Baggage Claim
Baggage Claim is a space for blended families, marriage, and friendship.
Here, we dive into real-life conversations about the ups and downs of relationships, from navigating second marriages to unpacking the baggage we all bring. Hosted by Greg and Jessica, who both have rich experiences with love, loss, and family, this community is about sharing stories, learning together, and growing stronger as couples and individuals. Grab a drink and join us as we unpack, laugh, and claim our baggage—one conversation at a time
Baggage Claim
Lost In Translation
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One sentence can start a fight, even when nobody meant harm. We’ve both said it and we’ve both heard it the wrong way: “You never talk to me,” “I just need a minute,” “I don’t know how.” What if the problem isn’t your marriage or your blended family, but the fact that you’re speaking different languages with the same words?
We (Greg and Jess) dig into the idea that communication is more than what you say. It’s how you say it, when you say it, and what your partner’s past tells them your words “must” mean. We unpack how the home you grew up in shapes your default conflict style, using the Family Communication Patterns Theory (conversation orientation vs conformity orientation) to explain why one person asks questions to feel close while the other goes quiet to feel safe.
Along the way, Michael and our guest Wes jump in with stories that make the point unforgettable, including a Romania mission trip moment that went very sideways and a hilarious card translation fail. We also share a practical relationship exercise: trade dictionaries by describing the rules of your childhood home when you’re not in the middle of an argument.
This is part one of a two-parter, and we’ll pick up the remaining points next time. Subscribe to Baggage Claim, share this with a friend who keeps getting stuck in the same fight, and leave us a review so more couples can find the conversation.
Welcome To Baggage Claim
gregHey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.
jessAnd I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.
gregWhat's up, everybody? How are you doing out there? Welcome to Baggage Claim. Tonight is going to be a fun night. Thank you for taking the time to listen to us. Baggage Claim is a place we talk about blended families, relationships, marriages, and in the process, we hope to create a little bit of community and maybe some conversations around the topics that we don't like to talk about a whole lot, or sometimes we do like to talk about them. But regardless, we're going to talk about them. All of them.
SPEAKER_01We're going to talk it out.
gregAnd I'm not going to say talk about them anymore. So we on Baggage Claim are always pushing communication, communication, communication.
unknownYes.
gregLike, man, if you want to have a good marriage, you've got to communicate.
SPEAKER_01Well we're going to talk about it?
gregWe're going to take it a couple deeps, a couple deeps, a couple steps deeper. Bro, I'm having a hard time. Hold on, give me a second.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's a great idea.
gregThat's perfect. It's what I needed.
SPEAKER_01Well done.
When Words Land The Wrong Way
gregSo we're we're jumping into this idea of communication is not just what you say, it's how you say it. But it also too, it depends on where you come from as to what that actually means. So we could call it lost in translation. It may come up with something else.
jessOh, we're gonna call it lost in translation.
gregBy the end of this, I think it's decided.
jessI'm gonna name it and claim it.
gregWell, just a couple things. Like have you ever heard these phrases? What are you laughing about? Well, you're making a weird face.
SPEAKER_01I was laughing at Michael, and then I tried to be serious.
MichaelWe're being serious, Greg. Okay.
gregSo have you ever heard I'm trying to introduce this really deep topic and y'all are over there making weird faces at each other. Have you ever heard you or me? So look at me. I'm talking. Say this word, you never talk to me.
jessYeah.
gregYeah. They usually like I miss which I'm contemplates and goes to I miss you.
jessYeah. Um, I feel like you don't talk to me anymore, but really it just means I miss you.
gregYeah. And what I hear is that man, I'm I'm I'm failing. Something's broken. Like I've done I've done something wrong.
jessRight.
gregUm, you say this a lot. I just need a minute.
jessYes, I do. And what that means is for me that means I gotta process this for a minute. Yeah.
gregHey, you're pulling away. You know, you don't want to talk about it. You're silent. So if you've heard yourself say those things or been in those things in a relationship, we're gonna unpack that tonight. We're gonna see if we can um maybe find some wheels to keep us rolling in the right direction, uh, dig us out of these holes and see if we can get
Story Time From Romania
gregsome things moving. But before we get into that, we always have question time. But instead of question time, we're gonna do story time to that.
MichaelStory time.
gregThank you, sir. Just so y'all know, he's a professional singer. We pay him to come in every night. Every time, every week.
jessIf you hear a new voice this evening, we have a special guest in the studio tonight. We do. It's one of my favorite people. His name is Wes.
MichaelThat's right.
gregYou are hey, you're up on the list, bro. Hey, you are up there on the list. Yeah. You are all the first time I saw Wes, he had dreadlocks and they were long, like down past his shoulder. Yeah. Tattooed, and I was like, I gotta know that guy. I want to talk to that guy. I want to know that guy. And so from that point on, we just got to know each other and basically.
jessIf you've ever seen us post a picture of our table with our beautiful logo, Wes is behind that. He has a wonderful woodworking business, brother Jack woodworking. Go follow it on Instagram. It's wonderful. Yeah, he makes beautiful, beautiful things.
gregYep. So he's with us tonight hanging out. And if he says something off the wall and crazy, can't hold us responsible. He's good.
SPEAKER_02This is unfiltered, nonsense. 100% it's cool. Just keep it. You're not responsible for what I say.
