and I'm like, that that that's not this is not healthy. It's not a good thing. Um, the Bible tells us about uh joy that the fruit of the spirit, one of the fruits of the spirit of having him and is joy. So it's like, okay, what does that mean? Like, what does that look like?
SPEAKER_03How does that also happiness is too?
gregIt truly is. It's like, it's like, what are the what do those look like in our lives lived out every day? Like, what is it that helps us stay grounded? What is it that helps us remind us? Is this a squill from Lucy? Is it the text from from you or from somebody else to let you know how grateful they are that's like, hey, thinking about you, love you, appreciate you. Um, is it those things that remind you what's really important versus a car payment or the next outfit or something else that you really want that you think's gonna make you happy? Yeah. But that's just it. It's it's really not.
MichaelWell, and it's crazy. I mean, when you look back and like if I were to ask you this question in a moment of a hard time, a sad time, what do you turn to? Because I think we all turn to something. We all do to find some bit of momentary satisfaction, happiness of whatever kind. You know, for some people it could be binge watching a show. For some people, it's getting on Amazon, buying a bunch of stuff. Cough my lungs out here. Um, you know, for some people, it could be going out and going to a fancy restaurant, it could be going doing something different. Um, but I think it does matter like what is the thing within us, within my mind, within my heart, that brings a source of joy. Regardless of the circumstances, because the reality is you could want to do all these things, but if you don't have money to pay that Netflix bill, you ain't watching, you ain't been watching a show. If you don't have that money to get on Amazon and buy the next pair of sneakers or the next cute outfit, like Greg was saying, like you're you can't buy it. Then what do you then it just only spirals worse?
Why Anxiety Fixates On Negatives
SPEAKER_03I I struggle with anxiety. And to be honest, a lot of the time I go through really long phases where my filter of looking at things is very negative. And that's I don't that's not healthy.
gregJust unpack that for us.
SPEAKER_03So being real, like give me some real maybe some real life examples that Well I like to tease that I got it from my nanny, my grandmother, who is the queen of warriors. I worry about things that are not even mine to worry about. I worry about Thomas and Miranda and how how they're doing. And I worry about um a bill that hasn't even came yet. Or what am I gonna do? Like when school's starting, what am I gonna do if this little one has a hard day and I I can't handle the bad behaviors? It hasn't even happened yet, but I'm already worrying about it before it gets here. And it's just a negative way to look at stuff, and I don't like it that I do that. But and thankfully you're you're most of the time you're very kind of how you remind me I'm doing that. And I appreciate that. I really do. You're looking at everything really negative.
MichaelThe reality is that's natural, that it's nature, that's natural. What am I trying to say here? It's nature, it is our nature. We do that. So I was looking up some stuff. Um psychology shows, and I'm reading from a study here that uh that I'm I've been learning from, but our brains are hardwired to scan for threats, to scan for things that are unreal, wrong, feeling out of place to us, to scan for problems, to scan for things that'll cause us pain, to scan for things that'll cause us frustration in our life. Because that's our nature. We want to avoid those things. So we're constantly looking for those things. Therefore, from that, this study shows that you observe and intentionally look out negative things in your life five times more than you do positive things in your life.
SPEAKER_03I think mine's probably more than that.
gregYeah, which is, I mean, that's that's very true. Like if I went around even right now and said, okay, tell me three positive things about yourself and tell me three negative things about yourself. We could all name off three negatives. Easy. You would we would probably all struggle with three positives. Because I've done this with people like with me, too. It's a hard thing for people to go, tell me something good about yourself. Like, tell me three things you like about yourself. Tell me something good. Yeah, it's it's hard for us to do that. It's so sad that our brains wired that way. But I also think that society, social media, everything else just helps that.
MichaelWell, we're in a constant compare with one another because of that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But that steals your joy real fast.