Michael100% at all.
gregSo we're excited about this topic because it's something that we've all we all deal with in relationships.
jessAnd you and I have talked about this a lot.
gregYeah, a lot. We just never really gave it words and definitions. It just always is there. So a story time.
jessStory time. So loss of translation makes me think of different languages. And we're talking about communication. So a couple years after we got married, you and I went on a mission trip with our church and we went to Romania.
gregRight.
jessWe went to a beautiful village, absolutely beautiful. And I'm still friends with a lot of those folks on social media.
gregYeah, so we flew really quick though. Jess had never really been on a mission trip much or been out of the country. No. So we fly into Romania. Uh we're into Bucharest.
jessIt felt like we were in a plane for seven days.
gregSo we get out and we're in this really cool restaurant, and we're right about to start the meal. It's like power goes out. And Jess goes, Oh my god, what are we gonna do? And now all of a sudden the the people at the restaurant just brought out these candle obras and just set them all over the place. Everywhere. And just lit them all up, and everything went on with it.
SPEAKER_01They just continued. And it was like magical. Yeah, yeah.
gregAnd I was like, welcome to Romania.
jessI'm pretty sure I cried.
gregIt was really cool.
jessIt was magical. And the village that we were in was literally at the foot of the Transylvanian Alps.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So it's really pretty. Dracula's right up there. Yeah.
jessIt's literally one of the son of the pastor and his wife who we worked with, their son, who is the same age as our son Thomas, he was, we were like, Transylvania look like, you know, I'm just like living in a dream world. And he was like, no, yeah, I've been to Transylvania several times. It's just right up there. Around I was like, wait, what?
gregFun fact, I've actually been in that castle. Of course you have. Yes, yes, it's really good.
jessAnyway, we went to Romania and we were doing a like a backyard Bible school type situation. And a lot of the children that go to school in that area, part of their curriculum is to learn English, except for when you're little bitty. And I had the three, four, and five-year-olds, and they didn't know a lick of English. They were just sweet as pot. Greg was assigned the teenagers.
MichaelYes.
jessYeah. And there and there was other folks that were, you know, doing the other age groups or whatever that we went, you know, it was a whole group. Anyway, so my goal that week to teach my little friends who had not spoken any English at all. I was just teaching color words, and I had all sorts of games planned with color words. And I achieved my goal, and one little fella tried to say purple, but he said pee-poo, and I will never forget it. Meanwhile, that that was my where the world I was living in. Greg with his teenagers.
gregOur job was to teach them slang words, slang phrases, and play lots of games.
jessYou were just building relationships and teaching them games.
gregYeah, we had a fun time too.
jessIt was a lot of fun. So while I was up there teaching my little babies color words, he, Greg, you were down like a basement patio level, and y'all were playing a like wall ball or whatever game.
gregDodgeball, something. We were trying to hit each other with stuff.
jessRight.
gregSo 90s sports, old sports, yeah, good stuff. I grew up back in the day. Yeah.
jessSo my partner was this wonderful young lady named Priscilla from Sweden. And she stopped me in mid-game and she was like, Miss Jess, what is Mr. Gregg saying? And I listened and I could hear the echo. And Vicka.
gregJust to tell you, there's something about me in sports. I get kind of into sports and I get a little emotional and I get into it. And so I was probably, I was, I was excited.
jessOur Romanian teenage friends didn't quite understand what you were saying.
gregNo, they were all looking at me with like just these weird looks. And I was like, I don't, I don't, I don't get what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01And so when Brazilla stopped me, I was like, wait a minute, he's speaking Spanish to them.
gregYeah, so Jess being so discreet and kind, she reaches over the wall and screams in front of everybody, hey, they don't even speak Spanish. We're in Romania. Wrong country. Wrong country. Yeah, wrong country, honey.
MichaelWrong language. Yeah.
gregThat's all the other side of the world. Thank you. Thank you, babe.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, talking about loss of translation.
Cards, Slang, And Cultural Whiplash
gregYes. It's kind of yeah, you got a translation story?
MichaelI do. Um, I've actually told y'all about this uh not too long ago. I was uh dating this Hispanic girl, and uh our my birthday was one month, her birthday was the next month, and so she got me a birthday card being like, hey, happy 50th birthday, because I was like four years older than her. And so I decided that for her birthday I was gonna give her a card that was really stupid.
jessAnd so I just went and picked out a random Spanish card, not knowing at all, having no idea what it said.
MichaelAnd I literally signed it at the bottom, you're guessing, and was like, first off, first off, I was like, okay, this is a big risk. Yeah, because like she literally is like first generation immigrant in the States, and I was like, this could be hilarious or awful. Yes.
jessYeah.
MichaelAnd uh I just signed it at the bottom, and I was like, hey, I got no idea what this card says, but I just want to wish you a happy birthday.
jessHappy birthday, I'm sorry.
MichaelCome to find out it was a baby christening uh baptism card.
jessThere you go.
MichaelYeah, that's incredible. But it could have been worse. She thought it was hilarious. It could have been way so it won. It won big time. Love it. Thankfully.
jessI love it. But yeah.
gregI saw a birthday card the other day. I really wanted to get it. I was scrolling, doom scrolling. It was on Instagram, and it was you it's a Jesus on the front. It says, Happy birthday, I'll see you soon. And he's standing there with his own strength. Shut up. Instant bye. I was like, that's pretty funny. I'm sorry. That's so bad. That is so bad. Well, you got a story for us.
SPEAKER_02Oh man.
gregYou've been around a little bit.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't know how appropriate it's gonna be for uh the podcast. I remember a very explicit story in Romania, actually. And I don't know if you guys remember, I'm drawing a blank at what the grandmothers are called in Romania.
jessThey're babushka babushka, babushka. They're gonna kill us. Something like that. Yes.
MichaelIf you're in Romania, I'm so sorry that you're gonna be.
jessPlease forgive us.
MichaelThis terminology.
SPEAKER_02Oh uh, beautiful country though. There is a term and it's uh appropriate. Uh while uh you know, when you're in Romania, and I mean, wherever we were, the village we were in was was full of these babushkas. Or uh I think that's right. I think we used to think that's it. That sounds oddly forgiving.
jessAnd now in Russia that's what it is, and the language is a little bit similar. It's got a chance. We're gonna go with it.
SPEAKER_02If there's Romanians listening, they know what they know what we're talking about.
jessAlso forgive us, sorry.
SPEAKER_02Also, uh for yes, I apologize. Uh but anyway, we were that was the ministry site was was ministering to these babishkas, and I remember very explicitly um also being taught that wherever we were, when when something is offered to you in someone's household, that it's actually very offensive to refuse it. And whatever they're offering is their best, and you need to, you know, accept it with uh open hands, you know, the whole nine. And so I kind of went in and we're I don't know if we were doing door-to-door evangelism, whatever it was. We were we were you know in this village and we were living amongst uh the people and uh she invited us in, my whole team and I, and uh she had this giant barrel, it was a blue barrel, and it had uh this like straw, you know, almost like this siphon coming out of it. And uh, and what she was making was potato vodka. It was potato vodka she had been distilling.
gregAnd uh was Russian roots right there, right there.
SPEAKER_02You know, I don't know if it was, I don't even I think we had a translator at the time, but that she was basically like, Oh, you must try, it is the best, and you know, whatever. And my whole team and I like kind of looked at each other and we're like, we can't refuse this. Like we're gonna, we're gonna have to uh take, you know, this shot of whatever is in this barrel. And uh, and you know, she looked at me and we've got the translator, and and she's like, This is how you're gonna take the shot. And she kind of you know shows me the straw, but then, you know, and I think and that uh again, no offense by this. She didn't have all of her teeth. She had, you know, she had it was a lot of gums. It was a lot of gums. And it was she she then, you know, showed me the straw and then she put her mouth on it and began to suck. She began to suck and siphon the vodka out of this blue drum barrel. Yeah. And just, I mean, and you, if you can imagine drool and slobber and all of the, like all of it. If I could paint you a visual, she is sucking out of this siphon, and and she knows that I'm the team leader, and she is looking at me and she's sucking, and I'm like, whole, you are proper drunk. Like you, you've had a lot of whatever it is, you are working, you are sweating, and I like like I don't wanna, I know I don't want to be offensive, and I don't wanna, you know, but like something's going on here, and and I'm I'm with my whole team and I are witnessing it, and she's sucking out of this straw. And and then she she looks at me and her face just lit up. They just, I mean, just beaming, just so excited to hand me this this site, this plastic tube. And she just, you know, and she she pulls it from her mouth, and just this drool line, you know, comes with it. And she's just like, you know, what what I don't even know what she said at that moment. She handed it to me, and my whole team's looking, and remember, she sucked all that up, and I've got a You have to follow that, but not right.
gregShe hands it to me, and I just did you did you wipe it off at all?
SPEAKER_02No, no, I did not. I am cultured and I am respectful, and I am open out all over. I just and began to try to recreate what she was doing. And oh man, it was a it was an experience and a taste that I can untaste. Like it, I mean, I remember it, but it was it, there was, it wasn't just liquid. There was also things that were you know that came up, and I and then I I immediately handed it uh to the next person, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, and handed it back. And I was like, Thank you. How can we pray for you?
MichaelI gotta go.
SPEAKER_02I got words, so let's go to the Lord. And uh yeah, you can't make that up. Yeah, that was an experience there were some cultural things that we're used to that did not translate.
jessDid not translate.
SPEAKER_02Did not, but yep, we showed up.
MichaelYeah, wow, there you go. Yeah, translations, man. Right. It is. I mean, you found yourself in the street. You got lost in that translation.
SPEAKER_02Didn't know what I was walking into at all.
gregAt all. That is awesome.
SPEAKER_02Oh my gosh.
Three Relationship Traps Introduced
gregWe're gonna with with that amazing story. Well, the we're gonna cover three points today. And we're gonna try to cover them the best we can, do the best we can to unpack those. And each one of those, we we also added a layer, a blended family layer, because sometimes we always know that in a blended family there's just more layers. There's just more to it.
jessSo more difficult.
gregThree points are pretty easy. Uh different communication climates, like what you grew up in. Um climate's just one of those fun kind of um words.
MichaelYep.
gregUm surveillance layer. Um, it sounds really weird. And we're not talking about flock cameras, so if that's what you're excited about.