MichaelYes, very fast. But when we do that, I don't I don't necessarily think it's wrong that we see the negative things in life. I think it's wrong when we don't intentionally look at the good things in life. Because when we look at the negative things, it helps guide us. It does, like realistically. Like I'm thinking when when I go out in public, like say I'm saying, as this happened over the summer, I was taking uh a bunch of my nieces and nephews to Walmart, and it was just me and like three kids, and these kids are all under the age of like 10 and 5. You better believe I'm looking at everything as a threat. Yeah, I'm in protect mode. I'm in, okay, what's going on? Also, I'm looking at the candy aisle because we have to stop at the candy aisle, get the kids some candy. Right. Naturally, I'm the best uncle ever, so we gotta do that. But I'm also watching who's walking around my nieces, who's walking around my nephews. I mean, it's not wrong that we do these things. I don't think it's bad that we have this negative bias in our mind. I think where it gets unhealthy and specifically dangerous is that's all we live by. And we don't intentionally choose. And I think you asked this question earlier is joy a choice? Is happiness a choice? I would say yes, absolutely. Because if our mind is naturally biased to look at the negative, it means we must train our mind and be intentional to also look at the positive. But how many times do
Resentment Grows When We Avoid Talks
Michaelwe do that?
gregThis is why so many marriages fall apart at some point, is because something happens in the relationship that you get frustrated with your spouse. They say or do something that's frustrating or upset you. You don't address the issue, you just get you just get mad. And so, like most couples, you sweep it under the rug, like it never happened. You go on with your lives. Something else happens.
SPEAKER_03Then all of a sudden it gets so easy to look at the negative things.
gregThen all of you see is like they pile up. They don't like I I asked him to put his clothes in dirty hamper and he didn't.
MichaelHe obviously doesn't love me.
gregYeah. Why does he disrespect me? He doesn't think I do anything, he doesn't care about all the things I do around the house because I work all day. He doesn't do, you know, like trying to keep the house clean. He comes in, throws the stuff down. All that stems from a small conversation and be like, hey, what happened? Like, why'd you not put your stuff up? Oh, I'm I forgot. I'm sorry. Like I literally just forgot. I apologize. Thank you for reminding me. Yeah. Like, what if it's that the solution is that? But you program ourselves to once we go down that road of negative, it's hard for us to get off of that and get into a positive place, especially when it comes to our spouse and how we think. And finding joy with each other is one of the key things to having a good, healthy relationship. Like you gotta be able to laugh together, have fun together, play together. And that shouldn't have anything to do with your bank account, where you live, what you drive, what you wear, none of that should have any bearing on your joy or your happiness with each other. But it does so many times. Really, really sad. So I see it every I see it all the time. And it's just it breaks my heart. So but you're right. We see negative. And then once we see it, that's all you can see. It's hard to unsee it.
SPEAKER_03I mean, I just said that about my own stuff. I don't see I mean I choose to look at the joy in you and like those little silly things that you were talking about. You can just choose to not care about it. I don't care. I don't care if you come in and put stuff on the counter or whatever, but I have a harder time doing that with my own mind. I can choose to look at positive things for others and in others, and I have a harder time finding it in my own self.
gregYeah, which is really sad though, too.
SPEAKER_03I know.
gregBut like for me, I do I do it all. I'm sorry. I do it all I had an example that made me think about you talking about Walmart. We were in Pensacola and we're going in and there was this guy sitting on the sidewalk, and immediately I was just like, dude, come on, man. He was sitting there begging. I don't when I walk past him, it's almost like I heard an audible voice, yo, just speak to me. And I was just like, why would you like I don't know what it was weird? I felt compelled. I was like, let me give this guy money. So I started digging around in my in my wallet, and just like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm getting some money. And so I literally, because I was thinking in my head, I'm like, I can choose to think really bad thoughts about this guy, and or I have the means in my pocket right now to maybe help him. Make a difference, too. It could change him. It could not, it could propel the bad decisions he's still on. I don't know, it's not my choice, but my choice is whether to be a part of that or not. And so I'm like, yes, I'm going to. So I I turn as we we go in, we get one thing and we walk back out, and I have the money in my hand and he's gone. And I was like, You missed that change. Bro, man, it just it's almost felt like, dang it. I should have turned around immediately and went and and done that thing. It's like that made me think about even with our thoughts of being negative versus positive. I should have not waited five minutes, ten minutes. I should have, as soon as I felt that, turned around and just walked back and made the change then. And so it was just but we don't do that in life so many times we don't. Oh no, somebody else would do it, it'd something else, blah, blah, blah. And we kick the can down the road. Yeah. So that is relationships. I don't I don't want to say I'm getting off on. Ooh, you said that.