MichaelWe'll unpack more as we continue.
jessWe're gonna unpack some as we go, don't worry.
gregAnd the uh uh the pursuer trap. And so we'll talk about those things.
jessPursuer Whoa. Pursuer and distancer trap.
gregThose are hard words to because you're gonna have one pursuer and one that's distant by one. We'll get there. It's fine. And so in each one of those, we'll have a blended family, but we're gonna try to get some real life scenarios to these kind of things, but also at the same time just try to unpack them because we've all said those phrases we said earlier. Yeah. We've all walked through those, we've all had those moments. Um, do you want to give us a little deeper explanation to point one, which is like uh we're raised in different communication climates. Oh, yes. So we all have um we always say this, man. You're every family has a culture, whether you acknowledge it or not. It has a culture. Uh it is alive and it is well. How you communicate, how you live life ultimately is the way that your kids are going to operate and communicate as they get older.
jessAnd to be fully transparent, you and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to this.
gregWe could not have been any more opposite. Right.
jessAnd we still are opposite.
gregYes.
jessAlthough we understand each other better.
gregYes, we had a we had a we had a uh Yeah, I want to talk about that.
SPEAKER_01You can go ahead.
gregThe one where I said, um, I was like, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. Because I've sometimes I've realized I'm not as suave with my words as they used to be. I was like, when I ask you to do something and you say I don't know how.
jessThat was literally today.
gregYeah, and you said I don't know how, I need you to not say that because I don't know how either. And so when you say I don't know how or I don't what I hear is I don't want to. And you have to do it. And I was like, because if you don't do it, I'm the only one left to do it, and that's not very fair, or it's fun. And you just looked at me the way you're looking at me right now.
jessSo, but it also did not turn into an argument. No, it didn't.
MichaelBut I think that's what's so important to understand about the different climates of culture we come from, is you can understand that the words that you hear, even though you receive it one way, may be it meant in a completely different way to start with.
jessYeah. Yeah.
MichaelSo before we get too ahead of it, if you don't have that mindset, it turns to judgmental mindset very quickly.
jessLiterally. So before we get too ahead of ourselves, um, there is actually a theory
Your Family’s Communication Climate
jessin this. It's called the family communication patterns theory. And it identifies two dimensions that shape how a person learns to communicate growing up. There's conversation orientation or conformity orientation. High conversation orientation homes raise kids to see open communication, share feelings, frequent interaction, asking questions. This is normal, and even loving, it's a way for that the family operates. A high conformity uh orientation home raises kids to see open discussion is something to avoid. Peacekeeping and not rocking the boat is priority, and questions can register less curiosity and more like scrutiny. So it's not just when you grow up in one of these two, it's not just a childhood quirk that kind of fades with age. It literally it shapes the way you communicate as an adult, especially in like a romantic relationship, um, where one partner might be the asker and the other one becomes the more guarded one later in life just because of how you were raised.
gregInteresting.
jessMm-hmm.
gregWow. Which is so true though.
jessIt is.
gregLike we are we all we I think we've said on here tons of times. So we're all products of our environment.
jessWe sure are.
gregLike, and we just think about product in the way we act. We think about the things we do, but in so many ways, it's not just that, it's how we talk, how we communicate. We talk about um even in our our kind of nine-step framework, the first uh and everybody like when you present it to them, it's like, hey, the first three weeks is about you. You and they're like, What do you mean? No, I want you to know why you think the way you do, why you talk the way you do, why you act the way you do. Like when you're confronted with something, how do you act? And the the the cool part about that though is like it's not just for you, it's for your partner.
MichaelYeah.
gregSo they can look at you and go, Oh, so you act this way when you're like feel stressed because of these things that you grew up with.
SPEAKER_02And so that's triggers, you know, yeah. Yeah.
gregAnd it's like you see certain things, uh, and we've we've had those discussions. Like for for me, I had the discussion like because of my dad leaving, or I feel that abandonment sometimes when people have wronged me, or they just they they treat me like or they hurt you. Yeah, my first thing is is I'm just like, okay, I'm done with them. Done. And I'll just go and just like maybe you need to slow down a little bit. Like But that's my protective, that's me protecting, but that's my environment that I grew up in. So it's knowing that is very important.
jessNot only knowing that, but how that makes you operate on a day-to-day basis. Like, you know, you just gave a pretty big example about how when people wrong you in general, but like you and I on a daily basis, we have to know why we are the way we are.
MichaelYes.
jessSo that we can understand that about each other.
MichaelI don't know if this relates with any of y'all, but it reminds me of the first car I had in college. Everything was wrong with that car. Like it was like, as Jess would say, all the emojis were on the dashboard. You know what I mean? Uh but just because it was on the dashboard, like I had to learn about that car. I had to learn how it rode with different gas levels, you know, the octanes. I had to learn how the steering was because it needed a whole bunch of suspension work. Like I knew, but it came down to more than just reading what. The signal was it was knowing how the car worked and what to do with it. Deeper level issue than just simply what the immediate adjust the signals.
SPEAKER_02Listen to what the noise is the car is making it exactly. That little knocking isn't a good sign. Exactly. Hey, that that's oil, you know.
MichaelThat's you gotta learn just to simply say, like, there's deeper levels to communication than just simply what you hear.
jessYeah. And learning that there are survival strategies, strategies that you have developed, not intentionally, but just because of where you come from. Like asking questions helps me stay close to you. It helps me feel close. Or I choose to stay quiet to stay safe so I don't rock the boat. Like you have to know that.
gregRight. And that when we first come together, I'm I'm a question guy. Like I had been in facilitating and coaching in in the corporate world and nonprofit world for 15 years. So everything I did was question. Like everything based.
jessAnd so you start asking me questions, I'm gonna shut down.
gregYeah, so when we first got together, I was just like question after question after question. You just look at me like what is what is wrong with you? Yeah, why do you want to go? Like, what is and I'm like, I'm I'm just curious. Like, I want to know how you think. I want to know.
jessAnd I was not used to that at all.
gregNo.
jessBecause not just not even I mean my first marriage. I mean, I guess I probably operated the same way, but just the house I grew up in, you just stay quiet, you just be sweet, you don't rock the boat, you just you know, you just be sweet and you just don't rock the boat. You don't you don't delve too far into questions, you don't, you don't, you know, show too many emotions, you just you know, you just stay even killed. So when you started asking me questions, I was like, what is wrong?
gregIt's really interesting because I heard a uh I heard a real one, I sent it to you today. I think it's Justin, is Justin Owens? Justin Owens. Justin Owens. He made it, he, he, he made this thing, because we talk about this all the time. But he made this distinction. He's like, it you're speaking different languages, but what if you're just reading at like you just haven't swapped dictionaries? Like her dictionary says silence means this, your dictionary says silence means I'm pulling away, hers means she's processing. It's like, what if you shared those? And I was like, that's a gr that's a great picture of that.
jessYeah, because I can assure you, nobody handed me a Greg Peck handbook.
MichaelLord, no.
jessOh God.
MichaelI would be interested in that handbook.
jessNobody hands me a Greg Peck handbook.
gregIt would be because even when we were first getting together and we would have intense fellowship, is what we called it.
jessWe did.
gregUm, I would be like, I need some time. And I would that was weird for us when it first happened.
MichaelYeah.
gregAnd I'm like, I don't I would just literally either go get my backpack or my headphones and I'll put them on and I would just walk the neighborhood.
jessBut what was weird for me is that you said it out loud.
gregYeah.
jessI need some time.
gregI will be back in a minute.
jessBut for me, and I still do this, and it still frustrates you 14 years later. We can have a conversation, he can ask me hard questions, and I just kind of look at him blankly. And if you if you're not careful, you still think, well, she's checked out, she's not listening. But meanwhile, I'm actually really processing it in real time as we're going. And I can't always give you an immediate response. Like, I I need time, but I'm I rarely say it out loud, and I know that about myself. I don't say it.
gregAnd my ADD doesn't help either because when you're not saying anything, I'm like, I'm on this like, well, look at there's birds out there. There's deers, I'm gonna go feed the deers. Or you just cut the grass. The grass is crazy.
jessOr honestly, the or worse, you keep asking questions. And for me, that's worse, but for you, it's how you operate because it you're still probing, you're still trying to get information, and I'm like, Can you just give me five seconds because I need to think? Or can you give me five hours? I need to think.
gregYeah.
jessBut we didn't get a dictionary for each other.
gregIt is hard for me because I think I uh we've had this, I process information, not in a, I don't mean to say arrogant way, a lot faster and differently than you do. And so I'm while you're thinking about it, I'm already done with it.
jessYou're five points ahead of that.
gregYeah, and I'm like, when you bring something back up, I'm like, oh what, we're talking about that again over.
jessI forgot about that.
gregLet's go back. All right. Um, that's not a bad thing. It's actually uh, but it's very hard. Like if you living with me, I agree is probably extremely hard. Because I'll be talking in the middle of a sentence and just stop. And Jess is like, I don't realize it. Sometimes I'll look at her, she's staring at me, and I'm like, What? What? She goes, You're gonna finish that sentence?
jessAnd literally he's like, What sentence? When we're talking about the website, yes, and then I will repeat the sentence that he just said, and he was like, Oh, I've I forgot what I I I forgot about that. I finished it in my mind.
SPEAKER_02Swear to God, I literally said it was a good idea.
jessAnd for me, very type A, very like very methodical. My you have got to finish that sentence, or I'm gonna die. Like, you have to.
MichaelDid I do it over the website?
jessYes.
MichaelIt was kind of the opposite because we you and I were talking, and then all of a sudden you just stopped talking. And it just went quiet.
jessAnd Jess was like, I said, Are you gonna answer Michael?
MichaelOh, I was doing something.
jessYeah.
MichaelBut I saw what you were doing because we were trying to transfer files, get ready for tonight.
jessBut then I said out loud, I said, We just talked about not too long ago. When you don't answer me, I feel like you're not listening. And you said, Do you just need a uh-huh?
MichaelOr like a uh or like a grunt.
jessI'm like, Yeah, something, some acknowledgement that I said something out loud.
MichaelI'm just waiting for the future when now we hear that Greg just went, ugh grumble.
gregYou know what's I I get it's not sad. It's I mean, it's reality. I mean, we've joked around and we've played about these things. This one, this one concept, this one simple thing, destroys marriages every day. It does. Every single day. Yes, right. Like there's a lot of couples out there who may or may not listen to this episode. Or you may be listening, you're like, bro, I'm in that right now. Like, I don't feel like we can communicate at all. Every time we try to talk to each other, it just it just blows up, things aren't happening. And I I want to challenge you to say maybe you're speaking different languages. Like maybe you're just not understanding the translation of it.