MichaelThat just painted an image in my mind. How many times do we rather choose to kick of what to kick the can of sadness down the road than let it go and pick something else up?
gregIt's usually a hard conversation we kick down the road. That can is usually a hard conversation. And it's usually a simple like, hey, are we okay? Something seems off. Are you are we mad? Like, and can we did I do something wrong? Like, what? But we just say nope. We're just gonna smile until it blows up.
SPEAKER_03So were you gonna ask Thomas a
Check-Ins That Protect A Marriage
SPEAKER_03question?
MichaelI was gonna say, Thomas, we've been talking about this whole positive and negative mindset. How does that connect with you?
SPEAKER_00I mean, it's been really hard for me to figure out how to find a positive mindset just because of the job that I have, because a majority of the things that I see are negative all the time. Like everything you see is negative.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, Thomas is a is a firefighter in EMT. So he he he shows up at people's worst moments.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so everything I see is always negative. So trying to separate myself from that mentally is really all it's been is saying that this doesn't really bother me, or this is not my issue. My job is to help this situation get fixed and then go back to the things that do bring me joy, which is really what everybody should be doing when negative situations come around, is figuring out how to fix it into a joyful thing. Like what you were saying earlier, dad, about the having the conversations that are hard. Like multiple times a week, me and Miranda ask each other, like, are you happy? is always the first one. And then, do you have anything you want to talk about? And thank God the answer is always yes, that we're happy. But then sometimes there is something that we want to talk about, we just didn't know how to bring it up, and that's always the time that it comes up. And they are fun conversations sometimes, and then other times they're the sucky conversations that nobody wants to have.
gregBut you create it the the the cool thing created a culture in your marriage. Well, you know, in an avenue for her to be like, okay, this is an opportunity for me for us to be able to share something I need to talk about. Yeah, and that's huge. Yeah, a lot of times we don't even do that, and that is a I mean, that's a great first step.
SPEAKER_03But especially with at Yel's age, too. A lot of folks your age don't want to do that.
gregYou're in that point of your life where you you're gonna make the least amount of money you're ever gonna make in your life. Yeah, you have more financial responsibilities because you're having kids like you're like you're eating eggs.
MichaelUh you eat a lot of eggs, right? Do we eat a lot of eggs? A lot of eggs.
gregDo you not eat eggs? Two eggs a day. Two kids a day. Maybe that's dumb. But anyway, you you're you're at a very like money is uh money is a pipe dream almost for someone in your situation. So it's like you're you're at that really hard spot, and so many young couples allow that becomes such a tension between them that it creates separation and space that's really, really hard to recover if you don't address it now. Oh, yeah. And so that's one of those things, even for young couples. I'm like, hey, you need to talk about these things, you need to talk about sex, money, and you need to talk about how you spend your time. Yeah, like dig into those things and be very, very honest, very open about them with each other, figure it out.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's what me and Miranda tell a lot of people our age that are getting into relationships is like all the negative stuff is not fun. It never is, but getting the negative stuff out of the way helps you see the happy that it's at the end of the road. It's like I mean, I'm working a lot and Miranda's going back to school, so it really sucks because I'm gone all the time. But whenever she's done with school, I'm not gonna know what to do with myself anymore.
SPEAKER_03No, you're not.
SPEAKER_00I'm gonna only work one year.
SPEAKER_03You're gonna have one job.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'm gonna have one job, and I'm gonna get to spend all my time that I want at home. Like it's it's gonna be awesome. So it's just the negative time now is gonna build us to the joyous time that we're gonna have later.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but reminding yourself to keep your eyes on the joy now too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because you're not you it's you don't need to put off the joy.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I have so much joy in my life right now. I'm not saying that at all. Like I have so much happiness, but it's just the situations around that joy and happiness just suck.
gregYeah, yeah, yeah. And you just you gotta you just gotta embrace the suck. Yeah. And just be like, this is it.
SPEAKER_03Because things can suck, but you can also still have joy at the same time, don't you think?
MichaelOh, a hundred percent. But we don't we don't live life that way. No, we don't. I agree with you completely, but we don't.
When Joy And Suffering Coexist
MichaelIt sometimes almost feels and I say this because especially where I've been the past like six months or so, like why is it so easy to believe the lie that if something steals your joy, whether it be a burden, anxiety, stress, pain, hurt, whatever you want to call it, why is it that if you experience that, it means you feel like joy is non-existent, it can't coexist, is how we feel. Yeah, because I say I believe I believe that a lot recently in my life, and that's wrong.
gregYeah, they can coexist. I agree. Let's be practical. Somebody tell me an example. Give me an example.
SPEAKER_03Are we unpacking?
gregNo. Oh okay of this this I there's one thing when we said this, there's one image or one thing that popped in my mind. It doesn't have anything to do with marriage. Okay, but it was so real for me, and I still I still remember so bear with me, okay? I don't this is not so I and some buddies were climbing Mount Rainier. So we were at this camp too, and we had to leave out 11 o'clock at night to make it to the summit by eight o'clock that morning, uh the next morning. So we're hiking and it's dark, you're roped in, so you can't see anybody. The persons in front of you, they just disappeared in your lights. You're just following the footsteps in front of you. Um, I would think I was number two or number three in line. I can't remember exactly. Um, but I remember it was so cold. It felt so alone because I couldn't see anybody. Couldn't see anything. It's pitch black. The the I could see some stars, and some, you know, some stars out, and it was beautiful because we're pretty high up at that point. But I remember I was it was I was not happy. Like it was not, it was it was, but I'm doing this thing that I chose to do that I think brings me joy because the the adventure of trying something I've never tried and doing something hard brings me joy. But at the same time, I'm not really happy doing this.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
gregUm, but I remember sitting there and the sun coming up over the horizon, and it was the most amazing, beautiful, probably spiritual thing I've I've seen. I sat there and I was like, man, it was it was incredible.
SPEAKER_03You couldn't cry because your tears would have frozen.
gregYeah, they were frozen because I was trying to eat a Snickers bar that I'd shoved in my armpit, and it was still like a block of ice. Um so I'm trying to gnawn it and watch the sun come up because I was it was this the thing that brought me joy was not bringing me happiness at the moment, but there was happiness in that. Like I mean, I'm getting to do something. Like I have the ability, I have the strength and the finances to be able to come out here and climb this really high mountain with my friends. There's something that's really hard and it's challenging. Like so many times in in marriage, like we we lose sight of what like we just we get caught up in all the other stuff, I feel like around us and the comparison game of the Joneses and everything. And
Stop Comparing Your Life Online
gregsocial media drives me nuts on that. The fact of I like I would love to get off of social media, but having a podcast kind of requires you to be on social media um to push that. But I would love to because I mean I love my friends. I want to be around my friends, but also too, I'm like, that's I'm glad you got to go to Hawaii. I'm glad you got to go to somewhere else and have that fun and enjoy that. I really do. But also, too, I'm not at a place where maybe I'm at a place where I'm like, I'm I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna buy groceries next week.
SPEAKER_04Right.
gregAnd so my stress is a lot different than the stress of, oh my gosh, like, do I go to you know, California or do we, you know, do we go to wine country right now or do we go to Jamaica? It's like, really, bro? I'm putting gas in the car. Like, that's all I got. You know, it's like so many times we compare ourselves that way and we lose sight of our joy because we allow that to take the place of it. And so it's just sad.
SPEAKER_00That external joy that you're seeing from everybody else is not real joy. They're trying to make themselves look better for everybody else. Sometimes, yeah. They have their own negative struggles that they're having to deal with too.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_00Like they look happy on social media, but behind closed doors, they could hate each other. Yeah.