MichaelIt's not that there's a connection lacking, it's not that there's love that's lacking, it's not that there's any of that, it's just you're communicating in different languages.
jessAnd it's okay that you don't communicate the same way. Right.
gregRight.
jessYeah.
gregYou're I mean you're not going to because you don't marry someone who's just like you.
jessAnd you should I I will say that people don't do it. You should not try to change each other's communication styles. No, no. You can't help it. There are reasons that are. Yes.
gregWell, if you do, that's why I mean that's so many marriages fall apart because they marry someone and they're like, oh, I can change that in them, or I can change this in them. And then I'm like, that's that's not what marriage marriage is about bringing out the best in that other person, not changing them. But we we get lost in this communication thing, and we just start saying and doing dumb crap, and it's just really, really sad.
MichaelSo when you're lost lost in translation. What um
Build A Shared Dictionary And Trust
Michaelhow do you navigate that? Because I mean, imagine you know, a couple that's fighting, that's got issues going on, and they both care about each other, they both want to see it work, they both want to get through it, but they're lost in translation. How do you bring about a connecting bridge, whatever you want to call that?
jessWell, one action step you can actually take, literally, is to sit down and describe like your childhood home you grew up in.
gregThis is not, can I say this caveat? This is not something you do in the middle of the argument.
jessAbsolutely not.
gregThis is not like when you're in the middle of the heat of the moment, the battle, I won't say battle, maybe it could be you're in the middle of it. It's not like, oh, why don't we describe our uh childhood homes to be like, you know what you can do with your childhood home? You can, you know, it's like that's about what's gonna happen. So time and a place. Yeah, and so knowing that, uh being able, one, be able to read a room, like if you can't read the room, then get some emotional intelligence uh somewhere. Yeah, but this is a really like because we talk to couples all the time, and they say we don't we don't really know what to talk about outside of our kids. Like when it's just us, what do we talk about? And we've referred them to books. We're referring here's a topic. Describing childhood home rules. Uh like that's it.
jessAbout questioning, asking questions. Was it okay to ask questions? Was it welcome? Did you feel safe? Was this good? Right. Or did asking questions mean something's wrong?
MichaelRight.
jessAnd if that's the case, like you and I are very different backgrounds, and then you add the layer of being a blended family. We both were married before. There's very different experiences that lead up to how you experience that. When when you're asking me questions, I don't mean to, but I still shut down and I still be quiet because I'm like, oh, that means something's wrong. That means I've disappointed you, I don't want to talk about it.
gregRight. Yeah, you don't you're not very confrontational. You run from those things still. Yes. You tried to help, but it doesn't help.
jessNo. So no.
MichaelUm that's good. Well, and it's crazy you say that because that that really picks on something in my brain memory-wise. I remember because I had this conversation with my dad when I was in high school. Um, and I also got in trouble for it a lot too. Uh but I remember no, I was perfect, never. Um, I would always ask why. And in my mind, I legitimately wanted to know a purpose behind why we were doing things we would do, whether it be chores, whether it be, you know, working on a car the certain way, or whether it be the reason why, because I mean, I grew up on a farm, like heavy machinery, like all sorts of stuff. And I mean, being a kid, like I wanted to know why. Well, and I remember getting in trouble for that a lot. Because in some ways, and I'll also completely understand as a kid, I probably didn't have the best communication skills, but eventually I learned to bring it to him, and I was like, okay, I'm tired of getting in trouble for asking this question, so I'm gonna ask it differently now. And then I explained when I asked him, I was like, what's the purpose? Like, what's the purpose? Because if I know the driving purpose, like it it it my mind just were, I want to know the driving purpose. But that simple communication change changed everything. One with how much I got in trouble, which was a big change for me. Um, but also was I learned so much more because we were able to communicate. And at that point, from then on, my dad always explained. He was like, Hey, we're gonna go, you know, change the brake lines on the old van. Here's why. If we don't, we're gonna run out of brakes and we're gonna crash. So this is why we're gonna do it this way. And it makes all the difference in the world.
SPEAKER_02So all you did was change the wording. You instead of asking why, you said, What is the purpose? Yeah, put this in terms that I can understand, help me understand Greg Peg's baby.
jessHelp me understand. Help me understand.
SPEAKER_02Put it in terms that I can understand in my own language, and then then those barriers go down, then the walls come down.
MichaelThen it comes back to you say describe your childhood's home, your childhood home's rule. Like for me, that was a thing. I wasn't always allowed to ask why. Yeah. And I understand for certain reasons, I get that, and also the heart behind it and how you do it makes a difference. But also, for me, the asking why made a big difference for me because I learned so much more when I asked.
gregWhich is crazy because uh, we were talking about it before. Like, I grew up on um my grandfather on the farm. He owned a construction company and farm. And this dude, man, he would as a kid, he was an amazing grandpa. Like he was rough around the edges, but loved this dude. Like, there's times where I mean, I'm in we're in Atlanta, and I would ride around with him in the truck. I was little, I mean, I was young, like I couldn't drive. I was, yeah, I was maybe in middle school, whatever. And we'd ride around and I'd be like, I want to drive, can I, can I, can I do the uh backhoe? He's like, sure. We'd pull up there and it'd be lunchtime, and he would literally set it up in these people's front yard and he'd be like, all right, you got about 45 minutes. How old were you? I was uh middle school. And I didn't know and I was I was like, how do you work? And he goes, Ah, you figure it out. And he would just leave me on this thing, and I would just dig and play.
MichaelThat's great.
gregAnd and then he wouldn't. I can't tell you how many how many crap I've got.
jessOr when you would say, What if I break it?
gregYeah, I would uh because I I mean I broke a lot of things. And I was like, what if I break it? And he goes, they make more of them. We'll just buy, we'll buy them fix it. He's like, and I was like, okay, but then he also would make me fix it.
SPEAKER_02He gave he was just like, hey, you have opportunity to fail here. Yeah.
gregAnd that that meant opened the door of curiosity and explore for me. Because when we I would finish digging in the backcoat, he would get up, he would come, he'd cover it back up, and he'd give it back to the crew because they were on lunch break. We'd be like, all right, let's go. And he, I mean, he would let me drive if I said, Hey, I want to drive like one time we were literally, I didn't know how to drive a five-speed that well. We were at a cow cell.
jessBecause you were a kid.
gregWe're at a cow, we were cow cell. You know what a cow cell is? No, I don't know. Okay, so you go up on a farm, you you take them to what's called a uh they their cell barns is what they call, but it's just a big crowd.
jessS-L-E sales. Sales. Sales.
gregYeah, S-A-L-E. Yes. So you go and you run your cow through, and if you're trying to pick up cows or drop cows, like if you're trying to increase your herd or you need some money, like most of the time you do it like with younger when people are trying to get their their their herd down or build a herd, they'll they'll they'll go to sales. You're flipping cows. Yeah, basically you're flipping cows.
MichaelI could have sworn you said cell as in like C-E-L-L. Yeah, that's why I spelled it. S-A-L. My good old Georgia accent.
gregSo we we we were there and my my grandpa loved to drink. And so uh he he was drinking with his buddy. So we had a I mean we had a big truck and it had a trailer and some we didn't sell all of our cows, so we had a few left over. And he's like, hey, you take the truck, head on back to the house. I'm gonna go off with Buddy here. And I was like, Oh, okay. I'm gonna drive five speed. He goes, Hey, I guess it's a good time to figure it out. Literally, just I was like, Oh Lord.
jessWith a trailer full of cows, yeah.
gregIt had like four cows in it, but it's a big trailer and a truck.
SPEAKER_02That's expensive.
gregUh yeah, but he just like he did, he was just like, Yeah, figure it out, you'll be all right. And that was his mentality. But dude, that doesn't exist, freed me up to just yeah, like I'll try anything. I'll be like, yeah, I'll try, I can figure it out. And that was before there was no YouTube, there was no internet. No, you didn't get to pop up in your phone and Google something. It was like no chat.
jessYou you got to grow up with that curiosity. Yes, which and that's not the kind of experience I grew up with.
MichaelSo well, imagine this like you're in a relationship, and everybody has, I think, in some regard, walls and boundaries they put in place, even with people they're very, very close with. I mean, we were even talking earlier, uh, you know, just people having conversations, because sometimes unloading on you if you've ever had something like that happen. And honestly, it's great to just sit and listen, just be an ear for someone. Oh, yeah. But the reality is so many people don't have anyone to do that with because we don't open up all the way.
gregBut because we're afraid if we do with our spouse or significant owner, they're gonna use it as ammo toward us sometimes. Because that's that's happened in the past or that's done with us. And so there's a huge trust trust in the world. Well, there's gotta be trust.
MichaelThere's gotta be trust. But imagine if you could study quote unquote each other's dictionary and how you communicate and how you process, how you work. That way, small little statements here and there don't tick off a bomb, you know, for an argument. But you can actually sit down and say, Okay, well, what did you mean by that? Or hey, you really don't want to talk right now. I can give you some space, but when I get back, let's talk about that. Like to me, it feels like you're distancing versus you. You may just need to process more before we have this conversation. But imagine the freedoms that relationships could have if you unlocked each other's dictionary.
gregWow. Yeah. It would be pretty. I mean, it's crazy. Like you just think about in your own marriage how how it'd be helpful to know that.
jessSo if we could we won we can be experts in that, maybe we remember that too. Yeah, it still comes back up for us, though.
gregWe're not perfect, like if you're listening to this, can I tell you like we're trying to drink our own Kool-Aid? Yeah, like we're I mean, we're we're trying to smoke what we're selling, like we're we're trying to figure it out.
SPEAKER_02Complete transparency.
gregYeah, sorry, we can't say that. You can't say that.
jessOh no, not that part. But I like that part. No, we're not perfect, and we still I mean I'll listen to our podcast sometimes.
gregIt's like, bro, we should that sounds really good. We should really practice that we should have. Yeah, that's good stuff. Yeah, yeah, because it's it's hard and life gets in the way of all those things. All right, we're a point. We got two more points. We gotta go, but we gotta do stuff.
MichaelI'll say this that simply on it on itself is a great study, a great exercise. Like go home and talk about that with your spouse.