MichaelSo it's like well, and many times we covet other people's joy, right? Even if someone is here to say, but it's really good. It is easier to say, but like you can you can see someone else who, and maybe their life is perfect, maybe that's their season of life. And I can tell you this I've had seasons of my life where I felt like it was, yeah, and it was great. Yep. And I'm gonna be honest, even in my own life, sometimes I covet my own joy that I used to have. But the reality is that's not where I'm at now, right? So, where is my joy gonna come from now? Yeah, and even if you're looking at someone else's joy, you're looking at someone else's circumstances because the reality is, and we we chase this all the time. Someone else gets a new car and they're excited about it, and you're like, oh man, I wish I had that kind of excitement. Maybe I need a new car.
SPEAKER_03Right.
MichaelYeah. Well, the real, yeah, they can be excited and good for them, right? But also what works for them doesn't mean that's what's gonna work for you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
greg100%. All of us, all four of us in here are different. Like, I could care less about stuff. Like, I don't care about a car, I don't care about clothes. I I really don't. Those things don't interest me at all. I do care about taking trips and traveling and doing fun stuff. Um, that and doing stuff with my friends and family. That, and some people would be like, what? I'm like, dude, I if it's still driving my truck from 2014, it's paid for. Yeah, I'm gonna drive that thing.
SPEAKER_03With every emoji on the dash is lit up.
gregYeah, they're all lit up. Man, they're all emoji. That'd be called the uh the lights up there. There's so it's like it's not an emoji. Yes, it is. So it's uh, but the thing is, is like we're all different. Like it means it just it's different for all of us. So it's figuring out what that is for you and your family and your marriage. So so if you're so you feel like you're in this tunnel, you can't see the end of it. It's
Gratitude Habits That Rebuild Joy
gregjust your head down, you feel like I'm just working, I'm just trying to get through this, I'm struggling. It's hard for me to find joy. I can't, I it's just I I feel like I'm in this tunnel and I'm just going and going and going. Bank accounts draining, feels like it's always empty. And I can't get my head above water.
SPEAKER_03Or working so much you never see each other, or you name it.
gregSo unpack it. What do we do? What does this look like? How do we move forward from here? How do we how do we create a a culture of joy in our marriage and our relationships to make that tunnel not so dark?
SPEAKER_03I think being aware, first of all, that sometimes it's hard to find it. Like acknowledge that. Because if you pretend like you're happy all the time, that's not or Well, it doesn't work to fake it till you make it.
MichaelWhen it comes to it, necessarily. It does not. No. It's true. And there are some circumstances where that works, but that is not this circumstance.
SPEAKER_03No.
MichaelYou can't fake it till you make it.
gregMe, I one one thing of advice I would give, and I did this this morning. I think mindset is is is man, if you can if you can conquer mindset, you can you you've done a lot of the battle. Like this morning, Thomas and Marin were staying over last night, so they were sleeping in the living room, and I had to get up and leave this morning at five o'clock. And so I didn't want to sit. I usually get up and I make coffee and I'll sit around and watch YouTube in the living room. So they were in the living room, and so I went outside and sit in our garage because you have a little nice little place to sit out there, and I sat out there and it was quiet, and I was just thinking about what I'm I'm thankful that they're in there that you're in the house, and I get to sit in my garage, in my house, at my house, you know, getting ready to go to work. And I was like, it's just the mindset of being grateful. Like it sucks that I got up at 420 this morning to start getting ready to go to work, but I'm like, I get to go to work. I get somewhere to go, I have somewhere to go to, like, I have family here that that that loves me. I have it's it's the mindset. And then even when I got there today, I sent Jess a text just to remind her, just for her to be like, hey, I'm I'm very thankful that I get to call you my wife, and I love you. It's just because if I think if I start focusing on the good things, it's gonna help me see more of the good things versus seeing the bad things.
SPEAKER_03You have to be intentional to look for the good.
gregYeah.
SPEAKER_03You really do.
gregSo a grateful list. I got I got one from John today, and I I would read it to you, but I don't feel like that would be appropriate. Um, John sent me a list of one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight things that he's grateful about.
SPEAKER_03He's a friend that you've been talking to for a couple years. It's been working through some pretty big issues. He's on his sobriety, yeah.
gregAnd he's over um over almost two years sober. Yeah. And he sends him everything. Every single day. That's awesome. Uh big John countries, what it's called. And so he sends me these every day, and I I read them, and when I read them, it makes me go, God, such a negative Nancy. Bro, get out of your own crap, man. I'm just like, this dude's thankful for this, and I'm over here gripping about this.