SPEAKER_02My I will say my dream for my wife and I is to know the thought process before it happens. Like, if you if you just by your wife's facial expressions, if all right, we make a decision or we do whatever it is, and and sure, it might be in the in the spur of the moment, but I know the idea, at least the goal, the dream is to be able to look at my wife and to know without her saying a word, whether or not she's like, all right, that made sense or that didn't make sense. Like, I would love to know that I'm on the same wavelength.
jessWouldn't we all?
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. To know the dictionary, to understand it fully, you're right. I I think that alone in itself would be game changing.
MichaelBy no means is this an overnight achievement. Dude, this is a this is a live long work.
jessWe're over a decade and we're still working on it. You have to want to work on it together.
gregYou gotta want it together. That's the biggest thing is like the curiosity of both of you going. I'm I'm really curious why Jess thinks the way she does and things she does. Um I'm really I'm I'm driven to the city. I'm curious why I think the way I do too, sometimes because I told I told her the other day, I was like, since we've gotten married, when I met you, you were independent doing your own thing. Like, and now you won't even call somebody if you feel like there's gonna be an intense conversation.
SPEAKER_01We were having this conversation in front of my dad's stepmom, and they were both like, yeah, you got stupid after you married Craig.
jessI was like, No, they weren't being ugly, they were just like, because he takes care of everything, and then that changed my whole thought process. Oh, wow. But when we met, I was like, I don't need no man, I don't need anybody, don't eat, don't come mess this up.
gregBut I'll tell you this: even in the process, there's this is me being 100% honest. Let me share this with Jess, so this is gonna be fun. Uh, there was frustration on my part. Like this morning, Jess just uh I get up and make her coffee, so I've made the coffee. Jess runs out of the house. She's first week of school, and then she sends me a text. Hey, send me the grocery list and and the crock pots in the in the dishwasher. And I'm like, What? Why do I need to know where the crock? And then it hit me. I was like, oh, I gotta put dinner on, then it's in your grocery list. Oh, but I gotta go pack my truck because I got a job I gotta go do.
jessWhatever. I was enlightening the lives of six-year-olds. So I was at the crack of dawn.
gregThis is our conversation, like it wasn't really a conversation. Here's your to-do list. Um there's a part of it.
jessBut then you gave me a to-do list back.
gregSo it's there's a part of me that could have been frustrated by it, but it was like, you know what? It is what it is. And it's just like I think because in that, knowing her and where she's at, and knowing that, like it wasn't malicious. It wasn't at all, no. Uh it wasn't in a frustrating manner, like, do your part around here. Nah. It was just and so sometimes I think being able to step away and know what she's actually saying makes it better.
MichaelSo I think it's also important that in all the other small intimate moments, you know you love each other, and you know that like even if there's differences or a hardship in a moment, you both are going towards the same thing, and you both want to do it together.
jessYeah, I like you.
gregThat's what I we always say. I'm on your I'm on your side. Like I'm not I don't want to fight you, it's like fighting with myself. I fight with myself enough. I love you. I want to be on your team. Like, I want to do that.
SPEAKER_02You've created the freedom and grace for one another. You've allowed it not to make sense and to also thrive in it not making sense. Hey, this is okay. This is messy. It doesn't matter. We're we're in it.
gregNow, will I say dumb crap and will I do dumb things? Absolutely. 1000%. But I can tell you this.
jessBut also, do I not hold on to it and we just move on? I'm like, oh my God, you're so dumb. Stop.
gregBut I will tell you this. I I love recklessly the people that are in my life. Like, I do. Like I just tasted our daughter-in-law today, she started back to school, and I was like, hey, I'm praying for you. I just want you to know I love you. I'm proud of you. So glad you're going back to school. Like, I want you to find a career that you love and are excited for you. However, we can help, we will break our backs today. Like, I want the best for her. The people who are in my life, I want the best for them. Like, no matter what that looks like. I don't know.
jessAnd I'm at the top of the list all the time.
gregBut we don't do that in our relationships, our spouse. 1,000%. If you're not at the top, you're gonna mark somebody off and put yourself at the top.
jessYeah, we're right.
gregYes.
jessSo anyway.
gregI don't all right. We're 44 minutes in. We can't keep going. Somebody's gonna be like, bro, you guys are ridiculous.
Two-Parter Tease And Closing CTA
gregI'm going.
jessWe'll have we're gonna pick up on the rest of this. We don't usually do two parters anymore, but this is too good not to.
gregYeah. So we'll get into uh uh our last two parts uh of next lost in translation in this, so make sure to tune into that. Thank you guys for joining and being a part of this. Thank you, Wes, for being here. So uh it's awesome to have uh it's awesome to have you in here.
MichaelYeah.
gregI I can't say thank you guys enough for listening, for sharing, for liking, uh, comment, do all those fun things, all the crap. Go to um unpackt together.com.
SPEAKER_01All the crap.
gregBut yeah, all the crap. All the crap you can do. All the crap is on there. Just do it. So do it. Unpackt together.com, go see all the pre-stuff, take an inventory uh on there, kind of those three different parts of you, us, family. Yeah, see where you're at. We'd love to help. Thanks for being a part. Anything else to add? Nope.
MichaelGo dogs.
gregGo dogs.