MichaelIt's just but it's so easy to get caught in that. It really is. It is so easy, and I say that because like what you were saying, the the being aware, the being intentional, look at the positive things. I have to set myself reminders to do that. Yes, and that's I don't do it naturally. I don't. So, like, seriously, I and I have done this before, like, I'll do it tonight. We're talking about it. So I'll probably go set something on my alarm tonight and just be like, hey, I'm gonna pick a random date next week or next month, even get it out there and just say, hey, today, what are you grateful for? Today, what are the positive things you're seeing versus the negative things? Be intentional to look at the positive things. And if that's what it takes, do it. If that means you got to put it on your mirror in the bathroom so that you see it every morning, if that means you put it on a note and throw it in your backpack so you find it in the next couple weeks, do it. Or your briefcase, whatever it is you got. Like be intentional and realize this. No one can make this change for you. Right.
gregNo one's showing up to save you from this.
MichaelWell, and even if someone does, they can't change your mindset. Nope. No, no one can. Nope. So if you want to see more positive things, you want to find more joy, you want to find more happiness in your life that is not based on circumstantial things that happen around you by happenstance. We can't control our circumstances. If you want a joy that is beyond circumstances, you have to be intentional to cultivate that culture in your life so that you can have it. And it takes small steps. I think, Greg, you were saying that earlier today.
SPEAKER_03I was just about to say something you said earlier, Greg, when we were talking about this earlier today. You said you find what you focus on.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That's very simple, but also it's not. I mean, it's double, it's like a double-edged sword. Like you find what you focus on, but what are you focusing on?
gregYeah.
SPEAKER_03So it's that being intentional.
gregAnd I'm not saying do this. Because I get it. We're I I I live in a real world with you. I'm a real couple doing real stuff.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
gregEvery day's absurd. Try once a week. Try once a week. Try small steps. Yeah, try once a week and see what happens. And then once you get down once a week, then try twice a week. Uh and spread those days out. Like just start, just the thing is, just start. Like we talked about. I was like, if you fail yourself in the dark tunnel, what do you do? I think Michael goes, you get a pair of roller skates. You know, make it easier. Yeah, the reality is like you're not getting out of a tunnel unless you take steps to get out of the tunnel. If you just sit down, you're gonna stay there. So keep moving, keep going, be grateful. That's my that's my unpack. How about you? You got anything else to add?
SPEAKER_03I don't. We pretty well said what I was thinking.
gregHow about you? I think I already said it.
SPEAKER_00No, I'm good.
MichaelSo be happy. In the words of the big mouth bass that sat on the wall, don't worry. Be happy.
Resources, Listener Prompts, And Farewell
gregSo I was like, man, thank you guys for thank you guys for joining in. Thank you for if you're still here listening to us.
SPEAKER_03Congratulations. Yes, man.
gregLove you. Love you, love you. You guys are awesome. Um please like, share, subscribe, throw it out there. Uh, go to our website, umpactogether.com. There's a there's kind of a marriage uh thing that we've built, kind of a framework that we're working on to build out. Go take that inventory, kind of just see where you're at, see what's happening. It's really cool. It's easy, it's free, it doesn't cost you anything. Uh, we want to be a resource to help you grow your marriage and help you be better. That's what we're about. Um, and also, too, if you're feeling really crazy, jump on our social media or even here on the you can send us a text from your podcast. So if you're listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, I know they're there. You can actually send us a text from there. Just tell us one thing you're happy of. What brings you what makes you happy and where do you find joy? And just thank you for listening. Keep sharing. We're still trying to grow. We're trying to get to half the countries in the world, which means we got to get to 95. We're 58. We'll get there. So if I don't know why, but I just think it'd be cool to say half the countries in the world have listened to our podcast, which is kind of nuts to even think about. Um, but love you guys. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for being a part. Um, we we just can't thank you enough. This is this is an awesome thing to be a part of. Yeah. So anything else to add? September 5th. Go to the 19th century.
